“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
Monday, April 29, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
a startling thought
Not anything ground breaking for anyone else...just something for myself.
I wonder if I put up walls and roadblocks to keep people out...? Some people say that I do. I'm not really aware of that, not the way they say. I do know that i'll keep a bad mood, bad day, sadness to myself, it's too hard to share. Not for any reason other than I highly doubt anybody wants to hear that junk.
But being close to tears today from exhaustion and uncertainty, I was struck with a thought. One that I don't like...
I'm not sure I have the courage in me for what's coming up.
I wonder if I put up walls and roadblocks to keep people out...? Some people say that I do. I'm not really aware of that, not the way they say. I do know that i'll keep a bad mood, bad day, sadness to myself, it's too hard to share. Not for any reason other than I highly doubt anybody wants to hear that junk.
But being close to tears today from exhaustion and uncertainty, I was struck with a thought. One that I don't like...
I'm not sure I have the courage in me for what's coming up.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
the next tattoo
It's coming up.
I know that I just had the last one done, but these 2 have been on the books for awhile and were meant to go together. There are 3 in the mental series, actually, so another may be done at the same time.
The easy one, that may or may not happen when the bigger one does, is simply the McCallum Family Motto.
"In Ardua Tendit", translating into English as "He has attempted difficult things". That will be on my inner left arm, just below the center division between elbow and wrist. A reminder to me of all that has been attempted, accomplished, or merely survived, and a reminder also to never fear the attempt...that is where the growth and learning happen, where living is.
The more complicated one is the Family Crest. I had thought of the Pennant, but that will be too large for the space. It's going on my right calf, outside, above the yin/yang wolf symbol. I'd like for it to look as old and stone as possible, so I'm going back to the artist who did my phoenix (which he tells me is a crane, and we agreed that he can be certain of it's crane-ness but in my world it's a phoenix). He did such a good job with the shading and colors, was fast and fascinating. Adam Williams, if you're looking for a tattooist, he's working at Painless Steel in Everett right now. Shameless plug, he's good.
It has to have 4 spots of color, birthstones. My mother, my daughters, myself. My mother will always be my mother. I will always be my daughter's mother. And always am I myself. 4 unchangeable facts and truths in the relationships in my life. The woman who gave me life in this place. The girls who brought me to life in this place. And the me, who is responsible for what I do with my life in this place. The family McCallum. Not my maiden name, I know. But it's the one that I claim as my identifier. It's the heritage that connects with the song of my spirit, the music, images, feelings that pull on the very core of myself. And so.
I'm going in tomorrow morning to confer and drop off pictures. It's time.
I know that I just had the last one done, but these 2 have been on the books for awhile and were meant to go together. There are 3 in the mental series, actually, so another may be done at the same time.
The easy one, that may or may not happen when the bigger one does, is simply the McCallum Family Motto.
"In Ardua Tendit", translating into English as "He has attempted difficult things". That will be on my inner left arm, just below the center division between elbow and wrist. A reminder to me of all that has been attempted, accomplished, or merely survived, and a reminder also to never fear the attempt...that is where the growth and learning happen, where living is.
The more complicated one is the Family Crest. I had thought of the Pennant, but that will be too large for the space. It's going on my right calf, outside, above the yin/yang wolf symbol. I'd like for it to look as old and stone as possible, so I'm going back to the artist who did my phoenix (which he tells me is a crane, and we agreed that he can be certain of it's crane-ness but in my world it's a phoenix). He did such a good job with the shading and colors, was fast and fascinating. Adam Williams, if you're looking for a tattooist, he's working at Painless Steel in Everett right now. Shameless plug, he's good.
It has to have 4 spots of color, birthstones. My mother, my daughters, myself. My mother will always be my mother. I will always be my daughter's mother. And always am I myself. 4 unchangeable facts and truths in the relationships in my life. The woman who gave me life in this place. The girls who brought me to life in this place. And the me, who is responsible for what I do with my life in this place. The family McCallum. Not my maiden name, I know. But it's the one that I claim as my identifier. It's the heritage that connects with the song of my spirit, the music, images, feelings that pull on the very core of myself. And so.
I'm going in tomorrow morning to confer and drop off pictures. It's time.
Loreena McKennit
The Mummer's Dance
if you wanted an entry...
I had an interesting thing happen just a bit ago. Interesting, disturbing.
Without going into great detail, which isn't important for this, I was in a situation that went from good natured joking to very serious, very quickly. There has been some very intense energy flowing about in the world lately, people are on edge, almost in a manic state, and then suddenly exhausted. This was someone very close to me in a manic, happy state, who quite suddenly reacted very violently to an offhand observation of no particular meaning. It startled them as well, I could see it in their eyes. That's good. When something like that happens, awareness, even in a shocked state, is necessary in order for a learning situation to come from it.
What brings me here is my reaction.
I'm afraid. And that makes me angry.
When the situation happened, I felt the immediate energy shift and recognized the intensity. My visible reaction was all systems on alert, and fight. I stood firm and made direct eye contact. Not always the best move, but it's my instinct in the instant. I saw the look of surprise and shock at their feelings and the situation quickly diffused...on their part. I sent them away from me instantly, then after a few moments realized that was too much like running and i needed to confront, name, resolve if I had any hope of not being stuck there. And so i did.
Maybe i need to back up.
What happened in me was a classic ptsd reaction. It can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. It goes beyond fear. It throws the person into a time warp. You're aware, somehow, that you aren't where you suddenly find yourself feeling that you are, but all of your thoughts kick into a survival mode and your feelings are as intense and as involved in a past event as if it were truly happening right there at that moment. It takes so much, more than I can explain, to get to a point of stopping the physical reaction of protection...at least, the outward, the visible, reaction.
Inwardly, it happens.
Let me say here, before I go any further, that I have made peace with my past. I have released my anger toward others, truly. It took years and it took many painful journeys in to places in me that I didn't want to go. There are still places sealed tightly that have defied efforts to open them, I think I've mentioned those in here before. They are still locked tight. I occasionally have ptsd type reactions to smells, touch or sounds that I cannot place at all. Therapists and I have concluded that those triggers must lie inside the locked places. I've given up going into them. I no longer want to. They don't disrupt my life, they don't hinder me at all. I accept that there are things that trigger emotions and I let them be.
Because I can remember much of what is before certain blackout spots, and I can remember what occurred after...those were hard enough to accept and process. I don't believe that it's necessary to go after the rest.
So as you may surmise from those statements, there was a period of time in my life when some abusive situations happened. It covered all aspects of the labels used in categorizing these things... I don't talk of it. I've confided, on a surface level, with one very good friend and with the few therapists, psychiatrists actually, who I've worked with to move out and beyond it all. It is what it is in my history. I can't undo it, but I won't be a slave to it. And I'm not, for the most part. My anxiety and depression are minimal. I don't dream of it anymore either, and my dreams became color again many years ago.
But tonight, for the first time in a long time, I had a moderate+ ptsd reaction.
That's why I'm here, writing this down. It surprised me. I had my guard down, since it hasn't happened for so long. In fact, i'd say that my conscious mind had forgotten about it.
But that subconscious didn't.
It left me shaking, inside and out, and fighting the desire to run...and then fighting the anger at feeling afraid. Nothing makes me angrier than the feeling of helpless fear. To be honest, I hadn't even identified that as clearly as I just did until this moment.
I'm not a very big person physically to start with. But I suddenly felt very small.
Very young.
Very Vulnerable.
Very, very alone.
and very scared.
The event doesn't have to happen in that moment...it IS happening, inside the person. The memories of faces, voices, touch are all there. The feelings of fear, helplessness, darkness, pain...they are all there. You can smell it as if it were all happening right now. You expect the bruises to show, you feel them being made. Feelings of violation are as real as the acts were at the time. You separate yourself, if you can, in your mind, from your body...to try and have it happen to the shell you inhabit, not to what makes you YOU.
And it all happens in a heartbeat.
If you've ever seen the Matrix movies, in times of need they focus on what is needed and the perception of time is altered to slow it down. That really does happen, if you've been in an accident or a high stress situation...your mind focuses on the details and what happens in a moment feels as if it goes on so very much longer.
So in the brief moment of the change of energy, everything occurred to me. All that i mentioned above. And I swung myself around, figuratively, and was ready to fight to protect the helpless self of me.
That's not unusual for my reaction.
What's difficult about tonight, beside the fact that it hasn't happened for quite awhile, is that I am alone to process the aftermath.
My mum always said that in the crises I was the one person in the world she'd want to have on her team because nothing phases me then. I break it down in my head,very "matrix" movie like and handle the details easily and without panic.
Afterward, I fall apart. That's when it all catches up with me.I know this about myself and I've learned coping mechanisms that are healthy and move me through the process quickly.
But this is a bit different.
When I was married, my husband knew that sometimes these things would happen and that what I needed was just to be held, or just be close to him afterward. He never asked for specifics so I never told him. 24+ years, he never ventured a question. I guess that looking at that now, it strikes me as a little odd. But then, I'm an intensely curious person, I want to know as much as I can about pretty much everything and everyone.
So, anyway, an event would trigger and I'd process it, just being physically close to someone who could provide the shield against my vulnerability while I stabilized myself again.
I don't have that now.
The emotions have dissipated to a large extent, and what is left I know will go. I've taken ibuprofen against the headache that always sets in, took an extra vitamin, made my tea right away...etc etc etc. But I can't stop shaking. I feel cold all through. I've put on many layers of everything and the shaking is slightly diminished. I feel a bit nauseous...it's very much a shock reaction.
I miss having someone to lean on a little. Just to let me know that it's going to be fine. Someone other than the voice in my head that is also warning myself not to listen to it.
So.
There's an evening.
It's now 2:15 AM. I'm still shaking, I will for awhile...but the deep sleepiness is kicking in. I have my kitties here, they are one on each side of me, purring.
Thanks for "listening". I know that to many people, it won't make much sense.
But that's ok.
Without going into great detail, which isn't important for this, I was in a situation that went from good natured joking to very serious, very quickly. There has been some very intense energy flowing about in the world lately, people are on edge, almost in a manic state, and then suddenly exhausted. This was someone very close to me in a manic, happy state, who quite suddenly reacted very violently to an offhand observation of no particular meaning. It startled them as well, I could see it in their eyes. That's good. When something like that happens, awareness, even in a shocked state, is necessary in order for a learning situation to come from it.
What brings me here is my reaction.
I'm afraid. And that makes me angry.
When the situation happened, I felt the immediate energy shift and recognized the intensity. My visible reaction was all systems on alert, and fight. I stood firm and made direct eye contact. Not always the best move, but it's my instinct in the instant. I saw the look of surprise and shock at their feelings and the situation quickly diffused...on their part. I sent them away from me instantly, then after a few moments realized that was too much like running and i needed to confront, name, resolve if I had any hope of not being stuck there. And so i did.
Maybe i need to back up.
What happened in me was a classic ptsd reaction. It can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. It goes beyond fear. It throws the person into a time warp. You're aware, somehow, that you aren't where you suddenly find yourself feeling that you are, but all of your thoughts kick into a survival mode and your feelings are as intense and as involved in a past event as if it were truly happening right there at that moment. It takes so much, more than I can explain, to get to a point of stopping the physical reaction of protection...at least, the outward, the visible, reaction.
Inwardly, it happens.
Let me say here, before I go any further, that I have made peace with my past. I have released my anger toward others, truly. It took years and it took many painful journeys in to places in me that I didn't want to go. There are still places sealed tightly that have defied efforts to open them, I think I've mentioned those in here before. They are still locked tight. I occasionally have ptsd type reactions to smells, touch or sounds that I cannot place at all. Therapists and I have concluded that those triggers must lie inside the locked places. I've given up going into them. I no longer want to. They don't disrupt my life, they don't hinder me at all. I accept that there are things that trigger emotions and I let them be.
Because I can remember much of what is before certain blackout spots, and I can remember what occurred after...those were hard enough to accept and process. I don't believe that it's necessary to go after the rest.
So as you may surmise from those statements, there was a period of time in my life when some abusive situations happened. It covered all aspects of the labels used in categorizing these things... I don't talk of it. I've confided, on a surface level, with one very good friend and with the few therapists, psychiatrists actually, who I've worked with to move out and beyond it all. It is what it is in my history. I can't undo it, but I won't be a slave to it. And I'm not, for the most part. My anxiety and depression are minimal. I don't dream of it anymore either, and my dreams became color again many years ago.
But tonight, for the first time in a long time, I had a moderate+ ptsd reaction.
That's why I'm here, writing this down. It surprised me. I had my guard down, since it hasn't happened for so long. In fact, i'd say that my conscious mind had forgotten about it.
But that subconscious didn't.
It left me shaking, inside and out, and fighting the desire to run...and then fighting the anger at feeling afraid. Nothing makes me angrier than the feeling of helpless fear. To be honest, I hadn't even identified that as clearly as I just did until this moment.
I'm not a very big person physically to start with. But I suddenly felt very small.
Very young.
Very Vulnerable.
Very, very alone.
and very scared.
The event doesn't have to happen in that moment...it IS happening, inside the person. The memories of faces, voices, touch are all there. The feelings of fear, helplessness, darkness, pain...they are all there. You can smell it as if it were all happening right now. You expect the bruises to show, you feel them being made. Feelings of violation are as real as the acts were at the time. You separate yourself, if you can, in your mind, from your body...to try and have it happen to the shell you inhabit, not to what makes you YOU.
And it all happens in a heartbeat.
If you've ever seen the Matrix movies, in times of need they focus on what is needed and the perception of time is altered to slow it down. That really does happen, if you've been in an accident or a high stress situation...your mind focuses on the details and what happens in a moment feels as if it goes on so very much longer.
So in the brief moment of the change of energy, everything occurred to me. All that i mentioned above. And I swung myself around, figuratively, and was ready to fight to protect the helpless self of me.
That's not unusual for my reaction.
What's difficult about tonight, beside the fact that it hasn't happened for quite awhile, is that I am alone to process the aftermath.
My mum always said that in the crises I was the one person in the world she'd want to have on her team because nothing phases me then. I break it down in my head,very "matrix" movie like and handle the details easily and without panic.
Afterward, I fall apart. That's when it all catches up with me.I know this about myself and I've learned coping mechanisms that are healthy and move me through the process quickly.
But this is a bit different.
When I was married, my husband knew that sometimes these things would happen and that what I needed was just to be held, or just be close to him afterward. He never asked for specifics so I never told him. 24+ years, he never ventured a question. I guess that looking at that now, it strikes me as a little odd. But then, I'm an intensely curious person, I want to know as much as I can about pretty much everything and everyone.
So, anyway, an event would trigger and I'd process it, just being physically close to someone who could provide the shield against my vulnerability while I stabilized myself again.
I don't have that now.
The emotions have dissipated to a large extent, and what is left I know will go. I've taken ibuprofen against the headache that always sets in, took an extra vitamin, made my tea right away...etc etc etc. But I can't stop shaking. I feel cold all through. I've put on many layers of everything and the shaking is slightly diminished. I feel a bit nauseous...it's very much a shock reaction.
I miss having someone to lean on a little. Just to let me know that it's going to be fine. Someone other than the voice in my head that is also warning myself not to listen to it.
So.
There's an evening.
It's now 2:15 AM. I'm still shaking, I will for awhile...but the deep sleepiness is kicking in. I have my kitties here, they are one on each side of me, purring.
Thanks for "listening". I know that to many people, it won't make much sense.
But that's ok.
Anna Nalick
Breathe
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
just songs in my head, moving my body (raw, incomplete, will be added to and edited)
Some songs that I love to have on. Some have meaning to me, some just help me get my work, or workout done, some help me unwind. I choose to not blatantly post things on fb that I know will offend people unless it's something important...not because i worry what they will think of me, i gave up on that a long time ago. People's perceptions of who and what I am are their own, and with only a few exceptions, it always surprises me how off the mark they are. No, I don't post trivial things that I know are likely to offend simply because they are meant to be enjoyed, not debated, and I don't want the drama around me over something that isn't even offensive were it to be clearly looked at.
Music fits every part of me.
I dream, I dance, I sing, I think, I love, I laugh, I hurt, I cry, I work, I struggle...just like we all do.
I hope that I learn.
I live.
Maroon 5
Secret
Music fits every part of me.
I dream, I dance, I sing, I think, I love, I laugh, I hurt, I cry, I work, I struggle...just like we all do.
I hope that I learn.
I live.
Maroon 5
Secret
Usher
Scream
Depeche Mode
John the Revelator
Placebo
Running Up That Hill
Depeche Mode
I Feel You
I Feel You
My Chemical Romance
Kids From Yesterday
and then there is another version...unique and eloquent, to me
Imagine Dragons
Radioactive
Sia
Titanium
Pearl Jam
Black
Morgan Page
The Longest Road
Goldfrapp
Train
Foreigner
Urgent
Foghat
Slow Ride
Blackfoot
The Highway Song
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Beat the Devil's Tattoo
Christina Perri
A Thousand Years
Rihanna
Stay
You're the broken one but i'm the only one who needed saving
INXS
(any, really...but for right now, this one)
Need You Tonight
so slide over here
and give me a moment ~
your moves are so raw,
i've got to let you know
how do you feel?
i'm lonely.
what d'ya think?
can't think at all.
what you gonna do?
gonna live my life.
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