Taking a quick break from working on a writing project...have to clear my head, my own voice began creeping in and I needed to boot it back out. I guess it wants to be heard somewhere, little pooper.
Spent time this morning working on several things. Christmas is coming and as always, these past few years, I am woefully behind in getting any of the things I started actually finished. With the bakery closing this weekend, I've been pushing to get as many documented hours in as I can...it'll be okay, beating back just a bit of panic. It's all part and parcel of what I knew would be coming in to play, and it's all good, it really is. In the bigger scheme and picture, I'm not panicked at all. That's my biggest concern. Fortunately, circumstances there are happening that serve it all quite well, so keeping that in mind and surfing well is what matters.
Younger daughter had her interview with the college to discuss her application for entrance into the U3 program. She's been through the written bits, the tests, the orientation rounds, and this was the final step, the personal interview. It went great, she's in for this coming Winter quarter. Yay! I'm checking in to CC's further south to see how possible transfers occur, since we will be relocating. Hoping for house to hit the market around the first of the year, and with any luck it will sell by spring. H&R starts up again in 2 weeks or so, that'll be decent income coming in...i have to laugh a little at that. Decent income. We live almost 2 grand under poverty level and I call it a decent income. Perception, I suppose. We do without many things that others consider necessities and run on the super cheap with the rest, so that we can do the little things that we enjoy so much. Ah well. Onward...so she's in. I'm very glad. My girls are bright, and motivated as long as anxiety doesn't trip them up. I'm not saying that it's anybody's fault, we make our own confidence, really...but I often wonder what it would be like if they had the support and encouragement of their dad. But that's neither here nor there, so onward.
Speaking of their dad...communication. I shared daughter's success with him and he needed reminded again of the entire situation. Now, in one respect, I get that, no problem. Except that I've had to repeat the entire thing so many times now...part of that is his continual suspicion that there are deceptions and subterfuges happening. If he plays dumb and you have to say it again and again, then the inconsistencies and errors will show themselves and you'll get the "real" story. It's a common thing with people, I see it often and know it immediately. Interestingly enough, that was a steady source of difficulty between us. My honesty and style of communicating unsettled him so much that he was certain it was to hide something else. Of course it would, he is from a culture where veiled deception is standard, accepted and expected. No one is surprised by it, no one is upset by it, it's just standard MO. That's not a judgmental statement at all. It's factual. When I began to realize, after 2 decades together, that we were so deeply and fundamentally different and that my clumsy attempts to cross over and communicate in a style that he could begin to not only understand but trust were merely seen as patronizing and mocking, and deceitful even though they weren't, I dealt with a fair amount of despair. I had always believed that truly believing in something could make it so...not a lie, that's always just what it is. But believing that I could bridge the chasm. Turned out, I could only go so far on my own. Had he been able to meet me, or at least believe me...well, maybe something would have been different. If 24 yrs of example wasn't enough...well, I couldn't show him in any other way. And I guess I gave up trying.
As an aside, decided it's time to sell the jewelry. The rings and such. They're just sitting in a box, no sense in that. Reminders of...what? I went through the photo box last week or so, and for the first time in many years looked at our wedding photos. God, we were so young...babies. I was 21. WHAT?? What the hell were we thinking? But, other than the residual sadness, and strange feeling of looking at pictures of people I know that I once knew, there was no real pain. I even smiled at a few of the sillier ones. I think that when we stopped laughing, well...laughter is magic. I can always laugh at myself, and I only giggle a bit at someone I care about because they are delightfully "whatever they are" at that moment. Yeah. Time to do it. It's all a process. It's just stuff. It didn't make anything, protect anything, stop anything. Just stuff. People. They matter. The stuff, never ever did. Never ever will. Not for me. I'm fine if it matters to someone else, that's their choice. But a heart...that's not about stuff. That's about giving and loving and supporting and laughing and working and all the stuff of life. My happy doesn't rely on stuff and never did.
WTF?
What happened??
Wow, another rabbit trail. Damn bunnies.
So, the school thing. And then the work thing, he kept asking why I was still working. Same date, same conversation, over and over. Oh well. No matter. He did think of both girls for Christmas, which is always so nice. I'm glad that happens. NOT the "thing" part of it, but the being interested in them part. Things are easier for him, it's safer than giving of self. Another fundamental difference. I suggested that he think about getting younger daughter art supplies, since that's her passion. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it here, but he's quite a talented artist as well. Paintings of his have, in the past, won awards and been featured in shows. It's been many years since he's painted, but he was a bit pleased to hear that daughter appears to have the same gift and he had a good time shopping for her. Older daughter has been trying to save for a coffee/espresso machine so I offered that as a possibility. I thought, she and her fellow enjoy and drink coffee daily, and every time she uses it maybe it'll bring a happy thought to mind in association with her dad. That's pretty much my motivation. They are family. I'd like for them to have a relationship that isn't dependent on me, eventually. I can hope.
You know...hang on, this may be a squirrel run, instead of a rabbit thing...
I used to feel very strongly in BELIEVE. And I still do, but not in quite the same way. BELIEVE is what I had before, what I mentioned above. When I had my last, most intense and potentially destructive breakdown, which I've been trying to finish a piece about btw, BELIEVE was taken from me. A major life philosophy. Gone in a second.
I lost everything in that breakdown. I had a moment of a true break with reality, just a moment. And it took me 2 years to recover from the ptsd associated with that most brief moment in my life. 2 years of regaining my filter of life enough to begin to believe in anything again. The first thing that I began to believe in was what took the place of BELIEVE in that time...
HOPE.
But that's another topic.
HOPE, and a small, silly doggy girl named Lola, saved my life. After this happened to me, even the divorce was a minor event in comparison. Enough.
With the loss of BELIEVE, as it was, it became something else. And now, when I say that I know...I know. It's been born out time and time and time again.
Onward.
I'm done talking about their dad for now. He's not a bad man. Not in the least. I cared very much for him, and I will always care about him. Sunday I needed to be up on the island, and as I went through the little town, I went by the house we lived in when we separated. There were Christmas lights on the shrubs out front, the landscaping I had put in. I'm glad they are still there. I wasn't feeling nostalgic, that house was his from the beginning, it didn't fit me in the least. It's big and grand and quite the "such such". I furnished it, and did so quite well, decorated it (yeah, I can clean up well, i know how), did the landscaping (thank you EHS landscape design and horticulture). I was curious. I was really happy to see the lights out front. He's happy. And that makes me glad. He's a good guy. He tries, he does. Sometimes his tries are fine, sometimes I'm not sure they're in the universe...but at the end of the day, he'll be there for the girls, one way or another. In time, they'll all realize that that's pretty much all that matters. That's my HOPE. I choose to BELIEVE that is how it will end up.
A good friend had surgery yesterday. I suppose it wasn't actually spinal surgery, but cervical surgery. An earlier fusion in neck vertebrate had resulted in the deterioration of the few above and those needed fused as well. Previous plate removed, new inserted, to cover all the above. There were some extenuating circumstances that made it very important to me to be there. Nothing that I can verbally explain beyond knowing that I would be, that I should be. And so, I was, along with another good friend and mum. Surgery went very, very well, and it appears that recovery will do the same. No loss of voice this time, so I didn't get my chance to shake a finger and kindly scold. As it turned out, I didn't need to. Those thoughts had already been at play, and as the discussion progressed later in the day I could easily tell that exactly what I had been prepared to say wasn't necessary. Whew. :) A long day, nonetheless. Gone from home for 14 hours, thankfully my best girl friend was on hand if younger daughter needed anything.
I got home, had a delightful, if fast, chat with a worn-out someone who had been facing a big day and who had been very much on my mind...the day went beautifully well, btw...and I decided to head to bed. HA.
I couldn't get the thought of wishing I could just pet that someone into sleep out of my head(right? Pathetic, I know. I give up. Mock me, flog me, it is what it is), so I ended up doing a full cardio workout and banging away on the same project that I left to come here and dribble along. Very glad to hear this evening that the day had been another good one, good news on the work front...and home on Saturday.
Saturday is the day to be, I suppose.
Winter Solstice.
Bakery closing.
Home.
k.
Enough dribbling. I'm going to do more work and then need to head to bed if sleep feels possible. Early into the bakery to make cookie dough, a split shift day.
Thanks for the space to dump.
No song. Does any of this tie together? Not sure. Too convoluted, I think.
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