This hasn't been chased to ground like the majority of my posts...always edit/edit/edit...but I have to write it. Now.
I have reached the rather frightening conclusion that I may very well be alone for the rest of my days. Alone as in a relationship kind of way.
Firstly, the odds are definitely against me. I'm of a certain age, and the men in my age bracket are either already involved(either with a long-time spouse or a much younger woman) or definitely single for very good reasons. The men who are older are, well...they are getting into that "older" stage, and I feel very young inside still. There are many experiences I still want to take on in life, and I'd like to have my companion with me. I spent so many years alone while married, I don't want to do that anymore. And the younger men are all very young. They don't look at a woman my age in that respect. So for all of that, I'm screwed.
Secondly, I think that I may be a bit too "all over the map" for anyone. This isn't a brag or a pity thing, just an observation. I sometimes can't keep up with myself. If you take things astrologically I am a dual sign, horse/human. I often feel that there are 2 very different parts of me. I see both sides of almost all situations easily, I test as having a mixed dominance in my brain strengths (not predominantly left or right brained, but a fair mix of both). My tastes in music, art, religion, books, clothing are of no set catagory, i like both ends and some of the middle. I am very conservative on some issues and extremely liberal on others. I hold no allegiance to a political party...among many other things. I believe the "nice" word that is used sometimes is eccentric. That conjures images of a freaky, fuzzy headed loony woman living in a victorian house surrounded by african statues and 95 cats. And she's alone(except for the statues which probably talk to her and the 95 cats, all named).
I finally had reached a point where I felt that I could share all of the sides of me with a man, almost...not around, is he? So another part of me is fairly terrified to give that a try again. Worked out so well, after all.
But I don't want to live just showing little parts of myself anymore. I want to be quirky and serious, a seeker and a wise-ass. I want to be a little kid sometimes, and I want to be mystified by the sea and mountains. I want to see the magic in a bird's song and then shove someone into the lake(not to be mean, of course. I'm really NOT a mean person). I don't want to hide who I am, whoever that is. And I don't want to be alone.
So how does that work? That's where I am. I don't think it does. I haven't yet met a man who is willing, or able, to accept all of that in anyone, much less me. I am unremarkable, not the kind of woman to inspire great feats of courage or humor. Not the kind to create a testosterone fueled show-off session. And I think that only a woman who can bring those basic and primitive qualities in a man to the surface is one who could get away with such a dream as mine.
I truly do feel that I have to let it go. Just, letting it go seems like a type of death to me. Part of me will literally wither and die. That hurts. But trying to keep the hope alive is hurting more right now.
See? Can't just be on a specific side of this issue either. I want it all.
And there it is. Maybe I'll clean this post up later. Maybe I'll just leave it like this, raw and right off the keyboard. Maybe I'll find a song to go with it. But at least it's out of me.
