if you wanted an entry...

I had an interesting thing happen just a bit ago. Interesting, disturbing. 
Without going into great detail, which isn't important for this, I was in a situation that went from good natured joking to very serious, very quickly. There has been some very intense energy flowing about in the world lately, people are on edge, almost in a manic state, and then suddenly exhausted. This was someone very close to me in a manic, happy state, who quite suddenly reacted very violently to an offhand observation of no particular meaning. It startled them as well, I could see it in their eyes. That's good. When something like that happens, awareness, even in a shocked state, is necessary in order for a learning situation to come from it. 
What brings me here is my reaction. 
I'm afraid. And that makes me angry.
When the situation happened, I felt the immediate energy shift and recognized the intensity. My visible reaction was all systems on alert, and fight. I stood firm and made direct eye contact. Not always the best move, but it's my instinct in the instant. I saw the look of surprise and shock at their feelings and the situation quickly diffused...on their part. I sent them away from me instantly, then after a few moments realized that was too much like running and i needed to confront, name, resolve if I had any hope of not being stuck there. And so i did.
Maybe i need to back up. 
What happened in me was a classic ptsd reaction. It can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. It goes beyond fear. It throws the person into a time warp. You're aware, somehow, that you aren't where you suddenly find yourself feeling that you are, but all of your thoughts kick into a survival mode and your feelings are as intense and as involved in a past event as if it were truly happening right there at that moment. It takes so much, more than I can explain, to get to a point of stopping the physical reaction of protection...at least, the outward, the visible, reaction.
Inwardly, it happens. 
Let me say here, before I go any further, that I have made peace with my past. I have released my anger toward others, truly. It took years and it took many painful journeys in to places in me that I didn't want to go. There are still places sealed tightly that have defied efforts to open them, I think I've mentioned those in here before. They are still locked tight. I occasionally have ptsd type reactions to smells, touch or sounds that I cannot place at all. Therapists and I have concluded that those triggers must lie inside the locked places. I've given up going into them. I no longer want to. They don't disrupt my life, they don't hinder me at all. I accept that there are things that trigger emotions and I let them be. 
Because I can remember much of what is before certain blackout spots, and I can remember what occurred after...those were hard enough to accept and process. I don't believe that it's necessary to go after the rest.
So as you may surmise from those statements, there was a period of time in my life when some abusive situations happened. It covered all aspects of the labels used in categorizing these things... I don't talk of it. I've confided, on a surface level, with one very good friend and with the few therapists, psychiatrists actually, who I've worked with to move out and beyond it all. It is what it is in my history. I can't undo it, but I won't be a slave to it. And I'm not, for the most part. My anxiety and depression are minimal. I don't dream of it anymore either, and my dreams became color again many years ago. 
But tonight, for the first time in a long time, I had a moderate+ ptsd reaction. 
That's why I'm here, writing this down. It surprised me. I had my guard down, since it hasn't happened for so long. In fact, i'd say that my conscious mind had forgotten about it. 
But that subconscious didn't. 
It left me shaking, inside and out, and fighting the desire to run...and then fighting the anger at feeling afraid. Nothing makes me angrier than the feeling of helpless fear. To be honest, I hadn't even identified that as clearly as I just did until this moment. 
I'm not a very big person physically to start with. But I suddenly felt very small.
Very young.
Very Vulnerable. 
Very, very alone.
and very scared.
The event doesn't have to happen in that moment...it IS happening, inside the person. The memories of faces, voices, touch are all there. The feelings of fear, helplessness, darkness, pain...they are all there. You can smell it as if it were all happening right now. You expect the bruises to show, you feel them being made. Feelings of violation are as real as the acts were at the time. You separate yourself, if you can, in your mind, from your body...to try and have it happen to the shell you inhabit, not to what makes you YOU. 
And it all happens in a heartbeat. 
If you've ever seen the Matrix movies, in times of need they focus on what is needed and the perception of time is altered to slow it down. That really does happen, if you've been in an accident or a high stress situation...your mind focuses on the details and what happens in a moment feels as if it goes on so very much longer. 
So in the brief moment of the change of energy, everything occurred to me. All that i mentioned above. And I swung myself around, figuratively, and was ready to fight to protect the helpless self of me. 
That's not unusual for my reaction. 
What's difficult about tonight, beside the fact that it hasn't happened for quite awhile, is that I am alone to process the aftermath. 
My mum always said that in the crises I was the one person in the world she'd want to have on her team because nothing phases me then. I break it down in my head,very "matrix" movie like and handle the details easily and without panic. 
Afterward, I fall apart. That's when it all catches up with me.I know this about myself and I've learned coping mechanisms that are healthy and move me through the process quickly. 
But this is a bit different. 
When I was married, my husband knew that sometimes these things would happen and that what I needed was just to be held, or just be close to him afterward. He never asked for specifics so I never told him. 24+ years, he never ventured a question. I guess that looking at that now, it strikes me as a little odd. But then, I'm an intensely curious person, I want to know as much as I can about pretty much everything and everyone. 
So, anyway, an event would trigger and I'd process it, just being physically close to someone who could provide the shield against my vulnerability while I stabilized myself again. 
I don't have that now. 
The emotions have dissipated to a large extent, and what is left I know will go. I've taken ibuprofen against the headache that always sets in, took an extra vitamin, made my tea right away...etc etc etc. But I can't stop shaking. I feel cold all through. I've put on many layers of everything and the shaking is slightly diminished. I feel a bit nauseous...it's very much a shock reaction. 
I miss having someone to lean on a little. Just to let me know that it's going to be fine. Someone other than the voice in my head that is also warning myself not to listen to it. 
So.
There's an evening.
It's now 2:15 AM. I'm still shaking, I will for awhile...but the deep sleepiness is kicking in. I have my kitties here, they are one on each side of me, purring. 
Thanks for "listening". I know that to many people, it won't make much sense. 
But that's ok. 

Anna Nalick

Breathe

sigh
so much on my mind. so exhausted. tears right at the surface, laughter right behind.
just...
breathe.
i hope i have time to think soon. i'm so far behind in things from the 2 jobs.

if you're looking for "a year",

It's gone back to live in drafts

just songs in my head, moving my body (raw, incomplete, will be added to and edited)

Some songs that I love to have on. Some have meaning to me, some just help me get my work, or workout done, some help me unwind. I choose to not blatantly post things on fb that I know will offend people unless it's something important...not because i worry what they will think of me, i gave up on that a long time ago. People's perceptions of who and what I am are their own, and with only a few exceptions, it always surprises me how off the mark they are. No, I don't post trivial things that I know are likely to offend simply because they are meant to be enjoyed, not debated, and I don't want the drama around me over something that isn't even offensive were it to be clearly looked at. 

Music fits every part of me. 
I dream,  I dance, I sing, I think, I love, I laugh, I hurt, I cry, I work, I struggle...just like we all do. 
I hope that I learn.
I live. 

Maroon 5
Secret

Usher

Scream

Depeche Mode

John the Revelator

Placebo

Running Up That Hill

Depeche Mode
I Feel You

My Chemical Romance
Kids From Yesterday

and then there is another version...unique and eloquent, to me

Imagine Dragons
Radioactive

Sia
Titanium

Pearl Jam
Black

Morgan Page
The Longest Road

Goldfrapp
Train

Foreigner
Urgent

Foghat
Slow Ride

Blackfoot
The Highway Song

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Beat the Devil's Tattoo

Christina Perri
A Thousand Years

Rihanna
Stay

You're the broken one but i'm the only one who needed saving

INXS
(any, really...but for right now, this one)
Need You Tonight
so slide over here
and give me a moment ~
your moves are so raw, 
i've got to let you know

how do you feel?
i'm lonely.
what d'ya think?
can't think at all.
what you gonna do?
gonna live my life.

let me show you the world through my eyes...

Depeche Mode

Let me take you on a trip
Around the world and back
And you won't have to move
You just sit still

Now let your mind do the walking
And let my body do the talking
Let me show you the world in my eyes

I'll take you to the highest mountain
To the depths of the deepest sea
And we won't need a map, believe me

Now let my body do the moving
And let my hands do the soothing
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is
Nothing more than you can feel now
That's all there is

Let me put you on a ship
On a long, long trip
Your lips close to my lips
All the islands in the ocean
All the heavens in the motion
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is
Nothing more than you can touch now
That's all there is

Let me show you the world in my eyes

no explanation

Blue Oyster Cult

Don't Fear The Reaper

Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are

Rihanna

Stay

i threw my hands in the air and said

"show me something..."

Cider Sky

Northern Lights

Every time I close my eyes I can touch the colors around me

tired

Jeez Pete, yes. I'm tired.
Not complaining. I'm okay with it, really. Just admitting it here, where nobody knows and nobody cares that I feel weak and incapable sometimes.
I don't normally sleep much, don't have much of an attraction toward it, but right now...my bed is the prettiest place ever.
I'm beyond grateful each year for this extra job, it pays well and it gives great hours, helps me keep up on some bigger bills and put money aside for summer plans with the girls. I do notice, however, the exchange of self for that money. Managing the house, yard, car, family, and working 50+/wk...how do people do this?
Of course, it would probably help if I wasn't determined to not stop having a life outside of work as well.
Let's not go there.
It's not up for discussion.
Only til April 17th...and then I will miss the office and the people a great deal. I do really like this work.
And I'm very fond of my co-workers.
So, brief break here this morning, not scheduled at the bakery and have paid the bills, taken care of phone business, done some housecleaning, going to get some more done and then errands...but first, my workout. Ate pizza last night. Gotta pay the piper.
Just wanted to share the news.
I'm tired.

This past week was Mum's birthday. March 12. 
She was born in Alamosa, Co in 1926, on a ranch that had belonged to the family for many years. When her grandfather died, the ranch had to be sold to pay bills, taxes, etc. and her father became a hired hand on the place that he had grown up on. I don't know that he ever got over that. But into the small shack house for workers he moved his wife and young daughters.
Space and food were limited, the girls were farmed out to other family members as needed. Kind family, that had to help. 
She married a young man, an officer in the Army Air Corps, straight out of high school. She always said that she didn't love him...but I don't believe that. 
They were together a very short time, she and Gene Asay, before he was called up for service in WWII. He was killed in a training mission. I've read passages from a memory book compiled by Gene's family and all accounts from people talked of his lovely young bride, pale and weak with grief. She, in later years, would tell me, when I finally discovered him, that she used him as a means to get off of the ranch and nothing more. I still don't believe it. It was how she looked when she talked about him...it was the fact that she didn't talk about him, that I never knew about this man my mother had been married to until I was in the 6th grade and accidentally found a stash of photos, letters, small mementos. He was a handsome guy, he had a kind face, the kind that new that unkindness existed in the world but wasn't going to give it power over him. All those farm kids in the depression era, they all knew about hard times and hard people. 
My siblings dad, my dad...no, she probably didn't love them.But who knows. 
Mom worked for the state departments, the military, the state park system...
We moved alot. She was always looking for the place to call home. THAT place. 
When she and my father were divorced for the 2nd time, we moved to WA. I'll never forget that night, the one I learned this. We had been looking in Northern Ca, where we lived, and we'd been looking in Missouri and Iowa. But she came into the living room and handed me a map of WA and told me that she thought we needed to move there. 
I was the map kid. I still am. I love maps. I would read them over, memorize them, copy them, plan out routes, add up miles, check elevations...I do the same now, except that when i actually get out on the road, I put it away and just go on instinct. Must be all those years of orientating myself.
Anyway, she handed me the map, gave me the general area and turned me loose to get to know the area. My sister had been living in Graham WA for awhile, and we'd been up for visits, so the locale wasn't unfamiliar entirely. I already knew i loved it. But those names, omiheck.
Puyallup. That was a fun one to work on. Nope, wasn't even close. Then we got here and saw names such as Stilliguamish, Nooksack, Skookumchuck, Nisqually, Chehalis, etc. 
Love it. I love those names. They roll and trip off my tongue now, old familiar friends. 
We sold stuff, we packed, we moved. 
And i found home, for the first time in my life. 
But that's another story.
When Mom died, just there with me, just as she would...the biggest thing that hit me was the awareness that we each experience the same happening differently. That people are different to each of us. Maybe it had been there in my head already, but in talking with the others in the days after, I realized clearly that we each had a different mom. She was unique to each of us in how she parented, loved, punished, taught...We each saw her differently, and it was frustrating at first. It became very interesting for me once I realized how silly it was that we were upset with each other for different feelings about things. 
Mom was a dreamer, a pragmatist. She was a writer, an artist, a free soul who couldn't sing, couldn't dance(St Vitus Dance as a child had damaged her nervous system). She loved music, nature, esp the mountains and sea. She needed a man who could let her be all the different parts of herself with feeling threatened, and I'm not sure that she ever found him. She was a glamorous vixen, a plumber, electrician, carpenter. She was a high heeled lady who raced Corvairs. 
I wish that my younger daughter could have known her. 
I saw a woman who held on to her heart and emotions so tightly, determined to never be hurt again. 
I saw a woman who should have been cherished, but wouldn't allow it. 
I admire my mum in so many ways...but that one. And that's okay. 
That's all. Just some thoughts about her. Lovely Eileen McCallum. 
I miss you, Mum. Every damn day. Sometimes, it hurts. I just want you to hold me and let me feel taken care of for a moment. I hope whatever you were needed for in such an allfire hurry was worth it. 
love you always ~

Rihanna

Stay

I like it...Deadmau5 AND Gerard Way???

Try, I love it. 

Just don't try to take it seriously or find any deep meaning...there isn't any. Isn't supposed to be.

Professional Griefers

deadmau5, ft Gerard Way

During this time of the year I work part-time at a tax prep office. I'm not a tax prep, the work that I do is as a receptionist. It's a good job, I enjoy this type of work. I wish it was a year round gig, but I appreciate the opportunity just as it is. 

Being that it's a tax office, during peak tax season, people from all walks of life, from all ages and from all stages of life, come in. Some are nice, some are resigned, some are angry...some are frightened. People come in to stay on top of their financial situation, and people come in to clear up their financial situation. Deaths, divorces, births, marriages...all are covered. It is an amazing and complete collection of life. The poor, the rich, the unemployed, the over-employed(yes, there is such a thing), the disabled, the student, the retired. 

The most intriguing and rewarding part of my job is working to equalize the emotional temperature in the office at all times. To assist the preparers, the clients, law enforcement(it happens), corporate and general public. I liken it to proper wound care...if it's too wet, dry it out. Too dry, add moisture, etc. It can be exhausting and there are days when my strongest desire, after several challenges, is to just tell someone who is coming at me from an unpleasant place to f*** off. I don't, of course. But I want to. Always I remember that if they are being reactive toward me, who has done absolutely NOTHING to them, then they are dealing with strong emotions, most likely based, ultimately, in fear. I can sympathize with that. And I can deal with that. Very, very rarely am I unable to positively impact the situation. I don't know why, or how. 

One of the most challenging situations deals with divorce. Not challenging for me because of my own experience, but because of the raw emotions involved. People are hurting. They are afraid of the pain that they feel and angry because they feel it and can't make it stop. 
I hear so many stories, hear of so many conflicts. People reacting to them, others planning them. Revenge. 
Tonight, there was a man there who needed to approach his ex-wife about claiming their children for the child/tax credit...and he was afraid. His new wife was afraid. Afraid!

It occurred to me, at just that moment, that as an ex-wife (God, I hate that term. I hate saying "ex", I hate it beyond description. It's a term that takes an experience, a relationship, and plops it into a negative category), an ex-girlfriend, an ex-friend...I'm good. I am not bragging at all. I am seriously saying that the last thing that I want, in any ending, is for there to be anger. I won't blame, I won't yell, I won't attack, I won't argue, I won't plot. I won't do any of it. I refuse. What good is it? Does it help healing happen? I'm not saying I won't feel anger, hurt, etc...but I choose to not react with it. I'm not a pushover. I have boundaries and I will protect them. If it's a love relationship and I'm left, then it's over. I don't take people back. 

I've tried before. It doesn't work. If they left once, they will leave again. No one has ever shown me otherwise. Period. But we can be friends, depending on them. 

If they leave my friendship, then we are done. Maybe this is a big weakness in me...it probably is. I don't know how to work around it, so I'm not going to try, at least not right now. If I can't figure a way to not be that way, then it might just be the right way for me...I don't know. 

But I still won't wish ill.

Life is just too short, too uncertain, too full of sadness and pain to add to that. People matter, that's why I don't throw them away. But even when they leave your life, there's no reason to perpetuate pain. To try to hurt back. None. 

Anyway. Those were just some thoughts that were running through my mind. 

The Heart Of The Matter

Don Henley

The Civil Wars ~

Telling stories straight from my heart ~

Joy Williams and John Paul White aren't a couple, but they certainly sound like they're in love, singing together with the sort of familiarity that only seems to exist between couples and siblings. On Barton Hollow, their studio debut as the Civil Wars, the two trace each other's melodies with close harmonies that never fail to lose their romance, even on breakup tunes like "Falling." It's an organic, folk-pop sound not unlike the one made by the Swell Season, another boy/girl duo with a talent for making heartbreaking Americana. If the Civil Wars are America's answer to that band, then "Poison & Wine" is their "Falling Slowly." An aching, gorgeous tribute to a relationship on the rocks, it's one of the few tracks to include more than an acoustic guitar, with some piano and soft drums also making their way into the mix. Even so, the focus remains on the band's vocals, which are easily the best instruments on Barton Hollow. Those who don't like rootsy ballads are in for some slim pickings, since Barton Hollow shines its brightest whenever the tempos slow, the lights dim, and the voices rise up. But the title track, with its outlaw lyrics and swanky Southern groove, is a nice change from the norm, and "I've Got This Friend" finds a balance between both camps. Good stuff. ~ Andrew Leahey Recording information: The Art House, Nashville, TN. Photographer: Tec Petaja. Personnel: John Paul White, Joy Williams (vocals). Audio Mixer: Richie Biggs. Mojo (Publisher) (p.92) - 4 stars out of 5 -- "There are not drums to be found, nor superfluous ribbons'n'bow arrangements, just two gorgeously restless, swarthy voices destined to be together."
Paste (magazine) - "[W]hile the songs get loud, they rarely get bombastic. For the most part, it's simple vocal melodies and harmonies accompanied by acoustic guitar."
Uncut (magazine) (p.75) - "[T]here's a passion and naturalism to these songs that make them worthy of the hubbub."

20 Years, version 1

20 Years, version 2

Published on Dec 11, 2012

The Civil Wars held a contest for filmmakers to create the official video for the song, "20 Years" from their debut album, Barton Hollow. This video, from South African production company, Innerview Productions, was the winner. Here's what the creators of the video had to say:

"Under the apartheid regime in South Africa many Native South Africans were dispossessed of their land and were forced to leave their families to earn a living and pay taxes by working as cheap labour in the mines across the country. They were banned by law from bringing wives and children with them to the mines as they were considered "superfluous appendages" Many of these families were torn apart for extended periods of time, many died of mining related diseases, while some returned to their families after years or even decades apart.

The video depicts a Xhosa newlywed couple whose lives are separated for economic and political reasons as the husband leaves to work in the mines to sustain his family financially."

Poison and Wine

love...a thing that brings us together, binds us to each other, has power to pull us apart unless it is given freely...as it should be.

To Whom It May Concern

be here ~

Between the Bars

...cover of Elliot Smith's classic

I like this version very much

Falling

such sadness...i have only been the one who needed to leave once, but i've had these words spoken to me many times in my life...

their first song collaboration

Barton Hollow 

fantastic song to dance to, to sing

Forget Me Not

life and all that nonsense...edits and re-release

Holy hell. What a ride this life is being. I can't even keep up on the day to day changes and happenings and I don't know where I can post or what I can post or...

I don't like that feeling. 

At all. 

Work is good. Busy. I like that. That's ok, they are safe spots in my life. Go, do my job, do it well, care about where I am and what I'm doing, go home...eventually. I'm working alot of hours at the moment, but that's fine. It doesn't last forever, make hay while the sun shines and all.

Older daughter has had a rough go, in between jobs, stressed. Her guy is in the same boat(edit, this is resolved). Younger daughter switched schools at semester, we are switching back tomorrow. Heart broken situation, it is so hard to see your children hurting(edit, also resolved, and there's a new boy...i did say i can't keep up, right?). It's a part of life, obviously...but I can't help but wish I could protect them from pain.  

Their dad is trying to be in their lives in a larger way. This isn't a stress point at all for me, just interesting to observe, and to facilitate. I'd like that to happen, it has potential to be a good thing for all 3 of them. Whether or not it does become that good thing is entirely up to them(edit, he finally just approached younger with "how would you feel if i remarried?"...her response, "aren't you already?"...be interesting to see where this goes).

A former relationship had been in contact lately, and that had been a bit tough. Valentine's Day was an anniversary date, but it came and went and I spent time at the beach enjoying the air, the water, the peace. It can't be, for the same reasons that it ended in the first, and second place. I'm not the right woman for him, or he wouldn't have left...and left again. For all of the things that have happened and been said and proclaimed to feel, nothing has changed. Except me. And so. 

I'm in a challenge group, 1000 miles in 2013. At just over 130 miles so far(edit, 160 now). Better weather and more daylight will help with that alot. The treadmill contingency has the upper hand, for sure! :)

I'm so grateful for friendships. I have a few people that I consider very good friends. They keep me going on the hard days, likely they don't even know it. But I am beyond grateful to them, for them. They are strong, amazing, incredible people. I don't ever want them to know how crappy the crap days are, so that pushes me to get through them. I know that probably doesn't sound quite right, but I am not comfortable putting things on people. Hence, blog.

And music! Good golly, I love music. Saves my immortal soul. 

and writing...that book is almost edited. It's happening, i can't believe it. 

And photography. 

And walking, hiking, exercising. Hard. Pushing.

I need to go to bed now. 

You know what I miss? I miss that other body in my bed. The breathing, warmth, feeling of life from another person. I don't need it. I'm not pining for anything. But I miss that. It's just how it is. 

Good night.

Ever have those things that mean so much, that are so close, that matter more than they ever should? Ever been spread so thin that you can see the ice isn't even solid anymore? Ever known that you ought to be scared shitless but you also know that you can't? That's when you'll lose your nerve and it'll all cave in and crash around you? 

You know how that is? 

When you can't speak about any of it because there's nobody you can tell it to? So you hold it all in and it just rolls and waves and the surf of it pound against the inside of you, you try to let out what you safely can and hope the rest can find space to move without destroying you whole. 

You know that one also?

And what do you do? 

Drink.

Dance.

Write.

Walk. 

Cry...

Sing.

Photograph, draw, paint.

Pray for it to resolve...and pray that it never leaves,  because the void is harder to bear than the overwhelming stretch and tear of space.

Do you ever put your words and thoughts out in a way such as this, knowing that it will be misunderstood and taken for whatever it is that matters the most to the person reading? That isn't so bad in itself, especially when nothing else is given for a framework, and we all can only base information like this on what we ourselves know. What's worse is when someone decides what your nebulous thoughts mean based only on what perception they've allowed you to exist inside of in their world. That is always wrong. Always. People should know that, remember that, and try very hard to not do that. That alone causes so many problems. Relationships would be so much better...

Ok. That's enough out so that I can meditate a bit and sleep. 

no song.

the one i want would be misunderstood.

sorry, spammers...i don't need viagra.

Or an iPhone, or a bangaguy website.
Thanks for your concern for my sexual activity, health and ability to stay in contact.
jeesh.

Spam comments do make an interesting statement on what must be big business in our society, though.