I've been journaling alot. They are deep and personal, much more than any other posts i've had. It's been a wild ride lately...
lots of music, helping me.
Here's a song.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
A Mother's Day weekend
It's a beautiful morning. The sun is shining bright as it rises through the sky, the air has that sweet, clean smell of early morning, the birds are singing their busy songs through their morning work...there is no place in the world as lovely as the NW on a late spring day.
My mother's favorite time of year was late spring. She was an avid gardner, the kind that breathed life into anything she touched. She chose to have the gardens of organized chaos, much like the old country English gardens. She didn't have formal, stiff and polite gardens...that didn't fit her at all. Mum was a free-spirit, a gypsy at heart, always seeking and learning. Her life had her feeling pegged and tethered and you could feel her straining against the conventions that she had to live within, everyday.
But in her gardens...well, that's where you could really see her heart. Huge daisies, calendula, irises all planted in and amongst each other, ground covered with lobelia, marigolds, petunias and then carrots, tomatoes, herbs. All growing together in such a lovely harmony. She knew the right plants to put next to each other, the ones who could be sociable and friendly together. Her gardens were anywhere there was space. She filled every place in her life, in her home, with something lovely and surprising.
Since she died, these mornings have a touch of sad emptiness for me. This is when I miss her the most. She would be out in her gardens, her yard, as the sun came up. Coffee brewing, the stale scent of her cigarettes lingering wherever she had been. These smells may turn others off and around, but they are always reminders to me of my mother and her wild and beautiful spirit.
I drink coffee, and I love the stuff, but it's partly emotional in that I do feel a piece of her with me with that first cup of the day. I used to take mine outside with me on the island while i cared for the little farm and tended the gardens. I miss those gardens and the early mornings with them.
I have a tiny space to work in now, and I feel a bit trapped. Alot of the joy is diminished still for me, but it gets better as I get used to and accept the differences. I can hear her voice talking to me about the little plants I have...i planted many of her favorites, the big Shasta daisies, the berry plants that grow so wild and are so lovely. I hear her tell me how to care for the little pots of clearance plants i buy, the ones that are dying and just being thrown away. I can sense her guidance as I take them out of their constricting containers and give them the individual attention that seems to be the correct thing to do. They always live, and often stay year after year even though they aren't supposed to. I decided long ago that this is mum's gift to me.
Tomorrow is mom's day. I don't celebrate it, really. All i ever want is to just spend time with my girls, visit mom's grave and appreciate the day for what it happens to be. Tomorrow will be sunny and I am so glad. The girls and I, and Sarina's fella Shane, are heading to Westport. After a trip to the cemetery to put all the flowers I can find on her grave, and to say "thanks, mom".
I miss her. My beautiful mom, the plains born gypsy, the roving heart, my queen of courage. I know she's around me. I just want to feel her arms around me again. Just once. To hold me close, brush my hair away from my eyes the way she did, kiss my mouth and spank my butt...her way of telling me how much she loved me and now to get busy and make it happen.
Anyway.
Love your mom. Whoever that mom is. Your mother, your friend, your auntie, your child...your father, even. Just let them know that you love them and never let them wonder.
My mother's favorite time of year was late spring. She was an avid gardner, the kind that breathed life into anything she touched. She chose to have the gardens of organized chaos, much like the old country English gardens. She didn't have formal, stiff and polite gardens...that didn't fit her at all. Mum was a free-spirit, a gypsy at heart, always seeking and learning. Her life had her feeling pegged and tethered and you could feel her straining against the conventions that she had to live within, everyday.
But in her gardens...well, that's where you could really see her heart. Huge daisies, calendula, irises all planted in and amongst each other, ground covered with lobelia, marigolds, petunias and then carrots, tomatoes, herbs. All growing together in such a lovely harmony. She knew the right plants to put next to each other, the ones who could be sociable and friendly together. Her gardens were anywhere there was space. She filled every place in her life, in her home, with something lovely and surprising.
Since she died, these mornings have a touch of sad emptiness for me. This is when I miss her the most. She would be out in her gardens, her yard, as the sun came up. Coffee brewing, the stale scent of her cigarettes lingering wherever she had been. These smells may turn others off and around, but they are always reminders to me of my mother and her wild and beautiful spirit.
I drink coffee, and I love the stuff, but it's partly emotional in that I do feel a piece of her with me with that first cup of the day. I used to take mine outside with me on the island while i cared for the little farm and tended the gardens. I miss those gardens and the early mornings with them.
I have a tiny space to work in now, and I feel a bit trapped. Alot of the joy is diminished still for me, but it gets better as I get used to and accept the differences. I can hear her voice talking to me about the little plants I have...i planted many of her favorites, the big Shasta daisies, the berry plants that grow so wild and are so lovely. I hear her tell me how to care for the little pots of clearance plants i buy, the ones that are dying and just being thrown away. I can sense her guidance as I take them out of their constricting containers and give them the individual attention that seems to be the correct thing to do. They always live, and often stay year after year even though they aren't supposed to. I decided long ago that this is mum's gift to me.
Tomorrow is mom's day. I don't celebrate it, really. All i ever want is to just spend time with my girls, visit mom's grave and appreciate the day for what it happens to be. Tomorrow will be sunny and I am so glad. The girls and I, and Sarina's fella Shane, are heading to Westport. After a trip to the cemetery to put all the flowers I can find on her grave, and to say "thanks, mom".
I miss her. My beautiful mom, the plains born gypsy, the roving heart, my queen of courage. I know she's around me. I just want to feel her arms around me again. Just once. To hold me close, brush my hair away from my eyes the way she did, kiss my mouth and spank my butt...her way of telling me how much she loved me and now to get busy and make it happen.
Anyway.
Love your mom. Whoever that mom is. Your mother, your friend, your auntie, your child...your father, even. Just let them know that you love them and never let them wonder.
Dido
Thank You
for you, Mom. We never had much, and you taught me that whatever we had didn't matter...it was what we were that said it all.
♥
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Holy Moly...how long has it been?
Long enough that I can't even remember how long, that's how long. :)
I severely underestimated how much working the two jobs and still trying to be my version of mom and run the house and take care of friends and everything else was going to take out of me. By the time H&R ended, it was all I could do to keep up with the 2 jobs and mom-dom. Everything else just went by the wayside. The money was very needed, but it took a huge toll and cost in other areas. Need to figure that one out before the end of summer, when I need to get back on the full-time, one way or another, scene.
It's been so overwhelming in so many ways that I'm not even going to try to recap. It's best if the bits that end up being important just find their own way to the surface as they need to, and if they don't then they don't matter. That's my theory anyway.
Today is what I'll look at for the moment ~
It was a bit surreal, but anything that ends up involving Masoud is surreal. Not because of anything that he does, he is just as he always has been, but because of how it plays on me and my emotions...or rather, how it doesn't.
I am still baffled at how I could have spent almost 25 yrs with this person and feel no connection at all. I know that's what I wanted, what I needed and worked so hard for, but it's still so darn odd. I could equate it to knowing that you are going to take an ice pick to your arm, grasping it in your hand, putting it against your skin and pushing it into the flesh...and feeling nothing. There's no blood, no pain, no sensation at all, just a visual awareness of what is happening and a curious fascination over how strange it all is. Remove the pick and within a few minutes, no hole.
Yeah. See? Weird.
I mean, there's a recognition of the event, of behaviors...he'll say or do things and there may be a very slight instinctive reaction and then a total stop and an unattached observation.
The only time I feel on guard are the partings, and I can't tell you why. But I've noticed that I put a distance of about 5' up and avoid all eye contact. I don't feel sadness or a rememberance of when mini and I left the house for the last time, just a wariness that I haven't bothered to analyze. Mostly because...I simply don't care to know. I'm just observing a behavior on my part.
Except for one thing. There is one thing that gets a real reaction from me. Watching him reach out for mini and seeing her response. Sometimes it's positive and she accepts the hug and hand hold, kiss on the forehead. Sometimes she resists and refuses. For so long he just didn't care about her, her feelings, her emotions, her needs, her pain, her interests. And now, he does a little.Now, when she has no interest or desire to share any of it with him. I can see that in his face, the awareness. It was something that we talked about alot long before the reality of divorce factored in, that he was responsible for the state of their relationship and the lack of one with our older girl. They stood there, waving their hearts at him, for years and he had no interest. Daughter 1 gave up. Walked away. Has chosen to keep him out of her life for nothing other than she doesn't want to be left by him again, and it's easier to not open the door to any possibility. I understand that. I took that approach with my own father, who was not just the cold and distant type but then would flare with violence. In time I chose to let him back in, on my terms and under my control and it was rigid...but it was safe. I hope that maybe eventually they'll have at least that. Regardless, it's out of my hands completely.
But mini. She is different. And their situation is different. She is a minor and can't just choose to not have a relationship yet. When they visit it is usually in a store, I wander off and do my own thing, often pushing them both away from me or just ditching them quickly and hiding so that their time has nothing to do with me. I see him wanting to bridge the distance but not being able to, knowing how to, or even completely sure that he wants to...I see her yearning for that father connection but knowing that she isn't going to have it here. When I say "see", i really mean "feel". I do see the colors and hues in their eyes (i'm a big eye watcher), but the feelings roll off of them in huge waves of emotion. Sadness rolls, truly as I said, in waves. That is it's nature of feeling. And it is very large in this situation, more so lately from him than ever before. I always felt that after 3 or so years he'd begin to process the reality of his choice and so far we are right on schedule. I hold no responsibility, but the strength of the emotion at times threatens to swamp me. I cannot begin to imagine ever making a choice to walk away from your child...but I do know the ache of wanting a relationship that you cannot just create on your own. I have to shut myself down to receiving any of those feelings and walk away.
There are so many times when I am thrilled to beyond bits to have called a situation. :) I DO like to be right. :) But not in cases like this. This kind of thing is too difficult. There is no comfort in seeing it play out as I knew it would. There is just the sadness of watching someone realize the consequence of their actions and that the bridge they burnt down so easily is not so easily rebuilt.
Ah well. I just make sure that mini is okay after an encounter. Her humor these days is to insist that he isn't her father. At first I thought she was joking around, coping, or just saying that while he is a biological being in her life, he is not her father. No. She and her sister are now adamant that he is NOT their father. I can't even tell you how bizarre this all is. I have to just laugh now, there's nothing I can do except tell them that he is.
Huh, so that all went in a different direction than I had intended. Can't believe how late it is right now, not going to edit, just post and go. Leave with a song, of course. Have to have some trademark somehow, right?
I severely underestimated how much working the two jobs and still trying to be my version of mom and run the house and take care of friends and everything else was going to take out of me. By the time H&R ended, it was all I could do to keep up with the 2 jobs and mom-dom. Everything else just went by the wayside. The money was very needed, but it took a huge toll and cost in other areas. Need to figure that one out before the end of summer, when I need to get back on the full-time, one way or another, scene.
It's been so overwhelming in so many ways that I'm not even going to try to recap. It's best if the bits that end up being important just find their own way to the surface as they need to, and if they don't then they don't matter. That's my theory anyway.
Today is what I'll look at for the moment ~
It was a bit surreal, but anything that ends up involving Masoud is surreal. Not because of anything that he does, he is just as he always has been, but because of how it plays on me and my emotions...or rather, how it doesn't.
I am still baffled at how I could have spent almost 25 yrs with this person and feel no connection at all. I know that's what I wanted, what I needed and worked so hard for, but it's still so darn odd. I could equate it to knowing that you are going to take an ice pick to your arm, grasping it in your hand, putting it against your skin and pushing it into the flesh...and feeling nothing. There's no blood, no pain, no sensation at all, just a visual awareness of what is happening and a curious fascination over how strange it all is. Remove the pick and within a few minutes, no hole.
Yeah. See? Weird.
I mean, there's a recognition of the event, of behaviors...he'll say or do things and there may be a very slight instinctive reaction and then a total stop and an unattached observation.
The only time I feel on guard are the partings, and I can't tell you why. But I've noticed that I put a distance of about 5' up and avoid all eye contact. I don't feel sadness or a rememberance of when mini and I left the house for the last time, just a wariness that I haven't bothered to analyze. Mostly because...I simply don't care to know. I'm just observing a behavior on my part.
Except for one thing. There is one thing that gets a real reaction from me. Watching him reach out for mini and seeing her response. Sometimes it's positive and she accepts the hug and hand hold, kiss on the forehead. Sometimes she resists and refuses. For so long he just didn't care about her, her feelings, her emotions, her needs, her pain, her interests. And now, he does a little.Now, when she has no interest or desire to share any of it with him. I can see that in his face, the awareness. It was something that we talked about alot long before the reality of divorce factored in, that he was responsible for the state of their relationship and the lack of one with our older girl. They stood there, waving their hearts at him, for years and he had no interest. Daughter 1 gave up. Walked away. Has chosen to keep him out of her life for nothing other than she doesn't want to be left by him again, and it's easier to not open the door to any possibility. I understand that. I took that approach with my own father, who was not just the cold and distant type but then would flare with violence. In time I chose to let him back in, on my terms and under my control and it was rigid...but it was safe. I hope that maybe eventually they'll have at least that. Regardless, it's out of my hands completely.
But mini. She is different. And their situation is different. She is a minor and can't just choose to not have a relationship yet. When they visit it is usually in a store, I wander off and do my own thing, often pushing them both away from me or just ditching them quickly and hiding so that their time has nothing to do with me. I see him wanting to bridge the distance but not being able to, knowing how to, or even completely sure that he wants to...I see her yearning for that father connection but knowing that she isn't going to have it here. When I say "see", i really mean "feel". I do see the colors and hues in their eyes (i'm a big eye watcher), but the feelings roll off of them in huge waves of emotion. Sadness rolls, truly as I said, in waves. That is it's nature of feeling. And it is very large in this situation, more so lately from him than ever before. I always felt that after 3 or so years he'd begin to process the reality of his choice and so far we are right on schedule. I hold no responsibility, but the strength of the emotion at times threatens to swamp me. I cannot begin to imagine ever making a choice to walk away from your child...but I do know the ache of wanting a relationship that you cannot just create on your own. I have to shut myself down to receiving any of those feelings and walk away.
There are so many times when I am thrilled to beyond bits to have called a situation. :) I DO like to be right. :) But not in cases like this. This kind of thing is too difficult. There is no comfort in seeing it play out as I knew it would. There is just the sadness of watching someone realize the consequence of their actions and that the bridge they burnt down so easily is not so easily rebuilt.
Ah well. I just make sure that mini is okay after an encounter. Her humor these days is to insist that he isn't her father. At first I thought she was joking around, coping, or just saying that while he is a biological being in her life, he is not her father. No. She and her sister are now adamant that he is NOT their father. I can't even tell you how bizarre this all is. I have to just laugh now, there's nothing I can do except tell them that he is.
Huh, so that all went in a different direction than I had intended. Can't believe how late it is right now, not going to edit, just post and go. Leave with a song, of course. Have to have some trademark somehow, right?
This one has been in my head for a few hours now.
Gary Jules
Mad World (lyrics below)
"Mad World"
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
i wonder
i wonder if it could be...
i wonder if maybe, just maybe...
i wonder if it might happen...
i wonder if i have enough courage to let it be...
i wonder if i have enough strength to let it go...
i wonder if i have enough trust in myself to show how it really is...
i wonder if i can survive another ending...
i wonder if i can trust it to not end...
i wonder if my feelings will be understood...
i wonder if i can believe in it all...
i wonder...what if...
it's real?
i'll add a song later when youtube isn't being a poop
i wonder if maybe, just maybe...
i wonder if it might happen...
i wonder if i have enough courage to let it be...
i wonder if i have enough strength to let it go...
i wonder if i have enough trust in myself to show how it really is...
i wonder if i can survive another ending...
i wonder if i can trust it to not end...
i wonder if my feelings will be understood...
i wonder if i can believe in it all...
i wonder...what if...
it's real?
i'll add a song later when youtube isn't being a poop
i just don't GET life
Sorry, but it just sums up what i'm feeling.
Life...is...WEIRD
And I just don't have a single clue what's going on with it.
I get up some mornings and send a thought into the universe that I'll be open to whatever good comes to me, and that I will not flinch from anything that must be faced.
There are times when I don't know which of those two things is the hardest to handle. Or to prepare for.
I think that, for me, it's easier to face an enemy, or a negative of some kind, and to handle it than it is to be open to good things. It may sound absurd, but I find it much harder to be willing to open the gates and allow "anything" to come in, willing to absorb and accept.
I find it much easier to put everything into a holding tank and to then analyze at my leisure before allowing an entrance. Problem is that life is so busy that it often just gets stuck in that tank and never looked at again. Or, I just analyze the shit out of it and minimalize all the good down to nothing.
So, I psyche myself up and open my arms, literally, and say that I will accept and honestly nurture every good thing that comes into my life that day.
All the while, trying to not flinch, lol.
And you know what? The times when I release the negative and put the honest, open, sincere thought out, something always happens. Within the hour, generally, and then for a few days after.
Jobs, people, opportunities...
So many wonderful things and people have come into my life. I am sooooo grateful. I have some people that I consider amazing friends that I wouldn't have ever come across before. People that I truly hope stay friends for a very, very long time.
And then things happen that I can't even begin to understand, or talk about.
Can't quite figure that one out yet.
But I am dead tired and have to be up early to open the tax office and then do a shift at the bakery after...
and my eyes are crossing...
goodnight ~
Life...is...WEIRD
And I just don't have a single clue what's going on with it.
I get up some mornings and send a thought into the universe that I'll be open to whatever good comes to me, and that I will not flinch from anything that must be faced.
There are times when I don't know which of those two things is the hardest to handle. Or to prepare for.
I think that, for me, it's easier to face an enemy, or a negative of some kind, and to handle it than it is to be open to good things. It may sound absurd, but I find it much harder to be willing to open the gates and allow "anything" to come in, willing to absorb and accept.
I find it much easier to put everything into a holding tank and to then analyze at my leisure before allowing an entrance. Problem is that life is so busy that it often just gets stuck in that tank and never looked at again. Or, I just analyze the shit out of it and minimalize all the good down to nothing.
So, I psyche myself up and open my arms, literally, and say that I will accept and honestly nurture every good thing that comes into my life that day.
All the while, trying to not flinch, lol.
And you know what? The times when I release the negative and put the honest, open, sincere thought out, something always happens. Within the hour, generally, and then for a few days after.
Jobs, people, opportunities...
So many wonderful things and people have come into my life. I am sooooo grateful. I have some people that I consider amazing friends that I wouldn't have ever come across before. People that I truly hope stay friends for a very, very long time.
And then things happen that I can't even begin to understand, or talk about.
Can't quite figure that one out yet.
But I am dead tired and have to be up early to open the tax office and then do a shift at the bakery after...
and my eyes are crossing...
goodnight ~
Thursday, February 2, 2012
my coming of age videos...
SO many songs defined those magic years of the end of high school and the beginning of adulthood. I still love them to this day. Just browsing youtube tonight and posting them...
Modern English
"Don't Dream It's Over"
Eurythmics
"Sweet Dreams"
Talk Talk
"Talk Talk"
Thompson Twins
"Lies Lies Lies"
Another Thompson Twins
"Doctor Doctor"
Murray Head
"One Night In Bangkok"
Oingo Boingo
"Weird Science"
The Fixx
"Saved By Zero"
Animotion
"Obsession"
Real Life
"Send Me An Angel"
Peter Schilling
"Major Tom"
Nena
"99 Red Balloons"
Frida
"I Know There's Something Going On"
Bronski Beat
"Small Town Boy"
Johnny Hates Jazz
"Shattered Dreams"
The Gap Band
"You Dropped A Bomb On Me"
Cameo
"She's Strange"
Laid Back
"White Horse"
Falco
"Rock Me Amadeus"
So many more, but these are good for now.
:)
Hope that you enjoyed them
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
really need to be in bed trying to sleep, but ~
I can't.
Not yet.
I'm upset.
(hey, look how those 3 sentences above gradually descended, lol!)
So, I didn't sleep really well last night...ah, heck. I don't sleep well. Truth is, I don't like to sleep alone. Yes, I have to pups and kitties, but it's different. And it's not sexual. It's just a comfort thing, like a teddy bear used to be. AND being the person in charge of the world, our home being the world in this case, I don't sleep well because I am "on guard" all the time. Beside the point.
I didn't sleep well. I closed at the office last night and was on opening shift this morning, with both jobs back/back today (wednesday)...weighing on my mind. So, every hour felt like a thousand and I was worried I'd over-sleep, etc.
Had an insane crazy day at HR today. It's peak tax season, of course IRS had a delay on their end, people are calling and freaking out, people are making appts, people are walking in, preparer's are working like steady soldiers, keeping all the files straight, handle all 3 phone lines, people in front, messages, issues, payments, etc and the inter-office personality meshings...anyway, 6.5 hours went by super fast.
Had to run errands afterward. Got home, almost feeling like I'd accomlished something. Came upstairs to handle Amazon orders and Avon orders, pay bills so we can have electricity and such, do school emails, run laundry loads to wash my work clothes and get them ready for tomorrow...and then...
BOOM
Email. Slam, BANG. What I'm doing wrong. How I'm not meeting expectations and needs. How I'm failing.
I don't even have time for phone calls from friends. I don't go out with anyone after hours. When I'm online I'm working and just have a fb window open to try to communicate with people to coordinate things for Emma and to try and feel connected to anything.
From someone that I care very much for.
I get it, this person doesn't understand. They can imagine and try to get there, but even when you are the only functioning part of a team, you are still a part of a team, instead of being THE team. They don't get it. I didn't get it until I got here. I figure it's a good day if I'm in bed before 3, cleaning house, helping Em with homework, cooking, doing the errands, taking care of pets, yard, bills, online work, and then this when I can, because it's my therapy. This is the only place where it all gets dumped, and even then it doesn't all get put here. Those are in notebooks that will never see the light of day.
Yeah, I wish things were different.
I don't like the situation either.
I wish I didn't have to work 2 outside jobs, push the pet care biz and do the 2 online jobs all at the same time.
I wish I had help being a parent, even just the support of talking to someone about my frustrations.
I wish that I had this person and the others like them closer, in all ways. But I don't.
I have dark circles the size of Jupiter, but I can't sleep.
I get dizzy and tired, but I can't eat, I'm worried and my stomach hurts.
I try to laugh and find humour and joy in things around me because it keeps me from feeling so alone and sad about that.
But I knew that it was coming. I just kept wishing that it wouldn't.
Because I can't do anything else about it.
I send texts with pictures, I hate my email because it slugs up and doesn't send, takes multiple tries.
They hate facebook, which I can do from my phone, which most days is the only way that i can even get there.
They don't know what it's like to not have family around.
I do.
It's always been that way for me.
They don't know that not one single member from that direction even posted a stupid 2 word mention on my facebook wall for my birthday.
And only one ever pops in to say hello, the busiest of all.
I can't reply to the email right now, because I am stunned and numb from hurt. There is no way that I'm going to just let it rip back. I can't do that. I hope that they don't understand how it felt to read those words, having had the day that I've had and having been trying to make enough money to keep my kid going. I hope that they didn't remember that I have a former spouse to deal with and how difficult that is, to try to keep the hurt out and let my girls have a relationship with their dad that isn't tainted with my emotions. I hope that the thought that I miss them MORE than they miss me didn't cross their mind, because if it did, if they knew how sad and lonely I am and how desperately i wish that things were better and I could be what they need and still sent that message...i just don't know how I could handle that.
And the thing is...I don't know how they could forget.
Every day when I get up I don't know what's going to happen that day. I pray that I don't get laid off from the one job, or fired from the other because it's so high pressure and I messed up. I pray that I can get my daughter's rides all coordinated and the gas money to cover those expenses delivered. I hope that I can handle all the ends from her school and her dance, which she needs SO MUCH and which I am so glad that she found.
But I'm glad for this crazy, unexpected, unpredictable life. I just wish I could handle it all with grace. And i wish that I didn't still get hurt so easily.
So, tonight I can't sleep again. I'm sad. And being honest, I just want someone that I can put my head on their shoulder and cry for a bit. Just to not feel alone with this sad. This isn't what I share with my girl. She already worries, she doesn't need to be worried about me being sad.
And tomorrow is going to be such a long, long day.
Well, need to go switch laundry over again.
Life. Such a funny, funny thing.
You can plan it all that you want, but what it does is all up to every whim in the universe.
Sorry for the whine and the pity party. I guess we'll chalk it up to, part of the package.
But...think, a few times, before you choose to "let someone know how you feel". Do you really need to? Is it going to do them any good? Do they really need to be humbled? They may already be pretty darn low. Please just consider those few things first. Temper your comments. Remember what your goal is. That's why I can't respond. Not yet, anyway.
Hope that this comes out okay, not editing yet. Just not a night for that.
Song...I'd play Sia, I'm In Here, but I already did.
I think I'll play The Script, For The First Time.
Anything from them works for emotions...
Not yet.
I'm upset.
(hey, look how those 3 sentences above gradually descended, lol!)
So, I didn't sleep really well last night...ah, heck. I don't sleep well. Truth is, I don't like to sleep alone. Yes, I have to pups and kitties, but it's different. And it's not sexual. It's just a comfort thing, like a teddy bear used to be. AND being the person in charge of the world, our home being the world in this case, I don't sleep well because I am "on guard" all the time. Beside the point.
I didn't sleep well. I closed at the office last night and was on opening shift this morning, with both jobs back/back today (wednesday)...weighing on my mind. So, every hour felt like a thousand and I was worried I'd over-sleep, etc.
Had an insane crazy day at HR today. It's peak tax season, of course IRS had a delay on their end, people are calling and freaking out, people are making appts, people are walking in, preparer's are working like steady soldiers, keeping all the files straight, handle all 3 phone lines, people in front, messages, issues, payments, etc and the inter-office personality meshings...anyway, 6.5 hours went by super fast.
Had to run errands afterward. Got home, almost feeling like I'd accomlished something. Came upstairs to handle Amazon orders and Avon orders, pay bills so we can have electricity and such, do school emails, run laundry loads to wash my work clothes and get them ready for tomorrow...and then...
BOOM
Email. Slam, BANG. What I'm doing wrong. How I'm not meeting expectations and needs. How I'm failing.
I don't even have time for phone calls from friends. I don't go out with anyone after hours. When I'm online I'm working and just have a fb window open to try to communicate with people to coordinate things for Emma and to try and feel connected to anything.
From someone that I care very much for.
I get it, this person doesn't understand. They can imagine and try to get there, but even when you are the only functioning part of a team, you are still a part of a team, instead of being THE team. They don't get it. I didn't get it until I got here. I figure it's a good day if I'm in bed before 3, cleaning house, helping Em with homework, cooking, doing the errands, taking care of pets, yard, bills, online work, and then this when I can, because it's my therapy. This is the only place where it all gets dumped, and even then it doesn't all get put here. Those are in notebooks that will never see the light of day.
Yeah, I wish things were different.
I don't like the situation either.
I wish I didn't have to work 2 outside jobs, push the pet care biz and do the 2 online jobs all at the same time.
I wish I had help being a parent, even just the support of talking to someone about my frustrations.
I wish that I had this person and the others like them closer, in all ways. But I don't.
I have dark circles the size of Jupiter, but I can't sleep.
I get dizzy and tired, but I can't eat, I'm worried and my stomach hurts.
I try to laugh and find humour and joy in things around me because it keeps me from feeling so alone and sad about that.
But I knew that it was coming. I just kept wishing that it wouldn't.
Because I can't do anything else about it.
I send texts with pictures, I hate my email because it slugs up and doesn't send, takes multiple tries.
They hate facebook, which I can do from my phone, which most days is the only way that i can even get there.
They don't know what it's like to not have family around.
I do.
It's always been that way for me.
They don't know that not one single member from that direction even posted a stupid 2 word mention on my facebook wall for my birthday.
And only one ever pops in to say hello, the busiest of all.
I can't reply to the email right now, because I am stunned and numb from hurt. There is no way that I'm going to just let it rip back. I can't do that. I hope that they don't understand how it felt to read those words, having had the day that I've had and having been trying to make enough money to keep my kid going. I hope that they didn't remember that I have a former spouse to deal with and how difficult that is, to try to keep the hurt out and let my girls have a relationship with their dad that isn't tainted with my emotions. I hope that the thought that I miss them MORE than they miss me didn't cross their mind, because if it did, if they knew how sad and lonely I am and how desperately i wish that things were better and I could be what they need and still sent that message...i just don't know how I could handle that.
And the thing is...I don't know how they could forget.
Every day when I get up I don't know what's going to happen that day. I pray that I don't get laid off from the one job, or fired from the other because it's so high pressure and I messed up. I pray that I can get my daughter's rides all coordinated and the gas money to cover those expenses delivered. I hope that I can handle all the ends from her school and her dance, which she needs SO MUCH and which I am so glad that she found.
But I'm glad for this crazy, unexpected, unpredictable life. I just wish I could handle it all with grace. And i wish that I didn't still get hurt so easily.
So, tonight I can't sleep again. I'm sad. And being honest, I just want someone that I can put my head on their shoulder and cry for a bit. Just to not feel alone with this sad. This isn't what I share with my girl. She already worries, she doesn't need to be worried about me being sad.
And tomorrow is going to be such a long, long day.
Well, need to go switch laundry over again.
Life. Such a funny, funny thing.
You can plan it all that you want, but what it does is all up to every whim in the universe.
Sorry for the whine and the pity party. I guess we'll chalk it up to, part of the package.
But...think, a few times, before you choose to "let someone know how you feel". Do you really need to? Is it going to do them any good? Do they really need to be humbled? They may already be pretty darn low. Please just consider those few things first. Temper your comments. Remember what your goal is. That's why I can't respond. Not yet, anyway.
Hope that this comes out okay, not editing yet. Just not a night for that.
Song...I'd play Sia, I'm In Here, but I already did.
I think I'll play The Script, For The First Time.
Anything from them works for emotions...
For The First Time
The Script
Monday, January 30, 2012
Snow Patrol - What if This Storm Ends?
Beautiful Song...Lyrics Below
Snow Patrol
"What If This Storm Ends"
set to scenes from BBC's
North and South
What if the storm ends and I don't see you
As you are now ever again?
The perfect halo of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against the planet's last dance
Just for a minute the silver-forked sky
Lifts you up like a star that I will follow
But now it's found us like I have a found you
I don't wanna run, just overwhelm me
What if the storm ends? At least that's nothing
Except the memory, a distant echo I won't pin down
I've walked unsettled rattle cage after cage
Until my blood boils
I wanna see you as you are now
Every single day that I am living
Painted in flames, a peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me that strikes relentless
What if the storm ends and I don't see you
As you are now ever again?
The perfect halo of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against the planet's last dance
Just for a minute the silver-forked sky
Lifts you up like a star that I will follow
But now it's found us like I have a found you
I don't wanna run, just overwhelm me
As you are now ever again?
The perfect halo of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against the planet's last dance
Just for a minute the silver-forked sky
Lifts you up like a star that I will follow
But now it's found us like I have a found you
I don't wanna run, just overwhelm me
What if the storm ends? At least that's nothing
Except the memory, a distant echo I won't pin down
I've walked unsettled rattle cage after cage
Until my blood boils
I wanna see you as you are now
Every single day that I am living
Painted in flames, a peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me that strikes relentless
What if the storm ends and I don't see you
As you are now ever again?
The perfect halo of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against the planet's last dance
Just for a minute the silver-forked sky
Lifts you up like a star that I will follow
But now it's found us like I have a found you
I don't wanna run, just overwhelm me
yay
Haven't really posted anything for a bit.
Getting used to the new job has definitely been a challenge for me. The work itself isn't hard, taken in bite size pieces and being allowed to chew...
but that hasn't been how it's gone down.
It's already peak season for taxes and stuff is flying fast and furious. I had 2 training sessions, one block after hours to get the lay of the land(which changed)and another during a quiet time of open hours. There were several things that couldn't be duplicated, but talked about only and then making some attempts at visualization. Btw, that's a bit fruitless when you have no idea what it is you are visualizing!
At any rate, it's been pretty stressful for me. I've made mistakes and felt completely over my head, one thing I hate doing and one place that I hate being!
After last Friday, which was awful, I was sure that there was no way that I could do this job. I wasn't going to give up, but I couldn't say whether or not they were going to give up on me.
So...after a bad night's sleep, worrying about going in again, I went to work yesterday(Sunday). Got there a bit early to get into the groove before my shift actually started, which was a moot point as they had been letting people in for an hour already. Sigh, I thought. Here I go again.
At some point during the day, we were crunched again. Several people coming in the door, multiple phone lines ringing, payments needing made, preparer's with questions hovering around...and I managed it. I didn't blow the terminal up, lose a payment, drop a phone call, annoy a client in front of me or irritate a preparer.
W.O.W.
Yeah, so...that's my big news.
Oh, and that I've picked up another 4 hours a week through Feb. :) I need it! YAY!
That's all.
Getting used to the new job has definitely been a challenge for me. The work itself isn't hard, taken in bite size pieces and being allowed to chew...
but that hasn't been how it's gone down.
It's already peak season for taxes and stuff is flying fast and furious. I had 2 training sessions, one block after hours to get the lay of the land(which changed)and another during a quiet time of open hours. There were several things that couldn't be duplicated, but talked about only and then making some attempts at visualization. Btw, that's a bit fruitless when you have no idea what it is you are visualizing!
At any rate, it's been pretty stressful for me. I've made mistakes and felt completely over my head, one thing I hate doing and one place that I hate being!
After last Friday, which was awful, I was sure that there was no way that I could do this job. I wasn't going to give up, but I couldn't say whether or not they were going to give up on me.
So...after a bad night's sleep, worrying about going in again, I went to work yesterday(Sunday). Got there a bit early to get into the groove before my shift actually started, which was a moot point as they had been letting people in for an hour already. Sigh, I thought. Here I go again.
At some point during the day, we were crunched again. Several people coming in the door, multiple phone lines ringing, payments needing made, preparer's with questions hovering around...and I managed it. I didn't blow the terminal up, lose a payment, drop a phone call, annoy a client in front of me or irritate a preparer.
W.O.W.
Yeah, so...that's my big news.
Oh, and that I've picked up another 4 hours a week through Feb. :) I need it! YAY!
That's all.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
taking u with me
(Daniel Tashian)
Well you're hot and your cold
not always easy to hold
and your hard to impress
sounds funny but you might be the best
friend that I have
cause whenever you're gone and Im left all alone
well the world seems worse
though I didn't really like you at first
I was wrong about that
(Chorus-Both)
Cause wherever I go
I'm taking you with me
Wherever I go,
You're coming along
Cause you're in my blood
Capturing my soul now
Yeah you're in my heart
And thats where you belong
(Mindy Smith)
Well you talk too much
and you act so tough,
but I can see right through
I don't really feel sorry for you
You're one of a kind
You got me thinkin' bout all kinds of colors
and your winsome smile
can I stay with you for a while
you won't like the sunshine
(Chorus-Both)
So wherever I go,
Im taking you with me
Wherever I go,
You're common' along
Cause you're in my blood
capturing my soul now
Yeah you're in my heart
and that's where you belong
(Daniel Tashian)
God bless you're a mess and I'm the first to confess
You clean up alright
Never thought you'd be a sight for sore eyes
But everyone can be wrong
(Both)
And if you ever leave I would surely be sad
I wouldn't know what to do
I would drink an ocean for you
Probably already have
(Chorus-Both)
So wherever I go
I'm taking you with me
Wherever I go
Your'e coming along
Cause you're in my blood
capturing my soul now
Yeah you're in my heart
and that's where you belong
Well you're hot and your cold
not always easy to hold
and your hard to impress
sounds funny but you might be the best
friend that I have
cause whenever you're gone and Im left all alone
well the world seems worse
though I didn't really like you at first
I was wrong about that
(Chorus-Both)
Cause wherever I go
I'm taking you with me
Wherever I go,
You're coming along
Cause you're in my blood
Capturing my soul now
Yeah you're in my heart
And thats where you belong
(Mindy Smith)
Well you talk too much
and you act so tough,
but I can see right through
I don't really feel sorry for you
You're one of a kind
You got me thinkin' bout all kinds of colors
and your winsome smile
can I stay with you for a while
you won't like the sunshine
(Chorus-Both)
So wherever I go,
Im taking you with me
Wherever I go,
You're common' along
Cause you're in my blood
capturing my soul now
Yeah you're in my heart
and that's where you belong
(Daniel Tashian)
God bless you're a mess and I'm the first to confess
You clean up alright
Never thought you'd be a sight for sore eyes
But everyone can be wrong
(Both)
And if you ever leave I would surely be sad
I wouldn't know what to do
I would drink an ocean for you
Probably already have
(Chorus-Both)
So wherever I go
I'm taking you with me
Wherever I go
Your'e coming along
Cause you're in my blood
capturing my soul now
Yeah you're in my heart
and that's where you belong
Friday, January 20, 2012
a little bit...
Hands down Im too proud for love
but with eyes shut its you im thinkinq of
but how we move from A to B it cant be up to me
cuz you dont know who i was before you
and basically to see a change in me i'd be losinq
so i just iqnore you yeah ooooh
but your on my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind oohhh
and maybe in time,in time, in time i'll tell you ima
chorus
a litle bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you
i guess that Ima little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you!
i know you told me break their hearts
but its you i wanna take apart
and i would never ever be the first to say it
but still i they know i-i,i,i
I would do it
push a button
pull a triqqer
climb a mountain
jump off a cliff cuz your my baby
i love you- love you just a little bit
I would do it
you would say it
you would mean it
we could do it
it was you and I, not only I,I
chorus
i think ima a little bit- little bit
a little bit in love with you
but only if you're a little bit- little bit
a little bit in la la la la love with me!
I hope they never find out
what they already know,know,know
as soon as its official we'll have to let it go,go,go
so we dont confirm the flinq
keep avoidinq all the questions
yu can teach me many things
im just scared to learn a lesson
Rap-
the pressures on both hearts beat like a metronome
both in sync like a justin song feels so right but its just soo wronq
i wonda what my world bout when niqqas that i know tryna take my qirl out
and her friends say i aint the one to go for
she just jeaouls cuz you always get approached more
oh well tell her fall back
caught up in some more shit tell her call back
tell her get a man that aint cheatinq on her ass with a girl that i know
yeah tell her all that- that
and as for you i think i know your the one
the closest ive come im privately a..
chorus
a little bit-a little bit- a little bit in love with you
i guess that im a little bit- a little bit
a little bit in love with you.
but with eyes shut its you im thinkinq of
but how we move from A to B it cant be up to me
cuz you dont know who i was before you
and basically to see a change in me i'd be losinq
so i just iqnore you yeah ooooh
but your on my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind oohhh
and maybe in time,in time, in time i'll tell you ima
chorus
a litle bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you
i guess that Ima little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you!
i know you told me break their hearts
but its you i wanna take apart
and i would never ever be the first to say it
but still i they know i-i,i,i
I would do it
push a button
pull a triqqer
climb a mountain
jump off a cliff cuz your my baby
i love you- love you just a little bit
I would do it
you would say it
you would mean it
we could do it
it was you and I, not only I,I
chorus
i think ima a little bit- little bit
a little bit in love with you
but only if you're a little bit- little bit
a little bit in la la la la love with me!
I hope they never find out
what they already know,know,know
as soon as its official we'll have to let it go,go,go
so we dont confirm the flinq
keep avoidinq all the questions
yu can teach me many things
im just scared to learn a lesson
Rap-
the pressures on both hearts beat like a metronome
both in sync like a justin song feels so right but its just soo wronq
i wonda what my world bout when niqqas that i know tryna take my qirl out
and her friends say i aint the one to go for
she just jeaouls cuz you always get approached more
oh well tell her fall back
caught up in some more shit tell her call back
tell her get a man that aint cheatinq on her ass with a girl that i know
yeah tell her all that- that
and as for you i think i know your the one
the closest ive come im privately a..
chorus
a little bit-a little bit- a little bit in love with you
i guess that im a little bit- a little bit
a little bit in love with you.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
a favorite scene
I'm all about having your hunches play out, following instinct and gut feelings ~
So when I see parts of movies, or hear songs, read spots in books, whatever, that deal with success in those areas, they stick with me.
Here's a scene from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade that exhibits that quite perfectly to me. :)
Short clip...
Enjoy ~
So when I see parts of movies, or hear songs, read spots in books, whatever, that deal with success in those areas, they stick with me.
Here's a scene from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade that exhibits that quite perfectly to me. :)
Short clip...
Enjoy ~
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
just another day in the life ~
Aren't they all?
Today I don't feel any pain at all from the half-marathon on Saturday. :) I also slept well for a couple of nights, totally odd for me.
Yes, I was blue the past couple of days. I am feeling more together now. It's not that the issue has left or the feelings are diminished, I'm just in a better place to deal with them. That's where I'm used to living, in a place that can acknowledge these things but put them aside and let them lie as they are...since I can't do anything about them.
The snow started coming down again during the night, but not in the amounts that I was hoping for. Yes, I want a BUNCH. While I was at work today it continued to snow steadily, at times quite hard. By the time I left to come home it had piled 6" on the car. :) It stopped again, but is supposed to start up during the night and tomorrow. I have gotten some nice pics with my little cell camera. I think it's a good, good thing that I don't have a better camera, I might never come out from behind the viewer again.
I never knew how similar to writing photography is. It's still story-telling, reporting and commenting on events and a moment in time, just in a different way. I've always been a person who sees the picture in my mind and then verbally shares that image. But with photography, the story is in the picture. The challenge is in finding the right moment that expresses the story that you are seeking to tell. Every picture is a story of something, but not always what you are seeing and feeling at that time. And then there are the stories that you never look for or expect, and all of a sudden, it's there. Right in the frame, the most interesting, complex and complete story that you never thought of...and if you're lucky and aware, you grab it. A frozen moment, captured forever. I am beginning to feel the same compulsion with it that writing is...the story is there, in writing. It tells you what it is and you bring it into this realm to exist. A writer doesn't choose to write. A writer writes because the story, whatever it is, demands a voice.
So, the day...
I was fairly sick to my stomach this morning, nervous about going in to work at H&R. There were things that I hadn't been able to do during training and I was flying solo for the first time today. Opening the office, getting everything up and running for the day. Ugh..
.
It went well. After an hour or so and alot of question asking, alot of manual reading and alot of phone calls, payments and appt making, I started to feel a bit acclimated to the roll of this particular ship. My friend and contact ended up coming in for a bit, and while I still handled my job, it was nice to have her there to refer to...although I only needed to a couple of times. It was great to be able to use alot of my library tech skills. :) They are good skills, deeply ingrained, customer service/organizational/etc, and since I can't find a job in a library these days, it's nice.
Got my schedule finally...it'll be a bit tight with the other job, but will work well. :) I'd so much rather be run a bit ragged working right now than not. One, I need the money, duh! Two, it's a new challenge and a great add on the resume, and Three...it keeps my mind off of the things that I can't do anything about. Very, very grateful for that one in particular.
Enjoying searching for a song for somebody...more skills from the library days. Nothing quite like a good old reference research job. I'm revisiting a lot of music that is good stuff and loving the needle/haystack digestion of information. The only thing is that it's taking me through some songs that are very emotional and can be tough to take. I'm still enjoying it, because they are emotions that I have to face and handle. I hadn't realized that I was running from them. I thought that I was just setting them aside for a bit, but I guess that in reality, i was running. I don't want to do that with anything anymore in my life.
My life.
Things really are going so much better right now.
Younger daughter and I are getting along really well...she is doing awesome in school and on track for the plan we put down.
Older daughter is doing awesome in her life. Great job, great relationship...future is bright now.
We've come so far in the past couple of years, it's a flipping miracle. Well, not really...it's taken a buttload of hard, hard, painful work. But at least we've had some results. :)
For my "issue"...it is just what it is. MY issue.
I will deal with it and clean up my mess and nobody will ever know anything different.
Just...timing in life...sucks.
But it's given me hope and a better picture of what I need. Not just want, but need. And now, at least, I know that the particular combination does exist. Not available, probably never will be, but does exist.
Maybe there will that for me. Somewhere. Someday.
So, I can handle the loneliness and I can play it cool. I will be okay, I always, ALWAYS am. And I will keep myself open, even though things hurt, because I refuse to let anything be lost to me due to my walls.
i feel like SUCH a girl!
oh well.
:P
(trying to insert a video but the computer is dragging tonight...will add in morning)
Today I don't feel any pain at all from the half-marathon on Saturday. :) I also slept well for a couple of nights, totally odd for me.
Yes, I was blue the past couple of days. I am feeling more together now. It's not that the issue has left or the feelings are diminished, I'm just in a better place to deal with them. That's where I'm used to living, in a place that can acknowledge these things but put them aside and let them lie as they are...since I can't do anything about them.
The snow started coming down again during the night, but not in the amounts that I was hoping for. Yes, I want a BUNCH. While I was at work today it continued to snow steadily, at times quite hard. By the time I left to come home it had piled 6" on the car. :) It stopped again, but is supposed to start up during the night and tomorrow. I have gotten some nice pics with my little cell camera. I think it's a good, good thing that I don't have a better camera, I might never come out from behind the viewer again.
I never knew how similar to writing photography is. It's still story-telling, reporting and commenting on events and a moment in time, just in a different way. I've always been a person who sees the picture in my mind and then verbally shares that image. But with photography, the story is in the picture. The challenge is in finding the right moment that expresses the story that you are seeking to tell. Every picture is a story of something, but not always what you are seeing and feeling at that time. And then there are the stories that you never look for or expect, and all of a sudden, it's there. Right in the frame, the most interesting, complex and complete story that you never thought of...and if you're lucky and aware, you grab it. A frozen moment, captured forever. I am beginning to feel the same compulsion with it that writing is...the story is there, in writing. It tells you what it is and you bring it into this realm to exist. A writer doesn't choose to write. A writer writes because the story, whatever it is, demands a voice.
So, the day...
I was fairly sick to my stomach this morning, nervous about going in to work at H&R. There were things that I hadn't been able to do during training and I was flying solo for the first time today. Opening the office, getting everything up and running for the day. Ugh..
.
It went well. After an hour or so and alot of question asking, alot of manual reading and alot of phone calls, payments and appt making, I started to feel a bit acclimated to the roll of this particular ship. My friend and contact ended up coming in for a bit, and while I still handled my job, it was nice to have her there to refer to...although I only needed to a couple of times. It was great to be able to use alot of my library tech skills. :) They are good skills, deeply ingrained, customer service/organizational/etc, and since I can't find a job in a library these days, it's nice.
Got my schedule finally...it'll be a bit tight with the other job, but will work well. :) I'd so much rather be run a bit ragged working right now than not. One, I need the money, duh! Two, it's a new challenge and a great add on the resume, and Three...it keeps my mind off of the things that I can't do anything about. Very, very grateful for that one in particular.
Enjoying searching for a song for somebody...more skills from the library days. Nothing quite like a good old reference research job. I'm revisiting a lot of music that is good stuff and loving the needle/haystack digestion of information. The only thing is that it's taking me through some songs that are very emotional and can be tough to take. I'm still enjoying it, because they are emotions that I have to face and handle. I hadn't realized that I was running from them. I thought that I was just setting them aside for a bit, but I guess that in reality, i was running. I don't want to do that with anything anymore in my life.
My life.
Things really are going so much better right now.
Younger daughter and I are getting along really well...she is doing awesome in school and on track for the plan we put down.
Older daughter is doing awesome in her life. Great job, great relationship...future is bright now.
We've come so far in the past couple of years, it's a flipping miracle. Well, not really...it's taken a buttload of hard, hard, painful work. But at least we've had some results. :)
For my "issue"...it is just what it is. MY issue.
I will deal with it and clean up my mess and nobody will ever know anything different.
Just...timing in life...sucks.
But it's given me hope and a better picture of what I need. Not just want, but need. And now, at least, I know that the particular combination does exist. Not available, probably never will be, but does exist.
Maybe there will that for me. Somewhere. Someday.
So, I can handle the loneliness and I can play it cool. I will be okay, I always, ALWAYS am. And I will keep myself open, even though things hurt, because I refuse to let anything be lost to me due to my walls.
i feel like SUCH a girl!
oh well.
:P
(trying to insert a video but the computer is dragging tonight...will add in morning)
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