really need to be in bed trying to sleep, but ~

I can't.
Not yet.
I'm upset.
(hey, look how those 3 sentences above gradually descended, lol!)

So, I didn't sleep really well last night...ah, heck. I don't sleep well. Truth is, I don't like to sleep alone. Yes, I have to pups and kitties, but it's different. And it's not sexual. It's just a comfort thing, like a teddy bear used to be. AND being the person in charge of the world, our home being the world in this case, I don't sleep well because I am "on guard" all the time. Beside the point.
I didn't sleep well. I closed at the office last night and was on opening shift this morning, with both jobs back/back today (wednesday)...weighing on my mind. So, every hour felt like a thousand and I was worried I'd over-sleep, etc.
Had an insane crazy day at HR today. It's peak tax season, of course IRS had a delay on their end, people are calling and freaking out, people are making appts, people are walking in, preparer's are working like steady soldiers, keeping all the files straight, handle all 3 phone lines, people in front, messages, issues, payments, etc and the inter-office personality meshings...anyway, 6.5 hours went by super fast.
Had to run errands afterward. Got home, almost feeling like I'd accomlished something. Came upstairs to handle Amazon orders and Avon orders, pay bills so we can have electricity and such, do school emails, run laundry loads to wash my work clothes and get them ready for tomorrow...and then...
BOOM
Email. Slam, BANG. What I'm doing wrong. How I'm not meeting expectations and needs. How I'm failing.
I don't even have time for phone calls from friends. I don't go out with anyone after hours. When I'm online I'm working and just have a fb window open to try to communicate with people to coordinate things for Emma and to try and feel connected to anything.
From someone that I care very much for.
I get it, this person doesn't understand. They can imagine and try to get there, but even when you are the only functioning part of a team, you are still a part of a team, instead of being THE team. They don't get it. I didn't get it until I got here. I figure it's a good day if I'm in bed before 3, cleaning house, helping Em with homework, cooking, doing the errands, taking care of pets, yard, bills, online work, and then this when I can, because it's my therapy. This is the only place where it all gets dumped, and even then it doesn't all get put here. Those are in notebooks that will never see the light of day.
Yeah, I wish things were different.
I don't like the situation either.
I wish I didn't have to work 2 outside jobs, push the pet care biz and do the 2 online jobs all at the same time.
I wish I had help being a parent, even just the support of talking to someone about my frustrations.
I wish that I had this person and the others like them closer, in all ways. But I don't.
I have dark circles the size of Jupiter, but I can't sleep.
I get dizzy and tired, but I can't eat, I'm worried and my stomach hurts.
I try to laugh and find humour and joy in things around me because it keeps me from feeling so alone and sad about that.
But I knew that it was coming. I just kept wishing that it wouldn't.
Because I can't do anything else about it.
I send texts with pictures, I hate my email because it slugs up and doesn't send, takes multiple tries.
They hate facebook, which I can do from my phone, which most days is the only way that i can even get there.
They don't know what it's like to not have family around.
I do.
It's always been that way for me.
They don't know that not one single member from that direction even posted a stupid 2 word mention on my facebook wall for my birthday.
And only one ever pops in to say hello, the busiest of all.
I can't reply to the email right now, because I am stunned and numb from hurt. There is no way that I'm going to just let it rip back. I can't do that. I hope that they don't understand how it felt to read those words, having had the day that I've had and having been trying to make enough money to keep my kid going. I hope that they didn't remember that I have a former spouse to deal with and how difficult that is, to try to keep the hurt out and let my girls have a relationship with their dad that isn't tainted with my emotions. I hope that the thought that I miss them MORE than they miss me didn't cross their mind, because if it did, if they knew how sad and lonely I am and how desperately i wish that things were better and I could be what they need and still sent that message...i just don't know how I could handle that.
And the thing is...I don't know how they could forget.
Every day when I get up I don't know what's going to happen that day. I pray that I don't get laid off from the one job, or fired from the other because it's so high pressure and I messed up. I pray that I can get my daughter's rides all coordinated and the gas money to cover those expenses delivered. I hope that I can handle all the ends from her school and her dance, which she needs SO MUCH and which I am so glad that she found.
But I'm glad for this crazy, unexpected, unpredictable life. I just wish I could handle it all with grace. And i wish that I didn't still get hurt so easily.
So, tonight I can't sleep again. I'm sad. And being honest, I just want someone that I can put my head on their shoulder and cry for a bit. Just to not feel alone with this sad. This isn't what I share with my girl. She already worries, she doesn't need to be worried about me being sad.
And tomorrow is going to be such a long, long day.
Well, need to go switch laundry over again.
Life. Such a funny, funny thing.
You can plan it all that you want, but what it does is all up to every whim in the universe.
Sorry for the whine and the pity party. I guess we'll chalk it up to, part of the package.
But...think, a few times, before you choose to "let someone know how you feel". Do you really need to? Is it going to do them any good? Do they really need to be humbled? They may already be pretty darn low. Please just consider those few things first. Temper your comments. Remember what your goal is. That's why I can't respond. Not yet, anyway.
Hope that this comes out okay, not editing yet. Just not a night for that.

Song...I'd play Sia, I'm In Here, but I already did.
I think I'll play The Script, For The First Time.
Anything from them works for emotions...

For The First Time

The Script