The new blog.

It's been a slow start up, but it's finally happened. 

Mountain Girl Diaries, also here on blog, where I struggle and wrestle with the dilemmas of cook/no cook(actually just figuring out for the first time that i just CAN'T cook), learning to adjust, finding my feet in another new life, going back to school...?...kicking many things into gear. 

Again.

http://mountaingirldiaries.blogspot.com/

The end. Finis.

If anyone reads this blog, I'm letting you know that I will be closing it soon. I've been in the process of pulling some things off to save in my personal archives, but it's done.
Life changes.
Life is far from simple right now.
At the time I started this, it was an attempt to reach out of myself, looking for the rope of the safety donut to pull myself out of the water I was drowning in. And it helped. I worked through much in here over the years, learned a great deal, the biggest lesson of which was the reminder that the only person who can throw that rope out to me is...me.
But it's time to be done.
I've heard comments such as, this is fluff, it's drivel. This isn't socially relevant. No, it isn't. Not on a large scale. There ARE lessons in here for anyone with half a brain and a will to apply. But it was never meant to be for anyone else. I never had any grand scheme of changing the world, or anyone else, only myself. It was always meant for me to share myself with anyone who might have had an interest, especially myself.
I have nightmares. I dream every night. I have fears, fears that at times are so large I can feel myself choking on them. I have aspirations, I have goals. I want to be appreciated for who I am. I am human. If that isn't relevant to humanity, then humanity is no longer comprised of humans.
People. Are. Ridiculous.
Be your own authentic self, they exclaim. Just do it in a way that we approve of, they add.
Well, fuck you.
 I'll be my own self, with or without your approval.
I'll be starting a new blog, and I'm sorry to be leaving this one on a slightly sour note.
I hope you've enjoyed the ride, maybe even gotten something out of this.
I did.
And really, that's all that matters.

frogs

The frogs are roaring. 

I'm glad. 

I find that as miserable as living in the other house had become, I am missing the acquired familiarity. I feel lost tonight. There's a limbo of living right now and I don't belong anyplace, yet. 

The frogs take me back in time to places where things felt more solid. They weren't, but they felt like it, so for that moment, they were. 

tonight

I don't feel 50.
I don't feel any age.
I'm in love.
And I miss him terribly tonight.
That is ageless.
So, I'll drink a little too much, cry a little too much,
fall asleep without him, thinking of him.
And understand how wonderful this all is.

Valentine's Day, reprise

On Valentine's Day

Two hearts

who had stopped beating seperately

began to beat together

On Valentine's Day

A question asked was answered

A heart given was met with another

being offered in return

On Valentine's Day

I lost my fear

of joining my life with another

and held my joy 

in the love that I feel close.

On Valentine's Day

I let myself fall

and fly

into the place of the unknown

A place of deep loving and trust,

after those .20 seconds of insane courage...

On Valentine's Day

respect

honor

friendship

family

joy

and something more

something truly beautiful

met.

On Valentine's Day

valentine's day

Valentine's Day is coming.
I've posted before about Valentine's Day.
With the notable exception of 1985, this day has always been a bust in my world.
It's not that I've ever put expectations of any kind on it, from anyone.
Truly.
This year, however...
I'm just silly in love.
So, there are cards for each of the girls, little gifts for everyone. Just because I want to.
And there it is.

drafts drafts and drafts

Just so many drafts.
I have a scribble book, as I call it, filled with poems and musings.
I know that there are writers who say, finish them all. But that's not always possible.
The thread gets lost.
The feeling gets burned.
The moment is beaten.
And it just goes by the by.

For me, my poetry these days is fairly fragile. It's deeply personal and I'm not willing to put my heart out on the table for just anyone to see. In fact, not for anyone to see. I get close, but something happens and I turtle it in.

Essays, no big. Like my opinion, don't like my opinion, I don't care.

Musings? Take them or leave them. They are mine.

So, off of here I go. And will those poems ever see the light of day?

Who knows. I'm afraid those have to be earned.

sometimes

Sometimes, the important conversations that happen end up being somebody's verbal drug/drunk text terror the next morning...and you know it when you see the look in their eyes as they try to ask what happened without asking what happened...

and you just have to say to yourself

Fuck this shit ~

And let it go.

If it's real, and important enough, that conversation will happen during the stone cold sober moment.

Meanwhile, I have a lease that's up in 6 months and I need to make plans on where to be and what to be and how to be. 

Sounds fine. 

So why does my heart hurt?

from a time in my life

When the craters became deep, making space inside for the opportunities to be who I am, if I so chose it.
And there it is.

and so, and so

And so, it goes.

Pull my strings, watch me move, I do anything...

Yeah, you know I love Depeche Mode.

This remix is my current crush.

Behind the Wheel

Vince Clarke Remix

(lyrics below)

My little girl
Drive anywhere
Do what you want
I don't care
Tonight
I'm in the hands of fate
I hand myself
Over on a plate
Now

Oh little girl
There are times when I feel
I'd rather not be
The one behind the wheel
Come
Pull my strings
Watch me move
I do anything
Please

Sweet little girl
I prefer
You behind the wheel
And me the passenger
Drive
I'm yours to keep
Do what you want
I'm going cheap
Tonight

You're behind the wheel tonight

moon

Moon ~ 
Where?
oh...
good.

Hello, moon ~
outside my window, looking down, in my room.
Watching all.
knowing...

Security.

Walk tonight.
We do, or
I do; 
you're with me.

Tired.
So tired.

It happens,
through the woods, always the woods.
Paths known, by you, moon.
You light the path, always watching, 
I follow your light.

The door.

Opening.

Quiet, 
be quiet.

Still.

Don't make a sound.
no...
shhh.

Stepping through ~
hand over mouth
so quiet.

Eyes, open, 
seeing the way
on the path, 
the path...
following your light
through the woods,
each step the same
each step different.

Small.
So small.

So tired.
Tired.

Focus, focus on the path, 
watch the light.
Look.
Look for the grass, see it, think about seeing it...
tall, taller than before, moving.

Strange.
It didn't do that before.

The same, only different.

Where, where is the tree? 
Find it, find it...
see? See, it's there.

Low branches in the light
branches to climb,
climb to the moon, to look for the fairies...
see them?
See?
No...but look for dreams.
Watch.
Watch for the dreams.

Be still. 
Be...
quiet.

Shhh...

The walk, it changes, just a little
each time.
A branch, bent a little, maybe broken,
A stone, moved...or more.

What? 
A sound.

Afraid, fear in the light, no...
It's safe here.
Still...I am afraid.

Wait ~

Is it someone?

Do they see?

Do they know?

Tired.
Hurt.
Hurting. 

Moon, stay, Stay with me,
Don't leave, don't take your light.
I...need you.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm.
So.
Tired.

Time to go. 
Going back, 
back through the woods, by the tree,
the grasses
to the room.

Through the door
of the secret walk.

Never told.
No one knows.

Who would care?

Footsteps. Again.
Away.

Dreams.
Dreams of nights when the walk never ends.
Never come back.
Stay in the woods,
in your light, 
in the tree...
reach the stars, the fairies, the dream.

alone.

small. safe, hidden.

but never alone, with you.

You. 

Always watching.

With me.

Moon.

Has it been awhile? Yes.
I've been working, a little, writing, a lot, downsizing my stuff, trying to spread love and encouragement.
Holidays have come and gone, spent differently, with different people. Holidays with the young woman who lives here with my girl and I, holidays with a man I love deeply, and his children. Holidays that gave me a taste of what life could be like, a beautiful thing, and terrible all at the same time. Beautiful in that finding myself inside a place that feels like a home I never knew, with people I unknowingly knew, living in a way that feels natural...terrible only due to only being able to touch for a moment and then go back to my respective place and i feel fragmented.
But. Those moments are wonderful.
In navigating my way through the stages of acceptance of this relationship I have dealt with every emotion that I can imagine. Joy, disbelief, terror, peace, passion, caution...all within my own contained space. Terror, sheer, at times mind-blowing terror, at acknowledging that this man was deep inside my innermost places long before I was aware.
I have suddenly become so...well shoot...very tired.

you

2000 miles between us right now,

But not really...I fell asleep for a moment,  downstairs by the fire

Trying to be warm,

And I dreamed of you.

Nothing special,  just that you were here, sitting as you do,

reading quietly, 

a "huh" every now and again,  

or an "is that right?", spoken more to the air about something you've just learned and I, watching or working nearby, want to know what it is. 

You always share, and I thank you so much for that. 

My kitten-boy-almost-a-cat came onto my lap, head on my chest, purring, and woke me. 

Disappointed in that waking, I held him, stroking his fur, feeling his warmth on my cheek and took comfort in his company and friendship. 

And missed you. In every part of me.

I love you, you see. 

That's just how it is. That beautiful,  not sought for, unexpected, but somehow inevitable love. 

I've fought it, I've feared it, but I cannot deny it and have no longer have any wish to. To give up and let it be...how lovely. 

Now, on my bed...not in it, but on it, blanket wrapped around me, scent of you on this pillow, I close my eyes and you seem close. 

2000 miles away.  

But there's work I need to do this week, to keep me busy, occupied, mind off of you being gone. 

I should sleep now.