During this time of the year I work part-time at a tax prep office. I'm not a tax prep, the work that I do is as a receptionist. It's a good job, I enjoy this type of work. I wish it was a year round gig, but I appreciate the opportunity just as it is. 

Being that it's a tax office, during peak tax season, people from all walks of life, from all ages and from all stages of life, come in. Some are nice, some are resigned, some are angry...some are frightened. People come in to stay on top of their financial situation, and people come in to clear up their financial situation. Deaths, divorces, births, marriages...all are covered. It is an amazing and complete collection of life. The poor, the rich, the unemployed, the over-employed(yes, there is such a thing), the disabled, the student, the retired. 

The most intriguing and rewarding part of my job is working to equalize the emotional temperature in the office at all times. To assist the preparers, the clients, law enforcement(it happens), corporate and general public. I liken it to proper wound care...if it's too wet, dry it out. Too dry, add moisture, etc. It can be exhausting and there are days when my strongest desire, after several challenges, is to just tell someone who is coming at me from an unpleasant place to f*** off. I don't, of course. But I want to. Always I remember that if they are being reactive toward me, who has done absolutely NOTHING to them, then they are dealing with strong emotions, most likely based, ultimately, in fear. I can sympathize with that. And I can deal with that. Very, very rarely am I unable to positively impact the situation. I don't know why, or how. 

One of the most challenging situations deals with divorce. Not challenging for me because of my own experience, but because of the raw emotions involved. People are hurting. They are afraid of the pain that they feel and angry because they feel it and can't make it stop. 
I hear so many stories, hear of so many conflicts. People reacting to them, others planning them. Revenge. 
Tonight, there was a man there who needed to approach his ex-wife about claiming their children for the child/tax credit...and he was afraid. His new wife was afraid. Afraid!

It occurred to me, at just that moment, that as an ex-wife (God, I hate that term. I hate saying "ex", I hate it beyond description. It's a term that takes an experience, a relationship, and plops it into a negative category), an ex-girlfriend, an ex-friend...I'm good. I am not bragging at all. I am seriously saying that the last thing that I want, in any ending, is for there to be anger. I won't blame, I won't yell, I won't attack, I won't argue, I won't plot. I won't do any of it. I refuse. What good is it? Does it help healing happen? I'm not saying I won't feel anger, hurt, etc...but I choose to not react with it. I'm not a pushover. I have boundaries and I will protect them. If it's a love relationship and I'm left, then it's over. I don't take people back. 

I've tried before. It doesn't work. If they left once, they will leave again. No one has ever shown me otherwise. Period. But we can be friends, depending on them. 

If they leave my friendship, then we are done. Maybe this is a big weakness in me...it probably is. I don't know how to work around it, so I'm not going to try, at least not right now. If I can't figure a way to not be that way, then it might just be the right way for me...I don't know. 

But I still won't wish ill.

Life is just too short, too uncertain, too full of sadness and pain to add to that. People matter, that's why I don't throw them away. But even when they leave your life, there's no reason to perpetuate pain. To try to hurt back. None. 

Anyway. Those were just some thoughts that were running through my mind. 

The Heart Of The Matter

Don Henley