if you want my autobiography

The song doesn't totally apply, just parts.

The lyrics that apply are below ~

"Who Knew"

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Who knew? Not me...

If you had told me, a couple of years ago, that in 2011 I would celebrate a day that I  had viewed as a death, I honestly would have run from you...because you were a cruel freak.

So, I was wrong.

It isn't a hard thing for me to do, to apologize, to admit my error. I view it as a necessity to living well with others. I can't fathom taking the energy to cover up a mistake and to perpetuate the lie that it wasn't made. So much better, in all respects, to just face up and meet the charging bull, snarling dog, irate person...whatever it is you picture.

So, to the person that I would have declared insane, I apologize. In fact, there may be a few. If you read this, know that I'm sincere. I mean it. You were right.

How long I lived with a man who did not want to be with me...continued to pretend that everything was great. Both of us did. I thought that if I willed everything good at it, then things would be alright. If I did everything I should, then things would be alright. If I became everything that he asked for, got rid of everything that he didn't like, did everything that he wanted, then things would be alright. I've been down this road before...

Things weren't alright.

They weren't ever going to be alright.

But I didn't know that. It's like the Pink song, "Who Knew". I knew, that's who knew. I knew I could make it happen...

there was no way...

K ~ So. Fast Forward.

I lost one anniversary, but I gained another. One that I was sure would cause me agony each time that day rolled around, year after year. I just couldn't see any other way it could be, no matter how hard I tried.

I could only see it as a symbol of a failure, a rejection.

Who Knew?

Not me.

No way could I have conceived that it would become a day that I would celebrate.

Not even when the day came around this year did I know.

Until I woke up that morning.

I usually get out of bed right away and get going with the day. When I wasn't alone in my bed there was a reason to lie there, to wait, to be...but for the past couple of years, there is none, so I just get out and the day is on.

But that morning, a couple of months ago, I woke up, and I just looked up at the ceiling for a minute. I actually took some inventory of my state of being and surroundings...window, sun coming through. Temp, kind of cold in the house, darn it. Dog on my foot, cat on my head...

Then came the question that I just don't ask... "how do i feel?".

My feelings are loud enough as they are. I don't like to open the door and ask them on purpose how they're doing. Good grief, only an idiot would do that! I know what it looks like in there! It's the point, again, in the horror movie when the 1st victim opens that damn door and everyone is screaming, "DON'T DO IT".

But I did.

I really wasn't sure what  I was feeling. I ran the checklist...sad? Hmmm...not really. Mad? Nope. Resentful? Well, always a little...I resent that he held on when he should have left long ago. Not sure that there's any real rational thinking there, so I'm not going into it. Curious? YEAH, totally, now.

Why wasn't I really mad? Sad? What was going on?

Got up, did the morning biz, headed out the door to work.

On the short drive in, it came to me in a flash. And as soon as I pulled into the Monkey parking lot, I set it as my status for the day on Facebook.

It's been on my mind the past couple of days, and revisiting some of these posts, I see that it's standing under the test of light and weight. It's a sound and true statement from me. I went back through my posts (if you know how much I post, you'll know that it took awhile!) and found it.

I'm sharing it here, so that it can take it's place in the log of progress, growth, experience.

The day that was supposed to be the anniversary of my death, failed to be such. In the eternal spirit of renewal, it has become the anniversary of life.

It has become a day that I will cherish. Not in a sick or twisted angry way, because I am still very sad that the dream died. But in a very real way, as proof of survival and hope.

Treat it well...it is precious to me.

And thank you, for anyone who is sharing this journey with me. I log it for myself, but I hope that it puts good in the world somehow.

(btw...i've never had so many "likes" on a status as on this one. so grateful for those friends who stood by me and held me up when i needed it, looked away when i bared my ugly soul, allowed their ears to hear my cries and made me laugh when they knew that it was all that would save me)

"Happy, happy day for me. Anniversary of a day that I thought was the end of my life...it wasn't. It was the day my personal tomb opened and I walked back into the world of the living. Hasn't been easy, hasn't been painless, but looking back over the path of the past year, it's been freaking amazing...what a ride. Sometimes that nail that you think is the final one INTO the coffin is really the final one OUT. Celebrate my day with me...make it beautiful for yourselves. :)"

October 15

Do NOT let go of my hand...

...i'll never let go...


Oh...my. 
 At 1:36 I start to cry. I have never seen this movie, but I will be seeing it when it is re-released.

oh goody...more ramblings from the brain

It's funny, for me, to go back and read some of the posts. I wonder what people must think, if they ever get read at all. And yeah, I worry that I come across like a psych ward escapee. Lol, not really. Well, yeah. Maybe.

What ends up here in the blog are the immediate thoughts pulled from the intense feelings that build up inside of me. I can't paint or draw, but I write, so I attempt to give them a place to express themselves and get them the heck out of me. They don't always make a lot of sense, I imagine, to anybody else, but I recognize them for what they are and putting them down serves my reason for ever doing any of this.

But, I want to remember to put down the intense joyful feelings and experiences that I have as well as the painful  and confusing issues. I know that it's only that I KNOW what to do with the happy things that they never come here. Those are the ones that I want to keep and wear and play with. The others I am never sure of how to manage them. They are BIG big feelings and I'm just struggling to deal with the power and strength behind them. My other coping mechanisms are gone~

Today I had a nice morning, got lots done before I went in to work. My shift was 3 hours later than normal but I was up at my regular time and just galloped along. There was alot to do when I got in there, and that is awesome! I love being busy. Boredom is a killer for me.

It was a super cold day, and really foggy, but as that burned off and the sun was shining so beautifully, I decided after work that I needed the beach. Not my big, wide-open sea-to-forever, just a little local one. Took care of the dogs, pulled on a sweater, grabbed camera and went to Mukilteo. Everett was still pretty socked in fog-wise, but I hoped that by the water it'd be clear enough.

It was. Not perfectly, but enough.

I don't know what it is, but as soon as I open the car door by the water I begin to settle. It's a drug of beautiful things to my soul...I block everyone and everything else out and just walk to the edge of the water and stand. And breathe in deeply. I hold my hands open and lift my face to the breeze, or wind, and let all of the negativity I am carrying flow out of me with the waves. This time of year it's insanity to go out into it, with temps today hitting a high of 34...but so hard to resist the urge. To just walk out waist deep and lie back on the surface...So amazing. Of course, I get the same effect on myself in any outdoor water situation, doesn't have to be ocean water, but the combination of smells and textures and sea birds is pretty tough to beat.

So, that's where I went. I have an immense amount of emotion in me right now (if anybody is reading this that knows me, then just be quiet. I know I ALWAYS have emotion...this is even more), and while the week's emotions haven't all been positive in nature, those have resolved and what I was left with today were the crazy and amazing ones. Good, positive, enjoyable, but nonetheless immense in nature. And threatening to overwhelm me. So...water.

I wasn't seeking answers, because there aren't any that I can see. And that's quite alright. It's just life. There aren't answers or resolutions to everything, no matter how badly I want for there to be. I can whine about it all I want, but the bottom line is that that's a waste of time and energy and definitely gets me nowhere. So...I took myself and those emotions out to the water and did my thing with the wind and the waves. Climbed the rocks, got locked onto them by being distracted while the tide came in...I always do that, darn it. Find a perch out on a point, sit and wonder and ponder every little thing, then look around and have an "oh sh*% moment. It's easy enough to get out of it...either climb the rocks up and out or decide to walk in the surf and back out.

I just want to enjoy these feelings. They are big, but they are happy at the base of their nature. They'll never be allowed to grow bigger, or turn into anything more, but that's alright. I'm good with it. I just don't want them to go anywhere yet...

It's such a confusing, but exhilarating, time. So many changes still going on, and while I'd like to be able to choose where things are going to land, I can't...and in truth, maybe I don't want to. I don't know.

ANYWAY, the point was...I'm feeling kind of happy, in a big emotion way. I like my job, am crazy grateful for it. I like my home, enough...getting used to it finally. Making changes and plans for it, after all this time. And I am getting used to not being criticized every time I turn around for every tiny little thing. No, really.

I love my friends, all of them. They matter so much to me, I worry and think about them every day. I'm super grateful for them in my life. There are a few that helped make sure that I didn't fall off the edge of the world a couple of years ago. They won't ever know in this life what it has meant to me...there aren't words...unless they end up going through the same, and I don't want that to happen to anybody. But I feel the gratitude for their sassy quips and deeply loving hugs so strongly. I couldn't tell them what was happening and it didn't matter. For the first time in a very long time I felt truly loved and cherished by people who didn't have to, who only knew that I had a deep need for warmth and acceptance, and they gave it. I had forgotten all about that in my life and I felt withered and unworthy when they offered. I still am unworthy, but as I said, deeply grateful. I don't shrink from it anymore, and I do hope that they can feel love in return.

I am so happy that I have a sister and 3 brothers whom I love. That's another post, but they live in a place in my heart that is special and held just for them. I wish we were closer in all respects, in age and experiences and distance and communications.

I'm happy that I've re-discovered my love for music and dancing. It was very scary for awhile, music that always brought me joy or solace carried nothing but intense pain and I was lost...I dreaded going to stores because I knew that they be playing music and I couldn't take any of it. Ugh.

And now I am falling asleep sitting here. I'll do more in the morning...
But all I really wanted to say was, I am happy. :) And I'm heading out to track down the eclipse in the morning.
Be happy back.
It's a glorious moon out tonight.
Let yourself think that somewhere under that moon are people who know you and love you. If you're lucky enough, there may be someone wishing that you were with them under this moon, watching it and enjoying it together. Don't ever turn down the chance to love. Or to be a friend. Or stand at the beach or toss a rock or throw a snowball, sing a song, give a hug, look at the stars, stay up too late and get up too early.

So, 2 songs to enjoy: first is Steve Tyrell with Sunny Side of The Street, Father of the Bride 2

http://youtu.be/mN37DNqZP6w

and 2nd: A Wink and A Smile, Harry Connick Jr ;)



My thought for the day ~

I found a piece of this quote on a video that Yahoo has posted today

(http://yearinreview.yahoo.com/2011/blog/1263/inspiring-video/)

that shows some inspirational stories of the past year.

Not all of the inspirational bits, because there are too many to post in a short sequence such as this, but some points and highlights that touched the video-journalist's heart.

The partial quote struck me...

it was easy enough to track down the entire piece, and it is even more beautiful in that form.

So, my thought that I share with you for today, coupled with a status from a friend of mine, follow:

One must say Yes to life, and embrace it wherever it is found - and it is found in terrible places... For nothing is fixed, forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the moment we break faith with one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.

James Baldwin (1924 - 1987)

and the status:

(not attributing until i have permission to use his name, but not claiming it as my own)

"Wake up your sleeping; day to day you walk around like a sleeping giant, for you have so much to give, so much to show the world...but avast you are still sleeping"

Go do some good in the world around you today ~

make somebody smile.

Imagine that as you touch anything today, speak to it, look at it, that it becomes illuminated and more.

Feel the power and energy that you carry within you

and share it in every corner and in every step

that you take today.

♥♥♥

HI!

That's all, really. :)

I am just saying Have An Awesome Day!

:)

3 things

"They" say that during the Great Depression 3 things became much more popular...booze, cigarettes and sex. They were all "feel good" things that most people could find some way of enjoying.
I see that coming back these days. With the exception of cigarettes as being affordable. Good grief, I was behind someone last week in the store and a tiny little pack of store-brand type were $11.
Anway, in that spirit of things ~

still working the process...

It takes time to really let go.
It takes reminding yourself when you feel your mind and heart holding on...
and each time it takes the symbolic opening of your arms and hands, heart and mind, and releasing all claim and ownership...
each time, there is a ripping ~
this can happen several times a day during the early stages, and it can be tough.
When my marriage was ending, the pain of it literally took me to the floor each time. I simply couldn't stand under the onslaught of agony...my legs buckled and I began to shake. I was surprised at the force of the physical pain and dismayed...so much harder to hide that outward attack from the world.
This isn't like that. If the divorce set the bench-mark, then I think I'm prepared to handle most anything else that can come my way. I know that may seem like tempting the Gods, but I don't. I see it as a recognition of survival and an acceptance of extreme loss.
There is a huge difference, I believe, in having something ripped from you, and willingly releasing it. Some would say that the releasing is the easiest to take, because it is your choice. I disagree. I have been through both, and I say that choosing to let your dreams die, to willingly allow your heart to disintegrate, is much more painful and difficult. In the former example, you can use your anger at being left as a crutch for awhile. In the latter, you have nothing like that to lean against.
And, to be honest, I think that I most likely feel things too deeply. I wish I could change that. I've tried. I can't. So...I let go.

quotes

Just a selection of some quotes revolving around the theme for the evening. No particular order, no comments going to be made. They don't all apply completely, just bits and such, but they want to be shared and it's my job to help them out with that. Lol. :)

"Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

“It's weird...you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second...just so it can hurt a little more"

"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go"

"A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.”

"Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

“You don't need strength to let go of something. What you really need is understanding"

it's a melancholy night, baby ~

I don't like emotional drama.  

Whether it's from outside sources or from right inside my own head and heart.

~sigh~

My head and my mouth can spout all of the logic and rational thought that Mr Spock could possibly desire to hear out of a human, and I truly know it and believe it...but ~

 That blasted creature. 

Oh, it fights back all the blooming time.

I don't let it out of the crate...ever. It just doesn't have any sense, stupid little thing.

Someday, there's going to be someone who can take it. All the wagging and waving and "let's go for a walk" and chewing on shoes and then plopping down to snuggle all of a sudden. With the head of a top-secret, high-level analyst.

Right.

Makes me feel overwhelmed just writing that.

And it hurts.

I have always found it impossible to ask anyone to stay when they would rather not.

My heart always wants to holler and say all of the words floating inside of it, but my head takes over and becomes veeerrrry rational and knows that to keep someone with you when they want to be somewhere else is foolish and only prolonging the inevitable.

So, I let go again...not that I ever held on.

I wonder why I don't hold on? I wonder if that's a bad thing? I make sure that people know that I want them, that i need them...Do people really want for someone to go to that drama place? Isn't it putting alot of pressure on someone?

I don't know. I used to think that I did...but I think, now, that I don't.

Letting go

I hate being here.

But I hate being alone much more. So, I just take what I'm given and return it and enjoy what is there while it's there, making friends and working very, very hard to protect that friendship so it will stay. I am very careful to make sure that it is kept safe, because it is a precious thing. 

Someday there will be that somebody who will stay when i "don't hold on".

That will be the greatest thing. They will stay because it's where they want to be.

I will be happy.

Until then, I miss you, person that I don't know yet.

I tell the universe that I'm open to you, wherever you are, whoever you are (within reason...I am the straightest straight person alive, trust me on that. It has nothing to do with any stereo-typing or closed mindedness or anything. I just flat-out think that men are the most amazing creatures ever, period. Full stop).

I'm working on my stuff, taking care of business, learning and growing and living. I'm not waiting until you show up to start my life, but there will always be room in it for you if you ever get here.

And I'm keeping stupid in that crate.

Just thought I'd let you know.

sparks fly...

Lyric video so it's a package deal. :)

i remember...what hasn't happened yet, anywhere except in my heart...

Feeling the past moving in
Letting a new day begin
Hold to the time that you know
You don't have to move on to let go

Remember turning on the the night
And moving through the morning light
Remember how it was with you
Remember how you pulled me through

I remember (repeat)

Add to the memory you keep
Remember when you fall asleep
Hold to the love that you know
You don't have to give up to let go

Remember turning on the night
And moving through the morning light
Remember how it was with you
Remember how you pulled me through

I remember, i remember

Feeling the past moving in
letting a new day begin
hold to the time that you know
you don't have to move on to let go

Add to the memory you keep
Remember when you fall asleep
Hold to the love that you know
You don't have to give up to let go

I remember

You held my hand...

It's time you see
The love you give
Is killing me
And I wanna live
This isn't right
Search your soul for light
So I turned left and told myself
I could be as bad as someone else
But I found it hard when an angel's on my right

But you held my hand
And took me right back down to hell
I have an angel on my shoulder
But a devil in my head

Why won't you go?
No means no
Your dirty life is like a one man show
Your a night attack
You turn the light to black
So I turned left and told myself
That I could be as bad as someone else
But I found it hard when an angel's on my right

But you held my hand
And took me right back down to hell
I have an angel on my shoulder
But a devil in my head

Talk to me
Walk with me
Come with me
Beautiful lady
Beautiful lady
Will you come and save me?
Come to me, come back here
Walk with me, come back here

But you held my hand
And took me right back down to hell
I have an angel on my shoulder
But a devil in my head
Come back here