Who knew? Not me...

If you had told me, a couple of years ago, that in 2011 I would celebrate a day that I  had viewed as a death, I honestly would have run from you...because you were a cruel freak.

So, I was wrong.

It isn't a hard thing for me to do, to apologize, to admit my error. I view it as a necessity to living well with others. I can't fathom taking the energy to cover up a mistake and to perpetuate the lie that it wasn't made. So much better, in all respects, to just face up and meet the charging bull, snarling dog, irate person...whatever it is you picture.

So, to the person that I would have declared insane, I apologize. In fact, there may be a few. If you read this, know that I'm sincere. I mean it. You were right.

How long I lived with a man who did not want to be with me...continued to pretend that everything was great. Both of us did. I thought that if I willed everything good at it, then things would be alright. If I did everything I should, then things would be alright. If I became everything that he asked for, got rid of everything that he didn't like, did everything that he wanted, then things would be alright. I've been down this road before...

Things weren't alright.

They weren't ever going to be alright.

But I didn't know that. It's like the Pink song, "Who Knew". I knew, that's who knew. I knew I could make it happen...

there was no way...

K ~ So. Fast Forward.

I lost one anniversary, but I gained another. One that I was sure would cause me agony each time that day rolled around, year after year. I just couldn't see any other way it could be, no matter how hard I tried.

I could only see it as a symbol of a failure, a rejection.

Who Knew?

Not me.

No way could I have conceived that it would become a day that I would celebrate.

Not even when the day came around this year did I know.

Until I woke up that morning.

I usually get out of bed right away and get going with the day. When I wasn't alone in my bed there was a reason to lie there, to wait, to be...but for the past couple of years, there is none, so I just get out and the day is on.

But that morning, a couple of months ago, I woke up, and I just looked up at the ceiling for a minute. I actually took some inventory of my state of being and surroundings...window, sun coming through. Temp, kind of cold in the house, darn it. Dog on my foot, cat on my head...

Then came the question that I just don't ask... "how do i feel?".

My feelings are loud enough as they are. I don't like to open the door and ask them on purpose how they're doing. Good grief, only an idiot would do that! I know what it looks like in there! It's the point, again, in the horror movie when the 1st victim opens that damn door and everyone is screaming, "DON'T DO IT".

But I did.

I really wasn't sure what  I was feeling. I ran the checklist...sad? Hmmm...not really. Mad? Nope. Resentful? Well, always a little...I resent that he held on when he should have left long ago. Not sure that there's any real rational thinking there, so I'm not going into it. Curious? YEAH, totally, now.

Why wasn't I really mad? Sad? What was going on?

Got up, did the morning biz, headed out the door to work.

On the short drive in, it came to me in a flash. And as soon as I pulled into the Monkey parking lot, I set it as my status for the day on Facebook.

It's been on my mind the past couple of days, and revisiting some of these posts, I see that it's standing under the test of light and weight. It's a sound and true statement from me. I went back through my posts (if you know how much I post, you'll know that it took awhile!) and found it.

I'm sharing it here, so that it can take it's place in the log of progress, growth, experience.

The day that was supposed to be the anniversary of my death, failed to be such. In the eternal spirit of renewal, it has become the anniversary of life.

It has become a day that I will cherish. Not in a sick or twisted angry way, because I am still very sad that the dream died. But in a very real way, as proof of survival and hope.

Treat it well...it is precious to me.

And thank you, for anyone who is sharing this journey with me. I log it for myself, but I hope that it puts good in the world somehow.

(btw...i've never had so many "likes" on a status as on this one. so grateful for those friends who stood by me and held me up when i needed it, looked away when i bared my ugly soul, allowed their ears to hear my cries and made me laugh when they knew that it was all that would save me)

"Happy, happy day for me. Anniversary of a day that I thought was the end of my life...it wasn't. It was the day my personal tomb opened and I walked back into the world of the living. Hasn't been easy, hasn't been painless, but looking back over the path of the past year, it's been freaking amazing...what a ride. Sometimes that nail that you think is the final one INTO the coffin is really the final one OUT. Celebrate my day with me...make it beautiful for yourselves. :)"

October 15