The change is symbolic because I'm always about renewal and reflection. It used to mean more, this one individual day, but that was before life became so different for me. These days, though, I am in constant need of re-group and re-direct. With a job not being steady or consistently existent even, with a teenage daughter at home who definitely is ruled by her hormones(so much more than her sister was), friends that I rely on dealing with major issues of their own, the healing and recovery process itself, I find it easier to do this almost daily. Doesn't take long and then it doesn't build up and hit me in the face when i don't have time to deal with it.
So...
Today I was "friended" by 2 people and "defriended" by 3 on Facebook, lol. I gained 2 subscribers, which is weird to me. Who on earth wants to subscribe to me? Anyway...
Have had conversations with former spouse. More weird.
Had an email this morning from former father-in-law. He is a great man, I loved him very much. He was definitely a "dad" to me and I always felt that we were close. He is smart and not allowed to be, active and mocked for it, ambitious and damped down, determined and held in check...it broke my heart and I wanted him to be able to fly the way his heart has always wanted to. Scared me also...seeing him in his 80's, still struggling with many of the same issues that I felt suffocated with. I sure didn't want to be at that age and still aching to fit into my own skin and really give it a go.
Sometimes, I feel guilty about him. He begged me to stop the divorce, to make it not happen. I couldn't seem to get him to understand that it wasn't my doing. I didn't want the divorce, I didn't want for any of it to be happening. I didn't want to lose him. He grabbed my hands and sobbed into my shoulder, telling me that it was wrong, so wrong. I would remind him that his son did not want me any longer, that I had fulfilled my purpose and he was done. He would nod, wipe his tears, pat my back and tell me that he loved me. It took everything in me to hold myself together for him, to be strong and to stand so that I could hold him up. Dear, darling man.
And so, he sent a New Year's note to me. Telling me, like every year, how much he loves me, that I am always in his heart, that I am his dear daughter. Part of me yearns to get that email, to know that he still feels that way about me.
And part of me dies when it comes. Because, it isn't true anymore. We aren't family anymore. We aren't "dad" and "daughter". We aren't there for each other, we can't be. That was taken from us and that's how it is, whatever. But, I look back, just for him, and I am sad. I hate to know that he is still there, still trapped, and there is nothing that I can do to change it.
Just one of the sad things still.
But don't think for a second that there is any sadness for myself anymore. There used to be still, even just a couple of months ago, for some things such as "never going to be a 50th anniversary", "likely never going to be a 25th(i was cheated out of that one by 2 months and i think that's all it is)"..."never going to sit on a porch and play with grandkids that are progeny of both of us", "no shared memories from being young and dumb". It's not an issue anymore. For whatever reason.
I feel like I finally turned a corner and left it behind.
Heavens knows that I wanted to. Worked hard enough for it. Ran toward it every chance I got, even though it had to come in it's own time and I hit the wall of "slow down, girl...you have work to do" time and time again.
When it was all going down, when I knew but he wouldn't admit it yet, I went to a spiritual friend for some guidance and perspective. He said a prayer over me and gave me solid advice. He told me to journal, even if I had no intention of ever revisiting the words (which I rarely do, it's so weird). He told me to decide what I was going to do, and to do it. He said, "Do it. And never look back at the choice you leave behind". He repeated that 3 times, and it definitely stuck with me. He was right. It was very important for me to decide and to not look back. Such as at my former father-in-law. As hard as it is to NOT, I can't. It isn't my place anymore. The decision was made for me. The only choice that I had to make was where to live. I knew that. I had options open...so, I weighed it out, and even though there were some large doubts still, I went where I did. And I did not look back.
I can't even tell you how hard that is. To not look back? After so many years and experiences? But more so, I'm speaking geographically. I lived in that area that we left for more than 1/2 of my life and it felt like home. Growing up we never lived anywhere for very long, and it took me quite awhile to adjust to not wandering around anymore.
I will admit to pretending that the new place was in the old town, just to feel more comfortable in my surroundings for awhile. Just to psyche myself out. It helped me get through the depression and grief at losing my home base. Isn't that something? I was hurting over the loss of my geographic locale...I knew it then also and was upset by the knowledge that I was not missing the man I had been married to.
I also pretended that I was still in the old Camano house to try to sleep. I still do that sometimes. I think it's alright. Simply because, I don't sleep.
I think that the hardest part has been to admit that it really has been for the best. REALLY. Oh my goodness. I wasn't even a diminished person, I was barely a ghost of a person.
I like me.
I never felt that I could say that before.
Damn. I do. I like who I am. I'm not feeling completed or finished by any means, but dang...
Today. Take today. I was house-sitting at a place that I've been to so many times. I love these people so much. Their lifestyle is so close to what I want for mine, and I just always knew that I'd never get there. I held the feelings that it gave me in my heart and mind and it would hurt. It was what I felt was right and I felt that it could never be. See, that's the despair that I lived with all those years. He did also.
Anyway... today as I was getting packed up to come home, I went into the hall bath to put my make-up on. The hall bath, I know. It has a mirror that I can get right up to, since I had left my counter mirror at home. :) Point is, for all of these years I have avoided the eyes in the mirror. I know that I can get pretty intense when I look at people, I really am searching them. I've been told that it feels like I'm inside their heads, walking around looking at what is in there. Well, today, I caught my own glance in the mirror. I almost flinched and looked away, but there was something different. A comfort. A peace. So, I looked at this person. Just to see. Want to guess what happened?
For the first time, the FIRST TIME in my life, I relaxed. I looked at this woman and I thought, "yeah. we're friends" I looked into her eyes and I saw an almost happy person. I saw someone who was finally living a life that was much truer to herself than she had ever been able to do. I saw a woman who felt peace with herself...annoyed at laugh lines that won't disappear, at the stretch marks from having babies that won't go away...a bit concerned over money and wanting to share her life with someone, but otherwise, someone who was comfortable in her own skin. FOR THE FIRST FREAKING TIME EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE, I DID NOT FLINCH FROM MY OWN GAZE.
Yeah, so pretty damn big stuff for me.
Thank you, former spouse. Thank you for finally leaving me.
Oh, thank God that you did.
again, just going to post. Will revisit to edit later...
Song is "One Of Us" by ABBA
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