Books

As you know, if you follow here at all, things have been difficult for me lately. I know that a large amount of it is from being far too tired. I do work long hours and the farm job, in particular, is physically exhausting. Many people think that it's standing behind a counter just running a register. It is that, but much much much more. Neither job has room for creativity from me, so the drudgery factor comes into play, but that is easy to push past. For a global person, I compartmentalize easily in those kinds of situations.
There's the house to take care of, the yard, the pets, the papers...there are my projects and goals, my fitness training, my extreme NEED for nature. My girls. My dear friends. None of which I am willing to sacrifice, and the order stated here is not accurate. People, pets at the top, and they are the why for the work. Someday, maybe, when things are more settled in the world, money can be put aside in greater quantities for a rainier day...but for now, there are many umbrellas already in need of tending. Anyway.
It wears on me.
I try to be brave and strong, not show weakness fear or frustration anywhere but here. There are so many posts in draft, some published then pulled, many just deleted... just vents. I don't want for anything to be written in hard copy and then found. We all become tired. Worn. Frightened. Frustrated. Discouraged. Angry. No one is immune.
Besides my struggles in the PAST with severe panic, with depression, the PTSD which rears its ugly head at the wrong times, I also struggle with eating disorders. Bulimia and anorexia. Neither are active, they are under control, but it takes daily talk when I am tired like this. BDD is strong and always active. I have no true concept of what I look like. When I look in the mirror, I see gargantua. Period. Change that, I don't know how so instead I disregard it and try to live as a person. That statement may not make sense, but if you know the journey, you know those words.
Why share that? It's with a great deal of apprehension, believe me. It shows weakness and vulnerability, which is extremely uncomfortable for me, for most people. I do not want sympathy nor do I want condemnation. It is here as an exercise toward healing for myself.
I've stated before that the shadows are where our demons live. We need those shadows. We have our demons. They are not separate from us. They are us just as much as anything else is. My belief, and my choice, is to make peace with them. Always. This is my next set to be friends with, this is my introduction of them into the lighter places. They will always live in the shadows, but that's ok. They were born there. It is their realm of existence. Peace between the places, that's my goal.
In a perfect ideal, we could erase and reset. Not be damaged or broken. But damage shows depth. It builds characters of awareness, acceptance, forgiveness, empathy, among many others. Breakage shows strength, healing, repairs...wisdom is nurtured in these places.
We all have baggage.
It's ok.
We should.
Lately, there have been more rumors in this small town. That my morals...well, that I have none. I thought about detailing the list, but I've opted not to. It's been hard. None is true. And I'm thankful for the people who know me. I'm not certain how things will continue to play out, but whatever happens, I'll be there.
Books. A very good friend, a blessing, gave me the heads up on a series of books. The Four Agreements, The 5 Levels of Attachment, The Voice of Knowledge...I picked a couple others as well.  These aren't new concepts, to me or to life, but I have been deeply grateful for the reminders that they carry. I had intended to go into greater detail, but I'm out of time.
Check them out. Lk what you feel.

Lovely, lovely song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9s4y9eK-Hg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

So Far Away

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GAaWz4X4nU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The Girl With The Red Balloon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2HF1NST1Vs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Every now and then...
Even I begin to lose hope.

Keep trying
Keep moving
Keep watching...
Keep waiting.

Smiling
Laughing
Crying.

Grateful for stars
Moonlight
Oceans
Sun.

Why wish for more.
Why try.
Why move.
Why watch.

Why wait.

For what...?

Crawl on my bed
Tired
Soul and body.
Wrap blanket around my body.
Feel my heart beat
Breathe in...out.
Quiet my mind.
Still my thoughts

Sink into sleep, shivering body calms with warmth...
Dreams
Morning

Hope lives again.

An attempt at a decent panorama...

ah well

Sigh.
When faced with unavoidable, albeit circumstancial, evidence...my only conclusion is the following:
I. Give. Up.
It is what it is.
A wedding is to be celebrated, however, so dry my heart and swallow my tears. There will be time for such feminine silliness another time.
So onward I go.
.. ouch.