Busy busy day...fixed

Health care signup deadline... Last day for studded tires... Sent an AWESOME job listing that I'm totally going for... And my first girl's 27th birthday. Spent hours working on the house, and also on hold with obamacare people, worked on my resume, put out fires in Utah, sitting at the tire shop just before they close, heading south with presents and a gluten free cake made just for the girl, taking her out to dinner... Lined up the next seasonal job, switched shifts for Friday to pick up 2nd daughter... Is it silly to miss someone? Well, silly I am, and okay with it, I suppose. Hope everything goes like clockwork, it's overdue and would be nice. More work on house when I get home later.

Sigh no more, ladies. Fixed.

No, not following through with the rest of the classic line from Much Ado About Nothing...this isn't about men, per se. It's about children. Parenthood is a tough gig, for anyone...add single, working parent and it ramps up a bit. If you're trying, that is. Sleepless nights, broken hearts, swallowed pride, overcoming emotion, thinking, or trying to, from a million different angles, trusting even though you know you shouldn't, praying to whatever power there may be in the universe that they can learn and grow and not damage themselves irreparably in the heat of young idiocy disguised to themselves as maturity. You do your best to make the potholes, and sinkholes, visible, while not letting on that you're helping...because that's repulsive to them. You offer calm advice when asked, or not, and face the disdain of perceived-much-wiser-life-knowledge in the eye rolls. You sympathize, but not placate. You provide opportunity but not participate. You give love. Yes, we get our hearts broken. We are ignored. Shunned. Snubbed. And that's just how it goes. I love my children. They are my heart. They. ARE. My. Heart. The best that I have to offer the world, all that I have to give that is true goodness. They carry me in them, my one piece of immortality. They have hated me, and hated themselves for hating that they love me. So, we cry, parents. We try to hide the fear, the pain, the struggle. Sometimes we hide the smiles that won't be welcome, the sheer joy at their existence that will be taken as taking credit. We don't, always. We are human, and are cursed for that frailty...not only by our children, a judgmental society, but by ourselves. And then, we just keep on. Sigh no more, sweet parents...Sigh no more. Children are ourselves ever. And then,the parental trifecta. Thank you. I'm sorry. I love you.

The Eagles- DESPERADO-HD: http://youtu.be/iDNtqy0zjJA

If I ever had to choose one song...

One song to describe how I feel about my life, it just might be this one. Mamma Mia! - I Have A Dream: http://youtu.be/WssQP1xWJRM

A mother's heart

Slipping Through My Fingers - Meryl Streep, Amand…: http://youtu.be/Zi7OXmTmgGg

So

I drove.
A lot.
And tonight, here on my bed, wrapped in my blanket, my legs are shaking.
But it's good.
I was worried about this drive, so to have it done is an accomplishment.
The dogs want to sleep with me, but they bother the cats, who want to sleep with me also...and since the upstairs is the feline domain, they win.

So.
Frog song.
My bed.
Open window.
And a voice in my ear.

Good night.

Lifehouse - Between The Raindrops ft. Natasha Bed…: http://youtu.be/dG6-bU6esKo

Yes

it is what it is

Learning how to be grateful that things are what they are, in life, and accepting of those things, has been a major life lesson. It's one that continues to be taught to me. Sometimes...yeah, sometimes I'm tired of learning it. Cringing. Genie, after I wish for you to heal the hearts of everyone and bless the children and our world, please genie... Make me beautiful. Or at least pretty. Thank you. But, take care of those other things first and foremost please. sigh

Love this song

John Denver & Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - Back Home …: http://youtu.be/qOT0M249MHo

sigh...and the elimination of the bizarre code language

Yes, I've always been told that I'm the strong one. In many ways, I am. But in many more... I'm not. I'm struggling right now. I'm worried about physically managing this upcoming drive, about getting things done, about taking care of the people I care about. And about not letting the struggle affect anyone else. Time to get up, and get the day begun. Sagittarius horoscope for Mar 20 2014 You do not like feeling vulnerable, Sagittarius. You have a tough, seemingly impenetrable exterior at times. Among those in your inner circle, you are probably thought of as the strong one. You may be secretly feeling rather vulnerable right now, and it's probably an uncomfortable feeling. But indulge yourself just a bit, and allow yourself to feel open to whatever is affecting you. If you do, you may discover something you really like about yourself once you get used to it, and it could soften your approach to your relationships and your outlook in general.

Of Mice & Men - When You Can't Sleep At Night (Of…: http://youtu.be/GtGl5vvYgVI

A loss

My much loved nephew and his sweet wife in Utah have been involved in an intense search for a very dear friend. The young man went missing a few days ago, and his body was found this evening...

There is peace in the resolution, pain in the loss.

My heart hurts for them.

black velveteen. Lenny Kravitz.

driving. its a lenny traffic kinda day.
I really like this song, sure can't post it on Facebook though.
dig it.

Lenny Kravitz - Black Velveteen: http://youtu.be/c3GN9PZG_qM

oh dear god

Please tell me I haven't fucked this up.

thought bubble

Thought bubble post.....





...and then there's....




...plus...




...and just to keep it interesting...




...so.



There.

silly child

Spring is coming.

it's almost here.

How is it that I've felt it in my spirit for some time now?

I feel like a silly child so often. I know what this life is like. I've had a fair amount of ugly. I'm certainly not deluded.

Yet I still believe in all things good.

Soft.
Kind.
Sweet.
Beautiful.
Pure.
Possible.

Sometimes, the gap between the two tears at me.
Often, in fact.

But...

Believe, I do.

I hope for all things wonderful.

I believe in their possibility.

And I feel silly.

Still...it's me.

Vampire Diaries - 5x11 Music - The Fray - Love Do…: http://youtu.be/r7ujSKaWRR8

daughter

My girl.

What a bumpy ride she's had lately. Granted, almost every bump has been created by her own efforts, and at least she does recognize that.

Heading over the hills in a week or so to take her back to Utah for a month.  Time to finish what was supposed to happen a few months ago.

I can't say that I'm looking forward to that drive back on my own, even though I really like to drive. But, chin up, head steady, shoulders back, feet set. Get it done.

Ok.

Frog song.

And someone must be safe...no reports of hijacking or crashes...yes, I've looked.

So, I must sleep.

sigh.

Trust

Trust.
Hope.
Believe.

Do.

Do I trust myself, necessarily?
No.
But I trust in what I know must be done, and that it's the right thing to do. And that a small pathway has been cleared.

And I'm grateful for it all. 

Yes

health care

The thing of the moment, for many folks, is health care coverage.

I'm not going to go into all of what it is, etc. here. This is a link, if you're interested.

http://obamacarefacts.com/affordablecareact-summary.php

I've been trying to sign up, have been for awhile now.
Besides cost, the issue that I keep running into is this:

On my taxes, I file hoh. I'm not looking for health care coverage for my daughter, she already has it. To sign up, it won't let me choose hoh, it requires that I pick "single". When I do, it then requires me to add every person living in the home, regardless of whether or not I am seeking coverage for them. So, I add daughter. Then it tells me that I cannot continue because her number is already on file elsewhere, and that I have to call. I've called twice in the process, gotten through to a person once, after an hour, and then been dropped. Doing it again tomorrow.

It's frustrating.

but i'm trying.

Know what bites? I'm still going to barely be able to afford it, even at the reduced rate. Besides the fact that I hate the fact that I'm going to be subsidized.

But that's another issue.

Feeling kinda crummy right now.

So

It's done.

A calm, peaceful morning. A quiet drive north. An understanding vet's office full of still familiar faces, a private quiet room ready. I held my girl, there was no struggle. No fear. She purred into unconsciousness. Stroking her cheek through the final breaths, feeling her pulse slow...stop...
Quiet words and moments alone.

As it should be.

A beautiful creature, a joyous life, a respectful and gentle ending.

I feel numb, but gathered.

A talk with daughter about the move. About plans. Air cleared. Peace, again, resting upon another place in life. And now, we move forward again.

There are places when the strength of those around us holds us together. There are times when our strength comes from standing alone. And then there are the journeys we must take ourselves, but not without the quiet support of those who care.

In these times, when my words fail me...please know what I cannot say.

And please, don't let my awkwardness do what it always has.

Now...on to work.

a memory

Very much a night of memories.  It's helping me, and once again, this blog is serving as a wonderful therapist.

Several years ago, when older daughter was 9 or so, our Rottweiler became very ill. We had her into the vet, and after much work and many bills, she seemed to be doing better. We were very hopeful, but one day she stopped eating. After 2 days of not eating we realized that she was in a bad way still. The following day, as I was looking out the window at the farm, I saw her suddenly collapse. Then began a terrible series of hours as I rushed her intothe vet and the fact that something terribly catastrophic had occurred as they struggled to  find a functional vein, at first to administer aid, then to give the final dose.

I held my dear dog on my lap as she died, stroking her muzzle the way she liked best. She kept her eyes on mine, as I repeatedly told her it was okay, she was a good dog. I felt her struggling to stay with me, so I said "okay", her release command, one more time, firmly.

I saw the light and life leave her eyes as her body relaxed and her breathing stopped...I sat there, holding the shell of my friend, numb. It wasn't my first time through this, but it was the first time that particular situation had occurred.

The rest of the day was a fog. Breaking the news to my former spouse, who's dog she actually was. Comforting my daughter. Consoling her kennel mate, who began to howl and
who, that night, began to self-mutilate, a condition he had for the remainder of his life.

As bedtime came, my girl and I decided to make a blanket fort in the family room and sleep in it. She surrounded herself with stuffed animals and curled up in my arms. I suggested that we say our prayers, because that's what we did then, but she refused. I didn't scold. I simply began my own, silently.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I'm grateful..."

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't give thanks for that day. So, for the first time, I told God how I really felt.
I felt crummy.
Angry.
I was lying.
Instead, I said that I was NOT grateful, that the day had been fucked in major ways. I told him I was angry, and sad.

And then, I expected to go straight to hell.

But instead, I learned something about  God, or whatever the great grand power may be...

I heard a voice, as loud as a real one, day,
"I know. And I'm so sorry. It was a terrible day, and I wish it hadn't had to happen.  You don't need to try to make it something good. It's okay."

I don't know what it was, except that it wasn't me. And in that moment, God, or whatever, began to make sense to me.

Did you ever wonder why the bible says that Jesus cried when Lazarus died? He knew he could raise him. In fact, it says that he knew that he would.
Do, why did he cry with the sisters?
I think it's because he felt, and knew, their sorrow. If what he was said to be was true, then that's the only thing that makes sense. Isn't it?
Tonight, is like that.
And right at the moment, a dozy bug has hit me.
It will be a night of that.

Smile. Tony Bennett.

Not the first time this song has been in this blog...I doubt it's the last. This song has been a motto in my life for most of my life.

Tonight there are many tears, and I feel bad that I just cannot seem to stop them. Molly is doing the job she's done for 2 decades, sitting with me through it. That seems so ironic to me.

I know there's more than just this, although "this" is plenty. Frustration over my child, getting the house listed, and a mixture of gratitude for work for someone yet knowing that the missing, on my part, will be tough. That's okay, it's for a good thing. If it brings a feeling and boost of financial and life security to someone and family, that's what matters. My silly emotions will regulate. Because for all of my fanciful, ridiculous floofy ways, which are very much a part of me, I am quite practical.

Just don't ever think that my smile means that I don't care so very much more than you see. I do.

This is a very nice version, my favorite. Please look it up, blog bots. I can't post it directly from my phone and I just can't face the computer tonight.

At least the tears seem to have cleared out a strange eye issue that I was dealing with.

Tony Bennett
SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7B2_RYZVjs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

A cat

Cats get a bum's rush, sometimes.

They're often portrayed as self-absorbed, aloof, cold creatures, inferior to a dog because they lack the loyalty, devotion and subservient manner of the canine.

Perhaps, in some cases, this is true.

My cats, however...are different. And they always have been.

The cats in my life are smart. Loyal. Companions.

Two in particular. Maynerd, aka Nerdie, my long-awaited-6-month-deferred graduation gift who was with me from '83 until 2001...
and Molly.
When an animal comes into my life, especially if it is one that I have chosen, or been chosen by, I intend for it to live it's days with me. Never is it with impulse alone.
NEVER.
It can't always be that way, but most often, in my life, it is.
Molly came to us in 1994, as a 5 wk itty ball of fluff. She didn't know about real food yet or many other kitty things, so...
I taught her.
How to eat.
How to use a litter box, especially how to "flush"...the boy kitties, especially Nerd, never covered anything. Molly became so set on this that she would, and still does, cover up after any other cats.
Nerd taught her how to clean herself, how to play, especially how to fetch.
But Molly was not a cuddler.
Not until Nerd died. Before then, he was my constant companion. When I wasn't stationary, the two of them cuddled.
But after Nerd, when I was grieving, Molly climbed up beside me.
She still didn't purr much...
That came just a bit before older daughter took off, when things were dicey and difficult. One morning, as I moved out to the couch, wrapped in a blanket, worrying, Molly jumped up beside me, nudged her way under the blanket, nestled in my lap and began to purr.
We've been almost inseparable ever since.
She has been my comfort.
A joy.
A living piece of stability that has helped me to focus and stay the course. Many thoughts have come to me as my mind quiets, and focuses, settled by her warm body, steady purr, acceptance of my tears on her and absolute lack of demand for anything.
20 yrs.
Tomorrow, I fulfill my last, solemn, duty of stewardship with this sweet spirit.
I won't deny that a part of my heart is dying right now. Something in me began to ache a bit ago as I recognized this event approaching.
Now, that something has begun to hurt.
I'm taking her north, back to our old vet. They know me. They will not argue with me when I sit on the floor, holding my girl. They know that there is no way around it.

Tonight, she's as close physically as she can be. She always is. Her body doesn't generate the warmth she needs very well these days, so I give her mine. She's frail in frame, but her purr, and her nose nudges, are as full and real as always.

The dogs, they feel my sadness, and are gathered close as well. They aren't bothering Molly, and tonight, she doesn't care that they are here.

Just a cat?
No.

Animals have always been my companions into pain. And they have stayed with me and brought me out, back into joy. I've never had a human who understood my emotions in this situation, who would simply sit watch with me, so I've stopped asking for that. I can't say, however, that I don't wish for someone to know. I don't need, or expect, answers. Or for it to be "fixed"...nothing is broken. It's part of life, part of the gig.
But, if I tell no-one, they can't know. I suppose it's easier this way, for me, rather than have the burden of misunderstanding of what I hope for tossed on top. But that's my issue.
Molly and me.

sad

For various reasons.

Anyone who knows me knows that I choose to be positive as much as possible. It's a good way to be.

Right now, I'm sad.
It's not an issue of being negative.

This is a sad thing, and it's been weighing on me.

I have to do this alone.

And I'll be ok.

Just not right now.

The messenger

Linkin Park's concept CD, A Thousand Suns, social story and the horror of an apocalyptic war.
While the topic seems very dark and depressing, and in truth, it is, the CD is well worth listening to.
this final song, The Messenger, features raw vocals in a mostly acoustic track. It' s a song of hope. It's a song of learning. It's a song that shows us how to recover. How to prevent. How to focus on what really matters.
its a song that's very appropriate for this particular day.
please forgive any typos, voice text on a  busy highway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qSjwcoucSo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I seriously, at some point in my life, have to remember that when I am tired, I am almost incoherent. 

My head knows what I want to say, but while the thoughts are rolling around looking for an exit ramp to my mouth, some sucker from DOT comes along and shuts 'em all down. What ends up escaping are the tiniest, idiotic dregs that jumped the car and crawled over the wall to the street. 

Good Lord.

I should wear warning labels. 

Or just give up. Maybe my brain really is wired oddly. 

On that note, I'm going to head to work where I will run the office and handle multiple thousands of dollars and highly sensitive material. 

0,o


And what should come up on the playlist right at the moment? 

The Hives

WALK IDIOT WALK