Ear worm

Divine Fits - Would That Not Be Nice: http://youtu.be/8NqbhygoDSA

update

Got a wild hair a couple nights ago, did all the painting.

This morning, figured out the closet doors, this afternoon bought the stuff. Tonight, the rest of the hardware will come out, holes patched, then paint and done.

I'll list next week.

This is a major deal. I've always planned this. It will sever all ties, except the girls, with my former spouse. I haven't held on to the house because of any reason other than blank necessity. I'm beyond done with this. I'm grateful, but I'm done.

God, I feel freedom from his influence already.

Because behind all of his pretty talk, he continues to be bitterly angry at me for the same unknown reasons that I never understood before and has just shown me that he is still willing and able to thrust his blade of cold cruelty into my sense of calm and accomplishment, for no reason other than to make certain that I know, and never forget, just how fallible I am.

Attempting to control me and manipulate me through pain and fear into conforming to the idea that he feels I should be, has always felt that I should be, that I have never been.

Incredible...to walk away from that, leave it behind me, leave the ghosts of his anger at me for all that I am. Everything that I was that always he knew about but hated...my music, my humor, my dreams, my hopes, my reading, my fears, my strength. I know that sounds immodest, but it isn't. I'm not saying that those things of mine are awesome, just that what they are they are, and how they are he seemed repulsed by. You'd think I was the one who left, except that my forgiveness and acceptance of his stuff has always, ALWAYS, angered him. But to be free from that, in all ways and not just in myself, but really. REALLY.

School. I could go to school part-time, work part-time, an idea from a someone, who matters. I could  plan for a future of working without physically crippling myself. Pay off the credit card, financial planning, help older daughter with school, pack money into a retirement account...who knows.

So much is already packed.

Garage sale, more furniture to sell...

It'll probably be an apartment for awhile, maybe not. I'd love a yard still...a garden again.
Anyway. All in it's time.

The point is, it's been a major hurdle, a pinnacle to achieve. And it's happening.

What the future holds, who knows. I'm only looking at now.

And being thankful.

Arctic Monkeys - Knee Socks BBC Radio 1 [Live fro…: http://youtu.be/lVBjs4xf3W4

Yes

ergh

So, tomorrow it's been a week since the incident at work. And it's been a rough week. As I'm slowly coming out of the fog around that day I'm realizing how deeply it affected me. Damn it. I have a total understanding now of the term "dick in the dirt", in a way that I hadn't before. Just this evening, as I decided to spend a little time taking care of myself,  did that became clear to me. I can't say that I've always looked forward to going to work but I've rarely dreaded it. That's changed, and it's a struggle. I keep thinking that each day will get easier as more time passes, but so far that just isn't the case. Then again, it's been a very long 2 wks, working double shifts and extra days with only 2 days of and those a week apart. But after my morning shift tomorrow I have 3.5 days off. I can barely wait.

And, conditions in the neighborhood are getting worse.  Tonight a couple of kids were beginning to hit the fence with their skateboards and I had to confront them.

I've been stuck in the thought that I need a different job before I list the house. No. I had to pad on a good job because the start date was immediate. So, I need to list and sell, relocateand then find the job. Because bottom line, I have to get us out of here and I'm tired of saying that and not accomplishing it. There's a beast of a wall to paint, and that's it. It's ready to go, much is already packed.

So.

Yeah.

I do feel a little better understanding how much that incident impacted me.

Now I just need to be brave and take care of it.

A week. Fear. with one very small, but significant, change in a word.

*below, I used the word "start" in reference to movement. That was incorrect. I was half asleep, exhausted, drained...the word I wanted, and meant, is "keep".

I've had a heck of a week. Been working extra shifts covering for people to have this coming memorial day wkend off, had a very upsetting event happen there that set off a ptsd struggle in me, betrayal by a good, good friend, topped with missing a someone who's out of town and then an unexpected moment when I thought I was being dumped. And there, after all that, I'm struggling. 

Many tears, fears, aches, pain. Dramatic, but unintentionally so.

I've been doing much reading the past few days, to get myself back online.

I like for all the answers to be in front of me. It never happens. I know the path is
found in the journey. Life has always shown me the way, along the way. What makes now different?

Well, I know that. And I am not ready to go into that.

But what I am saying is that while I don't know what is ahead, I know that I need to keep walking.

And I found this, this evening, that sums up every single thing I've known and been remembering.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/11/17/10-harsh-realities-that-help-you-grow/

So.
Ok.
Wish me good things. Please.
I'm scared.

A woman's heart is said to be a fickle, shallow thing. Poets, artists, scholars, priests, they've all said the same thing. I will admit that a female heart can be just such a creature...but that would be the heart of a girl.
The heart of a woman is something altogether different. A woman's heart has many layers, many rooms. It bears the scars of life and living, of loving and never being loved in return. It knows great joy, and as all things light must carry a shadow of equal size, it knows great pain...and it knows them intimately.
She may not choose to be wise, or to have this depth of feeling, yet there it is. She may try to run from it, yet it will follow.
And there she is.

Someday

From my viewpoint, older daughter has found a someone like this...or rather, he found her. They have a nice story. Someday, I'll share it in condensed form.

Younger daughter, not yet. But then, she hasn't found anyone that she is this way about. She's so young still, not quite 17. Plenty of time.

Wouldn't it be nice?

tonight

Tonight, work done.
Tonight, sunburn still.
Tonight, I cooked dinner.
Tonight, went to a secluded beach.
Tonight, felt peace. Not complete peace, but peaceful bits.
Tonight, felt discontent, but it's ok.
Tonight, sleepy.
Tonight, early bed for me.
It's hot, so no wrapping in a blanket, but thoughts of someone.

this morning

This morning, the sun is shining. 
This morning, kitten discovered the joys of a toilet paper roll. 
This morning, the birds with a nest out front had eggs hatch. 
This morning, I listened to Come To Me. and smiled. 
This morning, another box packed. 
This morning, I paid bills. Not much money left, but the light switches do things, water is hot, internet works, baby has new shoes, water turns on when we want it and the garbage gets picked up. 
This morning, I have a sunburn. 
 This morning, I worked on a gift for a someone for the coming winter. 
This morning, coffee is lovely.
 This morning, I miss him. 
 And his someones. 
 This morning, I got a text from my older girl.
 This morning, the air is clean and crisp. 
This morning, younger girl is sleeping deep in her bed, dark hair mussed into her pillow, the same sweet look on her face that she's had since baby days. 
This morning, I danced. 
This morning, I feel summer coming. 

So shake your ass or whatever else you want to and do this thing. 
Make it awesome. 
Make it brilliant. 
Make it real and god...make it alive. 

 My current earworm (these guys are the bomb)

The Kongos

Hey I Don't Know

Mother's Day

It's not an easy day for me.

So many people are stressed over expectations, on both sides. It always seems to simply defeat the idea all to hell.
And I struggle with my feelings of inadequacy as a mom, mightily at times.

Spent a whirlwind 12 hrs with a someone who will be across the nation for 2 weeks, drove back and straight to my opening shift at the farm, got home, tired but wouldn't have missed those few hours...heard from someone that they were safe, and feeling relieved, was able to sleep. Woke up after a couple of hours, feeling a little lost, daughter out on a first date, came downstairs and saw this on the counter.

So. I may have cried a bit.
But that's ok.

A dress

So. Today, after a night of crazy dreams and feeling almost panicky that I showed a bit more emotion a day or so ago than I am comfortable with...have I mentioned that I'm fucked? Yeah. But that's not for this. Anyway, a darn rough night and hoping I haven't completely wrecked something, daughter and I headed out on my day off to do some stuff.
She wanted to hit some thrift stores, get food, talk. We did.
Now, I like shopping, but I approach it with purpose when I'm after something. Heck, I plan the stops so that the stores, or whatever, are in a loop, as efficient as possible. In a thrift store I know what I'm needing, and head down the aisles, visually scoping. I needed a couple of short sleeved shirts, one dressier one, at least 2 to wear under, nicer than straight camis, if possible a coat and, my frivolous wish, a dress. But...they all have to either be half price or under $5, and I refuse to hunt. So.
Found the 2 short sleeved shirts very quickly and 2 for under. Next stop the long sleeved white shirt, boom, and after playing with the pimp daddy trenchcoats because it made daughter groan, spotted the exact coat I wanted.
Last stop, followed daughter around, then just knew my dress was there. Walked over to the area, third dress I touched was it. Didn't try it on, just popped the hanger over my head, asked daughter what she thought, threw it in the basket, grabbed a dress for her off the same rack, out we went.
Got home finally, tried it on.
I love it.
I feel like a girl in it.
So excited, I posted a picture. $5!! Didn't even look for it, really. :)
People are being very complimentary, but...
Well, damn it. It bothers me. It's why I don't post many photos of myself.
You see, I have no illusions about my looks. I wish, sometimes desperately which I hate to admit, that I could be pretty. I really do, just being honest. And I know that I'm not. I don't think about it generally, because I can't change it, I'm just me.
I don't like being seen.
Only by some people, and then it's scary as anything I've ever known.

But this. I'm not looking for praise, for compliments, for approval. I'm just me. Excited about this dang dress and I'm gonna wear it every chance I get. Working at the farm, if I get to feel like a girl, then I want to.
Now I'm hiding under bubbles in a tub.
Anyway.
Thanks for listening.
Like you have a choice.
;)

take me

Not a happy song, but the percussion and vocals are incredible. It has the kind of sound that soothes me. Kongos - Take Me Back: http://youtu.be/u6q13P0JYho

Dance me. I'll dance you.

Beautiful.
Just sing for me, play.
The dancing happens, one way or another.

Dance Me to the End of Love // The Civil Wars // …: http://youtu.be/ph1p_LsAA4c

I forget

I forget what doesn't matter. I remember the feelings, the sights, sounds, scent. The sharing, the thoughts, the ideas, the dreams, the frustrations. The rise and fall, ebb and flow. Steadily, in. Then out. And in again. It's nice. Very nice.