Oh, what a month May was. Difficult, disappointing, dispiriting, discouraging...many disses. I, for one, am so glad that it is gone. I am hoping, and attempting to create the reality of all that mess being contained within the wadded ball of paper from the calendar, tossed into the garbage and relegated to the past and to the road behind.
However, being an idealistic realist, I know that the path behind colors the walk ahead. So I suppose that the truth is that I am hoping for the residues to be diminished in their ability to touch the tomorrows ahead.
What on earth has happened? Probably nothing large to anyone reading these words, but to me, far too much, all at once. Hard to write about, but harder to hold inside.
Already feeling the sadness of a loss, documented earlier, I found that a position of employment had been scammed out from under me. It had been an ideal set-up for us, worked quite well in our schedule and provided just enough income to cover what was lacking. I don't ask for much, and require little, but to have that "not much" and "little" managed is necessary. So, that discovery set me reeling. Welcome to the month...
At the same time, my daughter was approached with dancing for the company performance team for next year. This brings an added expense that I am completely uncertain as to how we will meet, but it has to happen for her. And to this one thing I am sure...I will do whatever must be done to make sure that it does.
Why?
While I am dealing fairly well, for the most part, in my recovery from our abandonment and the divorce, she is not. We had an anniversary, of the date that we were moved out, happened early in May. I was aware of it, but as she does not speak about it and doesn't like to bring any of the subject up, I kept that awareness to myself. She, however, brought it up, out of the blue. And a depression landed on our home. I could see it weigh her down, it was tangible and very dark.
The hardest part of being a parent is the feeling of complete helplessness when you see your child in pain, for whatever reason, and know that you cannot remove it. It is the most indescribable agony of soul and spirit that I have ever endured and it has no relief until a way through is found and their healing begins. Torture knows no greater tool. Sorrow goes no deeper. Not for me.
I have wanted, through all of this, so desperately, to have the ability to move her through the experience with as little damage as possible. Difficult, not realistic at all. Highly idealistic, and without any rational thought to it. But still, there was the desire. I have so many unresolved feelings from my childhood of constant movement and upheaval and loneliness and isolation that I am not properly capable of removing myself from them and approaching her situation objectively. I project my experience too strongly and lose my bearings inside of it. Being confronted with her pain left me feeling completely incapable of everything. Absolutely everything. Yet everything depended on me getting us through the rapids.
If you have never felt the truth of "taking things one step at a time", wait until you are a parent, or responsible somehow for getting another life through a dangerous place without knowing where or how to step. Things make so much more sense when you see them through those eyes.
This, of course, is happening while we are still dealing with her "friend" having set a jugulo gang on her for no longer having a particular hat. Yes, you read that correctly. And that's another issue altogether, but is part of the reason why it is of extreme importance that any job that I am able to get not leave her home alone for any real length of time. Still being dealt with, had another discussion with a probation officer for an individual just this evening. There was some good and positive news tonight, whew.
Dance is my daughter's salvation right now. Everyone needs something that is their own. This is hers. She adores music, as most young people her age do. She plays piano, is beginning to sing again, but dance is her outlet. It is her focus and it drives her, it comforts her. It is the string of life that she is holding hard afast to during this time of her life. It is beginning to define who she is, and through it she is learning strength, confidence and ambition is becoming her own again.
And that is why I will do whatever is needed in order to make sure that she is able to pursue this opportunity.
Summer session of dance is paid for, somehow. Music Man dance auditions are coming up and she is excited for that.
School is out next week, but I am finding productive, worthwhile things to fill our time with.
The sting of that job taking is diminishing and leads are opening up in unexpected directions. A few openings in the library system just were posted, and I am applying for those as well.
Counseling will be paid for by her father, per our agreement of parenting.
The gang beating issue is having much light shown on it and that always helps these situations lose their power. Dark deeds do not thrive in bright light.
For now, the hemorraging is, at least, managed. The cutting has stopped, but I am on open alert and do regular inspections, without objections.
And I am so grateful that this miserable month of May is gone.
Oh yes, let's not forget...the world was supposed to end on the 21st of May. See? Blimey, what a blooming dismal 31 days that was.
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