My mind is full of a hodge podge of things tonight. Actually, this is nothing new...I seem to jump from one subject to the next seamlessly all the time. It makes sense to me and I can track it for someone if they want to jump along for the ride, but I usually just keep it to myself. Sometimes it's a little wierd in my head, even for me. LOL. :)
That's okay though. I'm pretty used to myself most of the time.
SO many thoughts right now. Life is never boring, although it can become tedious. But even tedium has it's energy level...it's just, well, tedious.
We had Christmas a day ago. I remember just a few years ago this was serious big time stuff in our home. Christmas prep started early. My former spouse had me finish all shopping as early in November as possible, and then the rest of the time was spent decorating, building up in this crazy crescendo of anticipation and expectation. So much baking, so many projects started and completed, massive Martha Stewart-esque things. Every aspect of the farm was decorated, the barn and even the chicken coop. The deck banisters and railings were all decked out in fresh cedar garlands made from our own trees and wrapped with lights, trees outside lit up, etc etc etc.
I can't even begin to connect with that anymore.
It was more than just a lifetime ago...it was a totally different person. One that didn't enjoy the process, who questioned the purpose of it all even then, but did it because it was expected. I had a profile to live up to, for God's sake...don't let it look like I couldn't make it happen as well as any other wife and mother. Heck yeah, I could. It wasn't hard at all, for cryin' out loud. It took time and creativity because I was expected to make it happen on next to nothing.
Sigh.
What a freaking waste of time and energy.
All it ever did was build up to that crescendo which then dropped to the final bar of composition and just ended. No magic. No lasting good feelings. Nothing except the long, empty process of dismantling everything that had consumed the previous 6 weeks.
I hated it.
If I was looking for the true meaning of Christmas, that sure wasn't it. It was just all show and empty displays for the neighbors.
But the real kicker was that when the marriage was ending, it was thrown in my face as an example of my insatiable desire for more than anyone could provide. WTH? I didn't want any of that. I didn't enjoy a moment of it. It never filled me with anything other than the constant anxiety of "did I do it well enough?" and "is that how he wants it to look?", "is this going to make him believe that I'm worth his time?".
Screw that.
Mad. That's what I was when that bs started to get flung at me.
Anyway...
So now, things are different.
I know that they must seem empty to so many people. But the goal has been to learn to discover what it is that is true to myself. I don't claim to have any great knowledge or awareness, but I do have a sense of correctness that I try to align what I do with. That guide that I tune actions and choices to pull into measure with. It's not perfect or anything remotely close, but it's a start and it's better than nothing.
My younger daughter and I went to a large multi-band concert early in the month as our gift to each other. It was amazing. Her first BIG concert and my first trip back to the site of my old head-banging days. We saw Grouplove, Young the Giant, 2 Door Cinema Club, Cage the Elephant, Mumford and Sons, Foster the People, and Death Cab for Cutie at the Key Arena, formerly known as the Seattle Coliseum. It was the best.
Felt so weird to not be running amuck shopping for the rest of the month. I mean, there were gifts still, a few little things from each other to each other, and we shopped for my older girl and her boyfriend. But that's it. And that I didn't do until the 23rd. Didn't really realize how close Christmas was. We decorated about 4 days before the day...but in fairness, we have our tree up year round. Not as a Christmas tree, but as a season/event tree. We put summer flowers, spring whatevers, autumn leaves, etc. on it.
So Christmas day came and I enjoyed hearing people's memories of days on Fb. I baked the night before, little bits of stuff. Older daughter was here, doing her hair and such. Got slightly snockered on bourbon balls, watched movies with younger daughter. Quiet, relaxed. I missed something, but it wasn't important. I guess.
Next morning I got up later than usual, about 8:30 and puttered around. No big. Put parts of the dinner on (we were having a persian dish that we used to eat alot of, Gormeh Sabszi), danced lots, took a shower, went to the store. Daughter woke up and we opened our few gifts, played with the dogs lots. Older daughter and bf got here, had a couple drinks, ate dinner, snoozed on couch like a bunch of piled puppies, watched a movie, opened the other gifts, ate some more, watched more movies. It was nice. It was one of the best.
Went to a late night movie with younger.
Their dad did good. He only knows to throw money at things to make it better, so he did. That's okay with me where they are concerned, because I can't. Money is so freaking tight it's not funny, but I try hard to not ever make it an issue. We just don't have so we figure out ways to work around it. But he was able to put that money of his to good use and help them out. I give him credit. It may be all he knows, but he's still damn tight with it. I think that because it is of so much importance to him, he feels that it's all that people want from him. That's my quick analysis answer. I have a much more in-depth one, but our lives are only connected through our daughters anymore, I don't have to care what his motivations or thoughts are. Whew.
But...it's still odd. I feel so removed this year.
I have other things on my mind and in my heart.
And those things are the ones that are causing me some issues tonight. But I had to get this other out of the way first.
And that's what this blog is about.
Just dumping info, sharing the odd thoughts, etc.
Now I've dumped enough that I am sleepy. Sleep actually sounds good right now.
So, good night. Publishing as is, will edit later.
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