let me show you the world through my eyes...

Depeche Mode

Let me take you on a trip
Around the world and back
And you won't have to move
You just sit still

Now let your mind do the walking
And let my body do the talking
Let me show you the world in my eyes

I'll take you to the highest mountain
To the depths of the deepest sea
And we won't need a map, believe me

Now let my body do the moving
And let my hands do the soothing
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is
Nothing more than you can feel now
That's all there is

Let me put you on a ship
On a long, long trip
Your lips close to my lips
All the islands in the ocean
All the heavens in the motion
Let me show you the world in my eyes

That's all there is
Nothing more than you can touch now
That's all there is

Let me show you the world in my eyes

no explanation

Blue Oyster Cult

Don't Fear The Reaper

Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are

Rihanna

Stay

i threw my hands in the air and said

"show me something..."

Cider Sky

Northern Lights

Every time I close my eyes I can touch the colors around me

tired

Jeez Pete, yes. I'm tired.
Not complaining. I'm okay with it, really. Just admitting it here, where nobody knows and nobody cares that I feel weak and incapable sometimes.
I don't normally sleep much, don't have much of an attraction toward it, but right now...my bed is the prettiest place ever.
I'm beyond grateful each year for this extra job, it pays well and it gives great hours, helps me keep up on some bigger bills and put money aside for summer plans with the girls. I do notice, however, the exchange of self for that money. Managing the house, yard, car, family, and working 50+/wk...how do people do this?
Of course, it would probably help if I wasn't determined to not stop having a life outside of work as well.
Let's not go there.
It's not up for discussion.
Only til April 17th...and then I will miss the office and the people a great deal. I do really like this work.
And I'm very fond of my co-workers.
So, brief break here this morning, not scheduled at the bakery and have paid the bills, taken care of phone business, done some housecleaning, going to get some more done and then errands...but first, my workout. Ate pizza last night. Gotta pay the piper.
Just wanted to share the news.
I'm tired.

This past week was Mum's birthday. March 12. 
She was born in Alamosa, Co in 1926, on a ranch that had belonged to the family for many years. When her grandfather died, the ranch had to be sold to pay bills, taxes, etc. and her father became a hired hand on the place that he had grown up on. I don't know that he ever got over that. But into the small shack house for workers he moved his wife and young daughters.
Space and food were limited, the girls were farmed out to other family members as needed. Kind family, that had to help. 
She married a young man, an officer in the Army Air Corps, straight out of high school. She always said that she didn't love him...but I don't believe that. 
They were together a very short time, she and Gene Asay, before he was called up for service in WWII. He was killed in a training mission. I've read passages from a memory book compiled by Gene's family and all accounts from people talked of his lovely young bride, pale and weak with grief. She, in later years, would tell me, when I finally discovered him, that she used him as a means to get off of the ranch and nothing more. I still don't believe it. It was how she looked when she talked about him...it was the fact that she didn't talk about him, that I never knew about this man my mother had been married to until I was in the 6th grade and accidentally found a stash of photos, letters, small mementos. He was a handsome guy, he had a kind face, the kind that new that unkindness existed in the world but wasn't going to give it power over him. All those farm kids in the depression era, they all knew about hard times and hard people. 
My siblings dad, my dad...no, she probably didn't love them.But who knows. 
Mom worked for the state departments, the military, the state park system...
We moved alot. She was always looking for the place to call home. THAT place. 
When she and my father were divorced for the 2nd time, we moved to WA. I'll never forget that night, the one I learned this. We had been looking in Northern Ca, where we lived, and we'd been looking in Missouri and Iowa. But she came into the living room and handed me a map of WA and told me that she thought we needed to move there. 
I was the map kid. I still am. I love maps. I would read them over, memorize them, copy them, plan out routes, add up miles, check elevations...I do the same now, except that when i actually get out on the road, I put it away and just go on instinct. Must be all those years of orientating myself.
Anyway, she handed me the map, gave me the general area and turned me loose to get to know the area. My sister had been living in Graham WA for awhile, and we'd been up for visits, so the locale wasn't unfamiliar entirely. I already knew i loved it. But those names, omiheck.
Puyallup. That was a fun one to work on. Nope, wasn't even close. Then we got here and saw names such as Stilliguamish, Nooksack, Skookumchuck, Nisqually, Chehalis, etc. 
Love it. I love those names. They roll and trip off my tongue now, old familiar friends. 
We sold stuff, we packed, we moved. 
And i found home, for the first time in my life. 
But that's another story.
When Mom died, just there with me, just as she would...the biggest thing that hit me was the awareness that we each experience the same happening differently. That people are different to each of us. Maybe it had been there in my head already, but in talking with the others in the days after, I realized clearly that we each had a different mom. She was unique to each of us in how she parented, loved, punished, taught...We each saw her differently, and it was frustrating at first. It became very interesting for me once I realized how silly it was that we were upset with each other for different feelings about things. 
Mom was a dreamer, a pragmatist. She was a writer, an artist, a free soul who couldn't sing, couldn't dance(St Vitus Dance as a child had damaged her nervous system). She loved music, nature, esp the mountains and sea. She needed a man who could let her be all the different parts of herself with feeling threatened, and I'm not sure that she ever found him. She was a glamorous vixen, a plumber, electrician, carpenter. She was a high heeled lady who raced Corvairs. 
I wish that my younger daughter could have known her. 
I saw a woman who held on to her heart and emotions so tightly, determined to never be hurt again. 
I saw a woman who should have been cherished, but wouldn't allow it. 
I admire my mum in so many ways...but that one. And that's okay. 
That's all. Just some thoughts about her. Lovely Eileen McCallum. 
I miss you, Mum. Every damn day. Sometimes, it hurts. I just want you to hold me and let me feel taken care of for a moment. I hope whatever you were needed for in such an allfire hurry was worth it. 
love you always ~

Rihanna

Stay

I like it...Deadmau5 AND Gerard Way???

Try, I love it. 

Just don't try to take it seriously or find any deep meaning...there isn't any. Isn't supposed to be.

Professional Griefers

deadmau5, ft Gerard Way

During this time of the year I work part-time at a tax prep office. I'm not a tax prep, the work that I do is as a receptionist. It's a good job, I enjoy this type of work. I wish it was a year round gig, but I appreciate the opportunity just as it is. 

Being that it's a tax office, during peak tax season, people from all walks of life, from all ages and from all stages of life, come in. Some are nice, some are resigned, some are angry...some are frightened. People come in to stay on top of their financial situation, and people come in to clear up their financial situation. Deaths, divorces, births, marriages...all are covered. It is an amazing and complete collection of life. The poor, the rich, the unemployed, the over-employed(yes, there is such a thing), the disabled, the student, the retired. 

The most intriguing and rewarding part of my job is working to equalize the emotional temperature in the office at all times. To assist the preparers, the clients, law enforcement(it happens), corporate and general public. I liken it to proper wound care...if it's too wet, dry it out. Too dry, add moisture, etc. It can be exhausting and there are days when my strongest desire, after several challenges, is to just tell someone who is coming at me from an unpleasant place to f*** off. I don't, of course. But I want to. Always I remember that if they are being reactive toward me, who has done absolutely NOTHING to them, then they are dealing with strong emotions, most likely based, ultimately, in fear. I can sympathize with that. And I can deal with that. Very, very rarely am I unable to positively impact the situation. I don't know why, or how. 

One of the most challenging situations deals with divorce. Not challenging for me because of my own experience, but because of the raw emotions involved. People are hurting. They are afraid of the pain that they feel and angry because they feel it and can't make it stop. 
I hear so many stories, hear of so many conflicts. People reacting to them, others planning them. Revenge. 
Tonight, there was a man there who needed to approach his ex-wife about claiming their children for the child/tax credit...and he was afraid. His new wife was afraid. Afraid!

It occurred to me, at just that moment, that as an ex-wife (God, I hate that term. I hate saying "ex", I hate it beyond description. It's a term that takes an experience, a relationship, and plops it into a negative category), an ex-girlfriend, an ex-friend...I'm good. I am not bragging at all. I am seriously saying that the last thing that I want, in any ending, is for there to be anger. I won't blame, I won't yell, I won't attack, I won't argue, I won't plot. I won't do any of it. I refuse. What good is it? Does it help healing happen? I'm not saying I won't feel anger, hurt, etc...but I choose to not react with it. I'm not a pushover. I have boundaries and I will protect them. If it's a love relationship and I'm left, then it's over. I don't take people back. 

I've tried before. It doesn't work. If they left once, they will leave again. No one has ever shown me otherwise. Period. But we can be friends, depending on them. 

If they leave my friendship, then we are done. Maybe this is a big weakness in me...it probably is. I don't know how to work around it, so I'm not going to try, at least not right now. If I can't figure a way to not be that way, then it might just be the right way for me...I don't know. 

But I still won't wish ill.

Life is just too short, too uncertain, too full of sadness and pain to add to that. People matter, that's why I don't throw them away. But even when they leave your life, there's no reason to perpetuate pain. To try to hurt back. None. 

Anyway. Those were just some thoughts that were running through my mind. 

The Heart Of The Matter

Don Henley