What ends up here in the blog are the immediate thoughts pulled from the intense feelings that build up inside of me. I can't paint or draw, but I write, so I attempt to give them a place to express themselves and get them the heck out of me. They don't always make a lot of sense, I imagine, to anybody else, but I recognize them for what they are and putting them down serves my reason for ever doing any of this.
But, I want to remember to put down the intense joyful feelings and experiences that I have as well as the painful and confusing issues. I know that it's only that I KNOW what to do with the happy things that they never come here. Those are the ones that I want to keep and wear and play with. The others I am never sure of how to manage them. They are BIG big feelings and I'm just struggling to deal with the power and strength behind them. My other coping mechanisms are gone~
Today I had a nice morning, got lots done before I went in to work. My shift was 3 hours later than normal but I was up at my regular time and just galloped along. There was alot to do when I got in there, and that is awesome! I love being busy. Boredom is a killer for me.
It was a super cold day, and really foggy, but as that burned off and the sun was shining so beautifully, I decided after work that I needed the beach. Not my big, wide-open sea-to-forever, just a little local one. Took care of the dogs, pulled on a sweater, grabbed camera and went to Mukilteo. Everett was still pretty socked in fog-wise, but I hoped that by the water it'd be clear enough.
It was. Not perfectly, but enough.
I don't know what it is, but as soon as I open the car door by the water I begin to settle. It's a drug of beautiful things to my soul...I block everyone and everything else out and just walk to the edge of the water and stand. And breathe in deeply. I hold my hands open and lift my face to the breeze, or wind, and let all of the negativity I am carrying flow out of me with the waves. This time of year it's insanity to go out into it, with temps today hitting a high of 34...but so hard to resist the urge. To just walk out waist deep and lie back on the surface...So amazing. Of course, I get the same effect on myself in any outdoor water situation, doesn't have to be ocean water, but the combination of smells and textures and sea birds is pretty tough to beat.
So, that's where I went. I have an immense amount of emotion in me right now (if anybody is reading this that knows me, then just be quiet. I know I ALWAYS have emotion...this is even more), and while the week's emotions haven't all been positive in nature, those have resolved and what I was left with today were the crazy and amazing ones. Good, positive, enjoyable, but nonetheless immense in nature. And threatening to overwhelm me. So...water.
I wasn't seeking answers, because there aren't any that I can see. And that's quite alright. It's just life. There aren't answers or resolutions to everything, no matter how badly I want for there to be. I can whine about it all I want, but the bottom line is that that's a waste of time and energy and definitely gets me nowhere. So...I took myself and those emotions out to the water and did my thing with the wind and the waves. Climbed the rocks, got locked onto them by being distracted while the tide came in...I always do that, darn it. Find a perch out on a point, sit and wonder and ponder every little thing, then look around and have an "oh sh*% moment. It's easy enough to get out of it...either climb the rocks up and out or decide to walk in the surf and back out.
I just want to enjoy these feelings. They are big, but they are happy at the base of their nature. They'll never be allowed to grow bigger, or turn into anything more, but that's alright. I'm good with it. I just don't want them to go anywhere yet...
It's such a confusing, but exhilarating, time. So many changes still going on, and while I'd like to be able to choose where things are going to land, I can't...and in truth, maybe I don't want to. I don't know.
ANYWAY, the point was...I'm feeling kind of happy, in a big emotion way. I like my job, am crazy grateful for it. I like my home, enough...getting used to it finally. Making changes and plans for it, after all this time. And I am getting used to not being criticized every time I turn around for every tiny little thing. No, really.
I love my friends, all of them. They matter so much to me, I worry and think about them every day. I'm super grateful for them in my life. There are a few that helped make sure that I didn't fall off the edge of the world a couple of years ago. They won't ever know in this life what it has meant to me...there aren't words...unless they end up going through the same, and I don't want that to happen to anybody. But I feel the gratitude for their sassy quips and deeply loving hugs so strongly. I couldn't tell them what was happening and it didn't matter. For the first time in a very long time I felt truly loved and cherished by people who didn't have to, who only knew that I had a deep need for warmth and acceptance, and they gave it. I had forgotten all about that in my life and I felt withered and unworthy when they offered. I still am unworthy, but as I said, deeply grateful. I don't shrink from it anymore, and I do hope that they can feel love in return.
I am so happy that I have a sister and 3 brothers whom I love. That's another post, but they live in a place in my heart that is special and held just for them. I wish we were closer in all respects, in age and experiences and distance and communications.
I'm happy that I've re-discovered my love for music and dancing. It was very scary for awhile, music that always brought me joy or solace carried nothing but intense pain and I was lost...I dreaded going to stores because I knew that they be playing music and I couldn't take any of it. Ugh.
And now I am falling asleep sitting here. I'll do more in the morning...
But all I really wanted to say was, I am happy. :) And I'm heading out to track down the eclipse in the morning.
Be happy back.
It's a glorious moon out tonight.
Let yourself think that somewhere under that moon are people who know you and love you. If you're lucky enough, there may be someone wishing that you were with them under this moon, watching it and enjoying it together. Don't ever turn down the chance to love. Or to be a friend. Or stand at the beach or toss a rock or throw a snowball, sing a song, give a hug, look at the stars, stay up too late and get up too early.
So, 2 songs to enjoy: first is Steve Tyrell with Sunny Side of The Street, Father of the Bride 2
http://youtu.be/mN37DNqZP6w
and 2nd: A Wink and A Smile, Harry Connick Jr ;)
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