Without going into great detail, which isn't important for this, I was in a situation that went from good natured joking to very serious, very quickly. There has been some very intense energy flowing about in the world lately, people are on edge, almost in a manic state, and then suddenly exhausted. This was someone very close to me in a manic, happy state, who quite suddenly reacted very violently to an offhand observation of no particular meaning. It startled them as well, I could see it in their eyes. That's good. When something like that happens, awareness, even in a shocked state, is necessary in order for a learning situation to come from it.
What brings me here is my reaction.
I'm afraid. And that makes me angry.
When the situation happened, I felt the immediate energy shift and recognized the intensity. My visible reaction was all systems on alert, and fight. I stood firm and made direct eye contact. Not always the best move, but it's my instinct in the instant. I saw the look of surprise and shock at their feelings and the situation quickly diffused...on their part. I sent them away from me instantly, then after a few moments realized that was too much like running and i needed to confront, name, resolve if I had any hope of not being stuck there. And so i did.
Maybe i need to back up.
What happened in me was a classic ptsd reaction. It can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. It goes beyond fear. It throws the person into a time warp. You're aware, somehow, that you aren't where you suddenly find yourself feeling that you are, but all of your thoughts kick into a survival mode and your feelings are as intense and as involved in a past event as if it were truly happening right there at that moment. It takes so much, more than I can explain, to get to a point of stopping the physical reaction of protection...at least, the outward, the visible, reaction.
Inwardly, it happens.
Let me say here, before I go any further, that I have made peace with my past. I have released my anger toward others, truly. It took years and it took many painful journeys in to places in me that I didn't want to go. There are still places sealed tightly that have defied efforts to open them, I think I've mentioned those in here before. They are still locked tight. I occasionally have ptsd type reactions to smells, touch or sounds that I cannot place at all. Therapists and I have concluded that those triggers must lie inside the locked places. I've given up going into them. I no longer want to. They don't disrupt my life, they don't hinder me at all. I accept that there are things that trigger emotions and I let them be.
Because I can remember much of what is before certain blackout spots, and I can remember what occurred after...those were hard enough to accept and process. I don't believe that it's necessary to go after the rest.
So as you may surmise from those statements, there was a period of time in my life when some abusive situations happened. It covered all aspects of the labels used in categorizing these things... I don't talk of it. I've confided, on a surface level, with one very good friend and with the few therapists, psychiatrists actually, who I've worked with to move out and beyond it all. It is what it is in my history. I can't undo it, but I won't be a slave to it. And I'm not, for the most part. My anxiety and depression are minimal. I don't dream of it anymore either, and my dreams became color again many years ago.
But tonight, for the first time in a long time, I had a moderate+ ptsd reaction.
That's why I'm here, writing this down. It surprised me. I had my guard down, since it hasn't happened for so long. In fact, i'd say that my conscious mind had forgotten about it.
But that subconscious didn't.
It left me shaking, inside and out, and fighting the desire to run...and then fighting the anger at feeling afraid. Nothing makes me angrier than the feeling of helpless fear. To be honest, I hadn't even identified that as clearly as I just did until this moment.
I'm not a very big person physically to start with. But I suddenly felt very small.
Very young.
Very Vulnerable.
Very, very alone.
and very scared.
The event doesn't have to happen in that moment...it IS happening, inside the person. The memories of faces, voices, touch are all there. The feelings of fear, helplessness, darkness, pain...they are all there. You can smell it as if it were all happening right now. You expect the bruises to show, you feel them being made. Feelings of violation are as real as the acts were at the time. You separate yourself, if you can, in your mind, from your body...to try and have it happen to the shell you inhabit, not to what makes you YOU.
And it all happens in a heartbeat.
If you've ever seen the Matrix movies, in times of need they focus on what is needed and the perception of time is altered to slow it down. That really does happen, if you've been in an accident or a high stress situation...your mind focuses on the details and what happens in a moment feels as if it goes on so very much longer.
So in the brief moment of the change of energy, everything occurred to me. All that i mentioned above. And I swung myself around, figuratively, and was ready to fight to protect the helpless self of me.
That's not unusual for my reaction.
What's difficult about tonight, beside the fact that it hasn't happened for quite awhile, is that I am alone to process the aftermath.
My mum always said that in the crises I was the one person in the world she'd want to have on her team because nothing phases me then. I break it down in my head,very "matrix" movie like and handle the details easily and without panic.
Afterward, I fall apart. That's when it all catches up with me.I know this about myself and I've learned coping mechanisms that are healthy and move me through the process quickly.
But this is a bit different.
When I was married, my husband knew that sometimes these things would happen and that what I needed was just to be held, or just be close to him afterward. He never asked for specifics so I never told him. 24+ years, he never ventured a question. I guess that looking at that now, it strikes me as a little odd. But then, I'm an intensely curious person, I want to know as much as I can about pretty much everything and everyone.
So, anyway, an event would trigger and I'd process it, just being physically close to someone who could provide the shield against my vulnerability while I stabilized myself again.
I don't have that now.
The emotions have dissipated to a large extent, and what is left I know will go. I've taken ibuprofen against the headache that always sets in, took an extra vitamin, made my tea right away...etc etc etc. But I can't stop shaking. I feel cold all through. I've put on many layers of everything and the shaking is slightly diminished. I feel a bit nauseous...it's very much a shock reaction.
I miss having someone to lean on a little. Just to let me know that it's going to be fine. Someone other than the voice in my head that is also warning myself not to listen to it.
So.
There's an evening.
It's now 2:15 AM. I'm still shaking, I will for awhile...but the deep sleepiness is kicking in. I have my kitties here, they are one on each side of me, purring.
Thanks for "listening". I know that to many people, it won't make much sense.
But that's ok.
Anna Nalick
Breathe
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