deadmau5 - Hey Baby [HQ]: http://youtu.be/yOZmCQWZ5tw

Kaskade - Be Still: http://youtu.be/Up0-9f0LOR4

Wow.

That's wanting.
Not needing, there's a difference, although at times it looks the same.
Want.

Because

Sometimes you just need to be quiet by the water and listen to the answers inside your questions.

It's just that.

I've always liked the song, but not Adele's version. So much nicer, this one. I feel it tonight, deeply.

Mick McAuley & Winifred Horan - To Make You Feel …: http://youtu.be/8jY6mFKQQCU

Without you, things go hazy

Rosi Golan feat. William Fitzsimmons - Hazy (lyri…: http://youtu.be/wcisk24x_hU

Disclosure - Latch feat. Sam Smith (Official Vid…: http://youtu.be/93ASUImTedo

a night of reflection

Things have been tense between former and I. After being told that he no longer trusts me, that I have failed to teach our younger daughter good vs bad, among other things, today he asks for my help in becoming her friend because she's going to need support and help.

I was fairly frustrated and dumbfoundedby this request. It's just too much to go into, but did me the bottom line is that I have bent over the barrel and taken it for years to help facilitate a relationship between him and the girls and looking at the wreckage that remains after his last destructive attempt to be in her life, I'm feeling very guilty. Guilty that I allowed the negative influence to continue while trying to whitewash the truth in the hopes that both sides would figure it out. In truth, I suppose it had to run this course, and will need to likely get worse before it can get better. I couldn't have interfered without just cause of abuse, he had to have enough rope to hang himself, and now that he has I only hope that he can figure it out.

I hate this.

Hate.

Tonight I'm grieving for my dream of a "real family" for my children, the one I dreamed of. A father and a mother working together to create a life, to love, to support, to protect, to nuance each other, to show them how to grow, to learn, to share, to work, to hurt inside and how to forgive, how to try, how to live. I know that I tried as hard as I could, I thought if I dreamed that dream hard enough that it would cross the threshold and become something real. That was wrong of me. And my girls are paying the price. I can't tell you how awful that feels. What's worse is that there's nothing that I can do to change it. Tonight, it hurts very, very much. Tonight, it's very raw.

Dear someone said that she doesn't need a friend, she needs a father. A father and a mother.

He's very right. And I took that to reflect, wondering if that means that I am failing her as a mother.

Things are not as I know they should be, not as I want them to be for her, or for her sister. Things are better, however. And once this house sells and we are no longer in this constant cancerous reminder of betrayal it will be even better, even in the midst of change.

I don't know what to do other than this.
I can't, nor will I try, to be a father to them. That's silly. I'm their mom.  I'm not one of those women who believes that a mom takes a father's place.  it's impossible. The influence of a man who cares, who they trust to be there and do the right thing whether they like it or not, is not one that can be filled by a woman.

And so my heart is breaking tonight for that loss, for that unclaimed place in their lives.

All I can do is let the pain run it's course and find strength and hopefully guidance inside it.

Yes.

This, here. This is me.
Be it good or bad, I've never been able to make myself try and talk someone into wanting me.

Still.

I like the original release very much, but of the YouTube offerings, this is my favorite.
A beautiful, emotional song, every part of it is filled with feeling and I can't bear to hear it phoned in.

Eric Clapton - While my guitar gently weeps (HQ)…: http://youtu.be/rj4J6i_vw0w

:/

A frustrating night.

Waiting waiting waiting waiting

Tired
Frustrated
Missing a touch

Sell, house. Dammit.

Job to apply for, would be quite nice.

I'm ready.

Please.