I feel so tired lately. This September malaise, I'm calling it now. I accomplish alot during the days, even though my perception is that I don't. When I make a list at the end of the day of what I did get done, it's huge. And it makes sense of why I'm worn out. But I still feel like I'm just spinning my wheels and I don't get that.
Well, maybe I do.
There is a huge amount of "stuff" that needs done, all the time. There was always a massive amount that needed done when there was more than just myself in charge, and even though I did most of the home and family stuff on my own, it helped to have that extra body to rest on when I needed to. That's one of the hardest things that I've had to come to terms with, what gets done and what doesn't. Because I simply cannot do it all, no matter how hard I try.
It seems that I am in a constant state of wave management, keeping my nose just above the wave as much as possible, and accepting that I'm going to swamped from time to time. Things happen. This mess from a couple of weeks ago, for example. It bothers me that I am still unsettled by the encounter. Anyway.
Right now I am sitting in my room, on my unmade bed, surrounded by electronic things charging, beeping, burping and burbling along. My room is unfinished still, I had a paint situation and I don't know how to proceed. Well, I didn't. Just spent some time researching ideas and have a plan of attack in mind. Did banking, sent emails, worked on my resume, and fixed the phone that I thought was fixed. Now I have a few minutes to get to the DIY store and grab what I need, then off to work.
But, I made this list...because things have piled so high, so fast in the past week that I am fuzzy headed on what it all is. First thing on the list, MAKE LIST. :)
I'm glad that I did. It's a loooooooong list. And I feel a little sick looking at it. I know that I'll do with it what I always do, just put my head down and dig in, work as hard as I can and get all that I can get done.
Why do I feel like I'm spinning my wheels? It's all work, mechanics, things that need done. I am finding that I need a space of time often to do something peaceful for myself. Walk, take pictures, write, make jewelry, paint. Anything. And I haven't, except for the climb, in this month. It's worn me down. It's not just a frivolous thing. It's necessary for me to feel that I am accomplishing anything at all.
I told a friend the other day that things such as this are "mental health breaks". And it's true. I used to refer to those when I'd go work in the garden or the barns. There was something deeply satisfying there and I felt recharged and renewed. Those aren't things in my life anymore, and that's alright. I have things that I do instead. It doesn't satisfy as deeply...yet. But close.
And then there is that space of sadness that is always there. I'd better just make friends with it now. It's hard to accept it as it is, but I think that's what has to happen. Even though I'd prefer it gone, I can show it a good time. Take it places, show it the sights, let it experience life along with me. It's already there, after all. Might as well.
I really do believe that life is a wonderful thing. Even with all the wreckage.
Ready to hit that list again. Blessings on your day ~
Applies in my head, because of the msg that it always give me. So this song is posted for me, alone. Hope it works, not sure all the links are happening.
Incubus
"Drive"
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