I find it interesting that there are often 2 assumptions made...
1: that I don't have any idea about marriage and it's complexities.
or
2: that I am opposed to it in all forms and functions.
Well.
Neither of those are even remotely true.
Not even remotely.
My girls and I have had many talks over the past couple of years re: marriage, and in my desire to answer their questions honestly, I made many discoveries about myself. Those, I notice, have changed little in the time since I was a girl myself.
So. Here are some of my thoughts regarding this institution that we call marriage.
1: I never thought that I would get married. Not that I wouldn't be asked, or that I wouldn't want to...just that I wouldn't. I didn't mind the whole kitchen and apron thing, totally wanted to do the kid thing although it scared me spitless, but i wanted the nature, work, creative thing also. I didn't know how to be married, I didn't have close examples of being married that were working well. I saw, and still do see, people who must have loved each other fighting and squabbling over every little thing with an absolute lack of respect or even just base kindness...and it troubles me still. Why can't they find it possible to feel happy?
2: That said, I do believe in marriage. At the same time as I see the above, I see people married who stuck it out through the uglies, with the determination to make it work, now sitting back years later, happy together. Loving each other. Full of friendship and kindness, humor, contentment. I like that, it's what I had hoped mine would be. So, it IS possible. And I do know that. And I honor every marriage in my circle of life. Because, unlike that first assumption, I DO know about marriage and how complex it is. I DO understand the sacrifices, the forgiveness, the struggles, the tears, the laughter, the pain, the letting go and...the giving up. I learned so much about myself and life, people, relationships...pain...and growth, from my almost 25 years of being married.
3: While I never expected, or worried, about being married, I did enjoy it for the most part, and I really wanted to succeed at something that I had no idea how to do. When my former spouse proposed, I was stunned. I hadn't even thought about being married. I was thinking relationship, that we had, but at that moment I realized it did not automatically go to marriage in my mind...and a part of me began to worry if I was normal... We were building a relationship. And when he declared his love for me, in an Arby's down by The Tacoma Mall, as I sat scarfing down a baked potato and glass of milk, I thought that maybe I wasn't so odd that someone couldn't love me. Then he asked me to marry him...albeit in another language, which almost made me laugh potato out my nose...and I just sat there and stared at him. Was he serious?? I even asked him that, milk carton in hand...
4: I do believe that children should be raised in a family with married parents, if possible. I'm not sure why I do feel so strongly about this. Because it seems right. Because I wasn't and that felt wrong. Because a child should feel that legal security and not wonder. Do they? I'm not sure. I was certainly not the poster child for "normal" family style upbringing, so I have no frame of reference on that.
5: Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes. Most likely because it was expected and I couldn't really see a good reason not to. My worries were multifold. Had my upbringing prepared me for marriage? I wondered. Was I going to be like my much loved mum and just find fault at every turn? I didn't think so, that's not been my way, ever. Was I normal enough to be married? I say that, normal enough, because I have always felt that people shouldn't have to be connected at the hip to be together. People are individuals. They have their own dreams, desires, hopes and heartaches, their own goals and temperments. I knew that I needed quiet time to myself, being right on the cusp of introvert/extrovert, and I knew that I liked to star gaze and listen to the trees, talk with my pets and watch the clouds make shapes in the summer sky. I wanted to put headphones on and dance like a silly girl through the house while I cleaned or worked and have it still be okay. I wanted to eat my banana with peanut butter and make a meal out of green beans, pickles and cheese if that's what sounded good. And I wanted it to be okay. I wanted to still hop in the car and go for long drives to nowhere in particular, visit the beach in the winter, wear underwear if I felt like it and not if I didn't. I wanted to still dress pretty and do my hair, feel sexy, wear lingerie and not be questioned about why...because men, we do it for ourselves. I wear my corsets or my lace, wear my heels and my fishnet and wear it for myself. Not for anyone else except maybe the person i'm involved with if they want to enjoy. I wanted to do my frivolous mall walk and watch the people interact with each other, wonder about their stories and their lives. Not in an intrusive way. In a curious, character collecting type of way. Studying people and their choices of action/reaction has been an incredible learning thing for me in my life. I wanted to be allowed to still be me...
So why did I say yes?
In my young foolishness, i could see my image of what was, to me, a solid happy healthy relationship, with two people loving each other but not owning or consuming each other, being real. Why not? I thought. I'd pictured it as a wonderful thing for as long as I could remember...And so, I said yes.
I talked with my mum and I told her that I'd do it once. I know she was hurt, feeling judged, but it wasn't that...we'd all said the same thing. We'd do it once, this marriage thing. 2 of the 5 have stayed married for several decades and are now in the golden payoff years. Another has been married to his 2nd wife twice as long as his first marriage...I was at 25 yrs. Anyway.
She drove me to the courthouse and at a block away I panicked. Stop. Stop stop stop. She did. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was doing exactly what I said. I wasn't even aware that I'd said anything. My mind was running a million miles an hour. What was I doing? Was I sure? Was I positive this was right? Of course not. Who ever is? Why me? Why me? Why me???? I knew then that I was fairly sure that he didn't love me. But how could I not go through with it? I still had that dream, that image...And so. On the drive we went.
6: As my girls were asking me about my feelings regarding marriage, I had to ask them...see, when the divorce was happening, those damn words..."who knows. maybe you'll even find someone who can get along with you"...those words haunt me. He's since taken those words back and apologized, telling me that I was easy to live with had he only understood, but they still haunt me. Because, with him, it wasn't okay to dream. To hope. To have goals. To hop in the car and go for a long drive. To watch the clouds, to write, to work, sing, to dance like a silly girl through the house, to play the piano, to try new recipes, to eat my banana with peanut butter, to star gaze or listen to the world...so maybe that means that I am hard to live with or to understand. It terrifies me that I'll take that chance again and my different ness will mess things up again. I don't understand how they did, but they did. My acceptance and support was viewed with suspicion and my motives questioned always. I simply love. With my love comes acceptance. Support. Encouragement. Freedom to be who you are. Space to yourself when you want it, need it. I can't handle cheating in a relationship...that's my big thing. But I'll not doubt you until you prove that I should and then I'll still choose to trust until you prove me a fool. And i want the same in return. That IS my expectation. Let me be who I am as I let you. I don't lie. I honor trust.
So, I asked my daughters...can you see me married? Honestly? When you see me, as I am, can you see me married?
They both said, to the right man, to the man who is like you are in this, then yes. BUT, they added, just as I was going to say, IF he's like you are, then is marriage even necessary?
And I say, no.
Marriage, for me, is not necessary. It isn't proof of love. Of loyalty. Of interest. It isn't necessary for a relationship to result in marriage in order to be real. Not to love. Not to support. Not to give, to encourage, to sustain. Not for friendship. or loving or laughter. Not for loyalty.
This is what I know about me and this thing of love.
It is a verb. It is a noun. It is a beautiful thing. I give it freely to the one that I love. I give it without guile. It flows from me and to me. It isn't hippy dippy shit. It's real. Healthy. The journey together is the point. How that journey is conducted is individual. Why analyze it to death? Just be in what it is and feel it. Is it okay to miss someone? Yes. Is it okay to be alone? Yes. Is it possible to be alone, together? So many have argued this, but I say Yes. Is that even okay? YES! It is.
Why can't 2 people love each other and continue to grow, both together and as their own people? Those points that they connect on, those fundamental points...if those remain the same, then let things be as they are and encourage each other to be your best selves.
What makes me happy is that I see both of my daughters growing with this idea in their lives. Older daughter and boyfriend have no plans to marry, but no plans to end their relationship. They are accomplishing what I always thought could be. That's exciting to me. However, should they choose to marry, I will support them without question, completely.
So. That's my girlhood dream. It's a nice one. I think it's more than just that. I think it's how it should be, in whatever form the 2 involved choose it to be.
Just love.
And let it be.
And now...goodnight.
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