you

2000 miles between us right now,

But not really...I fell asleep for a moment,  downstairs by the fire

Trying to be warm,

And I dreamed of you.

Nothing special,  just that you were here, sitting as you do,

reading quietly, 

a "huh" every now and again,  

or an "is that right?", spoken more to the air about something you've just learned and I, watching or working nearby, want to know what it is. 

You always share, and I thank you so much for that. 

My kitten-boy-almost-a-cat came onto my lap, head on my chest, purring, and woke me. 

Disappointed in that waking, I held him, stroking his fur, feeling his warmth on my cheek and took comfort in his company and friendship. 

And missed you. In every part of me.

I love you, you see. 

That's just how it is. That beautiful,  not sought for, unexpected, but somehow inevitable love. 

I've fought it, I've feared it, but I cannot deny it and have no longer have any wish to. To give up and let it be...how lovely. 

Now, on my bed...not in it, but on it, blanket wrapped around me, scent of you on this pillow, I close my eyes and you seem close. 

2000 miles away.  

But there's work I need to do this week, to keep me busy, occupied, mind off of you being gone. 

I should sleep now.  

The story is old

I've been told, a few times, that various bits of my life and experiences are worthy(a word that I am deeply uncomfortable with, by the way) of being in book form. My young life, my teen years, my experiences with my marriage and how the divorce went down, my journeying through it all, my focus through these things, what I've gleaned, so far, from these things...

I do write about them, in other places. I express my thoughts, feelings, lessons, in many ways. I dance, which if you are a reader here then you know, I take photos of what I see that strikes a particular chord of thought or emotion, I write. I sing. I try to set my home up to reflect the good things pulled. I try to give to others those good things. 

Books? I've always had it in my mind, but the bottom line, for me, is that there's nothing new here.

This is just another human muddling through another life experience. 

My marriage and divorce, those events are often seen as rather incredible, in the true use of that word. In many ways it's all just so far out there, even though none of it is even exaggerated, it would be seen as being portrayed in a sensationalist way. I don't want that. The lessons would be lost inside of it all.

My travels through panic and depression...I truly have learned much, and perhaps those lessons could be of some use. Based not all in the head, but also in the physiology of it all, It isn't for everyone, that's for certain. It's hard, it's painful...rather, it's pain-filled, it's messy work. Not everyone can do that and not everyone who can, should. Period. Medication is valuable and has it's place. So.

My time spent struggling with the ongoing and escalating abuse in my world, and my pathways through the aftermath...dark places to visit and while I do, without fear and without trauma these days, i don't know that there is wisdom in taking others there. My darkness, born out of that black pit of pain, is mine, it is my friend now because i made it such. I realized that I cannot be without it, my life has no reset button, so I needed to befriend it, to see it, to comfort it, to give it a place to boil and cry it's darkness, to bind the fracturing seamlessly so that light can not only survive but prevail. Do I take another soul there? I don't see how I can, in any good conscience. It's the reason that I don't talk much of it. I can see it, occasionally and only in part, from the stance of someone looking in, what it might appear like to them. For me, I understand it. I know every valley there, every rock, every tree, every stump, marsh, beast, sound, scent. It's the place that became out of the evil yet the true evil has long left there, there is no fear for me there anymore. 

But how can someone see that, know that much of me was given life there as I visited and was visited by death of many kinds, and ever look at me the same way? I don't believe that it can be done. Is it worth the risk? Perhaps this is a selfish thing on my part. I don't know. For me, it doesn't matter where I've been, what made me who I am, only that I am. I am whole. 

So. "Here" is where I write of these things that I share. 

"There" is where I write of the things that live that may never be shared.

Because, the story is old. It is the story of many. I am nothing special. it's what I do with it that matters. It's all that matters.

Because, at the end of it all, all i am is a survivor.

It's interesting to me that the actual written posts go unread.

Perhaps it would be okay to release some of my more personal pieces here ... but only if I knew they'd go largely unseen .

hmmm ...

The Pretty Reckless "Going to Hell" acoustic: http://youtu.be/DhpbT-4mRiM

Arctic Monkeys - Stop The World I Wanna Get Off W…: http://youtu.be/3PyoxMSEHYI

today

I went north today to help a friend and decided to drive past the house. I wouldn't have, I don't really care about it at all, but on a lark, I did.

The shrubs are cut way down. No big. It looks bare. Drove around back and as I passed the driveway I was hit with a sharp wave of revulsion. I glanced into the backyard and felt it deep inside me. As I drove away, out of the development, I began to giggle a little. That quickly turned to deep sobbing.

I was free.

I escaped.

Fought and clawed my way out of that cage that I had begun to feel I would never break away from.

Free.

Love. So much love.

OneRepublic - Burning Bridges (Lyric Video): http://youtu.be/8HaU7Lq0tew

Mix - The xx - Crystalised: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pib8eYDSFEI&list=RDPib8eYDSFEI

Depeche Mode - In Chains

annnnd...

I think...I mean, it's quite possible...
the house is sold.

Still have the inspection and appraisal to mess with, so nothing is set in the proverbial stone just yet.

Oh boy.

Here we go.

'bout damn time, at that. 

Both are me.

I can't be who I am without both sides and I insist they get along.
This time, they are.

deadmau5 - Hey Baby [HQ]: http://youtu.be/yOZmCQWZ5tw

Kaskade - Be Still: http://youtu.be/Up0-9f0LOR4

Wow.

That's wanting.
Not needing, there's a difference, although at times it looks the same.
Want.

Because

Sometimes you just need to be quiet by the water and listen to the answers inside your questions.

It's just that.

I've always liked the song, but not Adele's version. So much nicer, this one. I feel it tonight, deeply.

Mick McAuley & Winifred Horan - To Make You Feel …: http://youtu.be/8jY6mFKQQCU

Without you, things go hazy

Rosi Golan feat. William Fitzsimmons - Hazy (lyri…: http://youtu.be/wcisk24x_hU

Disclosure - Latch feat. Sam Smith (Official Vid…: http://youtu.be/93ASUImTedo

a night of reflection

Things have been tense between former and I. After being told that he no longer trusts me, that I have failed to teach our younger daughter good vs bad, among other things, today he asks for my help in becoming her friend because she's going to need support and help.

I was fairly frustrated and dumbfoundedby this request. It's just too much to go into, but did me the bottom line is that I have bent over the barrel and taken it for years to help facilitate a relationship between him and the girls and looking at the wreckage that remains after his last destructive attempt to be in her life, I'm feeling very guilty. Guilty that I allowed the negative influence to continue while trying to whitewash the truth in the hopes that both sides would figure it out. In truth, I suppose it had to run this course, and will need to likely get worse before it can get better. I couldn't have interfered without just cause of abuse, he had to have enough rope to hang himself, and now that he has I only hope that he can figure it out.

I hate this.

Hate.

Tonight I'm grieving for my dream of a "real family" for my children, the one I dreamed of. A father and a mother working together to create a life, to love, to support, to protect, to nuance each other, to show them how to grow, to learn, to share, to work, to hurt inside and how to forgive, how to try, how to live. I know that I tried as hard as I could, I thought if I dreamed that dream hard enough that it would cross the threshold and become something real. That was wrong of me. And my girls are paying the price. I can't tell you how awful that feels. What's worse is that there's nothing that I can do to change it. Tonight, it hurts very, very much. Tonight, it's very raw.

Dear someone said that she doesn't need a friend, she needs a father. A father and a mother.

He's very right. And I took that to reflect, wondering if that means that I am failing her as a mother.

Things are not as I know they should be, not as I want them to be for her, or for her sister. Things are better, however. And once this house sells and we are no longer in this constant cancerous reminder of betrayal it will be even better, even in the midst of change.

I don't know what to do other than this.
I can't, nor will I try, to be a father to them. That's silly. I'm their mom.  I'm not one of those women who believes that a mom takes a father's place.  it's impossible. The influence of a man who cares, who they trust to be there and do the right thing whether they like it or not, is not one that can be filled by a woman.

And so my heart is breaking tonight for that loss, for that unclaimed place in their lives.

All I can do is let the pain run it's course and find strength and hopefully guidance inside it.

Yes.

This, here. This is me.
Be it good or bad, I've never been able to make myself try and talk someone into wanting me.

Still.

I like the original release very much, but of the YouTube offerings, this is my favorite.
A beautiful, emotional song, every part of it is filled with feeling and I can't bear to hear it phoned in.

Eric Clapton - While my guitar gently weeps (HQ)…: http://youtu.be/rj4J6i_vw0w

:/

A frustrating night.

Waiting waiting waiting waiting

Tired
Frustrated
Missing a touch

Sell, house. Dammit.

Job to apply for, would be quite nice.

I'm ready.

Please.

Ok. Being very honest here...
The stress of getting the house done and moving, handling it all myself, trying very hard to not mess everything up, having gotten used to the idea of it as now and moving forward then having it halt and be back at square one, work worries, worries about daughters, the former,concern for a someone and a sincere wish I could set up a table top care center for him, some stuff...well, tonight it's hit me hard. My head is spinning again and I'm dizzy. Ok. I'm flatout scared.
Please, universe. Don't let me f it all up.
Please.

well

Nutshell.
Work was crazy.
Sale fell through, actual note written in agents box says it's due to buyers being crazy.
Darn.
It's ok, I saw pretty clearly what I need to do to get us out of here, now I have a bit more time.
Liquidated some assets for that purpose.
Kid is headed off to warp tour tomorrow.
Other kid ended a job today, starts next one in a wk.
Had to contact former spouse.
Got dizzy. Feeling better now.
Miss someone.

The one that works

This song, it's a motivator for me. I'm not a fighter against anyone except myself, against anything except my own discouragement, my hesitation at the moment of movement.
Walk into it.
Grab firmly, no tenativity.
Make it be.

Lose Yourself by Eminem | Eminem: http://youtu.be/xFYQQPAOz7Y

Depeche Mode - John the Revelator (Music Video) (…: http://youtu.be/752Gev1guKw

Summer begins in 2 hours.

There's a house showing.

There's been a sadness.

There is a potential misunderstanding.

There is the dilemma of fix it or not.

True

A lesson learned long ago.

Wow

Will Someone Ever Look At Me That Way? - Audra Mc…: http://youtu.be/wKT2EzcEKvY

onward ever

Fears, worries. Lord, they've wreaked havoc in me the past few days, confusing me to the point of not knowing what was right in front of me. I don't like myself when this happens. I feel like the proverbial train wreck. But it's possible to grab hold of a runaway engine, I've learned that, find the places where you can turn the track, just a little, make the momentum slow. Yesterday was about many of those tiny turns, and holding a dear friend's hand in her
difficult time.
Younger daughter is going to be fine.
Plans in place.
Confronting conversations had.
The house lists this week.
One step after another.
My composure broke, which I don't like. But even though it doesn't happen often, I suppose it's best to have it seen and either accepted or not.  Very grateful for that person, was a rock for me when I needed one. That means a lot.
Life goes on.

Ear worm

Divine Fits - Would That Not Be Nice: http://youtu.be/8NqbhygoDSA

update

Got a wild hair a couple nights ago, did all the painting.

This morning, figured out the closet doors, this afternoon bought the stuff. Tonight, the rest of the hardware will come out, holes patched, then paint and done.

I'll list next week.

This is a major deal. I've always planned this. It will sever all ties, except the girls, with my former spouse. I haven't held on to the house because of any reason other than blank necessity. I'm beyond done with this. I'm grateful, but I'm done.

God, I feel freedom from his influence already.

Because behind all of his pretty talk, he continues to be bitterly angry at me for the same unknown reasons that I never understood before and has just shown me that he is still willing and able to thrust his blade of cold cruelty into my sense of calm and accomplishment, for no reason other than to make certain that I know, and never forget, just how fallible I am.

Attempting to control me and manipulate me through pain and fear into conforming to the idea that he feels I should be, has always felt that I should be, that I have never been.

Incredible...to walk away from that, leave it behind me, leave the ghosts of his anger at me for all that I am. Everything that I was that always he knew about but hated...my music, my humor, my dreams, my hopes, my reading, my fears, my strength. I know that sounds immodest, but it isn't. I'm not saying that those things of mine are awesome, just that what they are they are, and how they are he seemed repulsed by. You'd think I was the one who left, except that my forgiveness and acceptance of his stuff has always, ALWAYS, angered him. But to be free from that, in all ways and not just in myself, but really. REALLY.

School. I could go to school part-time, work part-time, an idea from a someone, who matters. I could  plan for a future of working without physically crippling myself. Pay off the credit card, financial planning, help older daughter with school, pack money into a retirement account...who knows.

So much is already packed.

Garage sale, more furniture to sell...

It'll probably be an apartment for awhile, maybe not. I'd love a yard still...a garden again.
Anyway. All in it's time.

The point is, it's been a major hurdle, a pinnacle to achieve. And it's happening.

What the future holds, who knows. I'm only looking at now.

And being thankful.

Arctic Monkeys - Knee Socks BBC Radio 1 [Live fro…: http://youtu.be/lVBjs4xf3W4

Yes

ergh

So, tomorrow it's been a week since the incident at work. And it's been a rough week. As I'm slowly coming out of the fog around that day I'm realizing how deeply it affected me. Damn it. I have a total understanding now of the term "dick in the dirt", in a way that I hadn't before. Just this evening, as I decided to spend a little time taking care of myself,  did that became clear to me. I can't say that I've always looked forward to going to work but I've rarely dreaded it. That's changed, and it's a struggle. I keep thinking that each day will get easier as more time passes, but so far that just isn't the case. Then again, it's been a very long 2 wks, working double shifts and extra days with only 2 days of and those a week apart. But after my morning shift tomorrow I have 3.5 days off. I can barely wait.

And, conditions in the neighborhood are getting worse.  Tonight a couple of kids were beginning to hit the fence with their skateboards and I had to confront them.

I've been stuck in the thought that I need a different job before I list the house. No. I had to pad on a good job because the start date was immediate. So, I need to list and sell, relocateand then find the job. Because bottom line, I have to get us out of here and I'm tired of saying that and not accomplishing it. There's a beast of a wall to paint, and that's it. It's ready to go, much is already packed.

So.

Yeah.

I do feel a little better understanding how much that incident impacted me.

Now I just need to be brave and take care of it.

A week. Fear. with one very small, but significant, change in a word.

*below, I used the word "start" in reference to movement. That was incorrect. I was half asleep, exhausted, drained...the word I wanted, and meant, is "keep".

I've had a heck of a week. Been working extra shifts covering for people to have this coming memorial day wkend off, had a very upsetting event happen there that set off a ptsd struggle in me, betrayal by a good, good friend, topped with missing a someone who's out of town and then an unexpected moment when I thought I was being dumped. And there, after all that, I'm struggling. 

Many tears, fears, aches, pain. Dramatic, but unintentionally so.

I've been doing much reading the past few days, to get myself back online.

I like for all the answers to be in front of me. It never happens. I know the path is
found in the journey. Life has always shown me the way, along the way. What makes now different?

Well, I know that. And I am not ready to go into that.

But what I am saying is that while I don't know what is ahead, I know that I need to keep walking.

And I found this, this evening, that sums up every single thing I've known and been remembering.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/11/17/10-harsh-realities-that-help-you-grow/

So.
Ok.
Wish me good things. Please.
I'm scared.

A woman's heart is said to be a fickle, shallow thing. Poets, artists, scholars, priests, they've all said the same thing. I will admit that a female heart can be just such a creature...but that would be the heart of a girl.
The heart of a woman is something altogether different. A woman's heart has many layers, many rooms. It bears the scars of life and living, of loving and never being loved in return. It knows great joy, and as all things light must carry a shadow of equal size, it knows great pain...and it knows them intimately.
She may not choose to be wise, or to have this depth of feeling, yet there it is. She may try to run from it, yet it will follow.
And there she is.

Someday

From my viewpoint, older daughter has found a someone like this...or rather, he found her. They have a nice story. Someday, I'll share it in condensed form.

Younger daughter, not yet. But then, she hasn't found anyone that she is this way about. She's so young still, not quite 17. Plenty of time.

Wouldn't it be nice?

tonight

Tonight, work done.
Tonight, sunburn still.
Tonight, I cooked dinner.
Tonight, went to a secluded beach.
Tonight, felt peace. Not complete peace, but peaceful bits.
Tonight, felt discontent, but it's ok.
Tonight, sleepy.
Tonight, early bed for me.
It's hot, so no wrapping in a blanket, but thoughts of someone.

this morning

This morning, the sun is shining. 
This morning, kitten discovered the joys of a toilet paper roll. 
This morning, the birds with a nest out front had eggs hatch. 
This morning, I listened to Come To Me. and smiled. 
This morning, another box packed. 
This morning, I paid bills. Not much money left, but the light switches do things, water is hot, internet works, baby has new shoes, water turns on when we want it and the garbage gets picked up. 
This morning, I have a sunburn. 
 This morning, I worked on a gift for a someone for the coming winter. 
This morning, coffee is lovely.
 This morning, I miss him. 
 And his someones. 
 This morning, I got a text from my older girl.
 This morning, the air is clean and crisp. 
This morning, younger girl is sleeping deep in her bed, dark hair mussed into her pillow, the same sweet look on her face that she's had since baby days. 
This morning, I danced. 
This morning, I feel summer coming. 

So shake your ass or whatever else you want to and do this thing. 
Make it awesome. 
Make it brilliant. 
Make it real and god...make it alive. 

 My current earworm (these guys are the bomb)

The Kongos

Hey I Don't Know

Mother's Day

It's not an easy day for me.

So many people are stressed over expectations, on both sides. It always seems to simply defeat the idea all to hell.
And I struggle with my feelings of inadequacy as a mom, mightily at times.

Spent a whirlwind 12 hrs with a someone who will be across the nation for 2 weeks, drove back and straight to my opening shift at the farm, got home, tired but wouldn't have missed those few hours...heard from someone that they were safe, and feeling relieved, was able to sleep. Woke up after a couple of hours, feeling a little lost, daughter out on a first date, came downstairs and saw this on the counter.

So. I may have cried a bit.
But that's ok.

A dress

So. Today, after a night of crazy dreams and feeling almost panicky that I showed a bit more emotion a day or so ago than I am comfortable with...have I mentioned that I'm fucked? Yeah. But that's not for this. Anyway, a darn rough night and hoping I haven't completely wrecked something, daughter and I headed out on my day off to do some stuff.
She wanted to hit some thrift stores, get food, talk. We did.
Now, I like shopping, but I approach it with purpose when I'm after something. Heck, I plan the stops so that the stores, or whatever, are in a loop, as efficient as possible. In a thrift store I know what I'm needing, and head down the aisles, visually scoping. I needed a couple of short sleeved shirts, one dressier one, at least 2 to wear under, nicer than straight camis, if possible a coat and, my frivolous wish, a dress. But...they all have to either be half price or under $5, and I refuse to hunt. So.
Found the 2 short sleeved shirts very quickly and 2 for under. Next stop the long sleeved white shirt, boom, and after playing with the pimp daddy trenchcoats because it made daughter groan, spotted the exact coat I wanted.
Last stop, followed daughter around, then just knew my dress was there. Walked over to the area, third dress I touched was it. Didn't try it on, just popped the hanger over my head, asked daughter what she thought, threw it in the basket, grabbed a dress for her off the same rack, out we went.
Got home finally, tried it on.
I love it.
I feel like a girl in it.
So excited, I posted a picture. $5!! Didn't even look for it, really. :)
People are being very complimentary, but...
Well, damn it. It bothers me. It's why I don't post many photos of myself.
You see, I have no illusions about my looks. I wish, sometimes desperately which I hate to admit, that I could be pretty. I really do, just being honest. And I know that I'm not. I don't think about it generally, because I can't change it, I'm just me.
I don't like being seen.
Only by some people, and then it's scary as anything I've ever known.

But this. I'm not looking for praise, for compliments, for approval. I'm just me. Excited about this dang dress and I'm gonna wear it every chance I get. Working at the farm, if I get to feel like a girl, then I want to.
Now I'm hiding under bubbles in a tub.
Anyway.
Thanks for listening.
Like you have a choice.
;)

take me

Not a happy song, but the percussion and vocals are incredible. It has the kind of sound that soothes me. Kongos - Take Me Back: http://youtu.be/u6q13P0JYho

Dance me. I'll dance you.

Beautiful.
Just sing for me, play.
The dancing happens, one way or another.

Dance Me to the End of Love // The Civil Wars // …: http://youtu.be/ph1p_LsAA4c

I forget

I forget what doesn't matter. I remember the feelings, the sights, sounds, scent. The sharing, the thoughts, the ideas, the dreams, the frustrations. The rise and fall, ebb and flow. Steadily, in. Then out. And in again. It's nice. Very nice.

There's a kitten. A cat. Couple of pups. Daughters. There's a someone, with someones. Who I miss. Very much. A job...one that's physically hurting me this year, and to be honest, I'm a little concerned. There's sunshine. There's life. A few close friends. There's worry, and with it, some tears. That's life. And it's good.

Yes

Huh

Soooo, who's been creeping in my head?

Kindness

I highly doubt that this quote should be attributed to Jewel...it's oft said, because it is a truth.
But I an drawn to the picture, and the quote is a cornerstone in my life.

You and I. We're pressing flowers.

The Civil Wars I like them so very much. Beautiful song. Pressing Flowers - The Civil Wars (Lyrics): http://youtu.be/v6opP57xgU8

.

I do believe this.

And I do this.

I leave important words unsaid.

They may be important to me, but that doesn't mean that they matter to anyone else.

They may be about a way that I feel, about someone, something...but if that isn't shared, or understood, where's the reason to speak the words?

Don't assume it isn't, just because you don't hear it. Not from me, at any rate.

If you want to know and you just aren't sure...
Ask.

Now, if only I could follow that advice. But I am very, very careful to not ask what I am not certain I am prepared to hear and handle.

It's my struggle. And even in here I don't open that part of me up.

Vampire Diaries - 5x12 Music - Olivia Broadfield …: http://youtu.be/UJScuFplLJA

random

A dump pile. You've been warned. Not editing for space or rambles right now, this is to get it out of me. Took a book with me to share. Forgot to share. Also came back with a gift for eldest daughter of someone still in my bag, next to book not shared. I didn't see her this time, totally left the front of my mind. Doggone it. Rather, damn it all. Siblings did get theirs. Double shit. Talked with dear, dear friend late and long last night. This after a conversation with someone in her world who told me of a direct about face in that life and plans for quiet reparations already under way...which she then shared with me as well. She's in a situation with a murky path ahead. I'm in a situation that scares the hell out of me...but I'd have it no other way. Actually, I'm in a few situations that are unnerving, but of this shared kind is what I'm speaking of. I made the comment that I am sooo fucked. She took me to task, thinking that I meant a negative. I didn't, and after explaining my usage, which was that I'm in and for whatever it is I don't want out even though it scares the hell out of me, she then understood. We talked much much more, and then, at the end, with many tears, mostly on my part, she said, "Well, to wrap this up, we're both fucked." "And we're both okay with that," I replied. We sat for a moment. I started to laugh through my tears and she started to cry through her smile, and then heads on shoulders, we stared out the window at what should have been a full moon. Today the yard and garage are being attacked some more. Then the last day at the tax office. A start at the farm on Thursday with a light schedule there until the May 1 open. Good timing. Realtor comes tomorrow to critique before listing. Bank acct got hit, hard, thank everything for network security. Compiling names for kitten. Scottish names. And, a bit of teasing, not completely light hearted, leads me to tie off loose ends in a religious journey long over. I was not hedging bets, it's done. I was avoiding any further direct contact. I don't believe that a mere letter is enough, as elder daughter went this route also, and she was told that it had to be in person, with a signature, to verify that it is indeed her. If that's the case, fine and so be it. I would simply rather not go back at all. Bad memories. But at least with it done, one way or another, it'll be officially over. So that's my day. Take care, friends not here. Be well.

not a believer

There have been a few times, in the past year, when I've been sent a horoscope update randomly. Say, think, feel what you want about it...I withhold statement on the obvious. But twice they have had words that I felt right into my core. Twice, they've been exactly what I was full of questions about. Once, I chose to take a leap and a chance, based on what I felt happen and open up inside of me. I have no regrets on that choice, and whatever comes, I won't. Silly, girl tears of deep gratitude for the experience since. What about the other time this happened? And did I do the same? That was tonight. And yes. It's what I've been battling in myself for the past bit, deeply and passionately the past small bit, and the question has been, is it intuition or...my fear. And now, I do know. Get out of my way, fear. Sagittarius horoscope for Apr 14 2014 You may be interpreting a certain nagging feeling as an intuitive warning. Something keeps stopping you from moving forward with a certain plan, Sagittarius, and you may be attributing it to your sixth sense. But are you sure it isn't something else? Are you sure you aren't confusing a fear of the newness of that plan with a prescient warning? The best way to figure it out is to let go of the fear by embracing the possibilities. If you can get excited about the potential, you may move beyond the fear and into a feeling of positive anticipation.

to be ok

Is important. There's so much I want to write about. So much that I want to share.

Oasis.

Oasis - Wonderwall - Official Video: http://youtu.be/6hzrDeceEKc Sorry to do it this way, with links. The phone, for all of it's wonders, has limitations.

A fire

At the end of a long and very productive day. Man, I'm not going to lie...my body aches tonight. I started running again last week and have almost gotten things used to how that all feels...had been doing the abs and weights for a couple of weeks, getting ready for the farm...but dang. Yard work, and more tomorrow to get the annual thatch and clover out of the lawn, cleaning the car, packing boxes and cleaning the garage(read that as, lots of over my head on a ladder lifting), and I'm feeling it. Took the girls down to Seattle today also. I think, after this fire dies down, it's going to be hot bath time. With my kahlua coffee. And ibuprofen.

It's a Lana Del Ray morning, this Sunday. I've been up and puttered about, going out in a bit. House next door, that's vacant and for sale, was broken in to last night. With the whole Molly thing, I've put on 4lbs, time to get that off, so workout is next. Then shower, nails, leave. Triple shot coffee, protein bar, music on an overcast nw spring morning. Yep. Lana.

Lana Del Rey - Hollywood (Unreleased): http://youtu.be/h73IXpY2TFA

Wow. I was looking for a quote to share with a couple of people who are hurting, that I care about, from the same kind of situation but different sides of it, and found this. I think it's beautiful. I didn't find the other quote yet, btw.

Yes

Wolves has been drafted.

It's too personal and I couldn't rest, or even breathe right, with it visible. I was working through that struggle, debating which voice to listen to, and then my girl came home.

Off of the plane, angry...until the tears started. Then the heart and soul deep sobbing, for hours. That wound we opened on the drive to Utah had worked and changed and the sadness behind the anger became visible.

She's very much like me, afraid to find, after relaxing inside of someone's presence, that they don't want to be there. Once you care, know...care, yes...they leave. She said that she tells people, please don't stay if you don't want to be here, feeling that it is a gift of selflessness. It is. It's perceived, however, as her not wanting them around, because she won't fight or beg for them to stay. So, they tell her that she obviously doesn't care, they leave...and her heart breaks.

"I don't know how to be any other way, mom. I don't know what to do. I tell them I want them to stay, I show them that I care, I care about and for them...I just don't understand why that isn't enough."

It isn't enough FOR THEM. For the right people, it is. It will be. You won't need to fight to keep them with you. Remind them, yes. Tell them that you care. Yes. Show them. Yes.

And her tears over sharing the darker places inside of her, that it drives people away. The sad parts, the sometimes angry parts. We all have them. They're just a part of who we are. Accept the lighter, happy bits in someone, and understand that there is opposition in everything.

When she sobbed those words out, the question of why people leave when they get a peek into a soul...
My own fear, of the same, took over.
Wolves.
So. Drafted.
You see, misunderstandings.
It could be seen as not caring. Not investing. Many "nots". To me, it's the opposite.
Because I DO care. Very, very much. I perhaps don't say the words that I maybe should, I don't know. I try to show.
But if there's any doubt, I care. Deeply, I do.

Her questions...I can't answer them in a way that a 16 yr old can truly understand. I'm still asking those questions, still learning. I hope the words I shared will stay with her long enough to make sense when their time and place arrive.

And as I was pondering this last night, while slammed at work on my switched shift and trying to not be so much in my head and heart, I found that I missed a call from a someone that I miss. And it mattered to me. But, there was a voicemail to look forward to, and I did look forward to it. Today there is a flight, and while I'm not necessarily a praying person, I am a hoping person. So I'll be watching flight news surreptitiously while at work, because I am such a girl. Who cares.

I hope that's known.

So, blog bots, have at. Laugh at my dance of post and draft.

I just want to know how to tell when it's safe to share. Safe. And wanted.

Now,  off to work. And we'll see if THIS gets drafted.
L. O. L.

my couch = kryptonite

It's the darndst thing. I sit on the couch and I instantly fall asleep. To be honest, I'm often pretty tired when I do sit down, so that's a factor. Tonight, home from work,a few things accomplished, I sat down. And fell asleep. And dreamt. I know that it's said that it takes awhile for sleep to progress to the point of dream space, but for me it happens almost immediately. And they are incredibly vivid. Like tonight. Very. Vivid. Scent, touch, sound. A phone call woke me, took a few moments to pull myself into the now of life. And, as it was related to the dream, I was thrown into a very surreal space. That was totally ok.

omigosh

Just to clarify...because I'm almost asleep... The only thing that's excruciating about tonight is that I am beyond caught up here at work and bored to tears. This almost never happens in my life...I'm happy in my skin and I enjoy life. So ugh and ergh and I just want to go home, start the fire, cuddle on the couch, yawn lots and crawl onto my bed in my blanket. There.

excruciating

Incredibly long afternoon and evening at work. Terribly distracted. Next seasonal job locked in, much accomplished on other things...Another week of daughter gone and I'd be on track, but I get a day. So. I hate to list when I don't feel ready, but I'm done with the waiting. Completely. I have massive amounts of patience, and it is ALL gone for this issue. And I think that sometimes, when I think that I'm being as clear as mud...clear, but as mud...I'm not. AND...I'm hesitant to be any clearer. However, if I don't figure it out...well. Yeah. I miss someone. I hate time zone issues. I'm a grown up, and I oftentimes hate that as well. So here I sit at work, and I have Sweet Transvestite running through my head because that's what I was listening to while I was wrestling furniture. K.

words

What. If. Two words that, apart, have meaning in their application but are relatively benign as such. However. Put them together, side by side, and they suddenly have the power to drive, or to haunt, someone. What. If. In their negative form, they can conjure fear, apprehension. But they have a positive place also, as light truly is wherever darkness exists. What If... What If we chose to believe that something wonderful is alive? I do, because there is. Maybe one day I won't be the only one who knows. And now, I'm exhausted. Curling back into my blanket, on my bed, and sleeping.

not sure why, but most are fixed now

I do apologize for the muddled posts. I'm not certain why the other bits have creepy in, but I've removed much of it.

The songs

someone sang a song about a singer/songwriter, who wrote the songs of life, love, joy, pain, hope, truth, dismay, heartache. The songs that carry our memories of experiences lived, even when a part of us died in them... The songs that mattered. The songs that we live in now,that do...

Busy busy day...fixed

Health care signup deadline... Last day for studded tires... Sent an AWESOME job listing that I'm totally going for... And my first girl's 27th birthday. Spent hours working on the house, and also on hold with obamacare people, worked on my resume, put out fires in Utah, sitting at the tire shop just before they close, heading south with presents and a gluten free cake made just for the girl, taking her out to dinner... Lined up the next seasonal job, switched shifts for Friday to pick up 2nd daughter... Is it silly to miss someone? Well, silly I am, and okay with it, I suppose. Hope everything goes like clockwork, it's overdue and would be nice. More work on house when I get home later.

Sigh no more, ladies. Fixed.

No, not following through with the rest of the classic line from Much Ado About Nothing...this isn't about men, per se. It's about children. Parenthood is a tough gig, for anyone...add single, working parent and it ramps up a bit. If you're trying, that is. Sleepless nights, broken hearts, swallowed pride, overcoming emotion, thinking, or trying to, from a million different angles, trusting even though you know you shouldn't, praying to whatever power there may be in the universe that they can learn and grow and not damage themselves irreparably in the heat of young idiocy disguised to themselves as maturity. You do your best to make the potholes, and sinkholes, visible, while not letting on that you're helping...because that's repulsive to them. You offer calm advice when asked, or not, and face the disdain of perceived-much-wiser-life-knowledge in the eye rolls. You sympathize, but not placate. You provide opportunity but not participate. You give love. Yes, we get our hearts broken. We are ignored. Shunned. Snubbed. And that's just how it goes. I love my children. They are my heart. They. ARE. My. Heart. The best that I have to offer the world, all that I have to give that is true goodness. They carry me in them, my one piece of immortality. They have hated me, and hated themselves for hating that they love me. So, we cry, parents. We try to hide the fear, the pain, the struggle. Sometimes we hide the smiles that won't be welcome, the sheer joy at their existence that will be taken as taking credit. We don't, always. We are human, and are cursed for that frailty...not only by our children, a judgmental society, but by ourselves. And then, we just keep on. Sigh no more, sweet parents...Sigh no more. Children are ourselves ever. And then,the parental trifecta. Thank you. I'm sorry. I love you.

The Eagles- DESPERADO-HD: http://youtu.be/iDNtqy0zjJA

If I ever had to choose one song...

One song to describe how I feel about my life, it just might be this one. Mamma Mia! - I Have A Dream: http://youtu.be/WssQP1xWJRM

A mother's heart

Slipping Through My Fingers - Meryl Streep, Amand…: http://youtu.be/Zi7OXmTmgGg

So

I drove.
A lot.
And tonight, here on my bed, wrapped in my blanket, my legs are shaking.
But it's good.
I was worried about this drive, so to have it done is an accomplishment.
The dogs want to sleep with me, but they bother the cats, who want to sleep with me also...and since the upstairs is the feline domain, they win.

So.
Frog song.
My bed.
Open window.
And a voice in my ear.

Good night.

Lifehouse - Between The Raindrops ft. Natasha Bed…: http://youtu.be/dG6-bU6esKo

Yes

it is what it is

Learning how to be grateful that things are what they are, in life, and accepting of those things, has been a major life lesson. It's one that continues to be taught to me. Sometimes...yeah, sometimes I'm tired of learning it. Cringing. Genie, after I wish for you to heal the hearts of everyone and bless the children and our world, please genie... Make me beautiful. Or at least pretty. Thank you. But, take care of those other things first and foremost please. sigh

Love this song

John Denver & Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - Back Home …: http://youtu.be/qOT0M249MHo

sigh...and the elimination of the bizarre code language

Yes, I've always been told that I'm the strong one. In many ways, I am. But in many more... I'm not. I'm struggling right now. I'm worried about physically managing this upcoming drive, about getting things done, about taking care of the people I care about. And about not letting the struggle affect anyone else. Time to get up, and get the day begun. Sagittarius horoscope for Mar 20 2014 You do not like feeling vulnerable, Sagittarius. You have a tough, seemingly impenetrable exterior at times. Among those in your inner circle, you are probably thought of as the strong one. You may be secretly feeling rather vulnerable right now, and it's probably an uncomfortable feeling. But indulge yourself just a bit, and allow yourself to feel open to whatever is affecting you. If you do, you may discover something you really like about yourself once you get used to it, and it could soften your approach to your relationships and your outlook in general.

Of Mice & Men - When You Can't Sleep At Night (Of…: http://youtu.be/GtGl5vvYgVI

A loss

My much loved nephew and his sweet wife in Utah have been involved in an intense search for a very dear friend. The young man went missing a few days ago, and his body was found this evening...

There is peace in the resolution, pain in the loss.

My heart hurts for them.

black velveteen. Lenny Kravitz.

driving. its a lenny traffic kinda day.
I really like this song, sure can't post it on Facebook though.
dig it.

Lenny Kravitz - Black Velveteen: http://youtu.be/c3GN9PZG_qM

oh dear god

Please tell me I haven't fucked this up.

thought bubble

Thought bubble post.....





...and then there's....




...plus...




...and just to keep it interesting...




...so.



There.

silly child

Spring is coming.

it's almost here.

How is it that I've felt it in my spirit for some time now?

I feel like a silly child so often. I know what this life is like. I've had a fair amount of ugly. I'm certainly not deluded.

Yet I still believe in all things good.

Soft.
Kind.
Sweet.
Beautiful.
Pure.
Possible.

Sometimes, the gap between the two tears at me.
Often, in fact.

But...

Believe, I do.

I hope for all things wonderful.

I believe in their possibility.

And I feel silly.

Still...it's me.

Vampire Diaries - 5x11 Music - The Fray - Love Do…: http://youtu.be/r7ujSKaWRR8

daughter

My girl.

What a bumpy ride she's had lately. Granted, almost every bump has been created by her own efforts, and at least she does recognize that.

Heading over the hills in a week or so to take her back to Utah for a month.  Time to finish what was supposed to happen a few months ago.

I can't say that I'm looking forward to that drive back on my own, even though I really like to drive. But, chin up, head steady, shoulders back, feet set. Get it done.

Ok.

Frog song.

And someone must be safe...no reports of hijacking or crashes...yes, I've looked.

So, I must sleep.

sigh.

Trust

Trust.
Hope.
Believe.

Do.

Do I trust myself, necessarily?
No.
But I trust in what I know must be done, and that it's the right thing to do. And that a small pathway has been cleared.

And I'm grateful for it all. 

Yes

health care

The thing of the moment, for many folks, is health care coverage.

I'm not going to go into all of what it is, etc. here. This is a link, if you're interested.

http://obamacarefacts.com/affordablecareact-summary.php

I've been trying to sign up, have been for awhile now.
Besides cost, the issue that I keep running into is this:

On my taxes, I file hoh. I'm not looking for health care coverage for my daughter, she already has it. To sign up, it won't let me choose hoh, it requires that I pick "single". When I do, it then requires me to add every person living in the home, regardless of whether or not I am seeking coverage for them. So, I add daughter. Then it tells me that I cannot continue because her number is already on file elsewhere, and that I have to call. I've called twice in the process, gotten through to a person once, after an hour, and then been dropped. Doing it again tomorrow.

It's frustrating.

but i'm trying.

Know what bites? I'm still going to barely be able to afford it, even at the reduced rate. Besides the fact that I hate the fact that I'm going to be subsidized.

But that's another issue.

Feeling kinda crummy right now.

So

It's done.

A calm, peaceful morning. A quiet drive north. An understanding vet's office full of still familiar faces, a private quiet room ready. I held my girl, there was no struggle. No fear. She purred into unconsciousness. Stroking her cheek through the final breaths, feeling her pulse slow...stop...
Quiet words and moments alone.

As it should be.

A beautiful creature, a joyous life, a respectful and gentle ending.

I feel numb, but gathered.

A talk with daughter about the move. About plans. Air cleared. Peace, again, resting upon another place in life. And now, we move forward again.

There are places when the strength of those around us holds us together. There are times when our strength comes from standing alone. And then there are the journeys we must take ourselves, but not without the quiet support of those who care.

In these times, when my words fail me...please know what I cannot say.

And please, don't let my awkwardness do what it always has.

Now...on to work.

a memory

Very much a night of memories.  It's helping me, and once again, this blog is serving as a wonderful therapist.

Several years ago, when older daughter was 9 or so, our Rottweiler became very ill. We had her into the vet, and after much work and many bills, she seemed to be doing better. We were very hopeful, but one day she stopped eating. After 2 days of not eating we realized that she was in a bad way still. The following day, as I was looking out the window at the farm, I saw her suddenly collapse. Then began a terrible series of hours as I rushed her intothe vet and the fact that something terribly catastrophic had occurred as they struggled to  find a functional vein, at first to administer aid, then to give the final dose.

I held my dear dog on my lap as she died, stroking her muzzle the way she liked best. She kept her eyes on mine, as I repeatedly told her it was okay, she was a good dog. I felt her struggling to stay with me, so I said "okay", her release command, one more time, firmly.

I saw the light and life leave her eyes as her body relaxed and her breathing stopped...I sat there, holding the shell of my friend, numb. It wasn't my first time through this, but it was the first time that particular situation had occurred.

The rest of the day was a fog. Breaking the news to my former spouse, who's dog she actually was. Comforting my daughter. Consoling her kennel mate, who began to howl and
who, that night, began to self-mutilate, a condition he had for the remainder of his life.

As bedtime came, my girl and I decided to make a blanket fort in the family room and sleep in it. She surrounded herself with stuffed animals and curled up in my arms. I suggested that we say our prayers, because that's what we did then, but she refused. I didn't scold. I simply began my own, silently.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I'm grateful..."

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't give thanks for that day. So, for the first time, I told God how I really felt.
I felt crummy.
Angry.
I was lying.
Instead, I said that I was NOT grateful, that the day had been fucked in major ways. I told him I was angry, and sad.

And then, I expected to go straight to hell.

But instead, I learned something about  God, or whatever the great grand power may be...

I heard a voice, as loud as a real one, day,
"I know. And I'm so sorry. It was a terrible day, and I wish it hadn't had to happen.  You don't need to try to make it something good. It's okay."

I don't know what it was, except that it wasn't me. And in that moment, God, or whatever, began to make sense to me.

Did you ever wonder why the bible says that Jesus cried when Lazarus died? He knew he could raise him. In fact, it says that he knew that he would.
Do, why did he cry with the sisters?
I think it's because he felt, and knew, their sorrow. If what he was said to be was true, then that's the only thing that makes sense. Isn't it?
Tonight, is like that.
And right at the moment, a dozy bug has hit me.
It will be a night of that.

Smile. Tony Bennett.

Not the first time this song has been in this blog...I doubt it's the last. This song has been a motto in my life for most of my life.

Tonight there are many tears, and I feel bad that I just cannot seem to stop them. Molly is doing the job she's done for 2 decades, sitting with me through it. That seems so ironic to me.

I know there's more than just this, although "this" is plenty. Frustration over my child, getting the house listed, and a mixture of gratitude for work for someone yet knowing that the missing, on my part, will be tough. That's okay, it's for a good thing. If it brings a feeling and boost of financial and life security to someone and family, that's what matters. My silly emotions will regulate. Because for all of my fanciful, ridiculous floofy ways, which are very much a part of me, I am quite practical.

Just don't ever think that my smile means that I don't care so very much more than you see. I do.

This is a very nice version, my favorite. Please look it up, blog bots. I can't post it directly from my phone and I just can't face the computer tonight.

At least the tears seem to have cleared out a strange eye issue that I was dealing with.

Tony Bennett
SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7B2_RYZVjs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

A cat

Cats get a bum's rush, sometimes.

They're often portrayed as self-absorbed, aloof, cold creatures, inferior to a dog because they lack the loyalty, devotion and subservient manner of the canine.

Perhaps, in some cases, this is true.

My cats, however...are different. And they always have been.

The cats in my life are smart. Loyal. Companions.

Two in particular. Maynerd, aka Nerdie, my long-awaited-6-month-deferred graduation gift who was with me from '83 until 2001...
and Molly.
When an animal comes into my life, especially if it is one that I have chosen, or been chosen by, I intend for it to live it's days with me. Never is it with impulse alone.
NEVER.
It can't always be that way, but most often, in my life, it is.
Molly came to us in 1994, as a 5 wk itty ball of fluff. She didn't know about real food yet or many other kitty things, so...
I taught her.
How to eat.
How to use a litter box, especially how to "flush"...the boy kitties, especially Nerd, never covered anything. Molly became so set on this that she would, and still does, cover up after any other cats.
Nerd taught her how to clean herself, how to play, especially how to fetch.
But Molly was not a cuddler.
Not until Nerd died. Before then, he was my constant companion. When I wasn't stationary, the two of them cuddled.
But after Nerd, when I was grieving, Molly climbed up beside me.
She still didn't purr much...
That came just a bit before older daughter took off, when things were dicey and difficult. One morning, as I moved out to the couch, wrapped in a blanket, worrying, Molly jumped up beside me, nudged her way under the blanket, nestled in my lap and began to purr.
We've been almost inseparable ever since.
She has been my comfort.
A joy.
A living piece of stability that has helped me to focus and stay the course. Many thoughts have come to me as my mind quiets, and focuses, settled by her warm body, steady purr, acceptance of my tears on her and absolute lack of demand for anything.
20 yrs.
Tomorrow, I fulfill my last, solemn, duty of stewardship with this sweet spirit.
I won't deny that a part of my heart is dying right now. Something in me began to ache a bit ago as I recognized this event approaching.
Now, that something has begun to hurt.
I'm taking her north, back to our old vet. They know me. They will not argue with me when I sit on the floor, holding my girl. They know that there is no way around it.

Tonight, she's as close physically as she can be. She always is. Her body doesn't generate the warmth she needs very well these days, so I give her mine. She's frail in frame, but her purr, and her nose nudges, are as full and real as always.

The dogs, they feel my sadness, and are gathered close as well. They aren't bothering Molly, and tonight, she doesn't care that they are here.

Just a cat?
No.

Animals have always been my companions into pain. And they have stayed with me and brought me out, back into joy. I've never had a human who understood my emotions in this situation, who would simply sit watch with me, so I've stopped asking for that. I can't say, however, that I don't wish for someone to know. I don't need, or expect, answers. Or for it to be "fixed"...nothing is broken. It's part of life, part of the gig.
But, if I tell no-one, they can't know. I suppose it's easier this way, for me, rather than have the burden of misunderstanding of what I hope for tossed on top. But that's my issue.
Molly and me.

sad

For various reasons.

Anyone who knows me knows that I choose to be positive as much as possible. It's a good way to be.

Right now, I'm sad.
It's not an issue of being negative.

This is a sad thing, and it's been weighing on me.

I have to do this alone.

And I'll be ok.

Just not right now.

The messenger

Linkin Park's concept CD, A Thousand Suns, social story and the horror of an apocalyptic war.
While the topic seems very dark and depressing, and in truth, it is, the CD is well worth listening to.
this final song, The Messenger, features raw vocals in a mostly acoustic track. It' s a song of hope. It's a song of learning. It's a song that shows us how to recover. How to prevent. How to focus on what really matters.
its a song that's very appropriate for this particular day.
please forgive any typos, voice text on a  busy highway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qSjwcoucSo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I seriously, at some point in my life, have to remember that when I am tired, I am almost incoherent. 

My head knows what I want to say, but while the thoughts are rolling around looking for an exit ramp to my mouth, some sucker from DOT comes along and shuts 'em all down. What ends up escaping are the tiniest, idiotic dregs that jumped the car and crawled over the wall to the street. 

Good Lord.

I should wear warning labels. 

Or just give up. Maybe my brain really is wired oddly. 

On that note, I'm going to head to work where I will run the office and handle multiple thousands of dollars and highly sensitive material. 

0,o


And what should come up on the playlist right at the moment? 

The Hives

WALK IDIOT WALK

I feel you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTKJ_itifQg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

golly

What a night.
Rough one for my miss Molly cat. I watch my critters, they always let me know when it's time for "that" trip to the vet...my girl told me during this night.
This will be rough.
I'll need someone to go with me, so that I'll have to hold it together until I'm where I don't have to hold it together. She's been a mom, almost. 20 years is a long time with my close companion. I don't remember her not with me.

And Dakota told us that he is heading back north this weekend, back home with his folks. The kids are very sad. He'll still be around for visits at times, but not here always. It's best, for him, and for that reason I'm glad. But I'll miss him. Very much. He's been a joy to have around. I've appreciated him for who he is.  So, tears, loud music, food and a forest of weed emanating from the room.

I knew yesterday morning that a change was imminent, in that situation.

Good news from older girl, bf still has a job. And always wonderful to sirens time with her.

Difficult question asked.

Open window night...and frog songs.

Now to focus on some sleep.

Age

Age. 

This is a picture of me that I took an hour or so ago, just ready to go ahead and soak in that tub. 

See those lines by my mouth? 

I remember when those appeared...4 yrs ago, almost overnight. And the rest, as well. Boom.

I don't feel them. 

But they're there. 

Age. 

Getting older may suck, especially for a woman where  looks are concerned...but it beats the alternative, I suppose. 

I don't think that any of us ever gets used to it, though. 

The days of character overtaking the days of...well, beauty was never a companion, but pretty happened every now and again. 

There's my womanly whatever for the night. 

...

But I'm distinctly uncomfortable with being less subtle...

Oh Lord.

And...about certain things I'm as dumb as a stick.

Why.

I mean, I took on the closet door. I took on the kids. I took on my boss. I took on my former spouse, no battles, just asking the questions that needed asked.

Can't I get a freebie here?

Well, i suppose it's either ask it...or not.

Better decide how I'll feel if the answer sucks.

Suddenly feeling far too tired for my bath.

Ugh.

Angel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1GmxMTwUgs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

A battle.

I shall be victorious.
I have a demon closet door from the blackest pit of all that oozes the most vile of cess and sputim.
No.
I'm serious.
I took the track off this morning in my next attempt to fix it.
Then I bought stock in bandaids.
Off to see my first born and perhaps stop by the vortex known as Home Depot.

Dammit.

I get so fucking tired of being frustrated by trying, and needing, to be able to DO it all.
Oh well.
Play those cards your dealt and knock another thing off the list of life.

http://www.margielawson.com/lawson-writers-academy-courses

February night

Snow day, gone.
On my bed, window open
Sounds of rain, falling
Running through gutters
Scent of clean air
Cold
Cars on the highway, sound traveling unlike winter sounds...
Candle
Smooth skin, bare
With soft blanket
Leg wrapped over
Around
Pillows beside me
Door closed, almost, cats have to be able to leave, but other kids here tonight.
Sink
Soft
Sweet
Voice
Sleep
Tomorrow I have to see the girls dad, and I hope...
But.tonight
Dreams

Gnite
Xoxox

a life span

Is there a life span for a blog?

I've begun wondering if it's time to close this one down.

I've been speaking to myself for so long, for so many years...I've heard all I have to say about so many things in all those so many years. 

I'm beginning to feel that I'm out of anything useful to share. 

And I think I've revealed all that I ever will to the "general public" such as this is, occupied and trolled by blogbots alone. 

I don't know. 

I don't want this to be a daily true-confessional. 

I want to talk about it to someone, with someone. I want advice. Guidance. 

and so. 

Stuff

Just stuff.
Much of life is stuff, be it good or bad or indifferent. Yesterday was a variety.

Work was good, slower so I was able to put the place to rights after the day before, which was, imo, 4 Wednesdays shoved into a Thursday.

Quick grocery trip to grab a couple things for a dinner for my very best girlfriend, who's got a tough thing to do today. We see each other all the time, but haven't had a moment to really talk and listen. Things in our lives aren't at places where that is acceptable, so.

Home to a disaster, threatened the young folk in the house who then, bless them, fixed it all. Cooked dinner, tossed out in the oven. I had some time left over and decided to be a girl.
:)

You know, despite the hormones, the emotions, the trouble with jeans, bad hair days, I really do like being a girl. I like all the fluff and pink, soft and silly, silky, pretty, sparkly things of being a girl.

It's a good thing.

And I'm not a stalker. I'm simply observant at awkward times.

Anyway, it was a good night, dinner, ridiculous drinks, movies, much talking and hearing.
I think she's ready for today.