I feel you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTKJ_itifQg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

golly

What a night.
Rough one for my miss Molly cat. I watch my critters, they always let me know when it's time for "that" trip to the vet...my girl told me during this night.
This will be rough.
I'll need someone to go with me, so that I'll have to hold it together until I'm where I don't have to hold it together. She's been a mom, almost. 20 years is a long time with my close companion. I don't remember her not with me.

And Dakota told us that he is heading back north this weekend, back home with his folks. The kids are very sad. He'll still be around for visits at times, but not here always. It's best, for him, and for that reason I'm glad. But I'll miss him. Very much. He's been a joy to have around. I've appreciated him for who he is.  So, tears, loud music, food and a forest of weed emanating from the room.

I knew yesterday morning that a change was imminent, in that situation.

Good news from older girl, bf still has a job. And always wonderful to sirens time with her.

Difficult question asked.

Open window night...and frog songs.

Now to focus on some sleep.

Age

Age. 

This is a picture of me that I took an hour or so ago, just ready to go ahead and soak in that tub. 

See those lines by my mouth? 

I remember when those appeared...4 yrs ago, almost overnight. And the rest, as well. Boom.

I don't feel them. 

But they're there. 

Age. 

Getting older may suck, especially for a woman where  looks are concerned...but it beats the alternative, I suppose. 

I don't think that any of us ever gets used to it, though. 

The days of character overtaking the days of...well, beauty was never a companion, but pretty happened every now and again. 

There's my womanly whatever for the night. 

...

But I'm distinctly uncomfortable with being less subtle...

Oh Lord.

And...about certain things I'm as dumb as a stick.

Why.

I mean, I took on the closet door. I took on the kids. I took on my boss. I took on my former spouse, no battles, just asking the questions that needed asked.

Can't I get a freebie here?

Well, i suppose it's either ask it...or not.

Better decide how I'll feel if the answer sucks.

Suddenly feeling far too tired for my bath.

Ugh.

Angel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1GmxMTwUgs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

A battle.

I shall be victorious.
I have a demon closet door from the blackest pit of all that oozes the most vile of cess and sputim.
No.
I'm serious.
I took the track off this morning in my next attempt to fix it.
Then I bought stock in bandaids.
Off to see my first born and perhaps stop by the vortex known as Home Depot.

Dammit.

I get so fucking tired of being frustrated by trying, and needing, to be able to DO it all.
Oh well.
Play those cards your dealt and knock another thing off the list of life.

http://www.margielawson.com/lawson-writers-academy-courses

February night

Snow day, gone.
On my bed, window open
Sounds of rain, falling
Running through gutters
Scent of clean air
Cold
Cars on the highway, sound traveling unlike winter sounds...
Candle
Smooth skin, bare
With soft blanket
Leg wrapped over
Around
Pillows beside me
Door closed, almost, cats have to be able to leave, but other kids here tonight.
Sink
Soft
Sweet
Voice
Sleep
Tomorrow I have to see the girls dad, and I hope...
But.tonight
Dreams

Gnite
Xoxox

a life span

Is there a life span for a blog?

I've begun wondering if it's time to close this one down.

I've been speaking to myself for so long, for so many years...I've heard all I have to say about so many things in all those so many years. 

I'm beginning to feel that I'm out of anything useful to share. 

And I think I've revealed all that I ever will to the "general public" such as this is, occupied and trolled by blogbots alone. 

I don't know. 

I don't want this to be a daily true-confessional. 

I want to talk about it to someone, with someone. I want advice. Guidance. 

and so. 

Stuff

Just stuff.
Much of life is stuff, be it good or bad or indifferent. Yesterday was a variety.

Work was good, slower so I was able to put the place to rights after the day before, which was, imo, 4 Wednesdays shoved into a Thursday.

Quick grocery trip to grab a couple things for a dinner for my very best girlfriend, who's got a tough thing to do today. We see each other all the time, but haven't had a moment to really talk and listen. Things in our lives aren't at places where that is acceptable, so.

Home to a disaster, threatened the young folk in the house who then, bless them, fixed it all. Cooked dinner, tossed out in the oven. I had some time left over and decided to be a girl.
:)

You know, despite the hormones, the emotions, the trouble with jeans, bad hair days, I really do like being a girl. I like all the fluff and pink, soft and silly, silky, pretty, sparkly things of being a girl.

It's a good thing.

And I'm not a stalker. I'm simply observant at awkward times.

Anyway, it was a good night, dinner, ridiculous drinks, movies, much talking and hearing.
I think she's ready for today.

Nothing like a full night of sleep, an early morning, a good workout, a banana with peanut butter and strong, strong hot coffee to chirk a girl back up. Well, more would be nice also, but this works. 

I'm a blessed person. 

I'm a happy person. 

I'm strong and I know that, and I also know that I'm not always strong. It's the small that hides itself.

I've got big stuff on the block, and I'm scared but that's okay. I not only CAN do this, I WILL do this. And I know that. 

I'm a grateful person. 

I have amazing people in my life.

And another day to fill and live. 

Feeling a bit out of sorts tonight. Very hard day at work, which I don't mind, but it wore me down. I'm hungry a bit but too tired to eat. I'm tired and I'll sleep. I have many thoughts running in my head which will have to run or rest.

Daughter was in a small accident, she's fine.

Except for a little weed trimming, and a damn closet door and a few other tall things, the house is ready.

Reading a book which is humorously fascinating and horrifying at the same time. I feel icky until I remember that I am NOT these people. And that the awareness of the reality of this experience is in large part what kept me from ever going there.

And other things. I hope all is well.

And so, tonight again, I'll wrap my body up in a blanket, rest my head on my pillow, send good thoughts out into the world in a direction or two, and call it good.

Even if it isn't. I have to call it such.

Friends

At a wedding.

There's significance here, but I need to go to bed now. So posting, to write later.

...i thought i heard him say...

The Vampire Diaries has some great music collected.

And HISS all you want, so do the Twilight movies.

Kongos

Come With Me Now

Come with me now

Come with me now

Come with me now

I'm gonna take you down

Come with me now

I'm gonna show you how

Come with me now

I'm gonna take you down

Come with me now

I'm gonna show you how

Afraid to lose control

And caught up in this world

I've wasted time, I've wasted breath

I think I've thought myself to death

I was born without this fear

Now only this seems clear

I need to move, I need to fight

I need to lose myself tonight

Come with me now

I'm gonna take you down

Come with me now

I'm gonna show you how

I think with my heart and I move with my head

I open my mouth and it's something I've read

I stood at this door before, I'm told

But a part of me knows that I'm growing too old

Confused what I thought with something I felt

Confuse what I feel with something that's real

I tried to sell my soul last night

Funny, he wouldn't even take a bite

Far away

I heard him say (come with me now)

Don't delay

I heard him say (come with me now)

Come with me now

I'm gonna take you down

Come with me now

I'm gonna show you how

Afraid to lose control

And caught up in this world

I've wasted time, I've wasted breath

I think I've thought myself to death

I was born without this fear

Now only this seems clear

I need to move, I need to fight

I need to lose myself tonight

Come with me now

Come with me now

I'm gonna take you down

Come with me now

Well

I made the decision to go back through the earlier entries and draft, or delete, a handful of them. 
These things no longer matter in my life.
I left many, most...but it was time.

Now. On to edits and mailings. 

Tonight

You know those days at work, when the pressure is intense, the pace relentless, the public unforgiving and your co-workers are depending on your abilities and insight to keep them safe, literally, and make it happen for everyone?
That is the tax office in peak.
I love it.
I curse it.
Anyway. It's great. Without arrogance in the least, I can say that I'm fairly decent at my job. And that feels good.

Now, after a hard workout, a hot bath. Bubbles, strawberry scented bubbles. Cinnamon tea. Candlelight. A fantastic book. Soft music. A common ritual for me but appreciated to the fullest, always. To take a moment, be a girl...scrubbed soft and smooth skinned, hair up, relaxed, warm, pink and happy. Do my nails, lotion, silky things to wear. I'm not young and lovely any longer, but I don't feel old. I feel. Everything beautiful.

Best laid plans fall aside when the subject gets chilled.

Seriously.
There are two times a year, at least, when I am freezing. It lasts about a week, and no matter what I do, I can't get warm for very long. I mention it because this time it is being disruptive.
Actually, this round started 2 wks ago when daughter was pulling her nonsense, hiding the things I knew about, had asked about. I'd be fine, then I'd begin to shake. I know that in my panic days I would run hypoglycemic, not to the point of medications, but close management.
Right now I'm buried in bed under blankets, in shirts, sweaters, socks, thermals, fuzzy pants, hat, after having run up here from a long enough visit to the fireplace to stop the quaking down to mere shaking. It hurts. Wth. I don't get it. And I don't like it.
I had things to do tonight, but I can't sit at the desk. I tried, all wrapped up. That's the stuff that frustrates me. Is it a reverse menopause thing? I know that im technically in that state, from my hormone levels at the last pap, but I rarely, if ever, have hot flashes...usually only when it's just freaking hot and everybody is feeling it.
I'm not rail thin, although if my skin were tight like it should be I'd be a 0-2 in my jeans, a 2-4 in everything now. So, there's padding, which I wish wasn't but oh well. It's not because of.that, then...I admit to typically consuming about 900 ca a day, adding weight work and.cardio. I.feel great every other moment excpet.these. One week in the fall,.one in early spring.
Ah, beginning to warm a bit more now. I had tea, juice and vitamins about 20 minutes ago...just kicked off the socks.
Rough night at work. Lots of folks owed back taxes and the irs takes that first...angry people, I think more scared than anything else. It doesn't get to me, but it's frustrating to deal with. Shaking started then.
Had a talk, well, made a few comments, to the girls' dad about the workload he's pulling. His first marriage ended because of his emotional and.physical.absence.due to work...she left. Ours fell to shit in part due to.the same, but it was his inability to be a part of.the unit of "us". He's doing the same thing now. I'd sure like for his first shot at a culturally similar relationship last. Strange trip, counseling the ex on how to stay married to the woman he left me for.
Ah. Warmer. Still shaking,  but it isn't visible. Hungry now. Quick bite, quick.sleep. I open that shop in the morning.
And drat it. Those things to send must wait another day.
Damn.

time for a password change, me thinks. Edit

Freakishly busy morning, settling in for a quick nap before work. Throat almost better, hallelujah.

And then thoughts, of this nature and another, perhaps still a third.

Daughter attempted to use "peer" pressure on me to get me to try something this morning. I laughed at her. It never worked on me when I was a kid, has never worked on me as a adult.How well do your kids know who you are?

Right.

Me, the most open and easily read person I know, as far as I know. Except for those things that I keep.

Still much to do today, and much to accomplish this evening after quirk. At least, a few things to put my rough edits in order to from their own sheet, and send over to someone.  Little by little.

A kitten is coming.

To A God Unknown is half done. I know I say it each time, but this is my favorite. I know Joseph. I understand these people.

And daughter. On again off again bfriend...he's taking her to a hardcore show for Valentine's Day. Seems fitting. I'm glad other friend's are going also.

So.

Moving on.  

And going to sleep now for an hour.

music

And daughter is singing.

A good day for skimming the smooth surface, taking care of visible business, and letting the unseen sift and settle. It'll sort itself and show me what needs managed.
It was an eventful weekend, full on all counts. It was a wonderful weekend, exhaustion notwithstanding. It was a lovely weekend, worries and all.
It was made quite clear to me, again, that I am not immune to unnecessary worry. The whole week was full of it and much self talk to diffuse it.
Panicking on the way home last night, daughter incommunicado, but while there WAS something going on, it was ok. Much good happened for her, that she made happen, out of her determination to not accept being deeply sad and afraid. When I talked with her, and her good guy friend, about the events of the 2 days, for each of us, I almost shouted with relief that she recognized her power over that demon fear. It was a beautiful thing.
And we reached a lasting detente over a matter. I'm grateful for that.
A nice 20 hours with a someone and family. Watching the dynamics and interactions was great, there's much open communication and that's most of the battle. I hope he does know that he's doing a fantastic job. There are bumps ahead but they'll make it through just fine. It helped me to see the many similarities between our families and to not let the unreal, imagined terrors of my parenting in this life haunt my heart. It's going to be ok.
I'd like for them to meet. They will when it's time, I suppose.
And now, that horrid Valentine's day is just 3 days away.
I. HATE. VALENTINE'S. DAY.
Because of the stress people begin to feel about what they are worried that other people's expectations are.
I have none. It's Friday. I will go to work.
Ermahgerd.
So now, sore throat from something most highly enjoyable that I wish I'd been able to make happen in hand, I shall take the car for its oil change.

My Personality Type: The Sensitive Doer

My Personality Type: The Sensitive Doer

Worry post

Okay. So you know it's been a hellacious couple of weeks...finally, the past day has felt much better.
Work is going well, daughter doing better, other daughter working on things...feeling better physically as well, although I'm in losing mode. Taking vitamins to help.
A dear friend is getting married later today, I'm helping with parts of it. They all pushed me to move past feeling awkward and invite a someone to the after party. I finally did, feeling awkward the whole time. I worry. I don't want for him to feel pushed. I tried to tell them that I wasn't sure if it would be a welcome invitation but they all threatened to circumvent me entirely, go online and invite him themselves.
Sigh.
It's not that I don't want him there. It'd be a blast. It's the actual "inviting a boy somewhere without getting the 'omg she wants to marry me' " worry flag raised..
.which I can't do anything about since I wouldn't be the one thinking.
:/
Well, the invite was sent. And I'm not sure. About anything. 49 yrs old, I'm still as awkward as I ever was.

At least I'm kinda excited to wear my  short, blue lace dress. :) And to dance. And play pool.
Gnite

And then.

***to draft or not to draft...how about, an edit?

always the question on my mind.

I almost drafted that piece. I've been misunderstood so often, I worry about but covering every space of thought it idea. People generally don't take the time, or even seem to realize that perhaps there is a need to clarify something, they take it as they understand life and the beautiful, precious thought is lost. Unappreciated. Gone.

So I typically struggle with these shares. Here is why.
I go back and reread, with someone else's eyes and mindset, and I see the dark places. Then I worry. And I decide that it's better to just pull the thought and keep it silent. But I get tired of that. I treasure this particular thought. So I'll go the route and clarify a few things that could have popped up.

When I talk about the things that I love to do, I don't mean that I have to do those alone. Company is almost always welcome...almost always, because there are times when the day has been difficult or I'm hormonal and I need a moment or 12 to debrief myself. The people I care about are always welcome in my world, without exception. They, however, may choose to not be while I decompress. I understand that it isn't always fun to be in a room with someone who has headphones in. I don't mind, and it doesn't bother me to be on that other end either. Hello's are said, acknowledgment given. Better understood?

Never a lack of regard or concern on my part. Because the biggest keys to any relationship are consideration and communication, trust and honesty, kindness and humor...add, acceptance and forgiveness when those other items fall through.

Am I closed to the idea? No. I guess what I really meant to say is that "it" was never my focus. And it still isn't.

Questions? Ask!
But there won't be. Blogbots don't ask, don't care.
Gnite. There's a book waiting for me.

another ramble of random things...that are all of one subject this time. For my girls...

With a friend's wedding close at hand, the topic of marriage has been tossed about quite a bit in my circle lately.

I find it interesting that there are often 2 assumptions made...

1: that I don't have any idea about marriage and it's complexities.

or

2: that I am opposed to it in all forms and functions.

Well.

Neither of those are even remotely true.

Not even remotely.

My girls and I have had many talks over the past couple of years re: marriage, and in my desire to answer their questions honestly, I made many discoveries about myself. Those, I notice, have changed little in the time since I was a girl myself.

So. Here are some of my thoughts regarding this institution that we call marriage.

1: I never thought that I would get married. Not that I wouldn't be asked, or that I wouldn't want to...just that I wouldn't. I didn't mind the whole kitchen and apron thing, totally wanted to do the kid thing although it scared me spitless, but i wanted the nature, work, creative thing also. I didn't know how to be married, I didn't have close examples of being married that were working well. I saw, and still do see, people who must have loved each other fighting and squabbling over every little thing with an absolute lack of respect or even just base kindness...and it troubles me still. Why can't they find it possible to feel happy? 

2: That said, I do believe in marriage. At the same time as I see the above, I see people married who stuck it out through the uglies, with the determination to make it work, now sitting back years later, happy together. Loving each other. Full of friendship and kindness, humor, contentment. I like that, it's what I had hoped mine would be. So, it IS possible. And I do know that. And I honor every marriage in my circle of life. Because, unlike that first assumption, I DO know about marriage and how complex it is. I DO understand the sacrifices, the forgiveness, the struggles, the tears, the laughter, the pain, the letting go and...the giving up. I learned so much about myself and life, people, relationships...pain...and growth, from my almost 25 years of being married. 

3: While I never expected, or worried, about being married, I did enjoy it for the most part, and I really wanted to succeed at something that I had no idea how to do. When my former spouse proposed, I was stunned. I hadn't even thought about being married. I was thinking relationship, that we had, but at that moment I realized it did not automatically go to marriage in my mind...and a part of me began to worry if I was normal... We were building a relationship. And when he declared his love for me, in an Arby's down by The Tacoma Mall, as I sat scarfing down a baked potato and glass of milk, I thought that maybe I wasn't so odd that someone couldn't love me. Then he asked me to marry him...albeit in another language, which almost made me laugh potato out my nose...and I just sat there and stared at him. Was he serious?? I even asked him that, milk carton in hand...

4: I do believe that children should be raised in a family with married parents, if possible. I'm not sure why I do feel so strongly about this. Because it seems right. Because I wasn't and that felt wrong. Because a child should feel that legal security and not wonder. Do they? I'm not sure. I was certainly not the poster child for "normal" family style upbringing, so I have no frame of reference on that. 

5: Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes. Most likely because it was expected and I couldn't really see a good reason not to. My worries were multifold. Had my upbringing prepared me for marriage? I wondered. Was I going to be like my much loved mum and just find fault at every turn? I didn't think so, that's not been my way, ever. Was I normal enough to be married? I say that, normal enough, because I have always felt that people shouldn't have to be connected at the hip to be together. People are individuals. They have their own dreams, desires, hopes and heartaches, their own goals and temperments. I knew that I needed quiet time to myself, being right on the cusp of introvert/extrovert, and I knew that I liked to star gaze and listen to the trees, talk with my pets and watch the clouds make shapes in the summer sky. I wanted to put headphones on and dance like a silly girl through the house while I cleaned or worked and have it still be okay. I wanted to eat my banana with peanut butter and make a meal out of green beans, pickles and cheese if that's what sounded good. And I wanted it to be okay. I wanted to still hop in the car and go for long drives to nowhere in particular, visit the beach in the winter, wear underwear if I felt like it and not if I didn't. I wanted to still dress pretty and do my hair, feel sexy, wear lingerie and not be questioned about why...because men, we do it for ourselves. I wear my corsets or my lace, wear my heels and my fishnet and wear it for myself. Not for anyone else except maybe the person i'm involved with if they want to enjoy. I wanted to do my frivolous mall walk and watch the people interact with each other, wonder about their stories and their lives. Not in an intrusive way. In a curious, character collecting type of way. Studying people and their choices of action/reaction has been an incredible learning thing for me in my life. I wanted to be allowed to still be me...

So why did I say yes? 

In my young foolishness, i could see my image of what was, to me, a solid happy healthy relationship, with two people loving each other but not owning or consuming each other, being real. Why not? I thought. I'd pictured it as a wonderful thing for as long as I could remember...And so, I said yes.

I talked with my mum and I told her that I'd do it once. I know she was hurt, feeling judged, but it wasn't that...we'd all said the same thing. We'd do it once, this marriage thing. 2 of the 5 have stayed married for several decades and are now in the golden payoff years. Another has been married to his 2nd wife twice as long as his first marriage...I was at 25 yrs. Anyway. 

She drove me to the courthouse and at a block away I panicked. Stop. Stop stop stop. She did. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was doing exactly what I said. I wasn't even aware that I'd said anything. My mind was running a million miles an hour. What was I doing? Was I sure? Was I positive this was right? Of course not. Who ever is? Why me? Why me? Why me???? I knew then that I was fairly sure that he didn't love me. But how could I not go through with it? I still had that dream, that image...And so. On the drive we went. 

6: As my girls were asking me about my feelings regarding marriage, I had to ask them...see, when the divorce was happening, those damn words..."who knows. maybe you'll even find someone who can get along with you"...those words haunt me. He's since taken those words back and apologized, telling me that I was easy to live with had he only understood, but they still haunt me. Because, with him, it wasn't okay to dream. To hope. To have goals. To hop in the car and go for a long drive. To watch the clouds, to write, to work, sing, to dance like a silly girl through the house, to play the piano, to try new recipes, to eat my banana with peanut butter, to star gaze or listen to the world...so maybe that means that I am hard to live with or to understand. It terrifies me that I'll take that chance again and my different ness will mess things up again. I don't understand how they did, but they did. My acceptance and support was viewed with suspicion and my motives questioned always. I simply love. With my love comes acceptance. Support. Encouragement. Freedom to be who you are. Space to yourself when you want it, need it. I can't handle cheating in a relationship...that's my big thing. But I'll not doubt you until you prove that I should and then I'll still choose to trust until you prove me a fool. And i want the same in return. That IS my expectation. Let me be who I am as I let you. I don't lie. I honor trust. 

So, I asked my daughters...can you see me married? Honestly? When you see me, as I am, can you see me married?

They both said, to the right man, to the man who is like you are in this, then yes. BUT, they added, just as I was going to say, IF he's like you are, then is marriage even necessary?  

And I say, no. 

Marriage, for me, is not necessary. It isn't proof of love. Of loyalty. Of interest. It isn't necessary for a relationship to result in marriage in order to be real. Not to love. Not to support. Not to give, to encourage, to sustain. Not for friendship. or loving or laughter. Not for loyalty. 

This is what I know about me and this thing of love.

It is a verb. It is a noun. It is a beautiful thing. I give it freely to the one that I love. I give it without guile. It flows from me and to me. It isn't hippy dippy shit. It's real. Healthy. The journey together is the point. How that journey is conducted is individual. Why analyze it to death? Just be in what it is and feel it. Is it okay to miss someone? Yes. Is it okay to be alone? Yes. Is it possible to be alone, together? So many have argued this, but I say Yes. Is that even okay? YES! It is. 

Why can't 2 people love each other and continue to grow, both together and as their own people? Those points that they connect on, those fundamental points...if those remain the same, then let things be as they are and encourage each other to be your best selves.

 What makes me happy is that I see both of my daughters growing with this idea in their lives. Older daughter and boyfriend have no plans to marry, but no plans to end their relationship. They are accomplishing what I always thought could be. That's exciting to me.  However, should they choose to marry, I will support them without question, completely. 

So. That's my girlhood dream. It's a nice one. I think it's more than just that. I think it's how it should be, in whatever form the 2 involved choose it to be. 

Just love. 

And let it be. 

And now...goodnight.

Civil Wars. Pressing Flowers.

A hauntingly, beautiful song, as most of theirs are. 

Sorrow and beauty often run hand in hand. 

Loss and discovery are closely bound kin.

Love and heartache cannot exist alone.

And so, 

The Civil Wars

Pressing Flowers

Owen Meany

Such a night, talking with and hearing a young man's heartache and confusion. His family has fallen to bits and he needed a place to be in a fast way...a safe place. I've known him for years and his family as well. I feel sadness for his parents and brother, but more concern for him. We talked and he formulated a few plans, regained some focus and I'm grateful that we could offer him refuge for a day or so. 

Daughter is doing significantly better. 

Working on getting a project furthered somehow for a someone, spoke with a newspaper editor referred by a newspaper editor. It just remains to be seen if someone still wishes to pursue said venture.

Finished reading Owen Meany in the wee hours. 

Unbelievable. 

How incredibly powerful this story is. 

So many hauntingly beautiful and searingly painful parts of this book. 

I'll write more later. 

Now I have to pretend to be a mortal again and attend to the business of running an office.

House making progress, daughter repainted parts of her room, more carpet cleaned, we'll be rehoming the smaller, terrible dachs who should really be living a life as a boob pet. 

Now, on to taxes.

the moon

A poem. 

From long ago.

Where are you?

Moon?

Oh. There.

Hello. 

Look through the window, see a room, watching all.

A small face in your light. 

Security.

Tonight, the walk. 

A secret walk. 

Again.

Never told - no one knows.

No one cares.

Only you, Moon. 

Stay…?

So tired.

But it will happen.

Through the woods again. 

It’s always the woods.

Paths known, lit by you, Moon.

Always watching. 

Each walk begins the same.

Door opens - 

Quiet.

Footsteps soft…no noise.

Don’t make a sound. 

Step through.

Hand over mouth,

So quiet.

Eyes open wide,

 to see what isn’t there

Except in your light, Moon.

This path, well known.

Every step the same - but different.

So tired.

But it does happen.

Focus now - look.

See the grasses? 

Taller than before.

Strange - 

The tree…where is it?

With low branches to climb, 

To reach for you, Moon.

Show the fairy lights, where are they?

Trying.

Still quiet  - 

Shhhh…

Pain.

A sound…did a branch break?

Afraid - looking - is someone there?

Do they see?

Moon?

Are you here?

Don’t leave. 

i’m sorry.

i’m sorry.

Time to go.

Stay - light the way. 

Back through woods, grasses…still different, not as strange.

Back to the room. 

Shhhh…

Cold.

Door - open again.

Footsteps through.

Footsteps out.

One day, the walk won’t end.

The woods…

Stay hidden.

Quiet. 

So tired.

But it’s done.

Left in your light, 

Small. 

Never alone, with you, Moon.

Watching.

engines

How many search engines can access such a place as this silly blog?
Oh...before I forget...
"i own all this shit, not you."
Did that work?
No one can steal anything now, right?
;)
Google mexico
            australia
            russia
            vulcan...

interesting. 
Do you translate the pages?
Is it the only resource available for Sag sun/Scorpio moon?
Anyway.
At least the damn vampirestat seems to have calmed down.

and.

Feeling quite small and weak tonight. 

The trauma of the past week has passed and in my usual form, I'm reacting physically, now. A brief respite, a space of true relaxing and enjoyment ended a spot too soon, but daughter put the call out that she needed me home and of course I came right away. I'm very grateful for the advice that helped me remain calm and think through things last week, as those things are no longer in the picture. A small window of calm is here now, and I'm working to get the house finished and listed. There are spaces of painting that need done, and so I'll jump on that myself, I suppose. I'm not sure what happened, but it is what it is. 

I'm working to get back to my place of acceptance. 

My body is reacting oddly, shaking and cold. I'll sleep soon.

I do need to empty this point of major frustration and let it go again. It returns so often, but I'll free it each time and hope for the best.

I've always been adamently opposed to cosmetic surgery...that has changed. 

I want this saggy skin gone.
I want my boobs back. 

It seems so unfair to be constantly reminded in a negative way of an extreme success and accomplishment. Yet that's how it feels. 

And this week I'm frankly weepy over it.
Which I hate. 

I hate the thought that I might be so superficial, so surface oriented in this way. But there it is. Under it all my body is muscled and tight. I work hard at it, for myself. And for such a small space of time in my life, it seems terrible to carry this unrelenting scar of sorts. 

Is this shallow?

It must matter.

Does it really?

Mom, how I wish you were here. To just hear me and not judge, not scoff, not love me less. 

I don't like feeling small and vulnerable. 

I don't like feeling so exposed. 

I wish I could pull the covers back over me, to hide my scars, my confessions, my weakness, my dreams, my heart. 

It's a bit too late for all of that now, all I can hope for is compassion, understanding, kindness. Please, just replace the embarrassment and shock i feel with sweet kindness. 

I know. This is a terrible entry. 

But, I don't like feeling small.

Or vulnerable.
Exposed.

Afraid.

Open.

and yet...there it is. Here I am. 

And I wouldn't change a thing.