More random thoughts

Actually, not so random.
Tomorrow is my youngest daughter's birthday. She's heading for the big 15, and in my opinion, 15 is a much bigger deal than 16 or 17. It's the age when the worst of adolescence has been felt, much of what can be seen has been and they are truly stepping into their shoes of young adulthood. Perhaps not for boys, but for young women, it is.
If you've followed anything in this blog, then you know that it's been a tumultous few years for us. My girls have dealt with the issue of abandonment and betrayal, as I have, but I think that it's worse for them. A child, in the setting that we all wish for, does not have to feel the loss of a parent by that parent's choice. Especially a daughter with her dad. For myself, I had to teach myself what it was to be around a man. I had no idea and my mom wouldn't talk about it. Anyway.
As this birthday is hitting, the 3rd since we divorced, her dad is wanting to spend time with her. He wants to get to know her now, to be a part of her life. I see what I knew would happen playing out and it's as hard to watch as I thought it would be. He has missed so much more than just 3 years, he threw away 3 before that as well. And he has no relationship with the girls. There was a time when I was actively involved in trying to keep him from following this path that he chose, warning him bluntly of this very thing. And telling him that someday, if he decided that he did want a relationship, that he'd have to make it happen without me.

He didn't believe me.

There are days when I almost wish that I could find the anger that I used to feel. May sound awful. In some ways it was easier to deal with. But it's gone. I worked so hard to get rid of it, because anger is an unrelenting and ruthless master. It devours who serves it and serves nothing else. I didn't want to be lost in a sea of bitterness and bile, I'd already given enough of my life to that situation and I was done sacrificing.

But tonight, after her dad had been over and dropped off his gifts to her, I received a text. A few. Bottom line, did she open them yet? Did she like them? What was her reaction to this package? To the card? Did she get the joke? Did she laugh?

And it hurt. A small ache right in my center. That same ache that I felt last week when my older girl's name change became legal. That severing. The loss. His loss.

I answered the questions. And I'll never stand in the way of his attempts to build a relationship, as long as it stays healthy. I tell the girls to keep that door open. I tell them that people can change. They can try. That life is too short to waste time and too long to hold grudges.

It's too long to not learn that while anger may be easier to handle on the surface, it is only avoiding the real issue. The pain.

For me, I handle emotional pain much the way that I do physical. I feel both easily, low threshold. But high tolerance. It takes an awareness of the issue, or the cause. An almost analytical view of what it is that is causing the physical sensation of pain, because emotional pain is felt physically as well as psychically. An acceptance of the presence of it. This removes the barrier of resistance that creates a secondary pain that feeds the cycle of the first. It requires one to surrender into the pool of what hurts. With barriers removed, the conduits in the body are open for movement. At this point I imagine that the pain is of a form and moving through my body, from the source to a point of exit. As I used to do with panic attacks and the surge of adrenalin, I mentally picture that it is flowing through and then out my fingers and toes. Get a giggle on here and imagine the part in Disney's Beauty and The Beast, when the Beast is transformed back to the Prince. That's what I see. For physical pain, it works instantly. That is a pain that travels quickly, it's almost electric. I keep it as an open flow and focus elsewhere once the channel is open.

Emotional pain follows the same path, but it lingers. It comes not from a single site, but seemingly from the cells themselves. It is a slow moving river, it touches every part and piece. It can take me to my knees, but I can't shrink from the feelings. At the same time, I can't give over to it completely as I can the physical. It takes time. It consecrates everything it touches as it burns and cleanses through it's process. This sounds dramatic and awful, quite likely, but it isn't. It's not fun! But when it leaves, because that is the goal, that is the purpose for doing this at all, it is gone. It leaves behind it a polished path, a more open and understanding heart, a deeper acceptance of life and loss, and a much larger capacity to feel and give love.

All I felt, tonight, besides the ache, was compassion. I can do nothing to change this course. It is theirs to journey, I'm out. But I care. His choice or not, I don't want for there to be pain, even though there is.

And yes, I did. I came home from my walk and cried. It was good therapy. And talked with my older girl alot. And freaked out the dogs. Always good for a laugh.

Be careful.
You can't second guess everything you do, but remember that 2nd chances truly are rare. 2nd chances come from the open and forgiving heart of the person screwed over, you can't create or will them into being. Use your first chances wisely. Don't burn bridges. Treat people with respect and kindness. Never walk away unless you are certain that you are done.
Just be careful.

I always leave with a song.

For them 

John Mayer, "In Repair"

(lyrics below)

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

And now I'm walking in the park
And all of the birds, they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh, yeah, I'm never really ready
Oh, I'm never really ready

I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there

I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there

I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there