what are the things that frighten you the most?

Not the big stuff, like earthquakes, floods, fires...in reality, I find that most people are NOT frightened by the thought of those happening. They are completely out of our hands, and as much as we try to project ahead and into the situation, the truth is that we won't know how to handle things or what will need to be handled until we are actually there. Okay, now I can hear someone reading this and saying, "Oh, trust me. The thought of those concerns me greatly". True, some live in mortal terror of these things. That's why I wrote that MOST people are not frightened, to the point of obsession, about them. I stand by that thought.

So what are the things that frighten you the most?

What are you afraid of? Things that might happen, things you might do, things that won't happen...?

Some things are basically the same from person to person. Most are very specific to someone.

What are mine? In my life I've had a few. I worried that I would be homeless, until I was. I worried that I would lose a child and not know where they were...until it happened. I worried that I would lose my family, and then I did. Those were the things that mattered the most, that truly worried me the most. I've been poor, I've been hungry, I've been hurt, I've been terrified of losing my mind...and a few of those above events seriously had me wondering if I had...
What I learned through these things is that my mom was right. 
She always used to say, "whatever happens, it's ok".
Not happy, necessarily. These things are not fun things. They aren't welcomed things. They aren't peaceful things. 
But they are ok. I learned that keeping myself right in the moment of life that I'm in gives me what I need to know how to move my foot that one tiny step. And the next moment gives me that next step, that next knowing.
This is all simplified, but knowing how to be in a moment and move into the next is very, very OK. And we get to the places that are easier, more peaceful, where happiness is.

So. What frightens me now? 

Losing my girl to choices out of my control. I have all the self talk that I need to work through those feelings, but there they are. I'm a mom. My girls are a physical part of me and because of some ways that I am, they are more than that. I don't think I'm unusual, most parents are that way, tied to their children in a "cosmic" sense. Stuff happens, we know. Anyway, that's another post, another time. 

Nobody likes the thought of being homeless or broke or sick and not able to take care of ourselves, but those things aren't what I'm including here.

Not a fear, but I worry about being misunderstood.

A fear...admitting a fear.

From "We Bought A Zoo"...

“You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.” 

And  my favorite movie scene...or at least one of them and it's been on here a few times already:

Go make the day happen. Or let it happen and make the moment okay. 

You're not alone.

Tonight

Tonight, my girl came home. Tonight, a most darling, beloved friend shared most beautiful news. Tonight, that same daughter left the house for a drive with the boy that has always filled her heart. Tonight, I recognized and remembered a truth about my former spouse that fills me with relief in the identifying. Tonight, I know that I can sleep late tomorrow. Tonight... with the relief and happy emotions I feel from others literally coursing through me as streams of bright and brilliant energy, bringing a catch to my breath and an ache in my heart, I open an envelope from my precious niece...
Below is a picture of what I found inside.

THIS IS YOUR TIME
This is your time.
Your time to say what you have kept silent.
Your time to ask big questions without apology.
Your time to shine like a blazing comet, whether they like it or not.
Your time to believe what your heart tells you: that this world could be very different.
Your time to live by your rhthyms, and teach them to the world.
Your time to nurture your village back to health.
Your time to show the world what it has  been missing.
Your time to show the world the other half of itself.

~Tara Sophia Mohr~

And I cannot stop the tears.

It IS time. For all of us.

I Want You. Savage Garden.

Ha! One more. Traffic light grab.

Missing

This song. 
Applies to many, many things in my life ~ places, events, people, emotions. Both past, present and future. I love to dance to it. To sing with it. It's one of those that sits deep inside of me and I feel it there from the opening beat to the final fade...and beyond.

And now, I'm off to pick up my girl from the airport. 

Missing

Everything But The Girl

Bloodhound Gang

This came on our playlist at The Monkey last week...

we were having a great time til customer's came in. 

Suddenly we're all teens diving for the volume control before anybody hears.

:)

Bloodhound Gang. Good golly. They're just good fun.

Blackstreet No Diggity

Nice mellow digging groove ~ 

Sway and swag it

Show me how you work it

Hey yo hey yo hey ya

late night.

I gave the cats a bath. 
They are NOT happy, hence why I am still awake. Actually, they're cuddled around me, purring and shivering...and making certain that I don't sleep yet. I do need to, and soon. I have work at the farm and then a drive to the airport. My girl is coming home early, her father purchased a plane ticket and voila. I hope it's been enough time. I'm also a bit disappointed, she'll be on her own alot while I get the farm job finished up this month. That's not always a bad thing...it just depends on what is done with that alone time. 
Oh well. Out of my hands now, this timing thing. I'll figure it out. I always do.

Thoughts. These are just going to be random and plopped on here as they come up. 

Something about autumn always makes me want to cook. Sew. Knit. Crochet. I do crochet and I sort of sew...knitting can only happen on looms. My mum, as encouraging as she always was, tried to help me learn to knit. Once. When the needles went flying across the room more than once,  narrowly missing her one time, she calmly took them away and said "You don't knit". 
She's right. But on looms, I can knit anything. Without causing harm to anyone, including myself. :)
I love to garden. Dry foods, fruits, herbs, etc. I love to can. 
Prune trees. 
Grub in that veg garden and get it all ready to overwinter. 
Plant bulbs. Trim hedges. 

I enjoy cleaning the house. 
Instant gratification. 
Floors, dusting(not too often, it's an OCD trigger so I control the urge). 

I hate crunches. I do them daily, hundreds. But I hate them. 

I find it interesting when people begin protecting their space. I'm so aware of it, likely because I don't want anybody else's space and when that vibe starts up, I back out. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I shouldn't stand firm, especially lately. And especially where people are concerned. I've absolutely never competed in the realm of attention from anyone. Is that wrong? I've always figured, and I guess I do and shouldn't put it as a past tense, that if someone is in your life then it should be because they WANT to be, not because I grabbed on and wouldn't let go. But...is there a point of being TOO hands off? Tell people how you feel. No, SHOW people how you feel. Don't say it or show it inappropriately, that's not okay. Do it enough so that you don't miss the opportunity. Good grief. Seems sort of like a perfect storm of something or other, doesn't it? Yes. It does. I just don't even know. For all of my years of being a girl, I still just don't seem to have some of these things down. Oh well. Let's just face it. What's a smallish, brown eyed redhead going to do when a tall, blue eyed blonde walks in? Yep. Sigh.
Moving on.

Things I've thought about being, when I grow up:
Bartender
Continuity Editor
Proof reader, publishing house.
Rehab, equine/canine, something or other.

Places I've considered applying(no judgements, k?):
More libraries (done, actually)
Feed stores
Lover's (it'd be a kick...before it got gross)
Many, many other places :)

I love flowers.
And leather.
Metal. 
Lace.
Boots.
Heels.
Jeans.
Low, low neck, high skirt dresses.
Jazz, Blues, Metal, Pop, EDM, New Age, STANDARDS...because I like to sing. All the rest because I like to move.
Dancing. All kinds.
Walking.
Hiking.
Photography.
Writing, poetry.
Learning.
Sitting someplace and simply being quiet.
Holding hands.
Kissing. Definitely.

I have a "dirty" mind and a romantic's heart.
Question...what's "dirty" about sex? I've never understood that. What in the blazes is more normal and natural than sex, eating, sleeping, loving...?
Anyway.

K. Kitties are leaving me alone now.
I'm feeling sleepy ish.

Far tmi, I'm certain. Not quite certain if this is a fatigue thing or not. It may end up drafted. 

Gnite ~ 

No You Girls. Franz Ferdinand...edit, working link and lyrics.

Franz Ferdinand

No You Girls

Oh, kiss me
Flick your cigarette, then kiss me
Kiss me where your eye won't meet me
Meet me where your mind won't kiss me

Flick your eyes and mine and then hit me
Hit me with your eyes so sweetly
Oh, you know you know you know that yes I love
I mean I'd love to get to know you

Do you never wonder?
No, no no no

You girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
You girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
How you make a boy

Oh, kiss me
Flick your cigarette, then kiss me
Kiss me where your eye won't meet me
Meet me where your eye won't lick me
Flick your mind and mine so briefly
Oh you know, you know you're so sweetly
Oh you know, you know that I know that I love you
I mean I, I mean I need to love

Do you never wonder?
No, no no no

You girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
You girls never know
Oh no, you girls'll never know
No you girls never know
How you make a boy feel
How you make a boy feel
How you make a boy

Sometimes I say stupid things
That I think
Well, I mean I
Sometimes I think the stupidest things
Because I never wonder
Oh how the girl feels
Oh how the girl feels

No you boys never care
Oh no you boys'll never care
No you boys never care
How the girl feels
No you boys never care
You dirty boys'll never care
No you boys never care
How the girl feels

Oh how the girl feels
Oh how the girl feels

A Monday in the life, with a Tuesday capping...previous entry with edits. Nothing profound in the least.

Such a day.

I had a wonderful day Sunday, after a long night's sleep Saturday. Early morning coffee with my older girl, after a long time since a visit, then to work. Good day at work, happy friendly people, many smiles in the crazy crush of a crowd...a bump and bobble Sunday night, but talk and a few drinks with friends Sunday night, home and sleep. Sleep. Ah...sleep. 

This morning up early, so much to do communicating...

Left to run away. 

Took a friend down to Seattle, and she led us to her favorite artist's coffee shop. So we're there and who should walk in a sit down right beside at the counter? Yeah. The artist himself. Nice, nice lunch and great company.

Headed from there to Shilshole to wander and relax along the water. It's almost a hidden spot still, not many people go there.  Wonderful time, completely fantastic, plopped in the sand and the trees, taking pictures, playing with her silly little chug pup. Heading back toward the car we met up with a woman, a clairvoyant it turned out. I wasn't surprised, she had that aura of awareness, in a fragile state, about her and I felt compelled to not just pass by her and so I stopped to say hello.  She is from this area, suffering from Lyme disease, up from Colorado where she lives right now, for medical treatment. I messed about a little bit with her camera, taking her photo, working on finding the picture that showed her as I saw her, at her request. She was so glad to be home for a few days, even if it was just for treatment. 

It was an experience. I've said before that I don't believe in coincidence, and that holds. It always will. My friend led us there, and this lovely dear was a gift to her, with a few messages for her. I knew that it wasn't about me at all. In fact, she had a bit of a need from me...for a change in one of these encounters with others I was the stronger link in the energy line. My friend has been going through a very difficult time in her marriage, and tonight those very words spoken to her by this lovely woman were needed when that difficult time took a ramped up turn. It all made sense to her after that.

Home, and a brief visit from another friend. And a few photos to edit and upload.

And a wonderful phone call. For which I am very, very grateful.

Falling asleep...I'll write more tomorrow. 

As it's tomorrow, just a few thoughts to add, beside the edits above. 

This is still my least favorite season of the year. So many negatives have happened during these Autumn months of the past that there is almost a PTSD type of response in me to the shortening of the days, the change in sound, light, scent...

But as I have pondered it more today, the things that I am often most grateful for have come to me as a result of those other traumatic events of other years. 

And so therein lies a key to many things, and feeds again into my coincidence line. 

I'll state again that I believe, I know, that life is good. 

These things that happen, the twists we follow in life's road, they can bring us to places of such beauty and a deeper way of living than we could ever get to otherwise... if we let them, and believe unflinchingly in the good inside of it all. That's different from being unaware and blind to the negatives. Not the same thing at all. 

Remember that all negatives have a negative to them as well, and that negative is light. We need them both. 

Anyway, now I'm rambling. 

Have a fantastic day ~ 

Omg

I've always  known that fatigue impairs me more than drinking ever does. It just makes me reveal more that is true at the moment but not necessarily my usual m.o.

It also works great for other situations where I can, at times, to hold myself too firmly in check. It's not always a bad thing to drop walls.

My life needs a fatigue-o-meter on my everything.
;)
But there it is. I'm just as imperfectly perfect as everyone. I adore it in others. I cringe at it in myself.

Have a lovely day.

Every now and again I wonder if I push myself too hard. 
It only hits on nights like this, when I'm so worn out that I'm sick. It's really the only time I notice it, that ton of bricks that hits your face and makes you stop and say, OUCH. 
I'm sure I've said this before, I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling fallible, small, tired, incapable. I know that I am, fallible, small, tired, often capable but not always. I just don't always FEEL like it. 
There's alot of "I" here tonight. 
I'm noticing that I'd rather chew off a limb, almost, than admit to anyone that I'm struggling with something. I know that it's a weakness, not a virtue. I can't seem to feel comfortable showing that vulnerability. I don't want to appear to be needy, dramatic, a burden of any kind...a whiner. 
Because I'm not. I'm not needy. Not generally dramatic, except when it applies and is required. I try to not be a whiner, and i am deadly afraid of being thought of as a burden of any kind. 

I'm also noticing that Emotionally Unavailable tag that someone put on me. 
I'm not. At all. 
I do realize that I can give that impression. What I hate is that it's all fear based, and i know it. I've been working on it, with actions, words when I need to. I don't say anything that I don't mean. I don't give lip service, false flattery, or blind loyalty. Yes, I may be loyal, but it's not blind. No matter how silly I may come across, it's never blind. Applies to everyone...family, friends, lovers. I'll sit in your boat with you, encourage you while you row, row while you rest, but I say what needs said. If I think you're screwing up, I'll tell you that I think you're screwing up, still in your boat. When I'm in, I'm in. I don't bail. 
And when I'm in, please let me in all the way. 
I can't do halfway. Well, I can. But it's only halfway. It's a car stuck in 2nd, never getting up to cruising speed at all. It's one foot hovering over the brake always. It's keeping the safety belt on while parked. 

I just don't feel very good tonight. So tired. Shaky. Upset tum. Headache. I need to go to sleep. But I needed to say a few of these things. 

Sometimes I can't help but worry that so many false starts and dead ends are leaving me just a bit jaded. For a long time I thought that a big lesson in life for me was to learn how to be alone. I realize, more and more, that I've spent so much time alone in life, most especially when I was married, that I'm quite comfortable with it...it doesn't bother me at all. My lesson is more in learning to be with another...learning to be vulnerable. To trust. To let someone in as far as I want to be let in. I work on it. I do. And few, if any, know that's going on. Except for the times that I'm tired. 

Anyway. I'm not comfortable tonight writing about myself. I think it's time to curl up in this blanket, with this pillow, and sleep awhile. 

To sleep ~ perchance to dream...

gnite.

I will follow you into the dark

Death Cab For Cutie. 

Some say that this is a terribly sad song...i suppose on some levels it is. But listen to the message in it, not just the words.

Not a new post...

I'm fairly certain this is already on here somewhere. It's a retrospective evening. 

Blame it on the stars. 

Hazy

Britney - Unusual You

Long drive today, grabbed the Circus cd and popped it in. Usually I just listen to Womanizer, haven't heard the whole thing for years. Totally forgot about this song. It has a nice dance flow, easy and soothing.