What is never seen

What we never see about a person is where the truth of them lies.

Or is it?

It depends on who is doing the seeing and which set of eyes they use.

I believe in the good things of life. I believe that in every awful situation there is goodness. I believe that while we feel and experience great pain at times, there is a purpose served that is greater if we are willing to let it be.

I recently had somebody, not any one close to me at all, tell me that I was an idealistic infant. I knew that they were having a bad day, and having served them their coffee I had offered a sentiment of a better day happening. I didn't intend for it to be trite and it wasn't offered that way. I wasn't offended by their comment...it isn't often that I am referred to as an infant anymore, but I did have the concern that this person felt I was just tossing their troubles, which they had shared with me unbidden, off with merely a statement of closing.

I know that some see my statements of the perfectly imperfect with a cynical eye. They will believe that I don't understand how dark and terrible life can be. They don't know that I know those facts all too well. But my heart refuses to believe that there isn't light that is stronger than the shadows. I believe in hope, in it's power and in all the good that it can do. Hope changes hell into something that can be more than just endured or tolerated. I won't say heaven, but joy needs hope in order to begin it's life.

I know how hard it can be. I know that it's safe to hold the pain because it's real, it's here...it's known. To believe that there can be life without deep pain ruling the days, when that is what you have...that's not so easy.

They don't know the ledges that I've leaned over. The thoughts that I've entertained. They won't see the depths that pain has taken me to, the claw marks I've made up the walls out of the pits of blackness that I didn't always fall into...sometimes I walked in. They can't see how dark the corners of my soul can be, or what demons I've met and walked with.

But they should believe it. Because everyone goes there, in their own level, their own way. I'm not unique in my experiences. Maybe they are different from another's situations, but in essence they are the same. We all walk the path of darkness. We've all felt the light. We all struggle to find the balance between the 2, finding the place where we are truly ourselves, where we really exist. Perhaps we aren't all aware of it, but it's there. 

I do believe in goodness. In love. My shattered and obliterated heart stubbornly knows that what has happened to it isn't what is real. It's the sadness of another that has dealt those hands of hurt. I know that someday, somewhere, there will be one who will see what worth there is in me, just as I see it in them.

I accept beauty in all of it's forms. I accept that life is messy and that people are imperfect. I understand that it is not my place to judge another and so I don't. I work hard to forgive and to process pain through me instead of masking it in anger.

I know that may appear like an out-of-touch PollyAnna...but I say to you that PollyAnna knew pain. She knew abandonment. She knew sorrow. Anger. Loss. What she didn't know was hopelessness. She did feel it, but the truth of hope in her heart won the day. We all get there, to hopelessness. And we all choose whether or not to believe in hope, again.

Many years ago I determined that, for me, for as long as I live, I will choose to believe in hope.

I know heartache. Pain. Abandonment. Despair. Destruction. I have stood inside the abyss of utter desolation, alone, and faced with the choice of moving deeper within it's seductive pull or turning my back on it. Not once, but many times.

I believe that most do.

I have parts of my memory that are lost to me. Gone. I've tried different techniques to unlock the doors and bring them back. But something deeper in me keeps them locked. I know that during the times those blocks occur are times when what I do remember about life isn't good. So, I've now accepted the loss of memory as a gift. It isn't necessary for me to know, at least not now. I only mention this because I am told, often, that it's obvious that I don't know sorrow. I do. It just simply doesn't matter that much, it isn't my ruling guide.

Everything in life is balanced. There will always be good with the bad, light with the dark, love with the pain, joy with the heartache. It is the nature of living. I don't expect it to be different. I am willing to accept the one in order to experience and appreciate the other. I choose to focus on what I want to see in life. It doesn't mean that I'm unaware. It simply means...i'll say it again...that the other doesn't matter. All that does matter, all that I will give strength to, is the good. The bad sides, they exist. I may visit them, but I choose to not feed them.

This weekend I have been dealing with some of the greatest pain of the past several years. The fact is that it is here. It is terrible. It's working it's way through me, it's taken me down a few times. I can't share it, it's mine alone to manage. But the other fact is that it will leave as I refuse to hold it. I accept that it is not something that I want, I want it to leave. And so, it will.

We're all pocket philosophers...not sure where that came from just now, and I know it's out of place here, but it wants to be here somewhere. I'll just leave it for the moment. 

There is a deeper and greater goodness that is happening in my life. It's come to me as a surprise and no matter what happens, I will protect and cherish it...it is precious, and beautiful. So, if this pain is what has to be felt now, experienced, walked through, to enjoy more the other, then I will do it. And so I am. If this good thing chooses not to stay...well, as with everything, I wouldn't force it to stay. But I wouldn't trade a moment of what has already been for anything else.

So.

See what is here, or see it not. That choice is yours. It's mine, where you are concerned. I choose to believe that you are all things. You will show me what is you and what is not.

Should you choose to not see all that I may be, it still won't affect how I see you. Just be who you are, what is real.

I look for the truth of you and I believe that I will find it.

For a song...help me, please. I can't think of one. I can think of many, but that won't work, so it'll take somebody else's idea.