When I posted my playlist, I was going off of memory because I had it turned off. I thought it seemed a little light...it was. Here are the rest:
Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Relax
When this song first came out they even played it a few times at the church dances that I went to. I couldn't believe it, but didn't say anything to anyone because it was totally my favorite song. Then the boyf that I had at the time, and friend of his, were talking about how "dirty" the songs that they liked were. I laughed at 'em. I said that I had the dirtiest and then we made a bet on that one. I had them really listen to the song.
Yeah, I won.
Suddenly it stopped getting played at the dances.
rats
Already posted once on this blog, but who can pass up a chance for
Death Cab for Cutie, Meet Me on the Equinox?
Must have at least a little dose of Pink on a "get me outta this day" list:
So What
Don't Say Goodbye, Paulina Rubio
Little Latina Slut, what can I say. Love the Tron-esque light cycle, though.
Good dance song.
Classic, Peter Gabriel - Sledgehammer
...so creative. In the days before cg. Would love to see what he could do with the technology these days. Probably be bored out of his amazing brain.
One last one that WOULD be on the list, but I can't find it for download anywhere and I don't want to spend the money on a cd for one song. Has been a complete favorite, esp for the "you ain't taking me down, life" days.
Golden Earring, Twilight Zone
There ya go. Go take on the day, don't let it take you.
WOW...what a day it's been. So, this is my blog, right? I'm putting my playlist for the day up here, some in vid form from Youtube, some not. I will say up front that I can't post alot of these on my Fb wall, I have friends that would be offended, and I get that...but, it's me. So, warning, if you are offended by language, you are entering at your own risk by clicking on some of the links (potentially). K, here we go. oh...this cd I burned is likely one of the only things that's kept me sane over the past couple of days. It's been tough.
1: Memories, David Guetta, Kid Cudi:
Next: Given Up, Linkin Park
I'm not completely insane, really. This one is much milder:
What'd I tell you? Up next... Adam Lambert, If I had You:
(yeah, complete with a Nature Valley Granola ad in the beginning...really?)
Personally, I think he thought the first look was the hottest of them, but I don't. And dang, why is the guy gay? So not right.
Onward: INXS, Need You Tonight
That 2nd add on, they did that thing in one take, came up with the idea in a flash, put all the words on cards and ran with it. Loved INXS before Hutchence lost it all. They were so awesome.
Give it up for ET, Katy Perry
(pun intended)
Woah, right? K, Linkin again, What I've Done(enjoy the random, empty thought bubble that shows up):
That version is, in my book, a fail in that it's edited, but fun to watch them live. I'm sorry, but part of the song is the language, it's got a purpose here. Song was written to mock the bands that were climbing all over each other to be on the soundtracks for Twilight. MCR was asked, and declined. At 2:30, you can faintly hear Gerard say, "twilight sucks". :) Read the captions underneath, if you get the site, they are hysterical!
Nelly Furtado: Say It Right
GreenDay, Holiday...no explanation necessary, you reading the news lately? Never gets better, always gets old. Jeez...
got to go that route, for some reason the Youtube uploader can't find it. It's live, it's awesome, it's lengthy. Just saying.
Black-Eyed Peas, Boom Boom POW!
Now for Muse...never have to worry, with Muse. Love them. Would so be a groupie if I could, no joke. ;)
For Another Muse offering, Starlight.
...sigh...
Mellowing out a bit, yes I do that...
One Republic, Stop and Stare
Another slower one, Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars
Another INXS, the first song I heard of theirs. Original Sin.
Michael Buble...a girl can dream of a man that can sing, right?
(ps, I am sure it's not James Bond he's working, but Man from U.N.C.L.E.)
On the other end of the spectrum, Lady Gaga, Bad Romance
(song is okay, but the vid is DEFINITELY bad...somebody quit putting her in charge of stuff, k?)
Christina Aguilera, Fighter. TONS of personal meaning for me in this song.
Almost done...still here? Wow. K, next to last is JT, Cry Me A River. Song kind of means something to me:
To round it off, ZZ Top, Tube Snake Boogie
(yeah, I know)
So, there's my playlist for today. I think it's pretty alright, but like I said before, I do have friends who would find parts quite offensive. Sigh. Tons to say to that, but not now. Hope you enjoyed the songs!
Oh, what a month May was. Difficult, disappointing, dispiriting, discouraging...many disses. I, for one, am so glad that it is gone. I am hoping, and attempting to create the reality of all that mess being contained within the wadded ball of paper from the calendar, tossed into the garbage and relegated to the past and to the road behind.
However, being an idealistic realist, I know that the path behind colors the walk ahead. So I suppose that the truth is that I am hoping for the residues to be diminished in their ability to touch the tomorrows ahead.
What on earth has happened? Probably nothing large to anyone reading these words, but to me, far too much, all at once. Hard to write about, but harder to hold inside.
Already feeling the sadness of a loss, documented earlier, I found that a position of employment had been scammed out from under me. It had been an ideal set-up for us, worked quite well in our schedule and provided just enough income to cover what was lacking. I don't ask for much, and require little, but to have that "not much" and "little" managed is necessary. So, that discovery set me reeling. Welcome to the month...
At the same time, my daughter was approached with dancing for the company performance team for next year. This brings an added expense that I am completely uncertain as to how we will meet, but it has to happen for her. And to this one thing I am sure...I will do whatever must be done to make sure that it does.
Why?
While I am dealing fairly well, for the most part, in my recovery from our abandonment and the divorce, she is not. We had an anniversary, of the date that we were moved out, happened early in May. I was aware of it, but as she does not speak about it and doesn't like to bring any of the subject up, I kept that awareness to myself. She, however, brought it up, out of the blue. And a depression landed on our home. I could see it weigh her down, it was tangible and very dark.
The hardest part of being a parent is the feeling of complete helplessness when you see your child in pain, for whatever reason, and know that you cannot remove it. It is the most indescribable agony of soul and spirit that I have ever endured and it has no relief until a way through is found and their healing begins. Torture knows no greater tool. Sorrow goes no deeper. Not for me.
I have wanted, through all of this, so desperately, to have the ability to move her through the experience with as little damage as possible. Difficult, not realistic at all. Highly idealistic, and without any rational thought to it. But still, there was the desire. I have so many unresolved feelings from my childhood of constant movement and upheaval and loneliness and isolation that I am not properly capable of removing myself from them and approaching her situation objectively. I project my experience too strongly and lose my bearings inside of it. Being confronted with her pain left me feeling completely incapable of everything. Absolutely everything. Yet everything depended on me getting us through the rapids.
If you have never felt the truth of "taking things one step at a time", wait until you are a parent, or responsible somehow for getting another life through a dangerous place without knowing where or how to step. Things make so much more sense when you see them through those eyes.
This, of course, is happening while we are still dealing with her "friend" having set a jugulo gang on her for no longer having a particular hat. Yes, you read that correctly. And that's another issue altogether, but is part of the reason why it is of extreme importance that any job that I am able to get not leave her home alone for any real length of time. Still being dealt with, had another discussion with a probation officer for an individual just this evening. There was some good and positive news tonight, whew.
Dance is my daughter's salvation right now. Everyone needs something that is their own. This is hers. She adores music, as most young people her age do. She plays piano, is beginning to sing again, but dance is her outlet. It is her focus and it drives her, it comforts her. It is the string of life that she is holding hard afast to during this time of her life. It is beginning to define who she is, and through it she is learning strength, confidence and ambition is becoming her own again.
And that is why I will do whatever is needed in order to make sure that she is able to pursue this opportunity.
Summer session of dance is paid for, somehow. Music Man dance auditions are coming up and she is excited for that.
School is out next week, but I am finding productive, worthwhile things to fill our time with.
The sting of that job taking is diminishing and leads are opening up in unexpected directions. A few openings in the library system just were posted, and I am applying for those as well.
Counseling will be paid for by her father, per our agreement of parenting.
The gang beating issue is having much light shown on it and that always helps these situations lose their power. Dark deeds do not thrive in bright light.
My loneliness...it seems larger than ever right now. Her counselor said that I am a smiling depressive. I see where he is going with that, but I disagree. I am a saddened optimist, right now. It will pass. My hopes and dreams for life are always the same. They get kicked about and stomped on. My heart gets tossed around and bruised up, but only because it is visible and it cares. I can't live any other way, to wall it up again is death of the soul and I will not be there again. Loneliness has been a companion of mine for many years now, it is bound to get tired of me soon enough, since I would rather have pain than empty nothing and that is where it lives. At least pain lets me know that I am alive, while the other was worse than death.
For now, the hemorraging is, at least, managed. The cutting has stopped, but I am on open alert and do regular inspections, without objections.
And I am so grateful that this miserable month of May is gone.
Oh yes, let's not forget...the world was supposed to end on the 21st of May. See? Blimey, what a blooming dismal 31 days that was.
