Actually, I'm more than "kinda" sad. I AM sad.
Today the Camelot costumes are leaving, the shippers just called. They'll be here in about 2 hours. That's the last tie to a wonderful re-birthing experience for me. Now all that will be left are memories and some random photos.
The people will move on. They already are. I've seen it enough to know that it's how these things cycle. There is the initial tearing away that is hard, and most will try to hang on to something, not willing to let the connection dissolve. Sometimes, solid friendships are built and they last, but it really depends on the individuals and how much they are willing to put into the maintenance of the connection while it bridges the gap between make-believe and real life. For the most part, there is only a vague acquaintance that is left. Someone that you will recognize and say hello to and then that's that. It's a hard time to navigate for alot of people, especially those that are new to the process.
Then there are the times when the friendship possibility is strong and solid, common interests and thoughts are open to conversation and tossing of ideas; but it goes nowhere. One party decides, for whatever reason, to let it go. They move on and don't look back, and the other is left standing there, sad.
That is me.
Today, I accept that the friendship that I thought was going to make it through the process, has not, will not. This one hurts. I thought I had happened upon someone that I could share ideas of politics(maybe even have solid religious discussions, that would have been really great), theatre, gardening, travel, all those things that I love, that I want to learn more about. I like to think way out of the box on things and that upsets alot of people who are uncomfortable with open spaces, so I keep my thoughts and questions to myself in large part. The sadness is a little stronger than it might have been otherwise...okay, alot. This one points out to me that it most respects in my life, I truly am alone. I have my words to share my thoughts and ideas with, but that's all...and I guess that will have to be enough.
I reach for my notebook and pen and scribble down the thoughts that are springing to life in my head and heart. But that's where they'll stay.
Nothing bounces them up to the next level, or into the next room. They never become fully fleshed out and then just wither and die in their 2-dimensional state. Likely they would do that anyway, but who would know?
Part of this situation could be that, because this person is male, and I am a single female, my motives are being questioned. I can't do a thing about that, nor do I care to(I had to think about that one, but I've decided...i can't worry over every move or word, that's not friendship). I make myself as non-threatening as I can, as I know how(which is funny because how threatening is a hamster?), but I can't do anything about another's perception beyond that. I have been told that I am a flirty person, but I don't see it. I can't flirt, I choke up. I don't know how, for pity's sake. A friend would know that, wouldn't they? He never gave any indication that there was any interest beyond conversation, etc. and I am certain that I did not offend the boundary that I felt. I am confused on all of that, I've never understood any of these things. I don't see what I can do to change it. I think that all that is left is needing to accept it, whether or not I agree or understand.
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