Thursday, July 10, 2014
Thursday, July 3, 2014
a night of reflection
Things have been tense between former and I. After being told that he no longer trusts me, that I have failed to teach our younger daughter good vs bad, among other things, today he asks for my help in becoming her friend because she's going to need support and help.
I was fairly frustrated and dumbfoundedby this request. It's just too much to go into, but did me the bottom line is that I have bent over the barrel and taken it for years to help facilitate a relationship between him and the girls and looking at the wreckage that remains after his last destructive attempt to be in her life, I'm feeling very guilty. Guilty that I allowed the negative influence to continue while trying to whitewash the truth in the hopes that both sides would figure it out. In truth, I suppose it had to run this course, and will need to likely get worse before it can get better. I couldn't have interfered without just cause of abuse, he had to have enough rope to hang himself, and now that he has I only hope that he can figure it out.
I hate this.
Hate.
Tonight I'm grieving for my dream of a "real family" for my children, the one I dreamed of. A father and a mother working together to create a life, to love, to support, to protect, to nuance each other, to show them how to grow, to learn, to share, to work, to hurt inside and how to forgive, how to try, how to live. I know that I tried as hard as I could, I thought if I dreamed that dream hard enough that it would cross the threshold and become something real. That was wrong of me. And my girls are paying the price. I can't tell you how awful that feels. What's worse is that there's nothing that I can do to change it. Tonight, it hurts very, very much. Tonight, it's very raw.
Dear someone said that she doesn't need a friend, she needs a father. A father and a mother.
He's very right. And I took that to reflect, wondering if that means that I am failing her as a mother.
Things are not as I know they should be, not as I want them to be for her, or for her sister. Things are better, however. And once this house sells and we are no longer in this constant cancerous reminder of betrayal it will be even better, even in the midst of change.
I don't know what to do other than this.
I can't, nor will I try, to be a father to them. That's silly. I'm their mom. I'm not one of those women who believes that a mom takes a father's place. it's impossible. The influence of a man who cares, who they trust to be there and do the right thing whether they like it or not, is not one that can be filled by a woman.
And so my heart is breaking tonight for that loss, for that unclaimed place in their lives.
All I can do is let the pain run it's course and find strength and hopefully guidance inside it.
I was fairly frustrated and dumbfoundedby this request. It's just too much to go into, but did me the bottom line is that I have bent over the barrel and taken it for years to help facilitate a relationship between him and the girls and looking at the wreckage that remains after his last destructive attempt to be in her life, I'm feeling very guilty. Guilty that I allowed the negative influence to continue while trying to whitewash the truth in the hopes that both sides would figure it out. In truth, I suppose it had to run this course, and will need to likely get worse before it can get better. I couldn't have interfered without just cause of abuse, he had to have enough rope to hang himself, and now that he has I only hope that he can figure it out.
I hate this.
Hate.
Tonight I'm grieving for my dream of a "real family" for my children, the one I dreamed of. A father and a mother working together to create a life, to love, to support, to protect, to nuance each other, to show them how to grow, to learn, to share, to work, to hurt inside and how to forgive, how to try, how to live. I know that I tried as hard as I could, I thought if I dreamed that dream hard enough that it would cross the threshold and become something real. That was wrong of me. And my girls are paying the price. I can't tell you how awful that feels. What's worse is that there's nothing that I can do to change it. Tonight, it hurts very, very much. Tonight, it's very raw.
Dear someone said that she doesn't need a friend, she needs a father. A father and a mother.
He's very right. And I took that to reflect, wondering if that means that I am failing her as a mother.
Things are not as I know they should be, not as I want them to be for her, or for her sister. Things are better, however. And once this house sells and we are no longer in this constant cancerous reminder of betrayal it will be even better, even in the midst of change.
I don't know what to do other than this.
I can't, nor will I try, to be a father to them. That's silly. I'm their mom. I'm not one of those women who believes that a mom takes a father's place. it's impossible. The influence of a man who cares, who they trust to be there and do the right thing whether they like it or not, is not one that can be filled by a woman.
And so my heart is breaking tonight for that loss, for that unclaimed place in their lives.
All I can do is let the pain run it's course and find strength and hopefully guidance inside it.
Yes.
This, here. This is me.
Be it good or bad, I've never been able to make myself try and talk someone into wanting me.
Still.
I like the original release very much, but of the YouTube offerings, this is my favorite.
A beautiful, emotional song, every part of it is filled with feeling and I can't bear to hear it phoned in.
Eric Clapton - While my guitar gently weeps (HQ)…: http://youtu.be/rj4J6i_vw0w
:/
A frustrating night.
Waiting waiting waiting waiting
Tired
Frustrated
Missing a touch
Sell, house. Dammit.
Job to apply for, would be quite nice.
I'm ready.
Please.
Waiting waiting waiting waiting
Tired
Frustrated
Missing a touch
Sell, house. Dammit.
Job to apply for, would be quite nice.
I'm ready.
Please.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Ok. Being very honest here...
The stress of getting the house done and moving, handling it all myself, trying very hard to not mess everything up, having gotten used to the idea of it as now and moving forward then having it halt and be back at square one, work worries, worries about daughters, the former,concern for a someone and a sincere wish I could set up a table top care center for him, some stuff...well, tonight it's hit me hard. My head is spinning again and I'm dizzy. Ok. I'm flatout scared.
Please, universe. Don't let me f it all up.
Please.
The stress of getting the house done and moving, handling it all myself, trying very hard to not mess everything up, having gotten used to the idea of it as now and moving forward then having it halt and be back at square one, work worries, worries about daughters, the former,concern for a someone and a sincere wish I could set up a table top care center for him, some stuff...well, tonight it's hit me hard. My head is spinning again and I'm dizzy. Ok. I'm flatout scared.
Please, universe. Don't let me f it all up.
Please.
well
Nutshell.
Work was crazy.
Sale fell through, actual note written in agents box says it's due to buyers being crazy.
Darn.
It's ok, I saw pretty clearly what I need to do to get us out of here, now I have a bit more time.
Liquidated some assets for that purpose.
Kid is headed off to warp tour tomorrow.
Other kid ended a job today, starts next one in a wk.
Had to contact former spouse.
Got dizzy. Feeling better now.
Miss someone.
Work was crazy.
Sale fell through, actual note written in agents box says it's due to buyers being crazy.
Darn.
It's ok, I saw pretty clearly what I need to do to get us out of here, now I have a bit more time.
Liquidated some assets for that purpose.
Kid is headed off to warp tour tomorrow.
Other kid ended a job today, starts next one in a wk.
Had to contact former spouse.
Got dizzy. Feeling better now.
Miss someone.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
The one that works
This song, it's a motivator for me. I'm not a fighter against anyone except myself, against anything except my own discouragement, my hesitation at the moment of movement.
Walk into it.
Grab firmly, no tenativity.
Make it be.
Lose Yourself by Eminem | Eminem: http://youtu.be/xFYQQPAOz7Y
Monday, June 23, 2014
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
onward ever
Fears, worries. Lord, they've wreaked havoc in me the past few days, confusing me to the point of not knowing what was right in front of me. I don't like myself when this happens. I feel like the proverbial train wreck. But it's possible to grab hold of a runaway engine, I've learned that, find the places where you can turn the track, just a little, make the momentum slow. Yesterday was about many of those tiny turns, and holding a dear friend's hand in her
difficult time.
Younger daughter is going to be fine.
Plans in place.
Confronting conversations had.
The house lists this week.
One step after another.
My composure broke, which I don't like. But even though it doesn't happen often, I suppose it's best to have it seen and either accepted or not. Very grateful for that person, was a rock for me when I needed one. That means a lot.
Life goes on.
difficult time.
Younger daughter is going to be fine.
Plans in place.
Confronting conversations had.
The house lists this week.
One step after another.
My composure broke, which I don't like. But even though it doesn't happen often, I suppose it's best to have it seen and either accepted or not. Very grateful for that person, was a rock for me when I needed one. That means a lot.
Life goes on.
Friday, May 30, 2014
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