So.
I'm not sure if I've had this in here before. At any rate, it's been awhile and it's changed.
I never really know how to bring it up.
I'm almost 49 yrs old. I feel like it shows, and I'm okay with that. Really, I am. I run, walk miles, lift weights, box the bag(not well, but properly), honestly have really good abs thanks to modified pilates lifts and hundreds of crunch routines twice a day, believe it or not. If you've seen me, you may not believe that. That's okay.
Like most people my age, I certainly haven't come through those years unscathed, physically. My arms have burn scars. My legs are marked. My face is lined. I have 2 daughters and I have stretch marks. But more, and there doesn't seem to be a thing that I can do about it. It's also something that I'm not okay with but have to find a way to be.
About a decade ago I became very sick. We didn't know what was going on. Cancer was ruled out, many tests were run on many systems. It was determined to be an auto-immune situation, but we were looking at MS or Lupus in particular.
The good news was no MS. No Lupus. And no cancer.
Still, I could hardly walk. I could barely move freely. My metabolism was a mess. I was eating nothing and gaining weight, largely due to not being able to move, I imagine. Especially since I've always always been extremely active and have a low metabolism likely due to severe crash diets when I was young.
We've all seen the magazine covers of people who've lost weight. It's awesome! They've done great, and I'm so proud of these people that I don't know.
I hope this comes out right...this is why I don't bring it up...
It's a great accomplishment to lose 25-30 lbs. Or 50. Even 80.
There are some who've lost 100, and can you even imagine? That's 2 grain bags of weight.
Think about 3 of those. Or carrying 4 of them around, on top of your own regular weight.
Load them on a pallet, one of the solid ones made with real 2x4's.
So.
Skin does crazy things. It stretches.
It doesn't always shrink back completely. It comes damn close, but...maybe it does, over time. Maybe a long time.
There are herbs and oils, vitamins that help. Tea Tree, or Melaluca, is very good. Mineral oil, not so much, it burns the skin and I believe the thought is that the irritation causes a reaction. Vitamin C is good, Green Tea cleanses are helpful. One note, all of these things help tremendously with Fibromyalgia, which is what it was finally determined that my auto-immune issue is. I do know that I've discussed that issue here. It's a condition that has a range of symptoms and severity. I have almost all of the pressure points, not just the common ones used in diagnosis, but also the more remote and rarely seen. Mine is in "remission" (my use of the term, I'm fairly certain that it doesn't actually apply), has been for a few years and spot flares are treated with all of the above, plus a severe control of sugar and large addition of protein and caffeine. WebMD, eat that.
:)
Anyway.
It's an issue for me. Being intimate with someone, can't hide it. Or the deflated boobs. I hate that also. And the fear of rejection. That's huge. I always hope that someone in my life will understand and see the victory in it all.
But.
There it is. I try very very hard to emphasize my strong points. I love being a woman. I take care of my body. I do have really good abs, and butt and legs and cut arms, but there is the skin that can hide those things. Feel me, however, and it's easy to know, it's all right there. That's NOT a general open invitation, haha. I don't talk about it, although maybe that would help. There's a particular look that comes across people's faces and I hate it. I also don't want the praise. I hate the memories of that particular time in my life, the illness and the physical issues. Not even someone talking to me about "taking off a few pounds for the holidays", or even when someone will suggest that I think about "losing a few" (which is rude in the first place, imo, but that's women for you...sorry girls) can get me to bring it up. I just smile, mouth only, and thank them for their concern.
And I know what my body would look like without it there. I remember that much, very well, and I miss it. I'm short but things are generally, or were, in the right amounts in the right places. I did more research in the past few weeks and have a new creme put together that I'm using. Wish me luck.
Okay. I'm done, I think. It's a journey in my life. One that's brought me trials, strengths, control to keep from flinging back into anorexia and bulimia (I'm extremely EXTREMELY happy to report that I have beaten that. I truly have, thank you modern therapy) joys and the struggle to accept myself about something that I have a great loathing for.
I did the rest on my own. I'll conquer this struggle as well. It just hurts a bit more.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no,no
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are
Who you are, who you are, who you are
Who you are, who you are, who you are
Who you are, who you are, who you are
Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah
The more I try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no
Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
But tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
There's nothing wrong with who you are
Yes, no's, egos, fake shows like whoa
Just go and leave me alone
Real talk, real life, good luck, good night
With a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no
No, no, no, no, no
Don't lose who you are all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are
Yeah, yeah, yeah
