Yes

Wolves has been drafted.

It's too personal and I couldn't rest, or even breathe right, with it visible. I was working through that struggle, debating which voice to listen to, and then my girl came home.

Off of the plane, angry...until the tears started. Then the heart and soul deep sobbing, for hours. That wound we opened on the drive to Utah had worked and changed and the sadness behind the anger became visible.

She's very much like me, afraid to find, after relaxing inside of someone's presence, that they don't want to be there. Once you care, know...care, yes...they leave. She said that she tells people, please don't stay if you don't want to be here, feeling that it is a gift of selflessness. It is. It's perceived, however, as her not wanting them around, because she won't fight or beg for them to stay. So, they tell her that she obviously doesn't care, they leave...and her heart breaks.

"I don't know how to be any other way, mom. I don't know what to do. I tell them I want them to stay, I show them that I care, I care about and for them...I just don't understand why that isn't enough."

It isn't enough FOR THEM. For the right people, it is. It will be. You won't need to fight to keep them with you. Remind them, yes. Tell them that you care. Yes. Show them. Yes.

And her tears over sharing the darker places inside of her, that it drives people away. The sad parts, the sometimes angry parts. We all have them. They're just a part of who we are. Accept the lighter, happy bits in someone, and understand that there is opposition in everything.

When she sobbed those words out, the question of why people leave when they get a peek into a soul...
My own fear, of the same, took over.
Wolves.
So. Drafted.
You see, misunderstandings.
It could be seen as not caring. Not investing. Many "nots". To me, it's the opposite.
Because I DO care. Very, very much. I perhaps don't say the words that I maybe should, I don't know. I try to show.
But if there's any doubt, I care. Deeply, I do.

Her questions...I can't answer them in a way that a 16 yr old can truly understand. I'm still asking those questions, still learning. I hope the words I shared will stay with her long enough to make sense when their time and place arrive.

And as I was pondering this last night, while slammed at work on my switched shift and trying to not be so much in my head and heart, I found that I missed a call from a someone that I miss. And it mattered to me. But, there was a voicemail to look forward to, and I did look forward to it. Today there is a flight, and while I'm not necessarily a praying person, I am a hoping person. So I'll be watching flight news surreptitiously while at work, because I am such a girl. Who cares.

I hope that's known.

So, blog bots, have at. Laugh at my dance of post and draft.

I just want to know how to tell when it's safe to share. Safe. And wanted.

Now,  off to work. And we'll see if THIS gets drafted.
L. O. L.