Work Bitch

Britney does it again. Solid dance song, my current replay. 

you wanna....

work, bitch.

Shadows and light

Shadows. Such interesting things. The disruption of light and distortion of reality.
There are lessons there. Different ones for everyone.

Face the light. See what's real. The shadows are neither here nor even true representations of what was.

Those flowers...beautiful roses.
Deep, vivid red.
My middle name, although few know that.

And all I can hope is that my butt isn't that big.
;)

Shadows, cold. Flat. No ability to appreciate scent. No color.

The sun. Warmth. Depth and texture. Brings scent to a fuller level, explores and enhances color.

Negative thinking, negative focusing, blocks the light. It shadows what is there.

I do know that at times our eyes simply cannot tolerate the light...we have to choose the process of becoming accustomed to it.

Take my hand. I'll watch your steps while you learn to live in the light. I want nothing more than for you to feel the warmth of life's sunshine on your face, through your spirit, in your heart.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Just came on the radio at work...
It always hits me someplace very deep, this song. I feel it, literally, in my core, always have. I've never known why, and I've never shared that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4rFEAVyOZk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Wednesday.

Autumn

Labyrinth, Emilie Sande

Beneath Your Beautiful ~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqIxCtEveG8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

But mostly...

dancing...a few notes at the top. and a bakery clarification.

* a note...and an interesting one, for my own self...
Even while enjoying the pounding beat, the climb and the drops, a part of me wished that I had just blasted the stereo at home. I really wasn't in the mood for a big crowd. Because, it was just all about the dancing.

Went dancing last night. It's been quite awhile since I've really, truly gone dancing. When the music is loud, I put on the reflective shades. wear whatever the hell I want, and dance. 
It was great. 
I wanted to get outside my head and forget about what's been worrying me, even just for a bit. I wanted to move. I wanted to ignore people. And I wanted to know that I was still okay. 

The original plan was to go to a great spot in Tacoma and hear a cover band that has a good rep and following. But the sweet friend who was going to be there, and who had invited me, got called suddenly to take care of a mutual friend who's world began to crumble. I just couldn't quite bear the thought of sitting at home, so quick juggle of plans and the wave was surfed successfully. We would hit the club we like in Seattle...a "gay" club, although most folks there are quite straight. Especially on a Friday, it turns out. Not that it matters at all. Gay men dance great and have no interest in anything else from me. Super safe.

My usual MO is to never make eye contact. In a club, if you do, you invite interaction and it isn't always easy to end interaction after a song is over. It's easy with the sunglasses on. Tonight, I danced until I forgot. I moved. I ignored, but the club was full of grabbers...fortunately, they were easily rubbed off onto someone else.

I don't usually mind dancing with someone, as long as they take No for an answer when I'm done. It's really nice when it's just the old kind of "hey, let's just move and groove here beside each other". But, like I said, most tonight were the grabbers. Also, most were middle eastern. Just something that I've noticed, they treat American women as something to use, to dominate. BUT, tonight they were also easy to get rid of. 

Because I didn't want to dance with any of them. I did, in the usual perverse ways of a woman, want to know that they wanted to. So that was okay. But, no thanks...and go away. Which they did. And when it got to that witching hour, when it all starts getting weird, I left. 

And I've fallen asleep a few times while putting this up here. I'm really glad that my shift at the bakery got canceled at close of shift last night, otherwise I'd be getting up now to go in. I'm bummed that we're back to that messing around again, with the schedule, just at the time that it's supposed to be adding hours, but there it is. Nothing to do but do what you can to make changes happen. And so I am, as best I can. 

Last Saturday at the farm...hopefully not too crazy. Just crazy enough.

and in the light of day

The draft and delete list in this blog is immense.

This place gets my emotional dumps, the things that I will not put on any real person. If I can't keep it in and find the avenues for it to process that way, if physical working doesn't help, if singing doesn't help, if running like a fire and tramping through the woods doesn't help, it comes here.

I learned a long time ago the difference between being silent and seething and knowing myself. I do not seethe silently. I don't hold things in and explode later. If it matters enough, i will bring it up. If I recognize that it isn't just my emotional woman/dreamer/doer self being over tired, confused, etc, I will bring it up. Calmly. I will not fight. To fight is to attack, advance, to conquer. I used to be told that to be flexible was a bad thing, that it meant that I had no true stand of my own. I struggled with that for awhile, wondering if it was true.
It isn't.
I understand that there are times, and issues, that I will not back down on. They aren't personal attacks at all. Abuse. It's wrong. Slavery. Wrong. Killing without extreme provocation. Wrong. And it goes on and on. My intent is not to spout a Teri's 10 Commandments. Everyone has their own pile of non-negotiables.
But what I also learned is that I do not consider myself the vat of information. I'm a sponge. Eager to hear, to learn, to examine sides of things that maybe i haven't seen. I'm not afraid to do that. Maybe my mind will blow over a concept or vision I hadn't anticipated. Maybe I'll look at it and think...mmmm...nope. My mind is my own. My heart, emotions, get all worked up and into a flame, but my mind has a strong rudder on it through that storm. I get quiet and it worries people, I should be reacting more quickly. I'm thinking. That information is sifting through the coin sorter in my head, through the filters and into a base of "what this is really about and how I want to approach it", and it happens fairly quickly. Still enough of a stall for others to think I'm angry, or whatever.
I'm not.
I rarely get angry, truly angry. Serious, in a heartbeat.

So. Yes, last night was tough. A hug from kid and a cat curled with me in a blanket, tears off to sleep, knowing that morning brings rest of a  sort, and more clarity. I know that I will heal from things, and that is always the first step in anything. Ouch, this hurts. Yep. You've been here before, kid. You know the drill. Feel the ouch, see the ouch, examine from all angles...if it hurts too much to move it, sleep. There's no hurry. What is meant to be in your life, will stay in your life.
What wants to leave, you must let it.
So, in the light of day...
I'm okay.
With whatever comes.
Thank you, blog.

strangeness

a little time it took

to look forward to hearing the phone

surprised by this

and now it's stopped.

I don't pray these days, yet I almost do

that it isn't going to be like it has always been.

A sadness. A missing. 

such a silly woman.

why. 

when will i learn...

Family, with edits. Per the usual. :)

Family. It's huge. 

All I ever wanted in my life was to be in a family. When I was little I couldn't understand the concept of family simply being the people in your life, and I couldn't understand it being just my mum and I. That wasn't family, to me. Thanksgiving and Christmas were my brothers and their significant others coming over (my sister still lived at home). Piles and piles of people everywhere. Part of me just wanted to go sit somewhere quietly and watch, but the other part of me wanted to hug and hold everyone...again the battle of is she/isn't she, introvert/extrovert. Anyway. Of course, as I grew older, my brothers moved away, my sister married when I was 5, we moved back to Ohio, then to California...weird. This is very strange...I'd never noticed this before. I remember some Christmases during those years, but no Thanksgiving Days. Or Easter. 

Weird. 

Anyway, family. 

Yes, I have extended family. That live in other states. And yes, i have friends who all insist that we are family. But, really, I guess when it comes down to it, it's us. The two who, no matter what, will always be a part of me, as I am a part of them. They may get angry, move away, etc., but they are with me. That will never change. 

They got into a fight in August, my girls. They stopped talking. Broke my heart. Both had valid reasons for their opinion, and both went about it terribly wrong. Neither seemed to be able to apologize, or bridge the gap that just gets wider and wider and wider as time goes on. I did what I could to keep it from widening too much, but there it was. I couldn't help but look ahead at the holidays coming up, my birthday as well, and wonder what that was going to look like. I had no idea. 

They are hanging out on Sunday, in Seattle. Together. Just them. I'm so so glad. I wasn't sure it was going to happen, but being very careful seems to have done some good. I'm still holding my breathe a bit, but am very very glad. 

Things have also not been good with them and their dad. Everything went to hell in the summer. So I took that on tonight. It couldn't keep going the way that it was, with the negativity and the awkwardness. He communicates very differently than I do and it is often very tough to do these things without it becoming even more uncomfortable along the way. This time...it didn't. I think things will be better now. I'm so relieved.

It'll get gnarly again, a little, he really wants for younger and new wife to hang out. I'm supportive, of course. I just want for it to go well when it happens. We agreed that we are still a team in the whole parenting thing. It'll be interesting for me to welcome this new person into the mix of our parenting team. And if there is ever someone from my side who wants to be a part of the picture, then we'll all be in it together, after a fashion.

Family. It sure is a different thing than I had ever imagined when I was younger. But it's all good.

and yet again

I sincerely hope that I do not come across as melancholy. 

I'm not.

Truly. A sometimes sad romantic, a bleeding ball of hope and the wearer of beautiful pink glasses. If life is what we see it as, then I see it as lovely.

With the pain that comes, the joy can be as equal, if we let it. I'm uncertain about so many things in my life right now, but I'm thrilled to be standing in the places that I am. The uncertainty comes from the willingness to move ahead into the spaces that are mine. It's been a long winter in my life, it's been a long opening of the shell again. It's been an exciting time of drying wings and setting feet, focusing on what life looks like, getting to know myself on a deep level.

I admit that I believe in all things good. I admit that I know that not all things are good. I walk that line of awareness and selective blindness. I believe in music as a source in the soul. I believe in art as a means of reflecting what our spirits feel. I believe in capturing images of time and moment that touch us, that mean something. I believe in taking stands. I believe in bending. I know that I believe in love, in all forms. I believe in trust, though I know how that may sound. 

I believe in things that I know are truth, even though there is no practical explanation. 

I believe in taking chances.

I believe in no regret. 

Sorrow, it is a companion. I don't think that there is a soul that thinks or feels deeply outside of themselves that is not walking with sorrow. Yet I also believe that there is beauty inside that sorrow.

I believe in dreams, whether they come true or not.

I believe in hard work. In doing good. In caring.

So, at times, I may sound very melancholy. Drama filled. Secret driven. 

I'm not. 

I'm simply human, of the woman variety. 

I choose to trust. I choose to try. I choose to love, to live, to work hard, to give.

That's me. 

Happy Thursday, all of you that I care so deeply for, whether you know it or not. It comes free. It's complete. And very, very real. 

xoxo

(ps: on that note, i pulled on my size 4 jeans this morning without unzipping or unbuttoning. Must remember to eat now. 2 is as low as I should let myself get, i believe in that as well. There's the woman thing.) 

Head and the heart. Winter song.

Listening to winter songs while looking for foggy songs. I'd forgotten about this one.
Looking forward to seeing them in December.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_vOOz_ncqQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The wind always speaks

depeche mode. I Feel You.

I love to dance with this song. Feel the sound, moving slow, low, long. Take your time, there's no hurry. Just let it show you where to be inside of it. 

And now, homework done for later today...

goodnight.

Tonight...edits already

It's a good evening to walk.

It's been a good day.

Again, I realize that I hold myself in tightly. It slips out, here and there, in a greater display than I intend.

A poker player who's face is beginning to show.

Unsettling.

Unusual.

Always the balance...

Play the card and reveal the hand, the hand that I'm not certain of myself?

This is unlike any ground I've traveled before.

I wonder why I'm not more afraid...

Even if I was, I'm not certain I'd stop.

Like I always do.

But it's been a good day.

I need to walk.
In the cold.
The fog.
The night.

Patsy. Video included, not just link.

I love her voice. Her story breaks my heart.
I wish I could find a real, solid love song from her...there must be one. Right?
One of my favorites of hers: 

Walking After Midnight

Patsy Cline

Guitar man. Bread. and thoughts.

Guitar Man

Bread

When the guitar becomes an extension of the person

a piece of wood 

with strings

and words sung along

touches you in places that you hide from the world ~

but not from the song....

The song isn't completely appropriate, by any means.

But it's been playing alot lately. 

Depeche Mode

Many of the songs that I choose to listen to have nothing to do with what I feel or where I am. It's the energy I'm after. 
I'm also a huge Depeche Mode fan. I figure, if you really like 85% of what a band, or person, puts out, then you're a fan. 
Read nothing into this. Just let the music run through you and move. 

However. That said...
There are times when the posts will mean something. And I suppose I'm the only one who'll know that. So you just sit back and enjoy.

A great part of courage is the courage of having done the thing before.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
 

I like Emerson. I would have liked to have an afternoon with him, I think we would have gotten along quite well. 
As much as I like his writings, and as many of them as I have read, I haven't noticed this one before. I don't know why...it isn't as though I didn't understand it. I do. I understand it quite well. 
It's profound in many ways. 
Of course we all know that it takes courage to do something new, to pass through a doorway into a room unknown. What's in there, where's the lightswitch, are there even lights to turn on? Is there a way out, is there air to breathe...what are the risks? All unknown. Fear of the unknown is a great inhibitor of action. Yet, it's also easier to put aside, to focus straight ahead and move into and through.

The known, however...can have an even greater power of inhibition over our ability to act.

Being a parent. You do it once, you know what's coming up. It isn't easy. You do it the second time, the third, etc. Of course you go through that door, you'd never not do it. It's a tough gig, and you'd not trade it for anything. Most times. Some nights, a stiff drink would be a happy trade. Just kidding. Kinda.

Been thrown from a horse? Get back on. The same horse. The same saddle. Take the same ride. 

Surgery. 

Love...or rather, heartbreak.

You get the idea. 

We do what we have to do to bring around the result we need, or want badly enough, to have. That's what we do. Maturity teaches us to sacrifice peace of the moment for security, comfort, growth and wisdom of tomorrow. The first time we go back to the doctor for shots when we're little..the dentist, whatever. We learn that we'll live through the unpleasantness, and we learn ways to cope with that moment of difficulty. That's a skill we need our whole lives. It's a skill that serves us more completely than almost any other.

Way to be, Emerson. 
It's why I keep trying. 

Norah Jones - The Long Way Home

I'm very fortunate to be able to hear many bands, many singers. Kids come into the bakery with guitars and I trade a treat for a song. I never pass up the chance to listen to anyone, anywhere, if at all possible. Sometimes you have the wonderful opportunity to hear something special. It may not be special to anybody else, but music, art, writing...those are all personal experiences. What anything means to you at any particular time is yours alone, and nobody has the right to negate either your opinion or experience.

Soapbox ramble. 

Anyway, today I had one of those happen. A father/daughter duo, informally singing at the piano (a gorgeous instrument), this song. I wish I'd recorded it. I didn't think he would mind, but I wasn't sure if his lovely daughter would be okay with it...and I was a bit lost in the song. Their voices were so wonderful together, they became one voice. Even the piano seemed to sing and I couldn't help but follow with, low in my throat and very quietly, hand on the instrument, feeling the depth of the vibrations and it's soul. I'm fairly certain I was the only one having this experience and I'm good with that. It was one of those times. A privilege. 

I won't forget it. 

Norah Jones

The Long Way Home

And the piano...

really beautiful. No edits.

And then ~

Guitar. Books. Warm, wooden room. 
Not a total summation. But it's in there.

So. Good day.

T-Rex

Good Lord. I burned up the radio station's phone lines requesting this song in the late 70's. Finally my mum took me into Seattle to search for the album since I'd turned over the entire inventories of every other city shops.
Didn't even find it at Tower Records.
But Peaches, right next to NB I-5 at the 45th St exit in the U District...they had one used copy of it. 
Heaven's lights shone down around me at that moment. 
;)

It was a good day. 

a goal. a journey. a triumph...a struggle.

Watching the birds flow and fly out my window...It's a cool, cool evening, but the pond is alive. The other night on my walk I passed a little lump in the street that didn't look quite right for a rock. It wasn't. Poor cold bullfrog. I couldn't even bump him along, so I picked him/her...it...up and took it to the grass pond side. I miss the frogs and bullfrogs, the ducks, the geese. But they'll be back. By April, they'll be back. I just need to get through autumn...

So.

I'm not sure if I've had this in here before. At any rate, it's been awhile and it's changed.

I never really know how to bring it up.

I'm almost 49 yrs old. I feel like it shows, and I'm okay with that. Really, I am. I run, walk miles, lift weights, box the bag(not well, but properly), honestly have really good abs thanks to modified pilates lifts and hundreds of crunch routines twice a day, believe it or not. If you've seen me, you may not believe that. That's okay.
Like most people my age, I certainly haven't come through those years unscathed, physically. My arms have burn scars. My legs are marked. My face is lined. I have 2 daughters and I have stretch marks. But more, and there doesn't seem to be a thing that I can do about it. It's also something that I'm not okay with but have to find a way to be.

About a decade ago I became very sick. We didn't know what was going on. Cancer was ruled out, many tests were run on many systems. It was determined to be an auto-immune situation, but we were looking at MS or Lupus in particular. 
The good news was no MS. No Lupus. And no cancer.
Still, I could hardly walk. I could barely move freely. My metabolism was a mess. I was eating nothing and gaining weight, largely due to not being able to move, I imagine. Especially since I've always always been extremely active and have a low metabolism likely due to severe crash diets when I was young. 

We've all seen the magazine covers of people who've lost weight. It's awesome! They've done great, and I'm so proud of these people that I don't know.
I hope this comes out right...this is why I don't bring it up...
It's a great accomplishment to lose 25-30 lbs. Or 50. Even 80. 
There are some who've lost 100, and can you even imagine? That's 2 grain bags of weight.
Think about 3 of those. Or carrying 4 of them around, on top of your own regular weight.
Load them on a pallet, one of the solid ones made with real 2x4's. 

So. 

Skin does crazy things. It stretches.

It doesn't always shrink back completely. It comes damn close, but...maybe it does, over time. Maybe a long time. 

There are herbs and oils, vitamins that help. Tea Tree, or Melaluca, is very good. Mineral oil, not so much, it burns the skin and I believe the thought is that the irritation causes a reaction. Vitamin C is good, Green Tea cleanses are helpful. One note, all of these things help tremendously with Fibromyalgia, which is what it was finally determined that my auto-immune issue is. I do know that I've discussed that issue here. It's a condition that has a range of symptoms and severity. I have almost all of the pressure points, not just the common ones used in diagnosis, but also the more remote and rarely seen. Mine is in "remission" (my use of the term, I'm fairly certain that it doesn't actually apply), has been for a few years and spot flares are treated with all of the above, plus a severe control of sugar and  large addition of protein and caffeine. WebMD, eat that.
:)

Anyway. 

It's an issue for me. Being intimate with someone, can't hide it. Or the deflated boobs. I hate that also. And the fear of rejection. That's huge. I always hope that someone in my life will understand and see the victory in it all. 

But. 

There it is. I try very very hard to emphasize my strong points. I love being a woman. I take care of my body. I do have really good abs, and butt and legs and cut arms, but there is the skin that can hide those things. Feel me, however, and it's easy to know, it's all right there. That's NOT a general open invitation, haha. I don't talk about it, although maybe that would help. There's a particular look that comes across people's faces and I hate it. I also don't want the praise. I hate the memories of that particular time in my life, the illness and the physical issues. Not even someone talking to me about "taking off a few pounds for the holidays", or even when someone will suggest that I think about "losing a few" (which is rude in the first place, imo, but that's women for you...sorry girls) can get me to bring it up. I just smile, mouth only, and thank them for their concern. 
And I know what my body would look like without it there. I remember that much, very well, and I miss it. I'm short but things are generally, or were, in the right amounts in the right places. I did more research in the past few weeks and have a new creme put together that I'm using. Wish me luck.

Okay. I'm done, I think. It's a journey in my life. One that's brought me trials, strengths, control to keep from flinging back into anorexia and bulimia (I'm extremely EXTREMELY happy to report that I have beaten that. I truly have, thank you modern therapy) joys and the struggle to accept myself about something that I have a great loathing for.
 
I did the rest on my own. I'll conquer this struggle as well. It just hurts a bit more. 

I stare at my reflection in the mirror

Why am I doing this to myself?

Losing my mind on a tiny error

I nearly left the real me on the shelf

No, no, no, no, no,no

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

It's okay not to be okay

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing

Everybody's bruising

Just be true to who you are

Who you are, who you are, who you are

Who you are, who you are, who you are

Who you are, who you are, who you are

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?

I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah

The more I try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah

'Cause everything inside me screams

No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

It's okay not to be okay

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

But tears don't mean you're losing

Everybody's bruising

There's nothing wrong with who you are

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows like whoa

Just go and leave me alone

Real talk, real life, good luck, good night

With a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no

No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose who you are all in the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

It's okay not to be okay

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing

Everybody's bruising

Just be true to who you are

Yeah, yeah, yeah

A thought...edit with quote to complete.

I needed this, again. 

Right now.
I'm good at loving and accepting others, I've got that down fairly well these days...and it's easy for me to do. I see what they may call faults or weaknesses in themselves evidence of a life lived, experiences had, lessons learned or being learned, love shared, love given, taken, lost...simply being delightfully, wonderfully, beautifully human.

I am not, however, good at accepting the same in myself. I rake myself over rocks. My faults, as I perceive them. My weaknesses. It's not a self-confidence thing, which many may say that it is. It really, really isn't. I would say if it was, I have no reason to deny what a truth would be.

It's the deep concern that I may hurt someone by missing a cue, assuming...anything...or, in my case, refusing to assume, anything. I never know where the line is until I'm over it, in my typical awkward, broken, stumbling way. To have someone misunderstand my missed cue as a judgement, a displeasure...terrible. 

So, having this reminder, to accept myself and trust those in my life to know who I am and that I am just that, I appreciate it. That's what this gives to me.

Thank you to a friend for sharing this.

Howlin For You

Great music to bake by.  Well, the standards are awesome also. And Loreena McKennitt. And Bluegrass. ..
But this is what we had today.
And the customers don't mind if we sing and dance, as long as we're happy about it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFm56tWb61I&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Mental notes

Email list:

Dan re: data entry position. Details.  Renton. Not a dream job but my dreams aren't wrapped in that. Paycheck.

Scott/Kate/Alicia re: Daughter hanging with them for another smidge, soon as I can work the travel details. *note: travel companion sought.

Follow up resume with new references added.

Update LinkedIn profile. Again.

Send consult request to N Jones re: sale vs rental of this house given the season. Rental preferred at this point for timing but which is best for long-term. Will do property management, discuss again.

Return new msgs received re: CL items for sale.

Yes.
It's time.

Back to work.

Black Keys. Everlasting Light

Great song. I really like Black Keys. This one is pretty cool live.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qLH55p-GoA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Beautiful.

And true.

songs of a certain temper ~ just a few, by no means all.

Some songs seduce me...

Hear them

Feel them

the way I do

Move in them

~ with me ~

here's one

Secret

Maroon 5

...and another...

Not a new one here

but always a good one

Wicked Game

Chris Isaak

One more.

Blue Jeans

Lana Del Rey

long night writing. many things started during the day, needing their voice heard.

thinking of close people today. a friend who's cousin died in the night. a friend who's husband left but is returning home on monday. a friend scheduling surgery today.

someone very special taking an important test today.

off to work now. distracted a bit but that's okay. sending many good thoughts south at 1:30.

I know this won't make sense to anyone. I just need to say it. it makes sense to me.

Goldfrapp

Train.
It's been a short bit. I need to go dancing in the worst way.
Omg.
House, stairs in particular, is my club tonight.

That one doubt that will not rest. Many doubts, and well there should be at this point, that's just survival for me... most just lie there and are easily dealt with.
But this one...
Just have to dance it out.
(I don't dance like she does...just btw)

*EDIT*

it helped.

alot.

He ain't heavy. He's...and edits.

Yes. He's my brother.
My sister and niece are back in Ohio right now, visiting old spots and such. We were all born in Ohio, my siblings in Kent and Cleveland, myself in Akron.
I've written about us before but as a brief recap:
We have different dads, they and I. Will is the eldest (now 69), then Jim, John and my sister brings up the rear of their group. They each have the birth order characteristics, very distinctly, just to mention. People often expect me to have the "baby" personality, but from the age of 5 I was on my own in the sibling pool. Just a btw.
Will, the practical one, CPA. Married twice, first one over a decade and the 2nd 28 yrs and still going, 2 kids + 2 step, army, Vietnam. Colorado boy for most of his adult life.
John, the baby of the boys. Teacher, musician/songwriter, lawyer, pilot. Air Force, Vietnam. Married first for about 10 yrs, 2nd was for a wkend, been in a long term relationship for many years now, 2 sons (3, actually but I'm unclear on his feelings currently regarding the 3rd), ski bum Colorado boy as well.
Jim.
The 2nd son. Sensitive, cynical, honest, hard-working. Artist. His line drawings are amazing but the pastels and watercolors aren't bad either. At all. Army. Vietnam. Married to Marie, a strong lovely woman, for most of my life...probably about 47 yrs, his son made me an auntie at my ripe age of 3.
Jim is the one that I identify with the closest of my brothers. Jim is also the one that I do not have a relationship with. My father did a huge amount of damage to Jim. None of us made it out unscathed, but of their group Jim was the one most negatively impacted, at the same time in his life that Vietnam happened, which took parts of him...and he admittedly can't separate me from my father. My journey was very different and much longer obviously, the lessons learned are always interspersed throughout my writing.
So, I love him from here and count him as my family. Accepting that he can't have me in his life was an epiphanic moment for me. If this isn't a word, it needs to be. Because that's what it was. Maybe I'm spelling it incorrectly, I'll check later.
Anyway.
My sister posted a photo yesterday of her with Jim and Marie. So amazing. I haven't seen him or a picture since our mom's funeral in '98. We talked then and promised it wouldn't be another 25 yrs.
He had a major heart attack earlier this yr, but looks GREAT.
2 days ago I found my saved link to this page that he consented to work with.
He's an amazing fellow.

http://army.togetherweserved.com/army/servlet/tws.webapp.WebApp?cmd=ShadowBoxProfile&type=Person&ID=254366

Aha

Hormones.
K. I LIKE being a woman. I really, really do.  :)
But whoever put this hormone clause into things needs a swift shutdown and has some explaining to do.
Anything that has me crying at the owl cupcakes at work, dealing with a headache bad enough to make me want to pop my head open, and freaking out just needs to go away.
I'm relieved. It helps me deal with things more clearly.

Dave Brubeck

Couldn't keep that. Feeling far too exposed.
Here ya go. One of the best things ever.
You're welcome.
Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHdU5sHigYQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Kula Shaker

Hush ~

Off for an 11 hr day. Cold! And our ipod at work is awol, stocking up before I go.
Man, I'll be glad when October is over.
Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMAWMR2iCIw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

what are the things that frighten you the most?

Not the big stuff, like earthquakes, floods, fires...in reality, I find that most people are NOT frightened by the thought of those happening. They are completely out of our hands, and as much as we try to project ahead and into the situation, the truth is that we won't know how to handle things or what will need to be handled until we are actually there. Okay, now I can hear someone reading this and saying, "Oh, trust me. The thought of those concerns me greatly". True, some live in mortal terror of these things. That's why I wrote that MOST people are not frightened, to the point of obsession, about them. I stand by that thought.

So what are the things that frighten you the most?

What are you afraid of? Things that might happen, things you might do, things that won't happen...?

Some things are basically the same from person to person. Most are very specific to someone.

What are mine? In my life I've had a few. I worried that I would be homeless, until I was. I worried that I would lose a child and not know where they were...until it happened. I worried that I would lose my family, and then I did. Those were the things that mattered the most, that truly worried me the most. I've been poor, I've been hungry, I've been hurt, I've been terrified of losing my mind...and a few of those above events seriously had me wondering if I had...
What I learned through these things is that my mom was right. 
She always used to say, "whatever happens, it's ok".
Not happy, necessarily. These things are not fun things. They aren't welcomed things. They aren't peaceful things. 
But they are ok. I learned that keeping myself right in the moment of life that I'm in gives me what I need to know how to move my foot that one tiny step. And the next moment gives me that next step, that next knowing.
This is all simplified, but knowing how to be in a moment and move into the next is very, very OK. And we get to the places that are easier, more peaceful, where happiness is.

So. What frightens me now? 

Losing my girl to choices out of my control. I have all the self talk that I need to work through those feelings, but there they are. I'm a mom. My girls are a physical part of me and because of some ways that I am, they are more than that. I don't think I'm unusual, most parents are that way, tied to their children in a "cosmic" sense. Stuff happens, we know. Anyway, that's another post, another time. 

Nobody likes the thought of being homeless or broke or sick and not able to take care of ourselves, but those things aren't what I'm including here.

Not a fear, but I worry about being misunderstood.

A fear...admitting a fear.

From "We Bought A Zoo"...

“You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.” 

And  my favorite movie scene...or at least one of them and it's been on here a few times already:

Go make the day happen. Or let it happen and make the moment okay. 

You're not alone.

Tonight

Tonight, my girl came home. Tonight, a most darling, beloved friend shared most beautiful news. Tonight, that same daughter left the house for a drive with the boy that has always filled her heart. Tonight, I recognized and remembered a truth about my former spouse that fills me with relief in the identifying. Tonight, I know that I can sleep late tomorrow. Tonight... with the relief and happy emotions I feel from others literally coursing through me as streams of bright and brilliant energy, bringing a catch to my breath and an ache in my heart, I open an envelope from my precious niece...
Below is a picture of what I found inside.

THIS IS YOUR TIME
This is your time.
Your time to say what you have kept silent.
Your time to ask big questions without apology.
Your time to shine like a blazing comet, whether they like it or not.
Your time to believe what your heart tells you: that this world could be very different.
Your time to live by your rhthyms, and teach them to the world.
Your time to nurture your village back to health.
Your time to show the world what it has  been missing.
Your time to show the world the other half of itself.

~Tara Sophia Mohr~

And I cannot stop the tears.

It IS time. For all of us.

I Want You. Savage Garden.

Ha! One more. Traffic light grab.

Missing

This song. 
Applies to many, many things in my life ~ places, events, people, emotions. Both past, present and future. I love to dance to it. To sing with it. It's one of those that sits deep inside of me and I feel it there from the opening beat to the final fade...and beyond.

And now, I'm off to pick up my girl from the airport. 

Missing

Everything But The Girl

Bloodhound Gang

This came on our playlist at The Monkey last week...

we were having a great time til customer's came in. 

Suddenly we're all teens diving for the volume control before anybody hears.

:)

Bloodhound Gang. Good golly. They're just good fun.

Blackstreet No Diggity

Nice mellow digging groove ~ 

Sway and swag it

Show me how you work it

Hey yo hey yo hey ya