new post coming later today...

Maybe a few. It's been a rough week or so, so many things happening. Feeling completely overwhelmed! Can't write now, have to leave to do things, but will later this evening.

No, I ain't...

Don't hassle me, I'm trying to process.

                                       But I ain't missing you at all...

New song by Selena Gomez

I don't actually like Selena Gomez, generally speaking, but I do like this song. I like the reaction to it from the kids at school, I think that it is giving them some of the oomph that the year has taken out of them. It's been a tough one for them all, socially, and I like the upturn that's happening. Whew!

oh, Napoleon, make me giggle!

Rock it, Napoleon!

...

So, I had a friend in a situation read over my last post. The question came up over whether or not I am being honest with myself in regards to my feelings.

I think it's a fair question.

The answer is, I'm not sure. And I'm not happy that I'm not sure.

I figure that part of my life is over. I had my shot, and it was an epic fail all the way through. I don't expect to ever find that in my life at this point in the game. I wouldn't be against it, not at all. I just simply can't see anyone caring for me in that way, especially not now that I'm "old". And in this case, I am certain there is no interest and no availability. So, I am going to stop analyzing anything right here and now and just let it lie as is.

At least I didn't make a fool out of myself. I hope...

Maybe I am happier with just pen/paper or computer screen. Feedback sucks in this case.

kinda sad...

Actually, I'm more than "kinda" sad. I AM sad.

Today the Camelot costumes are leaving, the shippers just called. They'll be here in about 2 hours. That's the last tie to a wonderful re-birthing experience for me. Now all that will be left are memories and some random photos.

The people will move on. They already are. I've seen it enough to know that it's how these things cycle. There is the initial tearing away that is hard, and most will try to hang on to something, not willing to let the connection dissolve. Sometimes, solid friendships are built and they last, but it really depends on the individuals and how much they are willing to put into the maintenance of the connection while it bridges the gap between make-believe and real life. For the most part, there is only a vague acquaintance that is left. Someone that you will recognize and say hello to and then that's that. It's a hard time to navigate for alot of people, especially those that are new to the process.

Then there are the times when the friendship possibility is strong and solid, common interests and thoughts are open to conversation and tossing of ideas; but it goes nowhere. One party decides, for whatever reason, to let it go. They move on and don't look back, and the other is left standing there, sad.

That is me.

Today, I accept that the friendship that I thought was going to make it through the process, has not, will not. This one hurts. I thought I had happened upon someone that I could share ideas of politics(maybe even have solid religious discussions, that would have been really great), theatre, gardening, travel, all those things that I love, that I want to learn more about. I like to think way out of the box on things and that upsets alot of people who are uncomfortable with open spaces, so I keep my thoughts and questions to myself in large part. The sadness is a little stronger than it might have been otherwise...okay, alot. This one points out to me that it most respects in my life, I truly am alone. I have my words to share my thoughts and ideas with, but that's all...and I guess that will have to be enough.

I reach for my notebook and pen and scribble down the thoughts that are springing to life in my head and heart. But that's where they'll stay. 

Nothing bounces them up to the next level, or into the next room. They never become fully fleshed out and then just wither and die in their 2-dimensional state. Likely they would do that anyway, but who would know?

Part of this situation could be that, because this person is male, and I am a single female, my motives are being questioned. I can't do a thing about that, nor do I care to(I had to think about that one, but I've decided...i can't worry over every move or word, that's not friendship). I make myself as non-threatening as I can, as I know how(which is funny because how threatening is a hamster?), but I can't do anything about another's perception beyond that. I have been told that I am a flirty person, but I don't see it. I can't flirt, I choke up. I don't know how, for pity's sake. A friend would know that, wouldn't they? He never gave any indication that there was any interest beyond conversation, etc. and I am certain that I did not offend the boundary that I felt. I am confused on all of that, I've never understood any of these things. I don't see what I can do to change it. I think that all that is left is needing to accept it, whether or not I agree or understand.

So. I Am Sad, today. And likely will be for a bit. That I DO understand. I'll be alright, but not for awhile. It will take time, and while that time is taken, I will be sad. 

Everybody hurts...

Looking for the man with the kind, gentle eyes of my 2nd grade hero...

You won't remember me, but I'll never forget how you helped me pick up all the pieces of my paper doll set when they fell.

It was the love of love,
the love that swallows up all else,
a grateful love,
a love of nature, of people,
of animals,
a love engendering
gentleness and goodness
that moved me
and that I saw in you.

• William Carlos Williams

Thank you.

May Day 2011

Gossip and reputation make sure that what comes around-a person who is cruel will find that the others are cruel back to him, and a person who is kind will find others are kind in return. Gossip, paired with reciprocity, allows karma to work here on earth, not in the next life.

Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, 2005

Interesting choice, I know.

Yesterday evening the news came across the wire that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. My first reaction was of to want proof. To see the body, to see for myself that life was no longer possessed by the mortal shell of this evil man.

My second thought was one of extreme caution. We are in for it now.

The news states that the United States acted alone in the operation that brought justice to many who had endured life-altering agony because of this man. I doubt that. Perhaps in the final blow, yes. But I believe that the US is taking responsibility in order to protect our allies and to put into motion another step in the path.

We know, all of us who pay attention, that this is not the end. This is the beginning of the next part of this battle and it's going to be bloodier than what we have seen to date. Bin Laden has now been made a martyr, something that he wanted and needed to have in order to keep his cause fueled. Our government knew this. Now the question left to ponder is, why move towards check when check-mate is not within our grasp yet?

I believe that we had hit a stalemate. I believe that we had been able to take Laden out many times over in the past and had chosen NOT to. Why? Was it for oil? National security? Part of a pawn's game? Why now?

Gas prices in the US are at the highest they have ever been, and set to go higher. A few weeks ago President Obama said in a statement that we need to prepare for gas to be $5/gallon by the end of this month. He then backed off the statement, I don't know what the reason given was. Now, Bin Laden is killed(still want proof on this one). Absolutely oil prices are going to fly. I see a link between the two items, but it isn't well-defined yet.

The talk around my facebook friends is  of 2 camps. The 1st is the YAHOO! HE'S DEAAAAD, group. They are the die-hard, John Wayne, "go-in-and-take-out-the-bad-guy-and-the-town-will-live-in-peace", folks(they will also HATE that description of themselves). The 2nd camp, which is surprising to me, is made up of "this is not Christian behavior, to rejoice over the death of another", although I find it interesting that these same folks are the ones who speak of their own eventual death as a time for joy as they are reunited with God and Savior. This is a complex situation for many.


I have theories, and they aren't all thorough, but this is my blog and I can put them out into the world here, as is.


The first camp: I get the sentiment. I understand completely the desire to have the bad guy gone and the conflict over. This is, of course, a highly idealized thought and one that is not based even remotely close in reality. But the child self that lives in us wants it to be so, almost desperately. The truth of the conflict and the path that we are on is not easily consumed or accepted. In fact, it is so opposed to how we are geared to think as to be completely unsupportable. I worry for them because they ARE going to have their joy hammered in very short order, and that hurts. But I believe that they will be able to pick themselves up and regroup for the next phase.


The second camp: These folks are the greatest concern to me. At times they seem to have lost focus on the truths of justice, consequence, judgement and that God himself created the laws of all that we are bound by...and those laws, in all forms, demand balance, justice, etc. Christians believe that through the saving grace and ordinances brought to humanity by Jesus Christ, as Savior of all, that we can have our wrongs forgiven and be allowed to dwell with God and Son in the eternities. Yes, I believe that also. But not by simply saying, "Hey, I believe". Faith, without works from the self, is dead. Grace is given freely to all who seek, but they must do their part. This isn't a "get out of jail free" card. That goes against the laws of choice/consequence, justice/mercy, etc. I also feel that they are fearful of emotion. It is not wrong to feel anger, or pain, or relief, or even a spark of joy at the thought of a madman being taken down. There is not danger in these feelings unless we lose our sense and begin to freely react in response to them. Being a devout Christian does not mean that we cease to be human, to explore and experience. It does not mean that we are not allowed to feel and express all ranges of emotions. There is a fear that I do not understand anymore. These things are not wrong. It is the refusal to balance that is the worry. And these folks give me the greatest cause for alarm. They are so willing to throw away the harder stands of justice and the temporal judgement that we are recquired to make that they allow everything to come in and be accepted. Everything, except those feelings that keep common sense alive. God didn't make us to be empty vessels needing Him to tell us how to think and feel. He made us as thinking, feeling, acting people and expects for us to stand on our feet. Use him as a guide, not an excuse.


So where do I stand?
I am glad that Bin Laden is dead. In all truth, he had it coming. And he knew it. Karma? Sure. He put himself on the path. Has justice been served? Well, how many thousands have died by his planning? I don't think that it has been served, but this was definitely due. I feel no remorse or pity for him, none at all. His eternity isn't for me to judge and monitor.


If you want to take things biblically, all signs in the world point toward the 2nd coming as being imminent. Certain events are still key and need to occur. This killing of Bin Laden could well be the catalyst that has been missing to bring those events to a head. The roots have been layed out, the rumblings and framework put into place. I have been wondering what would need to happen to flesh it out, and I believe that will begin soon.


But not before May 21st. That, supposedly, according to a large group of fundamentalist based Christians, is the rapture. 19 days away. Hmmm...


I am very cautious. We are going to get hit, hard. It has to happen. We all knew that, I think. It could not go on as it was. We had been at stall for too long. It was a matter of when it was deemed to be the most advantageous to make the move. I wonder why now?


Bin Laden knew that he needed the martyrdom, it was planned for that all along. I think all the world's governments knew it as well. It gives a new and much more frightening depth and definition to the fight. Again, why was now chosen as the correct time to set this into motion?


Does it have anything to do with our economy? Obama cut the military down pretty low and pulled troops out of countries, but we have to have that military base if for nothing else than the economic boost it gives. Is the strike in order to allow for the increase again while saving face for the man who just tossed his hat into the upcoming presidential race? Is it to give the rising gas prices an excuse?


The storm that will now begin is going to shock many. Don't discount these words.


I lived with the culture for almost 25 years. I did not embrace it for acceptance, but for understanding. What I know is that the middle eastern people and the western people do NOT think alike. Our actual brain processes are different, in most cases, opposite. I kid you not. The things they say are not to be taken as we take them, and so we misunderstand. They hear our words of sincerity and to them it means something completely different and so when they react as they would in their world, we are stunned. Many were furious with Obama over his approach to the almost-uprising in Iran 2 summers ago. But there was no other tact he could take. It was a set-up by the Iranian government, and in part by the people as well. I recognized it from the way my life had been orchestrated, and I saw that there was nothing that could be done except to sit and wait it out.


And so that's really all we can do now. Be prepared, do our emergency prep as we've been instructed, and wait. The storm, she is coming. And she's almost perfect.