I feel you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTKJ_itifQg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

golly

What a night.
Rough one for my miss Molly cat. I watch my critters, they always let me know when it's time for "that" trip to the vet...my girl told me during this night.
This will be rough.
I'll need someone to go with me, so that I'll have to hold it together until I'm where I don't have to hold it together. She's been a mom, almost. 20 years is a long time with my close companion. I don't remember her not with me.

And Dakota told us that he is heading back north this weekend, back home with his folks. The kids are very sad. He'll still be around for visits at times, but not here always. It's best, for him, and for that reason I'm glad. But I'll miss him. Very much. He's been a joy to have around. I've appreciated him for who he is.  So, tears, loud music, food and a forest of weed emanating from the room.

I knew yesterday morning that a change was imminent, in that situation.

Good news from older girl, bf still has a job. And always wonderful to sirens time with her.

Difficult question asked.

Open window night...and frog songs.

Now to focus on some sleep.

Age

Age. 

This is a picture of me that I took an hour or so ago, just ready to go ahead and soak in that tub. 

See those lines by my mouth? 

I remember when those appeared...4 yrs ago, almost overnight. And the rest, as well. Boom.

I don't feel them. 

But they're there. 

Age. 

Getting older may suck, especially for a woman where  looks are concerned...but it beats the alternative, I suppose. 

I don't think that any of us ever gets used to it, though. 

The days of character overtaking the days of...well, beauty was never a companion, but pretty happened every now and again. 

There's my womanly whatever for the night. 

...

But I'm distinctly uncomfortable with being less subtle...

Oh Lord.

And...about certain things I'm as dumb as a stick.

Why.

I mean, I took on the closet door. I took on the kids. I took on my boss. I took on my former spouse, no battles, just asking the questions that needed asked.

Can't I get a freebie here?

Well, i suppose it's either ask it...or not.

Better decide how I'll feel if the answer sucks.

Suddenly feeling far too tired for my bath.

Ugh.

Angel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1GmxMTwUgs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

A battle.

I shall be victorious.
I have a demon closet door from the blackest pit of all that oozes the most vile of cess and sputim.
No.
I'm serious.
I took the track off this morning in my next attempt to fix it.
Then I bought stock in bandaids.
Off to see my first born and perhaps stop by the vortex known as Home Depot.

Dammit.

I get so fucking tired of being frustrated by trying, and needing, to be able to DO it all.
Oh well.
Play those cards your dealt and knock another thing off the list of life.

http://www.margielawson.com/lawson-writers-academy-courses

February night

Snow day, gone.
On my bed, window open
Sounds of rain, falling
Running through gutters
Scent of clean air
Cold
Cars on the highway, sound traveling unlike winter sounds...
Candle
Smooth skin, bare
With soft blanket
Leg wrapped over
Around
Pillows beside me
Door closed, almost, cats have to be able to leave, but other kids here tonight.
Sink
Soft
Sweet
Voice
Sleep
Tomorrow I have to see the girls dad, and I hope...
But.tonight
Dreams

Gnite
Xoxox

a life span

Is there a life span for a blog?

I've begun wondering if it's time to close this one down.

I've been speaking to myself for so long, for so many years...I've heard all I have to say about so many things in all those so many years. 

I'm beginning to feel that I'm out of anything useful to share. 

And I think I've revealed all that I ever will to the "general public" such as this is, occupied and trolled by blogbots alone. 

I don't know. 

I don't want this to be a daily true-confessional. 

I want to talk about it to someone, with someone. I want advice. Guidance. 

and so. 

Stuff

Just stuff.
Much of life is stuff, be it good or bad or indifferent. Yesterday was a variety.

Work was good, slower so I was able to put the place to rights after the day before, which was, imo, 4 Wednesdays shoved into a Thursday.

Quick grocery trip to grab a couple things for a dinner for my very best girlfriend, who's got a tough thing to do today. We see each other all the time, but haven't had a moment to really talk and listen. Things in our lives aren't at places where that is acceptable, so.

Home to a disaster, threatened the young folk in the house who then, bless them, fixed it all. Cooked dinner, tossed out in the oven. I had some time left over and decided to be a girl.
:)

You know, despite the hormones, the emotions, the trouble with jeans, bad hair days, I really do like being a girl. I like all the fluff and pink, soft and silly, silky, pretty, sparkly things of being a girl.

It's a good thing.

And I'm not a stalker. I'm simply observant at awkward times.

Anyway, it was a good night, dinner, ridiculous drinks, movies, much talking and hearing.
I think she's ready for today.

Nothing like a full night of sleep, an early morning, a good workout, a banana with peanut butter and strong, strong hot coffee to chirk a girl back up. Well, more would be nice also, but this works. 

I'm a blessed person. 

I'm a happy person. 

I'm strong and I know that, and I also know that I'm not always strong. It's the small that hides itself.

I've got big stuff on the block, and I'm scared but that's okay. I not only CAN do this, I WILL do this. And I know that. 

I'm a grateful person. 

I have amazing people in my life.

And another day to fill and live. 

Feeling a bit out of sorts tonight. Very hard day at work, which I don't mind, but it wore me down. I'm hungry a bit but too tired to eat. I'm tired and I'll sleep. I have many thoughts running in my head which will have to run or rest.

Daughter was in a small accident, she's fine.

Except for a little weed trimming, and a damn closet door and a few other tall things, the house is ready.

Reading a book which is humorously fascinating and horrifying at the same time. I feel icky until I remember that I am NOT these people. And that the awareness of the reality of this experience is in large part what kept me from ever going there.

And other things. I hope all is well.

And so, tonight again, I'll wrap my body up in a blanket, rest my head on my pillow, send good thoughts out into the world in a direction or two, and call it good.

Even if it isn't. I have to call it such.

Friends

At a wedding.

There's significance here, but I need to go to bed now. So posting, to write later.