There's a kitten. A cat. Couple of pups. Daughters. There's a someone, with someones. Who I miss. Very much. A job...one that's physically hurting me this year, and to be honest, I'm a little concerned. There's sunshine. There's life. A few close friends. There's worry, and with it, some tears. That's life. And it's good.

Yes

Huh

Soooo, who's been creeping in my head?

Kindness

I highly doubt that this quote should be attributed to Jewel...it's oft said, because it is a truth.
But I an drawn to the picture, and the quote is a cornerstone in my life.

You and I. We're pressing flowers.

The Civil Wars I like them so very much. Beautiful song. Pressing Flowers - The Civil Wars (Lyrics): http://youtu.be/v6opP57xgU8

.

I do believe this.

And I do this.

I leave important words unsaid.

They may be important to me, but that doesn't mean that they matter to anyone else.

They may be about a way that I feel, about someone, something...but if that isn't shared, or understood, where's the reason to speak the words?

Don't assume it isn't, just because you don't hear it. Not from me, at any rate.

If you want to know and you just aren't sure...
Ask.

Now, if only I could follow that advice. But I am very, very careful to not ask what I am not certain I am prepared to hear and handle.

It's my struggle. And even in here I don't open that part of me up.

Vampire Diaries - 5x12 Music - Olivia Broadfield …: http://youtu.be/UJScuFplLJA

random

A dump pile. You've been warned. Not editing for space or rambles right now, this is to get it out of me. Took a book with me to share. Forgot to share. Also came back with a gift for eldest daughter of someone still in my bag, next to book not shared. I didn't see her this time, totally left the front of my mind. Doggone it. Rather, damn it all. Siblings did get theirs. Double shit. Talked with dear, dear friend late and long last night. This after a conversation with someone in her world who told me of a direct about face in that life and plans for quiet reparations already under way...which she then shared with me as well. She's in a situation with a murky path ahead. I'm in a situation that scares the hell out of me...but I'd have it no other way. Actually, I'm in a few situations that are unnerving, but of this shared kind is what I'm speaking of. I made the comment that I am sooo fucked. She took me to task, thinking that I meant a negative. I didn't, and after explaining my usage, which was that I'm in and for whatever it is I don't want out even though it scares the hell out of me, she then understood. We talked much much more, and then, at the end, with many tears, mostly on my part, she said, "Well, to wrap this up, we're both fucked." "And we're both okay with that," I replied. We sat for a moment. I started to laugh through my tears and she started to cry through her smile, and then heads on shoulders, we stared out the window at what should have been a full moon. Today the yard and garage are being attacked some more. Then the last day at the tax office. A start at the farm on Thursday with a light schedule there until the May 1 open. Good timing. Realtor comes tomorrow to critique before listing. Bank acct got hit, hard, thank everything for network security. Compiling names for kitten. Scottish names. And, a bit of teasing, not completely light hearted, leads me to tie off loose ends in a religious journey long over. I was not hedging bets, it's done. I was avoiding any further direct contact. I don't believe that a mere letter is enough, as elder daughter went this route also, and she was told that it had to be in person, with a signature, to verify that it is indeed her. If that's the case, fine and so be it. I would simply rather not go back at all. Bad memories. But at least with it done, one way or another, it'll be officially over. So that's my day. Take care, friends not here. Be well.

not a believer

There have been a few times, in the past year, when I've been sent a horoscope update randomly. Say, think, feel what you want about it...I withhold statement on the obvious. But twice they have had words that I felt right into my core. Twice, they've been exactly what I was full of questions about. Once, I chose to take a leap and a chance, based on what I felt happen and open up inside of me. I have no regrets on that choice, and whatever comes, I won't. Silly, girl tears of deep gratitude for the experience since. What about the other time this happened? And did I do the same? That was tonight. And yes. It's what I've been battling in myself for the past bit, deeply and passionately the past small bit, and the question has been, is it intuition or...my fear. And now, I do know. Get out of my way, fear. Sagittarius horoscope for Apr 14 2014 You may be interpreting a certain nagging feeling as an intuitive warning. Something keeps stopping you from moving forward with a certain plan, Sagittarius, and you may be attributing it to your sixth sense. But are you sure it isn't something else? Are you sure you aren't confusing a fear of the newness of that plan with a prescient warning? The best way to figure it out is to let go of the fear by embracing the possibilities. If you can get excited about the potential, you may move beyond the fear and into a feeling of positive anticipation.

to be ok

Is important. There's so much I want to write about. So much that I want to share.

Oasis.

Oasis - Wonderwall - Official Video: http://youtu.be/6hzrDeceEKc Sorry to do it this way, with links. The phone, for all of it's wonders, has limitations.

A fire

At the end of a long and very productive day. Man, I'm not going to lie...my body aches tonight. I started running again last week and have almost gotten things used to how that all feels...had been doing the abs and weights for a couple of weeks, getting ready for the farm...but dang. Yard work, and more tomorrow to get the annual thatch and clover out of the lawn, cleaning the car, packing boxes and cleaning the garage(read that as, lots of over my head on a ladder lifting), and I'm feeling it. Took the girls down to Seattle today also. I think, after this fire dies down, it's going to be hot bath time. With my kahlua coffee. And ibuprofen.

It's a Lana Del Ray morning, this Sunday. I've been up and puttered about, going out in a bit. House next door, that's vacant and for sale, was broken in to last night. With the whole Molly thing, I've put on 4lbs, time to get that off, so workout is next. Then shower, nails, leave. Triple shot coffee, protein bar, music on an overcast nw spring morning. Yep. Lana.

Lana Del Rey - Hollywood (Unreleased): http://youtu.be/h73IXpY2TFA

Wow. I was looking for a quote to share with a couple of people who are hurting, that I care about, from the same kind of situation but different sides of it, and found this. I think it's beautiful. I didn't find the other quote yet, btw.

Yes

Wolves has been drafted.

It's too personal and I couldn't rest, or even breathe right, with it visible. I was working through that struggle, debating which voice to listen to, and then my girl came home.

Off of the plane, angry...until the tears started. Then the heart and soul deep sobbing, for hours. That wound we opened on the drive to Utah had worked and changed and the sadness behind the anger became visible.

She's very much like me, afraid to find, after relaxing inside of someone's presence, that they don't want to be there. Once you care, know...care, yes...they leave. She said that she tells people, please don't stay if you don't want to be here, feeling that it is a gift of selflessness. It is. It's perceived, however, as her not wanting them around, because she won't fight or beg for them to stay. So, they tell her that she obviously doesn't care, they leave...and her heart breaks.

"I don't know how to be any other way, mom. I don't know what to do. I tell them I want them to stay, I show them that I care, I care about and for them...I just don't understand why that isn't enough."

It isn't enough FOR THEM. For the right people, it is. It will be. You won't need to fight to keep them with you. Remind them, yes. Tell them that you care. Yes. Show them. Yes.

And her tears over sharing the darker places inside of her, that it drives people away. The sad parts, the sometimes angry parts. We all have them. They're just a part of who we are. Accept the lighter, happy bits in someone, and understand that there is opposition in everything.

When she sobbed those words out, the question of why people leave when they get a peek into a soul...
My own fear, of the same, took over.
Wolves.
So. Drafted.
You see, misunderstandings.
It could be seen as not caring. Not investing. Many "nots". To me, it's the opposite.
Because I DO care. Very, very much. I perhaps don't say the words that I maybe should, I don't know. I try to show.
But if there's any doubt, I care. Deeply, I do.

Her questions...I can't answer them in a way that a 16 yr old can truly understand. I'm still asking those questions, still learning. I hope the words I shared will stay with her long enough to make sense when their time and place arrive.

And as I was pondering this last night, while slammed at work on my switched shift and trying to not be so much in my head and heart, I found that I missed a call from a someone that I miss. And it mattered to me. But, there was a voicemail to look forward to, and I did look forward to it. Today there is a flight, and while I'm not necessarily a praying person, I am a hoping person. So I'll be watching flight news surreptitiously while at work, because I am such a girl. Who cares.

I hope that's known.

So, blog bots, have at. Laugh at my dance of post and draft.

I just want to know how to tell when it's safe to share. Safe. And wanted.

Now,  off to work. And we'll see if THIS gets drafted.
L. O. L.

my couch = kryptonite

It's the darndst thing. I sit on the couch and I instantly fall asleep. To be honest, I'm often pretty tired when I do sit down, so that's a factor. Tonight, home from work,a few things accomplished, I sat down. And fell asleep. And dreamt. I know that it's said that it takes awhile for sleep to progress to the point of dream space, but for me it happens almost immediately. And they are incredibly vivid. Like tonight. Very. Vivid. Scent, touch, sound. A phone call woke me, took a few moments to pull myself into the now of life. And, as it was related to the dream, I was thrown into a very surreal space. That was totally ok.

omigosh

Just to clarify...because I'm almost asleep... The only thing that's excruciating about tonight is that I am beyond caught up here at work and bored to tears. This almost never happens in my life...I'm happy in my skin and I enjoy life. So ugh and ergh and I just want to go home, start the fire, cuddle on the couch, yawn lots and crawl onto my bed in my blanket. There.

excruciating

Incredibly long afternoon and evening at work. Terribly distracted. Next seasonal job locked in, much accomplished on other things...Another week of daughter gone and I'd be on track, but I get a day. So. I hate to list when I don't feel ready, but I'm done with the waiting. Completely. I have massive amounts of patience, and it is ALL gone for this issue. And I think that sometimes, when I think that I'm being as clear as mud...clear, but as mud...I'm not. AND...I'm hesitant to be any clearer. However, if I don't figure it out...well. Yeah. I miss someone. I hate time zone issues. I'm a grown up, and I oftentimes hate that as well. So here I sit at work, and I have Sweet Transvestite running through my head because that's what I was listening to while I was wrestling furniture. K.

words

What. If. Two words that, apart, have meaning in their application but are relatively benign as such. However. Put them together, side by side, and they suddenly have the power to drive, or to haunt, someone. What. If. In their negative form, they can conjure fear, apprehension. But they have a positive place also, as light truly is wherever darkness exists. What If... What If we chose to believe that something wonderful is alive? I do, because there is. Maybe one day I won't be the only one who knows. And now, I'm exhausted. Curling back into my blanket, on my bed, and sleeping.

not sure why, but most are fixed now

I do apologize for the muddled posts. I'm not certain why the other bits have creepy in, but I've removed much of it.

The songs

someone sang a song about a singer/songwriter, who wrote the songs of life, love, joy, pain, hope, truth, dismay, heartache. The songs that carry our memories of experiences lived, even when a part of us died in them... The songs that mattered. The songs that we live in now,that do...