sometimes

Sometimes, the important conversations that happen end up being somebody's verbal drug/drunk text terror the next morning...and you know it when you see the look in their eyes as they try to ask what happened without asking what happened...

and you just have to say to yourself

Fuck this shit ~

And let it go.

If it's real, and important enough, that conversation will happen during the stone cold sober moment.

Meanwhile, I have a lease that's up in 6 months and I need to make plans on where to be and what to be and how to be. 

Sounds fine. 

So why does my heart hurt?

from a time in my life

When the craters became deep, making space inside for the opportunities to be who I am, if I so chose it.
And there it is.

and so, and so

And so, it goes.

Pull my strings, watch me move, I do anything...

Yeah, you know I love Depeche Mode.

This remix is my current crush.

Behind the Wheel

Vince Clarke Remix

(lyrics below)

My little girl
Drive anywhere
Do what you want
I don't care
Tonight
I'm in the hands of fate
I hand myself
Over on a plate
Now

Oh little girl
There are times when I feel
I'd rather not be
The one behind the wheel
Come
Pull my strings
Watch me move
I do anything
Please

Sweet little girl
I prefer
You behind the wheel
And me the passenger
Drive
I'm yours to keep
Do what you want
I'm going cheap
Tonight

You're behind the wheel tonight

moon

Moon ~ 
Where?
oh...
good.

Hello, moon ~
outside my window, looking down, in my room.
Watching all.
knowing...

Security.

Walk tonight.
We do, or
I do; 
you're with me.

Tired.
So tired.

It happens,
through the woods, always the woods.
Paths known, by you, moon.
You light the path, always watching, 
I follow your light.

The door.

Opening.

Quiet, 
be quiet.

Still.

Don't make a sound.
no...
shhh.

Stepping through ~
hand over mouth
so quiet.

Eyes, open, 
seeing the way
on the path, 
the path...
following your light
through the woods,
each step the same
each step different.

Small.
So small.

So tired.
Tired.

Focus, focus on the path, 
watch the light.
Look.
Look for the grass, see it, think about seeing it...
tall, taller than before, moving.

Strange.
It didn't do that before.

The same, only different.

Where, where is the tree? 
Find it, find it...
see? See, it's there.

Low branches in the light
branches to climb,
climb to the moon, to look for the fairies...
see them?
See?
No...but look for dreams.
Watch.
Watch for the dreams.

Be still. 
Be...
quiet.

Shhh...

The walk, it changes, just a little
each time.
A branch, bent a little, maybe broken,
A stone, moved...or more.

What? 
A sound.

Afraid, fear in the light, no...
It's safe here.
Still...I am afraid.

Wait ~

Is it someone?

Do they see?

Do they know?

Tired.
Hurt.
Hurting. 

Moon, stay, Stay with me,
Don't leave, don't take your light.
I...need you.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm.
So.
Tired.

Time to go. 
Going back, 
back through the woods, by the tree,
the grasses
to the room.

Through the door
of the secret walk.

Never told.
No one knows.

Who would care?

Footsteps. Again.
Away.

Dreams.
Dreams of nights when the walk never ends.
Never come back.
Stay in the woods,
in your light, 
in the tree...
reach the stars, the fairies, the dream.

alone.

small. safe, hidden.

but never alone, with you.

You. 

Always watching.

With me.

Moon.

Has it been awhile? Yes.
I've been working, a little, writing, a lot, downsizing my stuff, trying to spread love and encouragement.
Holidays have come and gone, spent differently, with different people. Holidays with the young woman who lives here with my girl and I, holidays with a man I love deeply, and his children. Holidays that gave me a taste of what life could be like, a beautiful thing, and terrible all at the same time. Beautiful in that finding myself inside a place that feels like a home I never knew, with people I unknowingly knew, living in a way that feels natural...terrible only due to only being able to touch for a moment and then go back to my respective place and i feel fragmented.
But. Those moments are wonderful.
In navigating my way through the stages of acceptance of this relationship I have dealt with every emotion that I can imagine. Joy, disbelief, terror, peace, passion, caution...all within my own contained space. Terror, sheer, at times mind-blowing terror, at acknowledging that this man was deep inside my innermost places long before I was aware.
I have suddenly become so...well shoot...very tired.