Ok. Being very honest here...
The stress of getting the house done and moving, handling it all myself, trying very hard to not mess everything up, having gotten used to the idea of it as now and moving forward then having it halt and be back at square one, work worries, worries about daughters, the former,concern for a someone and a sincere wish I could set up a table top care center for him, some stuff...well, tonight it's hit me hard. My head is spinning again and I'm dizzy. Ok. I'm flatout scared.
Please, universe. Don't let me f it all up.
Please.

well

Nutshell.
Work was crazy.
Sale fell through, actual note written in agents box says it's due to buyers being crazy.
Darn.
It's ok, I saw pretty clearly what I need to do to get us out of here, now I have a bit more time.
Liquidated some assets for that purpose.
Kid is headed off to warp tour tomorrow.
Other kid ended a job today, starts next one in a wk.
Had to contact former spouse.
Got dizzy. Feeling better now.
Miss someone.

The one that works

This song, it's a motivator for me. I'm not a fighter against anyone except myself, against anything except my own discouragement, my hesitation at the moment of movement.
Walk into it.
Grab firmly, no tenativity.
Make it be.

Lose Yourself by Eminem | Eminem: http://youtu.be/xFYQQPAOz7Y

Depeche Mode - John the Revelator (Music Video) (…: http://youtu.be/752Gev1guKw

Summer begins in 2 hours.

There's a house showing.

There's been a sadness.

There is a potential misunderstanding.

There is the dilemma of fix it or not.

True

A lesson learned long ago.

Wow

Will Someone Ever Look At Me That Way? - Audra Mc…: http://youtu.be/wKT2EzcEKvY

onward ever

Fears, worries. Lord, they've wreaked havoc in me the past few days, confusing me to the point of not knowing what was right in front of me. I don't like myself when this happens. I feel like the proverbial train wreck. But it's possible to grab hold of a runaway engine, I've learned that, find the places where you can turn the track, just a little, make the momentum slow. Yesterday was about many of those tiny turns, and holding a dear friend's hand in her
difficult time.
Younger daughter is going to be fine.
Plans in place.
Confronting conversations had.
The house lists this week.
One step after another.
My composure broke, which I don't like. But even though it doesn't happen often, I suppose it's best to have it seen and either accepted or not.  Very grateful for that person, was a rock for me when I needed one. That means a lot.
Life goes on.

Ear worm

Divine Fits - Would That Not Be Nice: http://youtu.be/8NqbhygoDSA

update

Got a wild hair a couple nights ago, did all the painting.

This morning, figured out the closet doors, this afternoon bought the stuff. Tonight, the rest of the hardware will come out, holes patched, then paint and done.

I'll list next week.

This is a major deal. I've always planned this. It will sever all ties, except the girls, with my former spouse. I haven't held on to the house because of any reason other than blank necessity. I'm beyond done with this. I'm grateful, but I'm done.

God, I feel freedom from his influence already.

Because behind all of his pretty talk, he continues to be bitterly angry at me for the same unknown reasons that I never understood before and has just shown me that he is still willing and able to thrust his blade of cold cruelty into my sense of calm and accomplishment, for no reason other than to make certain that I know, and never forget, just how fallible I am.

Attempting to control me and manipulate me through pain and fear into conforming to the idea that he feels I should be, has always felt that I should be, that I have never been.

Incredible...to walk away from that, leave it behind me, leave the ghosts of his anger at me for all that I am. Everything that I was that always he knew about but hated...my music, my humor, my dreams, my hopes, my reading, my fears, my strength. I know that sounds immodest, but it isn't. I'm not saying that those things of mine are awesome, just that what they are they are, and how they are he seemed repulsed by. You'd think I was the one who left, except that my forgiveness and acceptance of his stuff has always, ALWAYS, angered him. But to be free from that, in all ways and not just in myself, but really. REALLY.

School. I could go to school part-time, work part-time, an idea from a someone, who matters. I could  plan for a future of working without physically crippling myself. Pay off the credit card, financial planning, help older daughter with school, pack money into a retirement account...who knows.

So much is already packed.

Garage sale, more furniture to sell...

It'll probably be an apartment for awhile, maybe not. I'd love a yard still...a garden again.
Anyway. All in it's time.

The point is, it's been a major hurdle, a pinnacle to achieve. And it's happening.

What the future holds, who knows. I'm only looking at now.

And being thankful.

Arctic Monkeys - Knee Socks BBC Radio 1 [Live fro…: http://youtu.be/lVBjs4xf3W4

Yes

ergh

So, tomorrow it's been a week since the incident at work. And it's been a rough week. As I'm slowly coming out of the fog around that day I'm realizing how deeply it affected me. Damn it. I have a total understanding now of the term "dick in the dirt", in a way that I hadn't before. Just this evening, as I decided to spend a little time taking care of myself,  did that became clear to me. I can't say that I've always looked forward to going to work but I've rarely dreaded it. That's changed, and it's a struggle. I keep thinking that each day will get easier as more time passes, but so far that just isn't the case. Then again, it's been a very long 2 wks, working double shifts and extra days with only 2 days of and those a week apart. But after my morning shift tomorrow I have 3.5 days off. I can barely wait.

And, conditions in the neighborhood are getting worse.  Tonight a couple of kids were beginning to hit the fence with their skateboards and I had to confront them.

I've been stuck in the thought that I need a different job before I list the house. No. I had to pad on a good job because the start date was immediate. So, I need to list and sell, relocateand then find the job. Because bottom line, I have to get us out of here and I'm tired of saying that and not accomplishing it. There's a beast of a wall to paint, and that's it. It's ready to go, much is already packed.

So.

Yeah.

I do feel a little better understanding how much that incident impacted me.

Now I just need to be brave and take care of it.

A week. Fear. with one very small, but significant, change in a word.

*below, I used the word "start" in reference to movement. That was incorrect. I was half asleep, exhausted, drained...the word I wanted, and meant, is "keep".

I've had a heck of a week. Been working extra shifts covering for people to have this coming memorial day wkend off, had a very upsetting event happen there that set off a ptsd struggle in me, betrayal by a good, good friend, topped with missing a someone who's out of town and then an unexpected moment when I thought I was being dumped. And there, after all that, I'm struggling. 

Many tears, fears, aches, pain. Dramatic, but unintentionally so.

I've been doing much reading the past few days, to get myself back online.

I like for all the answers to be in front of me. It never happens. I know the path is
found in the journey. Life has always shown me the way, along the way. What makes now different?

Well, I know that. And I am not ready to go into that.

But what I am saying is that while I don't know what is ahead, I know that I need to keep walking.

And I found this, this evening, that sums up every single thing I've known and been remembering.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/11/17/10-harsh-realities-that-help-you-grow/

So.
Ok.
Wish me good things. Please.
I'm scared.