Yeah. You forget what the focus was. Holy smokes, that happens too much these days. I honestly do still have focus and ideas and insights and freaking opinions. But I get lost and bored pulling a soliliquey here. I love my friends, but right now they are all on the outs with men in their lives and I am not interested in how every single thing in life applies to how men suck.
I disagree.
Stating that fact there each time the conversation switches in that direction is, oddly enough, a conversation killer.
I'm okay with that. If THAT'S going to be the conversation.
Music, Life, Politics, Ocean, Mountain, Food, Kids, History...that's what i want to talk about. And how it all ties together.
Not how it all relates to men and their perceived suckiness.`
Sorry, that's a rant and I do recognize it as such. It's been an afternoon and evening of talk and msgs full of that ilk and it gets hard to stay polite sometimes.
So.
The previous post. The young man. He never stayed at all. Why does that rate enough to stick it in here? Because when the young woman who lived here moved in it was under the same statement. Daughter, before, when I informed her of the same thing, threatened to run away, and absolutely pulled the card that I didn't want to deal with at the time. I still don't, but if she pulls it again, I'm firm and ready for it. So that's why it made it in here.
I admit quite openly that I am guilty of falling into the trap of being too soft at times when I needed to really draw the cannon. That's not good. There is guilt in me over the effects of the divorce on her, even though I did not initiate it. I know that for awhile she was angry with me for not fighting back, for not fighting to stay. I struggled with that one, wondering if I gave up too easily. I know that I didn't. We were so broken by that point, everything I had to give was from marrow and that was running out as well. My emotional fatigue was more than bone deep. I was completely dry and shattering as a person. The best thing I could do was to let it happen, let it go, turn for a shore that I could see and row us to it. So, I did. And in true hindsight, as well as at the time, it was the right thing to do. Alot of talking to myself, to remind me of those facts.
And she's quite guilty of preying on those feelings, working them to her advantage. She knows my buttons and exactly how to push them. It's been a surprise to her over the past couple of months how she hasn't gotten the reactions she expected. Several have been completely defused.
And mom ain't messing around.
I think that overall she's handling the adjustment well. Did the pouting thing, the withdrawing thing, the "i'm not speaking to you" thing (ok. that one still fries me. I HATE THAT CHEAP ASS STUPID MANIPULATIVE TRICK...if you're not speaking about a certain subject because you need time to think, to chill, to whatever, fine. But the whole "if you don't know then I'm not telling you" "you should know if you've paid any attention at all to me" "if you really care then you'll figure it out" routine...cannot, will not do it. Ever again. No. I don't play that way, not getting played that way). But bottom line, I love her, she knows it, she wants for nothing vital, and I'm here.
And that's really why that statement made it here.
I'm heading to see my mom today. Bean had visitors come to look at him. Gosh, it's going to be hard for me. Just for me, it'll be great for him. That's what matters. Anyway, yes. Heading to the National Cemetery. There are a few "neighbors" of hers that never seem to be visited so flowers go there also.
The National Cemetery has every race, every branch, every gender, every faith, every conflict, every rank all intermingled. A place of solemn gratitude. I hate war. I understand that it is necessary at times, given human nature. Look at a playground, it's no different in dynamics and politics, just bigger people, horrific weapons, mass death as a result. These people, however, who willingly choose to enter the branches and serve, have my gratitude. I realize that not all are noble in motivation, noone ever is in all things, try as hard as we might. Well, some come damn close. But in the masses, it's to be expected. That's not my call to make on anyone there, however. I choose to blind myself and believe in the bits of goodness and nobility there and express myself accordingly.
Today I'm taking a friend with me. I usually go alone, it's always been how I do these things. But this year I made a conscious choice to open up more, to allow the walls to thin, to learn to relax inside of chosen people, as is appropriate.
Overall, that's been going well.
and I'm grateful.
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