The Breakfast Club

Remember? The Breakfast Club. 1985, Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall. Young adulthood for me, out of high school, dating, going to tech school, working, social life, late nights...and the endless questions about life. Is this all there is? Is any of this going to be worth it in the long haul? What the hell am I doing with myself? And of course...it's 3 AM and nope...I'm still not home yet. :) Yeah, I have to be at work in 4 hours. Plenty of time!
Good stuff.

Not that I ever forget the movie, we watch it regularly in fact, but tonight I was reminded of the final scene. And one of the best songs ever, in my opinion. What I didn't know is that Billy Idol had a shot to do the song, as a single, and passed. HA.

 The final scene is the one that always matters to me. We each are, as they say, all of the characters. We each have many "me's", and it took me awhile to accept that about myself. I would see people and think that they just had it sooooo together, why did I feel so pulled and drawn and sectioned out? Why were my interests so varied? Heck, why could I see so many different points of view, even if I didn't agree with them? Was there something wrong with me? 

No. 

Multi-faceted people, we all are. Or should be, imo. 

At any rate, the final scene of the movie...followed by the song itself.

Dear Mr. Vernon,
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole s

Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, b

But we think you're crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are.
You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out, is that each one of us is:

 a brain,
and an athlete,
and a basketcase,
a princess,
and a criminal.

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,

The Breakfast Club.

Don't You Forget About Me

Simple Minds

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Ooh, oh

Won't you come see about me?

I'll be alone, dancing, you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts

Giving me everything inside and out

And love's strange so real in the dark

Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart

When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't you forget about me

Don't, don't, don't, don't

Don't you forget about me

Will you stand above me?

Look my way, never love me

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling

Down, down, down

Will you recognize me?

Call my name or walk on by

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling

Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Ooh, oh

Don't you try to pretend

It's my feeling, we'll win in the end

I won't harm you or touch your defenses

Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me

I'll be alone, dancing, you know it baby

Going to take you apart

I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't you forget about me

Don't, don't, don't, don't

Don't you forget about me

As you walk on by

Will you call my name?

As you walk on by

Will you call my name?

When you walk away

Or will you walk away?

Will you walk on by?

Come on, call my name

Will you call my name?

I say, la la la

When you walk on by

And you call my name

lykke li...

Trippy chick, i really like her music. 

A few videos in quick succession. I can't post them on my fb wall, people will think I'm sending messages instead of just grooving to some songs. 

;)

Little Bit

I'm good, I'm gone

 Possibility

(yes, from New Moon)

this is a longer version, a live performance of the song. I'm not always a fan of live performance on video, but this one struck me. The song came to me through the movie, which also came to me at the time that I was at the beginning of the separation and divorce. It was powerful to me in many ways, as I've written about in earlier posts. 

Get Some, remix by Beck

Barton Hollow

The Civil Wars are a duo that have songs in the good ol storyteller vein. Their vocals and music is the kind that this trance/tech dance - hard metal girl can get into and listen to forever. One of my favorites right now, but I like all of their music off of The Barton Hollow cd, and their contributions to The Hunger Games soundtrack. They have an EP called Poison and Wine, which they call a description of their collaboration. 

For your enjoyment, and I hope you'll check out the rest. Also hoping that they are around for a long, long time. 

Barton Hollow

The Civil Wars

I'm a dead man walking here
But that's the least of all my fears
Ooh, underneath the water

It's not Alabama clay
That gives my trembling hands away
Please forgive me father

Ain't going back to Barton Hollow
Devil gonna follow me e'er I go
Won't do me no good washing in the river
Can't no preacher man save my soul

Did that full moon force my hand?
Or that un marked hundred grand?
Ooh, underneath the water
Please forgive me father

Miles and miles in my bare feet
Still can't lay me down to sleep
If I die before I wake
I know the Lord my soul won't take

I'm a dead man walking
I'm a dead man walking

Keep walking and running and running for miles
Keep walking and running and running for miles
Keep walking and running and running for miles

Ain't going back to Barton Hollow
Devil gonna follow me e'er I go
Won't do me no good washing in the river
Can't no preacher man save my soul 

and another...Wonderwall, Ryan Adams

I"ve always enjoyed the song by Oasis, then I heard this version this morning. I like it even better. 

Wonderwall

Ryan Adams

Small note:
Noel Gallagher has said that he never really could get his head around this song until he went and saw Ryan Adams perform it. 
Heart is everything. 

This song has many different interpretations and meanings given to it, but this one is the closest to what the song has always given me. From Song Meanings:

This song to me is about someone a mentor like Necronic suggests or a very good friend who may have borne the brunt of problems in the friendship or helped a friend through a bad time. Their situations have been reversed and now the "stronger" friend has fallen from his/her usual state.
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do, about you now

The weaker friend has to realize that he/she needs to help his/her friend. Now the previously stronger friend needs help. But he/she is scared of that for some reason.

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do

In this couplet he is commenting on the situation and how they both expect the other to help.
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do, about you now

This is a dual meaning section. The previously stronger friend wants to ask but doesn't know how. And the previously weaker friend wants to help but doesn't know how. Both of them are afraid to acknowledge the situation.

And all the roads that lead you there are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you but I don't know how

Though hope is never lost and there is still that chance so help those who helped you. (I'm such a hypocrite)

I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
Read more at http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/38/#jpuT6QizMcVYayqM.99 

So many different posts working...when in doubt, post music

Just heard this song ~

Details in The Fabric

Jason Mraz and Jason Morrison

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
And stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Civil Wars, 20 years

The Civil Wars

20 years

There's a note underneath your front door
That I wrote twenty years ago
Yellow paper and a faded picture
And a secret in an envelope
There's no reasons, no excuses
There's no secondhand alibis
Just some black ink on some blue lines
And a shadow you won't recognize
In the meantime I'll be waiting
For twenty years, twenty more
I'll be praying for redemption
And your note underneath my door

to do list

Those lists that we all make...I actually stopped making them years ago. But today, I wrote one down.

I feel so tired lately. This September malaise, I'm calling it now. I accomplish alot during the days, even though my perception is that I don't. When I make a list at the end of the day of what I did get done, it's huge. And it makes sense of why I'm worn out. But I still feel like I'm just spinning my wheels and I don't get that. 

Well, maybe I do. 

There is a huge amount of "stuff" that needs done, all the time. There was always a massive amount that needed done when there was more than just myself in charge, and even though I did most of the home and family stuff on my own, it helped to have that extra body to rest on when I needed to. That's one of the hardest things that I've had to come to terms with, what gets done and what doesn't. Because I simply cannot do it all, no matter how hard I try. 

It seems that I am in a constant state of wave management, keeping my nose just above the wave as much as possible, and accepting that I'm going to swamped from time to time. Things happen. This mess from a couple of weeks ago, for example. It bothers me that I am still unsettled by the encounter. Anyway. 

Right now I am sitting in my room, on my unmade bed, surrounded by electronic things charging, beeping, burping and burbling along. My room is unfinished still, I had a paint situation and I don't know how to proceed. Well, I didn't. Just spent some time researching ideas and have a plan of attack in mind. Did banking, sent emails, worked on my resume,  and fixed the phone that I thought was fixed. Now I have a few minutes to get to the DIY store and grab what I need, then off to work. 

But, I made this list...because things have piled so high, so fast in the past week that I am fuzzy headed on what it all is. First thing on the list, MAKE LIST. :) 

I'm glad that I did. It's a loooooooong list. And I feel a little sick looking at it. I know that I'll do with it what I always do, just put my head down and dig in, work as hard as I can and get all that I can get done.

Why do I feel like I'm spinning my wheels? It's all work, mechanics, things that need done. I am finding that I need a space of time often to do something peaceful for myself. Walk, take pictures, write, make jewelry, paint. Anything. And I haven't, except for the climb, in this month. It's worn me down. It's not just a frivolous thing. It's necessary for me to feel that I am accomplishing anything at all. 

I told a friend the other day that things such as this are "mental health breaks". And it's true. I used to refer to those when I'd go work in the garden or the barns. There was something deeply satisfying there and I felt recharged and renewed. Those aren't things in my life anymore, and that's alright. I have things that I do instead. It doesn't satisfy as deeply...yet. But close.

And then there is that space of sadness that is always there. I'd better just make friends with it now. It's hard to accept it as it is, but I think that's what has to happen. Even though I'd prefer it gone, I can show it a good time. Take it places, show it the sights, let it experience life along with me. It's already there, after all. Might as well. 

I really do believe that life is a wonderful thing. Even with all the wreckage. 

Ready to hit that list again. Blessings on your day ~ 

Applies in my head, because of the msg that it always give me. So this song is posted for me, alone. Hope it works, not sure all the links are happening.

Incubus

"Drive"

September...

Such a September. You crazy month, how I went into you with open arms and a wide smile, thinking that I might be ready for what you might throw at me...here it is, now, on the 24th, and I have been flinching my way through you steadily. Please, stop the surprises, dear month. It's now autumn and I so desperately want to love this time of year again.

It hasn't been all bad, not at all. Life never is, even at it's hardest points. There is always some good to be found, sometimes with more effort than a person feels that they have. But it's always there. The good things have, by far, outweighed any bad. They deserve some recognition.

My younger daughter started school at the local high, our first full-time jump into the public system. Older daughter took language and AP classes, "for fun", after we finished with our schooling at home, and younger has been enrolled in a parent/partnership under the this school system for several years. But this...this is big, for me. I have a deep distrust of the public system...but that's another post. She is enjoying it all very much and I am excited for her to have the good experiences of high school. 

Got a few hikes in this month. I do love hiking in these woods. The trees, the sky, the sounds and smells. It takes me back to Ashford, the first place that ever felt like home in my life, where I could spend hours off in the hills and backwoods with my horse, skipping many days of school to soak in the peace and beauty I found. I healed many wounds out there, hearing the trees whisper to each other, learning to find my way by trusting the land, my horse and my instincts. My mom...I wonder how much stress those days put on her, never knowing where I was. She would only ask if the day was a good one, and listen to whatever I chose to share with her. I wrote poems and songs and discovered the deep bond that one can have with an animal. I've always been close to them, but this is when I learned to truly connect. Hiking now brings all of this back to me. This summer I had planned to participate in the Hellrun but ended up pulling a week before due to outside circumstances...that was a bad, very bad week, for me. But on the day after the run was to happen I took the opportunity to hike/climb Mt Pilchuck. I say climb only in that a large portion of the trail is rock and the steps were almost mid-thigh for me. I was definitely feeling it around the mile high mark. But now, when i look at the mountain that looms behind this town, I can see the very highest point and know that I stood on that rock and had a moment of accomplishment. And victory. 

I closed that very bad week that I mentioned as I stood on the tip of that rock. There is something about being almost twice as high in the air as either of the closest passes, without gear and nothing below this piece of rock for a few hundred feet that can give you a feeling of strength and determination to stay above the wave, not let it swamp you. I had taken that emotional hit a week or so before and was still reeling from it. And another person that I felt close to had a bad time hit them and was "gone" that whole week...i knew it, I could feel it, and I couldn't do anything to help them except send good thoughts and feel a terrible feeling of sadness. Work hours were cut again, issues came up with family, friends all around me were in trouble and needing help and I suddenly felt weary to the bone, deep in my soul. That's when someone I used to know vaguely approached me, asking if I could help him with something. I never expected that the "favor" was to be the shared toy of his wife and himself, or the verbal assault that happened when I politely declined. Yes. Politely. I felt violated. Slick, oil coated filthy. It brought old, long buried memories of other, different things, to the surface and I wanted nothing more than to run as far as I could get us, as fast as possible. Then I became angry, out walking at night as I like to do, when fear hit me. Miles from home, and suddenly I felt the cold, black crush of terror wash over me. What was I doing? I was out there, in the dark, alone, vulnerable, stupidly without flashlight or any protection. It had been quite awhile since I had felt any fear in the night, or for my safety. I stood there, shaking and feeling sick...and then I got mad. Disrespect me? Whatever. Call me names? Go ahead. Take my hard earned peace of mind and personal circle of safety from me? No. NO. I worked too hard, for too long. Nobody was going to take that from me, not without my handing that over, and that was NEVER going to happen. That walk ended up with some major time being set...and me jumping a mile at a cow mooing. That made me laugh. And then I think I scared the cow. Anyway. That was a tough day. Even in the middle of my recently shattered heart I hadn't felt so much like quitting everything. But that night, I did. Just not enough to not know that morning will always bring some break in the cloud cover. Just enough to get a toehold in somewhere and keep going. 

So a couple strange days and evenings, for a different time...if ever. And then a sleepless night and a determination in the morning to climb a mountain. To prove that I could do this. To take myself to a physical limit and push through. To feel the peace and stillness inside of me again, that I found so many years ago on a different mountain, when my much younger spirit was battered and torn. So a dear friend and her husband and big ol brown dog boy and I headed out. I think that it's pretty apparent from any time with me that I am a deeply symbolic person. I see it everywhere and feel it in the places of me where I begin and return. 
In the week since, my normal state of lunacy has been returning. The equinox always plays havoc with people, so it wasn't a calm time in the least. People around me continued to struggle and i worked to return to my place of acceptance and understanding. Not just in my mind, but to feel it in my heart. It was hard to let go again, but I did manage to allow it to happen. 

Other things of this month, my nephew had open heart surgery and did beautifully. So strange to think of him as an adult, although he is now 40. He was born when I was 6 and very dear to me he is. He is recovering well, I am very thankful. 

My older daughter had a good weekend vacation and is feeling happy and optimistic about life again. She is such a joy to me, no matter what we have been through together. I would choose her as a friend, I am sure that I have said that before here. But it's so true. When she is feeling good about things the sun shines more brightly than in mid-summer. Money can't begin to hope to buy the feeling that gives to me.

Younger daughter has a very nice young man in her life and is in the running for her grade's homecoming princess. Not bad for my tiny sprite, fiery redhead lass. :)

Glad that I will be able to work my favorite October gig ever, at a local farm's haunted swamp. So much fun, working late at night on the fog swirled farmland by the slough. It's simply beautiful there, so peaceful. Okay, I have to laugh...the land is peaceful. The swamp is NOT. It's full of chainsaws, moans and people screaming as they go through it. But tune that out and you have owls, night birds, the wind blowing softly through the fields of pumpkins and corn, the occasional coyote song, the smell of damp earth and dying vegetation. It's cold, crisp, the coffee warms my hands and burns my throat, the people are fun and ready for an adventure.

And to top it off a bit, I figured out the camera, switched my phone over and now have this laptop to use. So not a terrible month all in all. Just some very rough spots.

Of course...if I could rewind last night and not share something that I did, that would be awesome. It was something that I don't tell people about my life, not anything that I've done, but I feel embarrassment in it and so I keep it to myself. Except that...I was reminded of why I stay very quiet about much of myself. Even here. But there's nothing that I can do now. If they walk away, they do. It would become better to know that there is a limit to their understanding and acceptance. That's how I have to look at it now. But I've learned, and I will stay silent on such matters. I suppose, like most people, I yearn for the existence of a person who can know of the darkness that has touched me but only see the light left behind. Ah well. It's okay. It's September. 

Song...the chorus doesn't apply, but the verses do.

Metric

Eclipse (All Yours)

lyrics below

Other lives always tempted to trade 
Will they hate me for all the choices I've made 
Will they stop when they see me again? 
I can't stop now I know who I am 

Now I'm all yours, I'm not afraid 
And you're all mine, say what they may 
And all your love I'll take to the grave 
And all my life starts now 

Tear me down they can't take you out of my thoughts 
Under every scar there's a battle I've lost 
Will they stop when they see us again? 
I can't stop now I know who I am 

Now I'm all yours, I'm not afraid 
And you're all mine, say what they may 
And all your love I'll take to the grave 
And all my life starts 

I'm all yours, I'm not afraid 
And you're all mine, say what they may 
And all your love I'll take to a grave 
And all my life starts starts now

Broken Wings ~

I've always loved this song. From the first moment that i first heard it. I know I've posted it before, but it just came on Pandora and I can't ever resist singing along with it. Plus, I just think the video is great. :)

(of course, Survivor just came on also, with Eye of the Tiger...)

 

It's all I know.

Your half of the flesh and blood makes me whole.

So take these broken wings

and learn to fly again -

learn to live so free.

When we hear the voices sing

The book of love will open up

for us 

and let us in.

 

 

Mister Mister

Broken Wings

 

 

 

 



What is never seen

What we never see about a person is where the truth of them lies.

Or is it?

It depends on who is doing the seeing and which set of eyes they use.

I believe in the good things of life. I believe that in every awful situation there is goodness. I believe that while we feel and experience great pain at times, there is a purpose served that is greater if we are willing to let it be.

I recently had somebody, not any one close to me at all, tell me that I was an idealistic infant. I knew that they were having a bad day, and having served them their coffee I had offered a sentiment of a better day happening. I didn't intend for it to be trite and it wasn't offered that way. I wasn't offended by their comment...it isn't often that I am referred to as an infant anymore, but I did have the concern that this person felt I was just tossing their troubles, which they had shared with me unbidden, off with merely a statement of closing.

I know that some see my statements of the perfectly imperfect with a cynical eye. They will believe that I don't understand how dark and terrible life can be. They don't know that I know those facts all too well. But my heart refuses to believe that there isn't light that is stronger than the shadows. I believe in hope, in it's power and in all the good that it can do. Hope changes hell into something that can be more than just endured or tolerated. I won't say heaven, but joy needs hope in order to begin it's life.

I know how hard it can be. I know that it's safe to hold the pain because it's real, it's here...it's known. To believe that there can be life without deep pain ruling the days, when that is what you have...that's not so easy.

They don't know the ledges that I've leaned over. The thoughts that I've entertained. They won't see the depths that pain has taken me to, the claw marks I've made up the walls out of the pits of blackness that I didn't always fall into...sometimes I walked in. They can't see how dark the corners of my soul can be, or what demons I've met and walked with.

But they should believe it. Because everyone goes there, in their own level, their own way. I'm not unique in my experiences. Maybe they are different from another's situations, but in essence they are the same. We all walk the path of darkness. We've all felt the light. We all struggle to find the balance between the 2, finding the place where we are truly ourselves, where we really exist. Perhaps we aren't all aware of it, but it's there. 

I do believe in goodness. In love. My shattered and obliterated heart stubbornly knows that what has happened to it isn't what is real. It's the sadness of another that has dealt those hands of hurt. I know that someday, somewhere, there will be one who will see what worth there is in me, just as I see it in them.

I accept beauty in all of it's forms. I accept that life is messy and that people are imperfect. I understand that it is not my place to judge another and so I don't. I work hard to forgive and to process pain through me instead of masking it in anger.

I know that may appear like an out-of-touch PollyAnna...but I say to you that PollyAnna knew pain. She knew abandonment. She knew sorrow. Anger. Loss. What she didn't know was hopelessness. She did feel it, but the truth of hope in her heart won the day. We all get there, to hopelessness. And we all choose whether or not to believe in hope, again.

Many years ago I determined that, for me, for as long as I live, I will choose to believe in hope.

I know heartache. Pain. Abandonment. Despair. Destruction. I have stood inside the abyss of utter desolation, alone, and faced with the choice of moving deeper within it's seductive pull or turning my back on it. Not once, but many times.

I believe that most do.

I have parts of my memory that are lost to me. Gone. I've tried different techniques to unlock the doors and bring them back. But something deeper in me keeps them locked. I know that during the times those blocks occur are times when what I do remember about life isn't good. So, I've now accepted the loss of memory as a gift. It isn't necessary for me to know, at least not now. I only mention this because I am told, often, that it's obvious that I don't know sorrow. I do. It just simply doesn't matter that much, it isn't my ruling guide.

Everything in life is balanced. There will always be good with the bad, light with the dark, love with the pain, joy with the heartache. It is the nature of living. I don't expect it to be different. I am willing to accept the one in order to experience and appreciate the other. I choose to focus on what I want to see in life. It doesn't mean that I'm unaware. It simply means...i'll say it again...that the other doesn't matter. All that does matter, all that I will give strength to, is the good. The bad sides, they exist. I may visit them, but I choose to not feed them.

This weekend I have been dealing with some of the greatest pain of the past several years. The fact is that it is here. It is terrible. It's working it's way through me, it's taken me down a few times. I can't share it, it's mine alone to manage. But the other fact is that it will leave as I refuse to hold it. I accept that it is not something that I want, I want it to leave. And so, it will.

We're all pocket philosophers...not sure where that came from just now, and I know it's out of place here, but it wants to be here somewhere. I'll just leave it for the moment. 

There is a deeper and greater goodness that is happening in my life. It's come to me as a surprise and no matter what happens, I will protect and cherish it...it is precious, and beautiful. So, if this pain is what has to be felt now, experienced, walked through, to enjoy more the other, then I will do it. And so I am. If this good thing chooses not to stay...well, as with everything, I wouldn't force it to stay. But I wouldn't trade a moment of what has already been for anything else.

So.

See what is here, or see it not. That choice is yours. It's mine, where you are concerned. I choose to believe that you are all things. You will show me what is you and what is not.

Should you choose to not see all that I may be, it still won't affect how I see you. Just be who you are, what is real.

I look for the truth of you and I believe that I will find it.

For a song...help me, please. I can't think of one. I can think of many, but that won't work, so it'll take somebody else's idea.