Interesting...

Not trying to be serious or super-reflective on this blog, overall...but it's going to come out that way right now. I'll be goofy in a moment, promise. :)


Had an interesting evening, last. Masoud wanted to meet up at Fred Meyer, "for groceries". Now, this is code for seeing Emma. It's been a darn rough month financially and another one coming up, so I agreed to drop other plans to meet off the cuff like that. It's been awhile since he and Emma have visited, he's been out of the country for several weeks and hadn't seen her for a few prior to that(really, you would think that he lived terribly far away instead of a mere 1/2 hour), and she wasn't particularly pleased about having to see him. I know that she may not realize it now, but someday she will be glad of a relationship with him that is more positive than not. At least, I sure do hope that she will be. That's why I try very hard to not talk negatively about him or what has happened, just matter-of-factly when anything comes up that can't be avoided.


Emma and I are always there on time, but always much earlier than he is, so we get started right away, meandering around, planning and talking about meals, school snacks, etc. When her father gets to the store, I send them off on their own and make myself disappear. The visit isn't about me, and I don't want to be the one that they both hang on to because it seems easier than dealing with each other.


Here's the thing that I want to talk to somebody about...and since there isn't anybody, it becomes this blogspot.


I've noticed that the past few times that we've met up(over the course of the past several months), I feel nothing. Really.


After the seperation, when we first moved out(at his request), it was the most painful thing in the world. I couldn't call him any of the endearments or nicknames that had been accumulated over the decades, I couldn't touch his arm or stand nearby as we had always done. I just didn't know what to do or how to "be". Afterward, I'd be a shaking, shivering mess and cry for the rest of the night from the overflow of emotion. It just wasn't worth the toll, for me alone, but Emma needed that contact with him and I could be a big girl and suck it up...somehow.


During this time I kept up with my therapy, working very hard at overcoming the pain and growing through it. There wasn't any avoiding it anymore and I'd given up that foolish thought, so it was clear that moving through the situation was the only way to go. Hopefully, I'd drop the negative emotions and pain along the path so that when I came out of the darkness they would no longer be my companions and I would find that I had opened up doors to accept new and positive thoughts and feelings. I'd been meeting with counselors over the years to deal with the issues that had always been alive during our marriage, but I needed something different, something that could help me to identify root issues and rid myself of them. The therapist that I found was working with an approach called T3 magnetic therapy, and it involved a certain awareness and open spirit in order to be effective. Very interesting, something to go into more depth here about another time. But to nutshell it, core issues are uncovered and then removed through a particular approach, new belief systems are found and sort of implanted through the use of very powerful magnets. There is a very definite physical and spiritual reaction, it takes a few days for the system to re-balance and re-set. During this time sleep patterns are disrupted, thought processes are a bit more scattered, or more highly focused. It depends on the the situation. I know that it sounds rather hocus-pocus, hoodoo voodoo, but it isn't. Definitely not for the person who isn't wholly invested in the outcome, however,  as it was a tough haul emotionally over the time that we took. But in the end, the results were just what I had hoped for. I felt, each time, a complete release from the negative thought patterns that had plagued me for my life, and to this day cannot recall them to me. They are gone.


How did this help me heal from the divorce? Well, I knew all along that the marriage was not a good one. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't be the person that he needed for me to be. Nothing was enough, ever. This played into patterns from my youth and I knew no other way for life to be. I can say this now without anger or blame. He did not love me, nor did he like me. There was a certain depth of responsibility that he felt toward me, after so many years, but the other had not ever existed for him. The truth was that our marriage was, to him, a business arrangement. It was to help bring his family here, and once that had been accomplished in full, the exit began. I sensed it for several years before but put it away, not wanting to deal with the issues in myself.


So now I had released old core beliefs that were flawed and incorrect and held positive and more correct ones in myself. And I found that the pain was almost gone...just like that.


Do I miss my old life? Yes. I miss the home on Camano. I miss the gardens, the space, the simplicity of growing our food, raising the children, the feeling of purpose...I miss the luxury of spending a summer's day in the gardens, planning and cooking with the foods that I harvested, washing the clothing and putting it out on the line to dry in the sun, exploring and walking with the girls, caring for the animals. I miss it quite desperately at times. It was a lovely time and I can at least say that I appreciated it at the time as much.


But...Do I miss him?


No.


I miss what I had hoped we could be, but never were, so is that missing, really? I don't think so.


We weren't close, ever. I wanted to share thoughts, feelings, dreams, goals, interests, joys and sadnesses as they came along. We didn't.


After we found out that Emma was coming along, we shared nothing else as well. And that was for many, many years before our marriage ended legally.


So where is all of this going?


This is the interesting thing to me...after all those years of living together, when I see him now I feel nothing. Nothing. I feel more when I look at a stranger and wonder about their life than I do when I see this man. Just, nothing. Not anger. Not loss. Not sadness. Perhaps a hint of pity, because I know in time he will miss his children and what he does now will pave the way for any possibilities in the future...and I see him blowing that away.


I can honestly say that, except for how he went about it, I am really glad that this has happened. I am me and I like me, for the most part. I know that I am a good person and I know that I am trying to do my best. I am not complacent by any means. Just not beaten down anymore by the thought that I am of no worth. My friends, my hopes and dreams, interests and hobbies are no longer ridiculed and I am free to love them and grow through them, to use them to do good things.


Some people expect for me to be quite sour on men or marriage, given the traumatic way that all of this occurred. It WAS brutal, yes. It didn't need to be, but it was. I still can't talk about it all, people only know small pieces and their shock is enough to just stop me. Nothing else needs to be said at this point, and if it ever comes up that anyone needs to know it all then that will be a different situation. BUT, I'm not sour on men. NOT AT ALL. And I'm not against marriage, AT ALL. And I'm not gay, for crying out loud. I like men quite a bit, thank you very much! I actually think that they are pretty wonderful, in fact. :)


So, the real upshot here? T3 is fantastic, and so is a pantry full of groceries!!! :)
Thanks for "listening". Helps to get it out.