well...go figure

Kind of melancholy tonight...
Not really sure why. Normally, I don't give it much thought. I mean, I'm a woman and we know that women (all people, really) have swings in emotions. I cry if I feel it building up in me and don't worry about it. I feel kind of blue and just let it be. I've been around long enough, for sure, to know that some sleep and a kick in the tush in the morning will diminish whatever is left...normally.

I also know that it's a full moon. Y-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-y. I love full moon nights, but they do bring on the sad ache sometimes. That one I just blame on extra magnetic pull on the poles.

See? I really am a rationalizing queen. I can justify pretty much anything, at surface value anyway. :)

But this one isn't a stranger to me. I don't usually write or journal about it because it's elusive. I've written a few solid poems over the years and one song, once upon a time, that came close... but poetry is hard for me to finish these days (i have a notebook FULL of 1/2 done pieces), and songs - those ended all those years ago.

This is a spot, deep inside of me, that screams of loneliness sometimes. The rest of the time it is placated, kept occupied and diverted by music, art, work, activity...

Tonight, when I went out to walk for the 2nd time, it hit. It had been there, lurking, just under the surface during the day, but I felt that it would remain calm. I did my usual, worked on a project or 3 (knitted a hat for myself, am searching for a song for a friend, and took photos of areas around town), ate (that's a change, I rarely eat and that does tend to catch up to me from time to time, I get worn down), took a quick nap (30 minutes) with the plan of getting up and going out to walk another 3.5-4 miles (I did 4 in the morning)...I got up and that vague feeling was still there. Okay, get some water, and head out. Walking is theraputic for me in a few ways...one, it lets me eat without worrying that I've wrecked anything (yes, I know this is borderline disorder...awareness is half the battle, don't worry), keeps me energized and strong, and clears my mind of the clutter of living. During the darkest times, walking has been my saving source, even when I realized that I was really attempting to walk AWAY from my problems. Funny thing, you can't do that, lol. But, it's great for your body/mind anyway.

So, tonight, as I headed out, I felt strong and my pace was solid and easy...but then I felt the ache grow. This is when I know it needs to be acknowledged. When walking brings it to the surface more. It's a bit like an erupting volcanoe...before I know it, I'm crying. Still walking, no slowing the pace, but tears are streaming down my face and I can feel the pool of source right in my center of being. Just right in there. And yes, I do feel silly, trucking along, crying.

In some ways, when I visualize this place, it's an abcess. Sometimes, it's a fountain.

What is it?

I've heard, and read, that artistic people have a spot deep inside of them where pain lives...a deep, untouchable place, and from that spot they find the drive that they need in order to bring order and beauty to the world, in an attempt to ease the ache. It is the great motivator...

I can see that, and I can believe it.

But, for me, the pain is increased because...I want it to be eased.

More. Than. Anything.

I want to find whatever it is that will be able to reach down deep into that place and touch it. Just touch it.

I want to find whatever it is that I will LET reach down deep into that place...

See, that's what I don't understand about this.

This spot, this place in me, feels like it is not only at the center of me, but IS the center of me.

(this is going to get potentially sappy, so either hang on and follow it along or get out of the boat now):

My heart, the part of me that still believes in Santa Claus and Flying Reindeer, in fairy tales and true love and happiness...holding hands and loving sunsets, whiskered faces..., that part of me wonders...

No. I can't go there. Can't put the words to it. I know what they are, I can't put them down. It's not time. When it is, I'll be able to.

So, anyway. It's still there. Still driving me along. And I imagine it will for awhile. Pushing to fine-tune and whittle away the jetsam that doesn't fit. Pushing me to travel and search for whatever it is that will ease the longing that I can't define.

In the meantime, I recognize when it needs to cry and when it needs to be.

And tonight it needed to cry. And tonight, now, as I get ready to go to bed, I will feel more alone than usual, as I always do on these nights.

And...I know that in the morning, when I've had a little rest and I get up and I kick myself in the tush, that it will be quiet once again and I will move along and work on the process, always hoping that the next time the ache is too large that maybe, that time, it'll be just a tiny bit smaller.

Not sure if this ended up where I started it to go. That's how it is with this. It has it's own life and I never really know what it is until it ends up here on the screen.

Sia - I'm in Here

 ~ tonite...it fits ~

(lyrics below)

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

I'm in here, a prisoner of history,
Can anybody help?

[CHORUS]
Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

I'm in here, I'm trying to tell you something,
Can anybody help?

I'm in here, I'm calling out but you can't hear,
Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.
I'm crying out, I'm breaking down,
I am fearing it all,
Stuck inside these walls,
Tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?