Books

As you know, if you follow here at all, things have been difficult for me lately. I know that a large amount of it is from being far too tired. I do work long hours and the farm job, in particular, is physically exhausting. Many people think that it's standing behind a counter just running a register. It is that, but much much much more. Neither job has room for creativity from me, so the drudgery factor comes into play, but that is easy to push past. For a global person, I compartmentalize easily in those kinds of situations.
There's the house to take care of, the yard, the pets, the papers...there are my projects and goals, my fitness training, my extreme NEED for nature. My girls. My dear friends. None of which I am willing to sacrifice, and the order stated here is not accurate. People, pets at the top, and they are the why for the work. Someday, maybe, when things are more settled in the world, money can be put aside in greater quantities for a rainier day...but for now, there are many umbrellas already in need of tending. Anyway.
It wears on me.
I try to be brave and strong, not show weakness fear or frustration anywhere but here. There are so many posts in draft, some published then pulled, many just deleted... just vents. I don't want for anything to be written in hard copy and then found. We all become tired. Worn. Frightened. Frustrated. Discouraged. Angry. No one is immune.
Besides my struggles in the PAST with severe panic, with depression, the PTSD which rears its ugly head at the wrong times, I also struggle with eating disorders. Bulimia and anorexia. Neither are active, they are under control, but it takes daily talk when I am tired like this. BDD is strong and always active. I have no true concept of what I look like. When I look in the mirror, I see gargantua. Period. Change that, I don't know how so instead I disregard it and try to live as a person. That statement may not make sense, but if you know the journey, you know those words.
Why share that? It's with a great deal of apprehension, believe me. It shows weakness and vulnerability, which is extremely uncomfortable for me, for most people. I do not want sympathy nor do I want condemnation. It is here as an exercise toward healing for myself.
I've stated before that the shadows are where our demons live. We need those shadows. We have our demons. They are not separate from us. They are us just as much as anything else is. My belief, and my choice, is to make peace with them. Always. This is my next set to be friends with, this is my introduction of them into the lighter places. They will always live in the shadows, but that's ok. They were born there. It is their realm of existence. Peace between the places, that's my goal.
In a perfect ideal, we could erase and reset. Not be damaged or broken. But damage shows depth. It builds characters of awareness, acceptance, forgiveness, empathy, among many others. Breakage shows strength, healing, repairs...wisdom is nurtured in these places.
We all have baggage.
It's ok.
We should.
Lately, there have been more rumors in this small town. That my morals...well, that I have none. I thought about detailing the list, but I've opted not to. It's been hard. None is true. And I'm thankful for the people who know me. I'm not certain how things will continue to play out, but whatever happens, I'll be there.
Books. A very good friend, a blessing, gave me the heads up on a series of books. The Four Agreements, The 5 Levels of Attachment, The Voice of Knowledge...I picked a couple others as well.  These aren't new concepts, to me or to life, but I have been deeply grateful for the reminders that they carry. I had intended to go into greater detail, but I'm out of time.
Check them out. Lk what you feel.

Lovely, lovely song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9s4y9eK-Hg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

So Far Away

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GAaWz4X4nU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The Girl With The Red Balloon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2HF1NST1Vs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Every now and then...
Even I begin to lose hope.

Keep trying
Keep moving
Keep watching...
Keep waiting.

Smiling
Laughing
Crying.

Grateful for stars
Moonlight
Oceans
Sun.

Why wish for more.
Why try.
Why move.
Why watch.

Why wait.

For what...?

Crawl on my bed
Tired
Soul and body.
Wrap blanket around my body.
Feel my heart beat
Breathe in...out.
Quiet my mind.
Still my thoughts

Sink into sleep, shivering body calms with warmth...
Dreams
Morning

Hope lives again.

An attempt at a decent panorama...

ah well

Sigh.
When faced with unavoidable, albeit circumstancial, evidence...my only conclusion is the following:
I. Give. Up.
It is what it is.
A wedding is to be celebrated, however, so dry my heart and swallow my tears. There will be time for such feminine silliness another time.
So onward I go.
.. ouch.

If we take the stance that nothing is a coincidence, then we must accept that things happen as they should...ultimately.

I suppose, then, that my purpose in a few places is ended. I must have done what was needed and now...well, now my part is done.

So. Just moving on.
Just living a life.

Well, a good solid whine last night helped me get it out of my system. In the light of day, though, i could see what needed done and why it needed me to be the one to do it...so it served it's purpose.
One thing I know about this life and living,  no matter how things feel or look tonight, it will be better tomorrow.

and life, it goes on and on and on

When I started this blog, a million years ago it seems, I titled it Simply Living a Life, because that's what I was doing. It was a good life, a busy life. I had a few home based businesses, had 2 girls at home, was married, busy with a church job, a theatre group, a 4H leader, busy at farming/gardening/sewing/, etc. It wasn't a complicated life, but it was very full. 
Times...yes, they change. 
Sometimes for good, sometimes for not. 
It's still a busy life, just in different ways. I've grown in many ways, changed, but at the base of it all...I'm the same woman.
There's nothing profound going on, and I'm definitely not thinking that anything posted here is that in any way. 
These are just my thoughts, things happening in my daily life, observations about myself. Nothing more. Just simply a life.
All I really have to add tonight is...
Younger daughter is set to go to a therapist to help her find tools for her anxiety and depression. Her dad is worried about her, they've had a few verbal runs lately. He asked me tonight if she was ok. I replied that overall, yes. That she is angry at life right now. 
He asks, without asking, about what...
No. 
It's not fair. I can't do it. Don't make me, plz. Please please please don't ask me to explain why she is angry...and why she is angry at him.
He knows. 
It doesn't need verbalized by me. It isn't my job anymore, to care, to protect, to...whatever. 
But protect is what I am doing. 
I do believe in what is commonly called "karma". "what goes around comes around", "you get what you give", etc etc etc. It happens all the time. It sometimes takes a special eye to see it, but it happens. Natural consequence, be it good or bad. And it's not always in like form, especially when it's good karma. 
Yet, being that I believe in it, I take no pleasure, ever, in seeing it happen when it's "bad" coming back around. 
It just hurts to see. It hurts to watch the realization, to see what you knew would be the reaction be reacted to. It hurts me, at any rate. 
And I cannot...will not...inflict pain. I will not point out the obvious. 
In this case, I just won't do it. I refuse. I don't have to make sense, I just can't do it. 
As I sat tonight, carefully choosing my words when explaining the basic bits to him and the tears came. Tears, surprising myself at the depth of them, feeling his sadness and concern as he reached out to me for reassurance and connection...and answers...
Is it wrong for me to feel weary of being the responsible one all the time? The one who has to be the grownup, the one who has to...I don't even know what. 
sigh.
Mum, send your cosmic self to sit with me and let me rest my head in your lap, rub my hair and sing me a soft song. Just give me a little extra oomph to just keep rolling. 
I know I will. I just want, really want, comfort tonight. 
So, that's me right at the moment. Glad that daughter is ready to take a step forward and face her frustration over things in life, grateful that we have the opportunity...grateful that while he left the family, her dad continues to care for her in the ways that will really help her. 
So sleep comes. I'll close my eyes and picture mum here, taking care of me for a moment, giving me a chance to be vulnerable and a little less strong, just for a tiny bit.
Morning will come and I'll be up and at it again. Doing my best. Living a life.

Barrel of a Gun ~ Depeche Mode - updated post

Not a single statement behind this song that I'm applying to anything here...the song, and video, are about Depeche Mode's frontman, Dave Gahan, and his stint in rehab. The vid is intense. But that's not what has it here for me...

I'm just really digging the groove.  

Alot.

Clarity and definition

I want to be very, very clear here, no misunderstandings of any kind...
I love life.
I believe in every good thing, and I believe that very few things do not have good in them.
I believe in hope.
I believe in change.
I believe in kindness.
I believe in love.
I believe in friendship, in forgiveness...
I believe in eternity.
I believe in the moon and stars, in nature, in the animals.
I believe in the magic around us.
I believe in truth.
I believe in true love.
Life, this crazy messy beautiful thing we are all in, is simply wonderful. Even in its sadnesses, it is so amazing.
I believe, quite simply, in living this life of mine, and sharing every wonderful thing I find.
This blog is just about those simple daily struggles and victories that we all face.
I wish for you all a lovely night ~
Be well.

morning is always bettee

So much better after some rest...it always is. Even waking up this morning I'm a bit sore, but saturdays are tough ones, they do take it out of me.
Small fibro fit wanting to build, I can feel it but I'll caffiene, iboprofen, protein and move it out of me.
That explains last night's deep discomfort.
Writing that helped me purge it some and I fell back to sleep easily.
Have a very nice Sunday.

Tonight...i am tired.
The peace of the past morning is remembered...
Inside, I am the same ~
But
Tonight I am soul weary
Heart worn
Bone tired and body beaten.

Tonight I am spent
All through
No hope
No joy
Only work seen as far as an eye can see.

Creating happiness is too much
Tonight.

Curled on my bed
Listening to the night sounds that bring solace...
The owls, bullfrogs...nothing.
Discomfort, bruised, aching body tonight,
Scars pulling, stretching, burning.

Pain, tonight.
I can't beat it tonight.
Too tired to get ahead of it tonight.
Drowning in it. Tonight.

I know that morning comes soon, and with it the light and hope will return.
I live in hope, always...it's a choice and it's lovely.
There,
I remember why I do what I do
I see how far I've come
I encourage
Support
Love
I understand
I forgive
I accept.

Just not tonight.