And so it goes...away

I am heartbroken.
Another loss in my life, another lifeline severed.
I have to begin to wonder what I have done to be on the receiving end of these happenings. What crime against anyone have I committed that must demand these extreme payments? I have had security, companionship, my way of life, my dreams and expectations and now my one own passion taken from me...

 I just turned and walked away. To my car, and then drove away.
I feel so betrayed. Almost as much as when I realized that my husband of several years had been cheating. 
I know that seems extreme, but that's how it feels.
I just feel numb with the hurt and rejection.
So, I won't be reading those posts. I'll leave them here, though. I guess they can serve as a lesson that anything that you love can be taken, without thought or regard, in a second.
Beyond that, I have no lessons thought out yet.
I'm really not in the thinking stage at this point. I'm in the "go until I fall into sleep from sheer exhaustion so I don't have to think" and to just get going the moment I get out of bed to keep the same from happening. Thought can happen when the physical pain has diminished somewhat. The 2 together are too much to take right now.

Here's my song for this:

Except that I didn't leave the post as it was...just the parts that I want to remember.

If I don't forget these basic things then I won't be caught off guard again.

At least, that's the theory.

Not sure how many more hits like this I will be able to physically take.

Never mind the mental and emotional...honestly, that's been messed with so much that it's all sort of spongy and hasn't had any time to heal back up.

But the physical toll is pretty hard to handle

oh well.

guess i'll see!

This one's for you and me...

mummer's dance

For all of the metal and techno that i listen to,

all of the noise that i fill my life with sometimes...

THIS

is what lives inside of me.

I feel it pull from the center of my being ~

The indefinable pull towards a home unknown still.

I feel the wind drag against me, I smell the water in the air~

I hear the sounds of the leaves and the rocks as I walk through them and

see the textures in the layers of the land and sky around me.

Somewhere inside, this home lives and it calls to me daily.

I have dreams full of the searching, looking through all the streets, woods,

alleys and homes that I come across, waiting to see if the feeling is right...

Someday, I pray, I will find it. And I will know. Because it will be home to me.

But I can tell you, it feels like this song. So for now, I will live in this.

addiction and recovery

Some debates as to the meaning of this song,

but to me it's a story of addiction and the choice to recover~

Foster the People

Helena Beat



classic...beyond.

This still cracks me up after all these years!

Yeah, I saw it when it originally aired.

YOU can just be quiet. Now.

Enjoy ~

JT says it right...

Not even kidding, JT...

Karma will get you every time, believe it or not~

let me paint this picture for you...

tale as old as time

I thought I told ya

what goes around...comes back around

right. back. around.

Kiss Quick ~ Matt Nathanson

Beautiful Song, Beautifully Delivered

I love Matt Nathanson's voice, his lyrics, but mostly, I love his delivery. He sings his songs from his very being, I don't see how anyone can hear him and not be drawn right in.

This year, all but disappeared,
bought into fairy tales,But sleeping beauty just
kept score and tried to sleep more
She said "I'm not quite, myself tonight,
But the way you touch me, oh, makes me tongue tied,
That could be the wine too."

Kiss Quick, I've got a line out the door
Who all think they can save me.
One by one they lay the world at my feet,
One by one they drive me crazy.

She said "I know Love,
and it's all push and shove,
so stop talking
and put your back into it."
Loaded, oh my hands shook to hold it
I turned her body on, I turned her body on myself.

Kiss Quick, I've got a line out the door
Who all think they can save me.
One by one they lay the world at my feet,
One by one they drive me crazy.

Shut your mouth,
Pull me out, before this all goes grey.
One by one they lay the world at my feet.
One by one they go away.

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh

Come on, come on, come on.
Kiss quick, I've got a line out the doorWho all think they can save me.
Oh, one by one they lay the world at my feet.
One by one they drive me crazy.

Shut your mouth,
Pull me out before this all goes grey.
One by one they lay the world at my feet.
One by one they go away.
They go away.
They go away.

Sell my blood for money,
baby, baby.
And I love how it feels.

This year, all but disappears.

Reached a conclusion...or just acknowledging a fear...

This hasn't been chased to ground like the majority of my posts...always edit/edit/edit...but I have to write it. Now.

I have reached the rather frightening conclusion that I may very well be alone for the rest of my days. Alone as in a relationship kind of way.

Firstly, the odds are definitely against me. I'm of a certain age, and the men in my age bracket are either already involved(either with a long-time spouse or a much younger woman) or definitely single for very good reasons. The men who are older are, well...they are getting into that "older" stage, and I feel very young inside still. There are many experiences I still want to take on in life, and I'd like to have my companion with me. I spent so many years alone while married, I don't want to do that anymore. And the younger men are all very young. They don't look at a woman my age in that respect. So for all of that, I'm screwed.

Secondly, I think that I may be a bit too "all over the map" for anyone. This isn't a brag or a pity thing, just an observation. I sometimes can't keep up with myself. If you take things astrologically I am a dual sign, horse/human. I often feel that there are 2 very different parts of me. I see both sides of almost all situations easily, I test as having a mixed dominance in my brain strengths (not predominantly left or right brained, but a fair mix of both). My tastes in music, art, religion, books, clothing are of no set catagory, i like both ends and some of the middle. I am very conservative on some issues and extremely liberal on others. I hold no allegiance to a political party...among many other things. I believe the "nice" word that is used sometimes is eccentric. That conjures images of a freaky, fuzzy headed loony woman living in a victorian house surrounded by african statues and 95 cats. And she's alone(except for the statues which probably talk to her and the 95 cats, all named). 

I finally had reached a point where I felt that I could share all of the sides of me with a man, almost...not around, is he? So another part of me is fairly terrified to give that a try again. Worked out so well, after all.

But I don't want to live just showing little parts of myself anymore. I want to be quirky and serious, a seeker and a wise-ass. I want to be a little kid sometimes, and I want to be mystified by the sea and mountains. I want to see the magic in a bird's song and then shove someone into the lake(not to be mean, of course. I'm really NOT a mean person). I don't want to hide who I am, whoever that is. And I don't want to be alone. 

So how does that work? That's where I am. I don't think it does. I haven't yet met a man who is willing, or able, to accept all of that in anyone, much less me. I am unremarkable, not the kind of woman to inspire great feats of courage or humor. Not the kind to create a testosterone fueled show-off session. And I think that only a woman who can bring those basic and primitive qualities in a man to the surface is one who could get away with such a dream as mine. 

I truly do feel that I have to let it go. Just, letting it go seems like a type of death to me. Part of me will literally wither and die. That hurts. But trying to keep the hope alive is hurting more right now. 

See? Can't just be on a specific side of this issue either. I want it all. 

And there it is. Maybe I'll clean this post up later. Maybe I'll just leave it like this, raw and right off the keyboard. Maybe I'll find a song to go with it. But at least it's out of me.

WOW, can't believe I didn't get these on the list...

When I posted my playlist, I was going off of memory because I had it turned off. I thought it seemed a little light...it was. Here are the rest:

Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Relax



When this song first came out they even played it a few times at the church dances that I went to. I couldn't believe it, but didn't say anything to anyone because it was totally my favorite song. Then the boyf that I had at the time, and friend of his, were talking about how "dirty" the songs that they liked were. I laughed at 'em. I said that I had the dirtiest and then we made a bet on that one. I had them really listen to the song.

Yeah, I won.

Suddenly it stopped getting played at the dances.

rats



Already posted once on this blog, but who can pass up a chance for

Death Cab for Cutie, Meet Me on the Equinox?

Must have at least a little dose of Pink on a "get me outta this day" list:

So What

Don't Say Goodbye, Paulina Rubio

Little Latina Slut, what can I say. Love the Tron-esque light cycle, though.

Good dance song.

Classic, Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer

...so creative. In the days before cg. Would love to see what he could do with the technology these days. Probably be bored out of his amazing brain.

One last one that WOULD be on the list, but I can't find it for download anywhere and I don't want to spend the money on a cd for one song. Has been a complete favorite, esp for the "you ain't taking me down, life" days.

Golden Earring, Twilight Zone

There ya go. Go take on the day, don't let it take you.

My Playlist Today...

WOW...what a day it's been. So, this is my blog, right? I'm putting my playlist for the day up here, some in vid form from Youtube, some not. I will say up front that I can't post alot of these on my Fb wall, I have friends that would be offended, and I get that...but, it's me. So, warning, if you are offended by language, you are entering at your own risk by clicking on some of the links (potentially). K, here we go.
oh...this cd I burned is likely one of the only things that's kept me sane over the past couple of days. It's been tough.

1: Memories, David Guetta, Kid Cudi:

Next: Given Up, Linkin Park

I'm not completely insane, really. This one is much milder:

What'd I tell you? Up next... Adam Lambert, If I had You:

(yeah, complete with a Nature Valley Granola ad in the beginning...really?)

Personally, I think he thought the first look was the hottest of them, but I don't. And dang, why is the guy gay? So not right.

Onward: INXS, Need You Tonight

That 2nd add on, they did that thing in one take, came up with the idea in a flash, put all the words on cards and ran with it. Loved INXS before Hutchence lost it all. They were so awesome.

Give it up for ET, Katy Perry

(pun intended)

Woah, right? K, Linkin again, What I've Done(enjoy the random, empty thought bubble that shows up):

Vampire Money, MCR

http://youtu.be/_9EQsebBUH8

That version is, in my book, a fail in that it's edited, but fun to watch them live. I'm sorry, but part of the song is the language, it's got a purpose here. Song was written to mock the bands that were climbing all over each other to be on the soundtracks for Twilight. MCR was asked, and declined. At 2:30, you can faintly hear Gerard say, "twilight sucks". :) Read the captions underneath, if you get the site, they are hysterical!

 

Nelly Furtado: Say It Right

GreenDay, Holiday...no explanation necessary, you reading the news lately? Never gets better, always gets old. Jeez...

http://youtu.be/r5aQFRc4okE

got to go that route, for some reason the Youtube uploader can't find it. It's live, it's awesome, it's lengthy. Just saying.

Black-Eyed Peas, Boom Boom POW!

Now for Muse...never have to worry, with Muse. Love them. Would so be a groupie if I could, no joke. ;)

For Another Muse offering, Starlight.

...sigh...

Mellowing out a bit, yes I do that...

One Republic, Stop and Stare

Another slower one, Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars

Another INXS, the first song I heard of theirs. Original Sin.

Michael Buble...a girl can dream of a man that can sing, right?

(ps, I am sure it's not James Bond he's working, but Man from U.N.C.L.E.)

On the other end of the spectrum, Lady Gaga, Bad Romance

(song is okay, but the vid is DEFINITELY bad...somebody quit putting her in charge of stuff, k?)

Christina Aguilera, Fighter. TONS of personal meaning for me in this song.

Almost done...still here? Wow. K, next to last is JT, Cry Me A River. Song kind of means something to me:

To round it off, ZZ Top, Tube Snake Boogie

(yeah, I know)

So, there's my playlist for today. I think it's pretty alright, but like I said before, I do have friends who would find parts quite offensive. Sigh. Tons to say to that, but not now. Hope you enjoyed the songs!

Les Yeux Ouverts...Dream a Little Dream

Dream a Little Dream

(Les Yeux Ouverts)

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I’m longin’ to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

(instrumental break)

Stars shining up above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Yes, dream a little dream of me



Starlight...

 i love this song...

MUSE

Starlight

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold

Why it's taken so long...

                                              (Scottish Highlands)

Oh, what a month May was. Difficult, disappointing, dispiriting, discouraging...many disses. I, for one, am so glad that it is gone. I am hoping, and attempting to create the reality of all that mess being contained within the wadded ball of paper from the calendar, tossed into the garbage and relegated to the past and to the road behind.

However, being an idealistic realist, I know that the path behind colors the walk ahead. So I suppose that the truth is that I am hoping for the residues to be diminished in their ability to touch the tomorrows ahead.

What on earth has happened? Probably nothing large to anyone reading these words, but to me, far too much, all at once. Hard to write about, but harder to hold inside.

Already feeling the sadness of a loss, documented earlier, I found that a position of employment had been scammed out from under me. It had been an ideal set-up for us, worked quite well in our schedule and provided just enough income to cover what was lacking. I don't ask for much, and require little, but to have that "not much" and "little" managed is necessary. So, that discovery set me reeling. Welcome to the month...

At the same time, my daughter was approached with dancing for the company performance team for next year. This brings an added expense that I am completely uncertain as to how we will meet, but it has to happen for her. And to this one thing I am sure...I will do whatever must be done to make sure that it does.

Why?

While I am dealing fairly well, for the most part, in my recovery from our abandonment and the divorce, she is not. We had an anniversary, of the date that we were moved out, happened early in May. I was aware of it, but as she does not speak about it and doesn't like to bring any of the subject up, I kept that awareness to myself. She, however, brought it up, out of the blue. And a depression landed on our home. I could see it weigh her down, it was tangible and very dark.

The hardest part of being a parent is the feeling of complete helplessness when you see your child in pain, for whatever reason, and know that you cannot remove it. It is the most indescribable agony of soul and spirit that I have ever endured and it has no relief until a way through is found and their healing begins. Torture knows no greater tool. Sorrow goes no deeper. Not for me.

I have wanted, through all of this, so desperately, to have the ability to move her through the experience with as little damage as possible. Difficult, not realistic at all. Highly idealistic, and without any rational thought to it. But still, there was the desire. I have so many unresolved feelings from my childhood of constant movement and upheaval and loneliness and isolation that I am not properly capable of removing myself from them and approaching her situation objectively. I project my experience too strongly and lose my bearings inside of it. Being confronted with her pain left me feeling completely incapable of everything. Absolutely everything. Yet everything depended on me getting us through the rapids.

If you have never felt the truth of "taking things one step at a time", wait until you are a parent, or responsible somehow for getting another life through a dangerous place without knowing where or how to step. Things make so much more sense when you see them through those eyes.

This, of course, is happening while we are still dealing with her "friend" having set a jugulo gang on her for no longer having a particular hat. Yes, you read that correctly. And that's another issue altogether, but is part of the reason why it is of extreme importance that any job that I am able to get not leave her home alone for any real length of time. Still being dealt with, had another discussion with a probation officer for an individual just this evening. There was some good and positive news tonight, whew.

Dance is my daughter's salvation right now. Everyone needs something that is their own. This is hers. She adores music, as most young people her age do. She plays piano, is beginning to sing again, but dance is her outlet. It is her focus and it drives her, it comforts her. It is the string of life that she is holding hard afast to during this time of her life. It is beginning to define who she is, and through it she is learning strength, confidence and ambition is becoming her own again.

And that is why I will do whatever is needed in order to make sure that she is able to pursue this opportunity.

Summer session of dance is paid for, somehow. Music Man dance auditions are coming up and she is excited for that.

School is out next week, but I am finding productive, worthwhile things to fill our time with.

The sting of that job taking is diminishing and leads are opening up in unexpected directions. A few openings in the library system just were posted, and I am applying for those as well.

Counseling will be paid for by her father, per our agreement of parenting.

The gang beating issue is having much light shown on it and that always helps these situations lose their power. Dark deeds do not thrive in bright light.

My loneliness...it seems larger than ever right now. Her counselor said that I am a smiling depressive. I see where he is going with that, but I disagree. I am a saddened optimist, right now. It will pass. My hopes and dreams for life are always the same. They get kicked about and stomped on. My heart gets tossed around and bruised up, but only because it is visible and it cares. I can't live any other way, to wall it up again is death of the soul and I will not be there again. Loneliness has been a companion of mine for many years now, it is bound to get tired of me soon enough, since I would rather have pain than empty nothing and that is where it lives. At least pain lets me know that I am alive, while the other was worse than death.

For now, the hemorraging is, at least, managed. The cutting has stopped, but I am on open alert and do regular inspections, without objections.

And I am so grateful that this miserable month of May is gone.

Oh yes, let's not forget...the world was supposed to end on the 21st of May. See? Blimey, what a blooming dismal 31 days that was.

new post coming later today...

Maybe a few. It's been a rough week or so, so many things happening. Feeling completely overwhelmed! Can't write now, have to leave to do things, but will later this evening.