Monday, February 24, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
February night
Snow day, gone.
On my bed, window open
Sounds of rain, falling
Running through gutters
Scent of clean air
Cold
Cars on the highway, sound traveling unlike winter sounds...
Candle
Smooth skin, bare
With soft blanket
Leg wrapped over
Around
Pillows beside me
Door closed, almost, cats have to be able to leave, but other kids here tonight.
Sink
Soft
Sweet
Voice
Sleep
Tomorrow I have to see the girls dad, and I hope...
But.tonight
Dreams
Gnite
Xoxox
Saturday, February 22, 2014
a life span
I've begun wondering if it's time to close this one down.
I've been speaking to myself for so long, for so many years...I've heard all I have to say about so many things in all those so many years.
I'm beginning to feel that I'm out of anything useful to share.
And I think I've revealed all that I ever will to the "general public" such as this is, occupied and trolled by blogbots alone.
I don't know.
I don't want this to be a daily true-confessional.
I want to talk about it to someone, with someone. I want advice. Guidance.
and so.
Stuff
Just stuff.
Much of life is stuff, be it good or bad or indifferent. Yesterday was a variety.
Work was good, slower so I was able to put the place to rights after the day before, which was, imo, 4 Wednesdays shoved into a Thursday.
Quick grocery trip to grab a couple things for a dinner for my very best girlfriend, who's got a tough thing to do today. We see each other all the time, but haven't had a moment to really talk and listen. Things in our lives aren't at places where that is acceptable, so.
Home to a disaster, threatened the young folk in the house who then, bless them, fixed it all. Cooked dinner, tossed out in the oven. I had some time left over and decided to be a girl.
:)
You know, despite the hormones, the emotions, the trouble with jeans, bad hair days, I really do like being a girl. I like all the fluff and pink, soft and silly, silky, pretty, sparkly things of being a girl.
It's a good thing.
And I'm not a stalker. I'm simply observant at awkward times.
Anyway, it was a good night, dinner, ridiculous drinks, movies, much talking and hearing.
I think she's ready for today.
Friday, February 21, 2014
I'm a blessed person.
I'm a happy person.
I'm strong and I know that, and I also know that I'm not always strong. It's the small that hides itself.
I've got big stuff on the block, and I'm scared but that's okay. I not only CAN do this, I WILL do this. And I know that.
I'm a grateful person.
I have amazing people in my life.
And another day to fill and live.
Daughter was in a small accident, she's fine.
Except for a little weed trimming, and a damn closet door and a few other tall things, the house is ready.
Reading a book which is humorously fascinating and horrifying at the same time. I feel icky until I remember that I am NOT these people. And that the awareness of the reality of this experience is in large part what kept me from ever going there.
And other things. I hope all is well.
And so, tonight again, I'll wrap my body up in a blanket, rest my head on my pillow, send good thoughts out into the world in a direction or two, and call it good.
Even if it isn't. I have to call it such.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Friends
Thursday, February 13, 2014
...i thought i heard him say...
Well
These things no longer matter in my life.
I left many, most...but it was time.
Now. On to edits and mailings.
Tonight
You know those days at work, when the pressure is intense, the pace relentless, the public unforgiving and your co-workers are depending on your abilities and insight to keep them safe, literally, and make it happen for everyone?
That is the tax office in peak.
I love it.
I curse it.
Anyway. It's great. Without arrogance in the least, I can say that I'm fairly decent at my job. And that feels good.
Now, after a hard workout, a hot bath. Bubbles, strawberry scented bubbles. Cinnamon tea. Candlelight. A fantastic book. Soft music. A common ritual for me but appreciated to the fullest, always. To take a moment, be a girl...scrubbed soft and smooth skinned, hair up, relaxed, warm, pink and happy. Do my nails, lotion, silky things to wear. I'm not young and lovely any longer, but I don't feel old. I feel. Everything beautiful.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Best laid plans fall aside when the subject gets chilled.
Seriously.
There are two times a year, at least, when I am freezing. It lasts about a week, and no matter what I do, I can't get warm for very long. I mention it because this time it is being disruptive.
Actually, this round started 2 wks ago when daughter was pulling her nonsense, hiding the things I knew about, had asked about. I'd be fine, then I'd begin to shake. I know that in my panic days I would run hypoglycemic, not to the point of medications, but close management.
Right now I'm buried in bed under blankets, in shirts, sweaters, socks, thermals, fuzzy pants, hat, after having run up here from a long enough visit to the fireplace to stop the quaking down to mere shaking. It hurts. Wth. I don't get it. And I don't like it.
I had things to do tonight, but I can't sit at the desk. I tried, all wrapped up. That's the stuff that frustrates me. Is it a reverse menopause thing? I know that im technically in that state, from my hormone levels at the last pap, but I rarely, if ever, have hot flashes...usually only when it's just freaking hot and everybody is feeling it.
I'm not rail thin, although if my skin were tight like it should be I'd be a 0-2 in my jeans, a 2-4 in everything now. So, there's padding, which I wish wasn't but oh well. It's not because of.that, then...I admit to typically consuming about 900 ca a day, adding weight work and.cardio. I.feel great every other moment excpet.these. One week in the fall,.one in early spring.
Ah, beginning to warm a bit more now. I had tea, juice and vitamins about 20 minutes ago...just kicked off the socks.
Rough night at work. Lots of folks owed back taxes and the irs takes that first...angry people, I think more scared than anything else. It doesn't get to me, but it's frustrating to deal with. Shaking started then.
Had a talk, well, made a few comments, to the girls' dad about the workload he's pulling. His first marriage ended because of his emotional and.physical.absence.due to work...she left. Ours fell to shit in part due to.the same, but it was his inability to be a part of.the unit of "us". He's doing the same thing now. I'd sure like for his first shot at a culturally similar relationship last. Strange trip, counseling the ex on how to stay married to the woman he left me for.
Ah. Warmer. Still shaking, but it isn't visible. Hungry now. Quick bite, quick.sleep. I open that shop in the morning.
And drat it. Those things to send must wait another day.
Damn.
time for a password change, me thinks. Edit
Freakishly busy morning, settling in for a quick nap before work. Throat almost better, hallelujah.
And then thoughts, of this nature and another, perhaps still a third.
Daughter attempted to use "peer" pressure on me to get me to try something this morning. I laughed at her. It never worked on me when I was a kid, has never worked on me as a adult.How well do your kids know who you are?
Right.
Me, the most open and easily read person I know, as far as I know. Except for those things that I keep.
Still much to do today, and much to accomplish this evening after quirk. At least, a few things to put my rough edits in order to from their own sheet, and send over to someone. Little by little.
A kitten is coming.
To A God Unknown is half done. I know I say it each time, but this is my favorite. I know Joseph. I understand these people.
And daughter. On again off again bfriend...he's taking her to a hardcore show for Valentine's Day. Seems fitting. I'm glad other friend's are going also.
So.
Moving on.
And going to sleep now for an hour.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
A good day for skimming the smooth surface, taking care of visible business, and letting the unseen sift and settle. It'll sort itself and show me what needs managed.
It was an eventful weekend, full on all counts. It was a wonderful weekend, exhaustion notwithstanding. It was a lovely weekend, worries and all.
It was made quite clear to me, again, that I am not immune to unnecessary worry. The whole week was full of it and much self talk to diffuse it.
Panicking on the way home last night, daughter incommunicado, but while there WAS something going on, it was ok. Much good happened for her, that she made happen, out of her determination to not accept being deeply sad and afraid. When I talked with her, and her good guy friend, about the events of the 2 days, for each of us, I almost shouted with relief that she recognized her power over that demon fear. It was a beautiful thing.
And we reached a lasting detente over a matter. I'm grateful for that.
A nice 20 hours with a someone and family. Watching the dynamics and interactions was great, there's much open communication and that's most of the battle. I hope he does know that he's doing a fantastic job. There are bumps ahead but they'll make it through just fine. It helped me to see the many similarities between our families and to not let the unreal, imagined terrors of my parenting in this life haunt my heart. It's going to be ok.
I'd like for them to meet. They will when it's time, I suppose.
And now, that horrid Valentine's day is just 3 days away.
I. HATE. VALENTINE'S. DAY.
Because of the stress people begin to feel about what they are worried that other people's expectations are.
I have none. It's Friday. I will go to work.
Ermahgerd.
So now, sore throat from something most highly enjoyable that I wish I'd been able to make happen in hand, I shall take the car for its oil change.