sigh

Being a parent, especially a single one, isn't ever easy. To be honest, it's easier now than it was before, because I am able to let my younger daughter learn in the way that she needs to without the constant conflict. Her father is very much in the corner of "dictate and have obedience", and I can understand that. It's definitely safer emotionally for a parent if you are able to raise a child who will follow and submit to this theory. I, to a great extent, did, but then it was just my mom and I for almost my entire life at home, so I was allowed alot of the freedoms that I would have been going crazy for otherwise.
I think that it makes much more sense to guide rather than dictate. I know this doesn't always work well, in fact it is at times a complete fail. However, I think that the time that a child is at home is when they need to be working those wings and getting to know what they are, how they work, what they CAN do and what they CAN'T, while a family and a nest and a net are not on stand-by, but in solid practice.
That's just a brief overview...
my girl just ended a 6 month relationship with a young man(she is almost 15, btw). He's a good guy, good family...i like him alot. She isn't the easiest person to be with, but she learned alot while she was with him. I think that overall it's been a very good thing for both of them. They have had their ups and downs and trials and backfires and misfires...
But it's over. It needs to be.
She's tough, my little lion. She has good friends and she has been struggling to do this for quite some time now. It's sort of her dad's situation...not happy but not wanting to leave really, but then wanting to leave and then changing their mind in case they were wrong. If it happens so often, if the doubt is there so much and doesn't really ever ebb, it's time. Maybe it's the relationship, maybe it's just you. But the person you're with, if you're the one with the doubts, deserves to have someone who is there more than not. They will be hurt and confused, but man...they will heal. Trust me. I'm that person. Not the leaver.
So, I found some sayings while I was looking for something to post to her, but I'm going to just hold on to them for now. One, though, I wanted to post here:

My baby girl...
You have so many more adventures ahead of you, both good and bad...hell, wonderful and tragic. But what they all give you, the impressions that you keep, are what will be the fabric of you when you are done with this life.
Don't be afraid. Get out there and give it all a whirl.

This is funny to me...don't look if you don't like language...u have been warned, lol

This came across my fb wall from a page that i follow. I can't share it there because i have a wide variety of connections and many would find it highly offensive. Too bad, really. Anyway, here is a thought that i have several times a day:



December

Doesn't really mean anything...
the song is one of those perfect blends of layered textures. That's what it takes for a true classic. This will be around for a very long time.
The end of a relationship, doesn't need to be a love thing. Any relationship would apply here, if it were to end badly.
I prefer this vid to the "official", it's a very well done lyric by a fan.

Collective Soul ~ December.

...

:/

that's all.

says everything.

going to go for a long, long fast drive now.

be back by morning~

have a good night

Christmas update

Things are looking up.

I still haven't decorated yet, but I've taken care of alot of things that were in the way. Since my hours at work have been cut so drastically, I ended up with a 4 day weekend. It is nice to be able to just get into the grind and get caught up on stuff that's been sliding for a couple of months.

Got some tickets for a Nutcracker performance by a local ballet company...daughter has a friend, her best friend, over today/tonight and we saw a movie. Planning on driving her down to Oregon to stay with some friends for a couple of days during the break.

She seems happier.

So, that's all good.

Just wanted to let you know.

This is her favorite Christmas song right now:

edits

Hmmm...alot of editing going on...wish there was a way that people could know...

Nothing is static in life. Nothing that matters, at any rate. It's all fluid, it all changes. Perspectives, experiences, dreams/hopes/goals. Sometimes they evolve over time and sometimes it happens in many cycles over a day. :)

But nothing is set in stone, except for the following:

People will be born.

People will die.

People will love, will hurt.

People will learn. I know that one could be up for debate in alot of circumstances, but I do know that people learn. WHAT they learn I'm not touching, but it's learning, lol.

So...recent edits...

Melancholy Night, baby
Yeah, it was yours, but...

I think that's all.

Change is important. It's equally important to be aware of the changes that happen to the people in your life, to be open to it happening. It needs to happen. Don't waste time or energy being afraid of it. Just let it be. Things...get good again, if change brings sadness.

Really.

I am more ME now than I have been for many years and I love it. I feel true to myself, that I'm not hiding behind a mask or putting a false face to anyone. I don't just put it all out there, although it may seem like it. There's plenty that doesn't see light where it can be watched. I'm not transparent. Just true. Now, no matter how hard things get, or how sad the low days are, I feel a strength that was missing from me.

There. Maybe "edits" will be on the edit page soon. But, in particular, the changes to "It was yours", those are important. They are now TRUE.

Christmas

Wow.
It's almost Christmas.
Let's see...technically, today is the 14th, so that gives me 11 days.
Up to this very moment, I have not decorated anything.
I have not purchased anything.
I have not made anything.

As of this moment, taking stock of this situation, I feel like crap.

I hate to admit it, but I know that a part of it relates to not having anyone to do anything with on the holidays, no place to go and no money to do anything with. Now, don't get me wrong on that money comment. I am not a money whiner.
I hate the stuff.
Because we have to have it.

I don't rely on it for fun. I have to work so freakin' hard to make any that I try to not spend any at all if I can help it. There are things that are up for grabs in the money department...2 to be exact. Gas for the car (have to drive and love to drive...i can always drive to places that are free, lol) and movies. Not in excess, to me. Maybe 2 a month. Except for this month. There are 3 movies coming out that we are seeing.

But I worry about Emma. I know she's older, she's almost 15 now. But she doesn't like Christmas anymore.

That kinda breaks my heart.

It doesn't have anything to do with the money really...i don't think. We don't buy stuff. We go shopping alot, but it's window shopping. We go to Sephora and play with the makeup, try on anything we want to at any of the clothes stores(you ever tried on a pair of 350.00 jeans from Nordstrom? Don't waste your time. They wouldn't fit a paper doll well), etc. When we need to get clothes for real we do the thrift stores because it's like going through the closet trunk and finding treasures. Anyway...
it's not the money.

I think it might be like it was for me when i was a kid.
Just being lonely.
We don't know any other families that are alone during holidays. It's the 3 of us, usually; me, Shauna and Emma. And we have a good time. But there is this yearning for a party or get together's with friends. I know what just popped into your head, "Well, then, plan the stuff". Oh, trust me, I do. Everybody is booked. Always.
I've even invited people that I didn't even know the names of a few times. We do cookie plates and such and take them around the neighborhood.
Point is, we do try.
So it just dawns on me that Christmas is in 11 days.

I'd better get my ass in gear and figure out how to make this happen.
I can't let my girls hate Christmas.

oh...sigh.

if you want my autobiography

The song doesn't totally apply, just parts.

The lyrics that apply are below ~

"Who Knew"

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Who knew? Not me...

If you had told me, a couple of years ago, that in 2011 I would celebrate a day that I  had viewed as a death, I honestly would have run from you...because you were a cruel freak.

So, I was wrong.

It isn't a hard thing for me to do, to apologize, to admit my error. I view it as a necessity to living well with others. I can't fathom taking the energy to cover up a mistake and to perpetuate the lie that it wasn't made. So much better, in all respects, to just face up and meet the charging bull, snarling dog, irate person...whatever it is you picture.

So, to the person that I would have declared insane, I apologize. In fact, there may be a few. If you read this, know that I'm sincere. I mean it. You were right.

How long I lived with a man who did not want to be with me...continued to pretend that everything was great. Both of us did. I thought that if I willed everything good at it, then things would be alright. If I did everything I should, then things would be alright. If I became everything that he asked for, got rid of everything that he didn't like, did everything that he wanted, then things would be alright. I've been down this road before...

Things weren't alright.

They weren't ever going to be alright.

But I didn't know that. It's like the Pink song, "Who Knew". I knew, that's who knew. I knew I could make it happen...

there was no way...

K ~ So. Fast Forward.

I lost one anniversary, but I gained another. One that I was sure would cause me agony each time that day rolled around, year after year. I just couldn't see any other way it could be, no matter how hard I tried.

I could only see it as a symbol of a failure, a rejection.

Who Knew?

Not me.

No way could I have conceived that it would become a day that I would celebrate.

Not even when the day came around this year did I know.

Until I woke up that morning.

I usually get out of bed right away and get going with the day. When I wasn't alone in my bed there was a reason to lie there, to wait, to be...but for the past couple of years, there is none, so I just get out and the day is on.

But that morning, a couple of months ago, I woke up, and I just looked up at the ceiling for a minute. I actually took some inventory of my state of being and surroundings...window, sun coming through. Temp, kind of cold in the house, darn it. Dog on my foot, cat on my head...

Then came the question that I just don't ask... "how do i feel?".

My feelings are loud enough as they are. I don't like to open the door and ask them on purpose how they're doing. Good grief, only an idiot would do that! I know what it looks like in there! It's the point, again, in the horror movie when the 1st victim opens that damn door and everyone is screaming, "DON'T DO IT".

But I did.

I really wasn't sure what  I was feeling. I ran the checklist...sad? Hmmm...not really. Mad? Nope. Resentful? Well, always a little...I resent that he held on when he should have left long ago. Not sure that there's any real rational thinking there, so I'm not going into it. Curious? YEAH, totally, now.

Why wasn't I really mad? Sad? What was going on?

Got up, did the morning biz, headed out the door to work.

On the short drive in, it came to me in a flash. And as soon as I pulled into the Monkey parking lot, I set it as my status for the day on Facebook.

It's been on my mind the past couple of days, and revisiting some of these posts, I see that it's standing under the test of light and weight. It's a sound and true statement from me. I went back through my posts (if you know how much I post, you'll know that it took awhile!) and found it.

I'm sharing it here, so that it can take it's place in the log of progress, growth, experience.

The day that was supposed to be the anniversary of my death, failed to be such. In the eternal spirit of renewal, it has become the anniversary of life.

It has become a day that I will cherish. Not in a sick or twisted angry way, because I am still very sad that the dream died. But in a very real way, as proof of survival and hope.

Treat it well...it is precious to me.

And thank you, for anyone who is sharing this journey with me. I log it for myself, but I hope that it puts good in the world somehow.

(btw...i've never had so many "likes" on a status as on this one. so grateful for those friends who stood by me and held me up when i needed it, looked away when i bared my ugly soul, allowed their ears to hear my cries and made me laugh when they knew that it was all that would save me)

"Happy, happy day for me. Anniversary of a day that I thought was the end of my life...it wasn't. It was the day my personal tomb opened and I walked back into the world of the living. Hasn't been easy, hasn't been painless, but looking back over the path of the past year, it's been freaking amazing...what a ride. Sometimes that nail that you think is the final one INTO the coffin is really the final one OUT. Celebrate my day with me...make it beautiful for yourselves. :)"

October 15

Do NOT let go of my hand...

...i'll never let go...


Oh...my. 
 At 1:36 I start to cry. I have never seen this movie, but I will be seeing it when it is re-released.

oh goody...more ramblings from the brain

It's funny, for me, to go back and read some of the posts. I wonder what people must think, if they ever get read at all. And yeah, I worry that I come across like a psych ward escapee. Lol, not really. Well, yeah. Maybe.

What ends up here in the blog are the immediate thoughts pulled from the intense feelings that build up inside of me. I can't paint or draw, but I write, so I attempt to give them a place to express themselves and get them the heck out of me. They don't always make a lot of sense, I imagine, to anybody else, but I recognize them for what they are and putting them down serves my reason for ever doing any of this.

But, I want to remember to put down the intense joyful feelings and experiences that I have as well as the painful  and confusing issues. I know that it's only that I KNOW what to do with the happy things that they never come here. Those are the ones that I want to keep and wear and play with. The others I am never sure of how to manage them. They are BIG big feelings and I'm just struggling to deal with the power and strength behind them. My other coping mechanisms are gone~

Today I had a nice morning, got lots done before I went in to work. My shift was 3 hours later than normal but I was up at my regular time and just galloped along. There was alot to do when I got in there, and that is awesome! I love being busy. Boredom is a killer for me.

It was a super cold day, and really foggy, but as that burned off and the sun was shining so beautifully, I decided after work that I needed the beach. Not my big, wide-open sea-to-forever, just a little local one. Took care of the dogs, pulled on a sweater, grabbed camera and went to Mukilteo. Everett was still pretty socked in fog-wise, but I hoped that by the water it'd be clear enough.

It was. Not perfectly, but enough.

I don't know what it is, but as soon as I open the car door by the water I begin to settle. It's a drug of beautiful things to my soul...I block everyone and everything else out and just walk to the edge of the water and stand. And breathe in deeply. I hold my hands open and lift my face to the breeze, or wind, and let all of the negativity I am carrying flow out of me with the waves. This time of year it's insanity to go out into it, with temps today hitting a high of 34...but so hard to resist the urge. To just walk out waist deep and lie back on the surface...So amazing. Of course, I get the same effect on myself in any outdoor water situation, doesn't have to be ocean water, but the combination of smells and textures and sea birds is pretty tough to beat.

So, that's where I went. I have an immense amount of emotion in me right now (if anybody is reading this that knows me, then just be quiet. I know I ALWAYS have emotion...this is even more), and while the week's emotions haven't all been positive in nature, those have resolved and what I was left with today were the crazy and amazing ones. Good, positive, enjoyable, but nonetheless immense in nature. And threatening to overwhelm me. So...water.

I wasn't seeking answers, because there aren't any that I can see. And that's quite alright. It's just life. There aren't answers or resolutions to everything, no matter how badly I want for there to be. I can whine about it all I want, but the bottom line is that that's a waste of time and energy and definitely gets me nowhere. So...I took myself and those emotions out to the water and did my thing with the wind and the waves. Climbed the rocks, got locked onto them by being distracted while the tide came in...I always do that, darn it. Find a perch out on a point, sit and wonder and ponder every little thing, then look around and have an "oh sh*% moment. It's easy enough to get out of it...either climb the rocks up and out or decide to walk in the surf and back out.

I just want to enjoy these feelings. They are big, but they are happy at the base of their nature. They'll never be allowed to grow bigger, or turn into anything more, but that's alright. I'm good with it. I just don't want them to go anywhere yet...

It's such a confusing, but exhilarating, time. So many changes still going on, and while I'd like to be able to choose where things are going to land, I can't...and in truth, maybe I don't want to. I don't know.

ANYWAY, the point was...I'm feeling kind of happy, in a big emotion way. I like my job, am crazy grateful for it. I like my home, enough...getting used to it finally. Making changes and plans for it, after all this time. And I am getting used to not being criticized every time I turn around for every tiny little thing. No, really.

I love my friends, all of them. They matter so much to me, I worry and think about them every day. I'm super grateful for them in my life. There are a few that helped make sure that I didn't fall off the edge of the world a couple of years ago. They won't ever know in this life what it has meant to me...there aren't words...unless they end up going through the same, and I don't want that to happen to anybody. But I feel the gratitude for their sassy quips and deeply loving hugs so strongly. I couldn't tell them what was happening and it didn't matter. For the first time in a very long time I felt truly loved and cherished by people who didn't have to, who only knew that I had a deep need for warmth and acceptance, and they gave it. I had forgotten all about that in my life and I felt withered and unworthy when they offered. I still am unworthy, but as I said, deeply grateful. I don't shrink from it anymore, and I do hope that they can feel love in return.

I am so happy that I have a sister and 3 brothers whom I love. That's another post, but they live in a place in my heart that is special and held just for them. I wish we were closer in all respects, in age and experiences and distance and communications.

I'm happy that I've re-discovered my love for music and dancing. It was very scary for awhile, music that always brought me joy or solace carried nothing but intense pain and I was lost...I dreaded going to stores because I knew that they be playing music and I couldn't take any of it. Ugh.

And now I am falling asleep sitting here. I'll do more in the morning...
But all I really wanted to say was, I am happy. :) And I'm heading out to track down the eclipse in the morning.
Be happy back.
It's a glorious moon out tonight.
Let yourself think that somewhere under that moon are people who know you and love you. If you're lucky enough, there may be someone wishing that you were with them under this moon, watching it and enjoying it together. Don't ever turn down the chance to love. Or to be a friend. Or stand at the beach or toss a rock or throw a snowball, sing a song, give a hug, look at the stars, stay up too late and get up too early.

So, 2 songs to enjoy: first is Steve Tyrell with Sunny Side of The Street, Father of the Bride 2

http://youtu.be/mN37DNqZP6w

and 2nd: A Wink and A Smile, Harry Connick Jr ;)



My thought for the day ~

I found a piece of this quote on a video that Yahoo has posted today

(http://yearinreview.yahoo.com/2011/blog/1263/inspiring-video/)

that shows some inspirational stories of the past year.

Not all of the inspirational bits, because there are too many to post in a short sequence such as this, but some points and highlights that touched the video-journalist's heart.

The partial quote struck me...

it was easy enough to track down the entire piece, and it is even more beautiful in that form.

So, my thought that I share with you for today, coupled with a status from a friend of mine, follow:

One must say Yes to life, and embrace it wherever it is found - and it is found in terrible places... For nothing is fixed, forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the moment we break faith with one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.

James Baldwin (1924 - 1987)

and the status:

(not attributing until i have permission to use his name, but not claiming it as my own)

"Wake up your sleeping; day to day you walk around like a sleeping giant, for you have so much to give, so much to show the world...but avast you are still sleeping"

Go do some good in the world around you today ~

make somebody smile.

Imagine that as you touch anything today, speak to it, look at it, that it becomes illuminated and more.

Feel the power and energy that you carry within you

and share it in every corner and in every step

that you take today.

♥♥♥

HI!

That's all, really. :)

I am just saying Have An Awesome Day!

:)