Good article on writing and the creative life.
For consideration...
Saturday, November 30, 2013
crazy
Man. I've been a mess lately.
I hate it when that happens. Yes, it happens. And I hate it.
There have been a couple of times in the past, during therapy sessions, when I've requested testing for bi-polar disorder. I hated that also, the asking. But it's something that I do, I always have. When something is worrying me and I can no longer unravel the mess, I run straight at it. Wise? I don't know. Sometimes, maybe, sometimes DEFINITELY NOT. By "running straight at it", it's the same as the "grasping a nettle" logic. Hold firm and bold, don't wishy/wash, it's better to ask for clarification in all things, imo, than to flail and wonder in the cloud.
In my past of trauma is where that was born. I'm following a rabbit trail here, bear with me...
When someone in your life, that you instinctively trust and look to for protection and guidance, begins to act in ways that are contrary to that, things get a little screwed up in your head. The cellular part of you is in trust and follow mode, while the cerebral is sitting in the valley of shock and confusion, as the behavior is completely foreign to the mold that person lives in within you. After the event, there is the lingering wave of all things difficult and confused, until it ebbs and flows away, leaving behind a trace of pain, just enough to create doubt in deep ways, but not enough to break the mold open...yet.
I lived in those limbo spaces for many years. What it did was teach me to question everything. Everything. Nothing got a place to rest inside of me until it had been quite thoroughly analyzed and demonized, redeemed and then placed, finally, somewhere...with an eject system firmly in place. Seriously.
After my first massive breakdown, I was able to flush much of that grey away, and find core pieces of me, the solid bits that the mountain gave me. And I began to track my reactions to situations and find patterns and solutions.
Another smaller breakdown, many years later, led me to information regarding the physical reactions alone that come into play with panic disorder, physical depletion(which is different from depression), and PTSD. I began a time of deep research into these things during that time, and came out with strong skills in dealing with that basic, but very important, component. Recognizing the physical reactions objectively, before allowing them to be taken by emotions, is key. It happens almost simultaneously, so the breakdown and critical analysis must be clean and very tight. For a visual, it throws me into a state not unlike the Matrix scenes, where motion appears to slow. And it works beautifully. I've had success in teaching others how to do this also, but they have to be open, which is difficult in those situations. The first reaction is to close up, and it begins to happen before the physical recognition of the trigger is complete. Being with someone, right next to them, touching if possible, when a trigger hits, is best. Anyway, it takes time and a willingness to go there. Long rabbit trail.
So. My quest for clarification, to get back to the point here...cut through the grey and see what it is. Just do it. Don't sit and look at it and wonder, don't assume, don't be assumed, just fucking find out. DO. IT. Ask it, grab it, see it, know it. Period. That's my approach. Sometimes, as I said, it's great. Other times...not so much.
In reverse, I forget that people don't think the same way that I do...not that I am special, we are each unique unto our own selves...and that perhaps they don't need the clarification that I do. Or they need it differently. Or they need to seek it themselves. This is where I still get very, very foggy.
I hate it.
There's something about me that I cannot change. In times of stress, of unknowns, I worry.
Worry like a mo fo, sometimes.
So kill me.
I don't like it anymore than anybody else does. And if anyone had a clue, ONE SINGLE EFFING CLUE, as to how hard I work to sift the worries from the "real" pile and the "imposter" pile, they would see it not as crazy, but as something quite different. There are 3 people in this world who understand this about me, 3 that I am aware of. They have infinite patience with me through it and have learned to sit and let me spin myself like a centrifuge to toss the shit out and keep only the real. They jump in to stop me from beating myself up over every tiny perceived mistake, which comes from another pool of trauma...mistakes made = beating. Not playing a drama card, that's just how it was. So, those two items play together, badly, in me during times of high stress.
And that is where I am right now.
Trying to get the house ready to list, I can't reach the hedges safely to trim them. Frustrating, but I can manage to get it done. Working on the painting bits that need done, every time I turn around supplies are gone. Patching a spot in the wall, I come home and find a new one from the gate that we put up to keep the dogs contained. Get the carpets cleaned, see a new set of stains in kid's room from the damn bong water spilling. AND that leads to the smell. WHICH leads to the next...
She's got me worried. Of course, any teen girl will have a parent worried. And this one in particular. But the past week or so has me on high alert. I've talked with her sister, so we're watching, but that's it. Noone else, except now this blog. I'm certain that there aren't other drugs involved, I see absolutely no evidence of that, but there are other factors. So sleeping isn't happening much, lots of watching...and much worry.
I need to get us the hell out of here. And I'm trying.
Meanwhile, I'm acting like a crazy person in some respects. And I hate that. So much more than I can say.
Back to the bi-polar. Yes, I requested testing. Because it frightened me. I had enough clarification in myself to know that there was a pattern of some type and that when certain conditions hit, I was not in a place that I deemed OK. And that there was a type of a hangover afterward. And I needed to know. If I was, then I was, and I'd have a direction and tools to learn to manage it with. So I grabbed the bull and did it. A few times.
I'm not.
I'm an "adult survivor of multiple childhood trauma events, physical/sexual/emotional, with a history of panic disorder and mild anxiety as a result, and a past record of severe depression(2 events)".
That is my "classification", if one is even necessary. Medication has helped with the severe panic, in the past, when I couldn't get on top of it and control the reaction, and meds helped with the last very severe breakdown. In general, they don't help me and I am healthier in all respects without them. Not only my choice, born out through professionals as well.
I have scars that run physically and otherwise. The physical are nothing to me. The emotional is the worry. Yes. The constant radar scanning for danger that happens when these times of stress are upon me.
This time of year is especially tough. The darkness is hard, the grey is hard, the holidays are hard. Actually, it's the AFTER the holidays that are hard. The lights, the songs, the happy, the brightness, then it all gives way, in a moment, to the grey and cold and of January. I try to be like Scrooge, the new Scrooge, and just keep Christmas in my heart and given out, always, to help with that contrast. Thanksgiving was hard this year. But it's all just a day, anyway.
I'm working to get back to my silly appearing place of pink glasses and happiness. Life is good. It really is. Daughter will be fine...eventually. She will. It's going to be interesting in between and I can't help but wish there was help that would help in this time, someone she can respect and hear. I put that plea out into the universe and we'll see what happens. I know what I'd like to see, it all made sense, but I believe my worry may have killed that. No worrying about that...it's now in the grey realm. It's out of my hands and if I must chalk it up to "teri fucked up", then I'll take it. and learn.
Here's to the conundrum of life.
I hate it when that happens. Yes, it happens. And I hate it.
There have been a couple of times in the past, during therapy sessions, when I've requested testing for bi-polar disorder. I hated that also, the asking. But it's something that I do, I always have. When something is worrying me and I can no longer unravel the mess, I run straight at it. Wise? I don't know. Sometimes, maybe, sometimes DEFINITELY NOT. By "running straight at it", it's the same as the "grasping a nettle" logic. Hold firm and bold, don't wishy/wash, it's better to ask for clarification in all things, imo, than to flail and wonder in the cloud.
In my past of trauma is where that was born. I'm following a rabbit trail here, bear with me...
When someone in your life, that you instinctively trust and look to for protection and guidance, begins to act in ways that are contrary to that, things get a little screwed up in your head. The cellular part of you is in trust and follow mode, while the cerebral is sitting in the valley of shock and confusion, as the behavior is completely foreign to the mold that person lives in within you. After the event, there is the lingering wave of all things difficult and confused, until it ebbs and flows away, leaving behind a trace of pain, just enough to create doubt in deep ways, but not enough to break the mold open...yet.
I lived in those limbo spaces for many years. What it did was teach me to question everything. Everything. Nothing got a place to rest inside of me until it had been quite thoroughly analyzed and demonized, redeemed and then placed, finally, somewhere...with an eject system firmly in place. Seriously.
After my first massive breakdown, I was able to flush much of that grey away, and find core pieces of me, the solid bits that the mountain gave me. And I began to track my reactions to situations and find patterns and solutions.
Another smaller breakdown, many years later, led me to information regarding the physical reactions alone that come into play with panic disorder, physical depletion(which is different from depression), and PTSD. I began a time of deep research into these things during that time, and came out with strong skills in dealing with that basic, but very important, component. Recognizing the physical reactions objectively, before allowing them to be taken by emotions, is key. It happens almost simultaneously, so the breakdown and critical analysis must be clean and very tight. For a visual, it throws me into a state not unlike the Matrix scenes, where motion appears to slow. And it works beautifully. I've had success in teaching others how to do this also, but they have to be open, which is difficult in those situations. The first reaction is to close up, and it begins to happen before the physical recognition of the trigger is complete. Being with someone, right next to them, touching if possible, when a trigger hits, is best. Anyway, it takes time and a willingness to go there. Long rabbit trail.
So. My quest for clarification, to get back to the point here...cut through the grey and see what it is. Just do it. Don't sit and look at it and wonder, don't assume, don't be assumed, just fucking find out. DO. IT. Ask it, grab it, see it, know it. Period. That's my approach. Sometimes, as I said, it's great. Other times...not so much.
In reverse, I forget that people don't think the same way that I do...not that I am special, we are each unique unto our own selves...and that perhaps they don't need the clarification that I do. Or they need it differently. Or they need to seek it themselves. This is where I still get very, very foggy.
I hate it.
There's something about me that I cannot change. In times of stress, of unknowns, I worry.
Worry like a mo fo, sometimes.
So kill me.
I don't like it anymore than anybody else does. And if anyone had a clue, ONE SINGLE EFFING CLUE, as to how hard I work to sift the worries from the "real" pile and the "imposter" pile, they would see it not as crazy, but as something quite different. There are 3 people in this world who understand this about me, 3 that I am aware of. They have infinite patience with me through it and have learned to sit and let me spin myself like a centrifuge to toss the shit out and keep only the real. They jump in to stop me from beating myself up over every tiny perceived mistake, which comes from another pool of trauma...mistakes made = beating. Not playing a drama card, that's just how it was. So, those two items play together, badly, in me during times of high stress.
And that is where I am right now.
Trying to get the house ready to list, I can't reach the hedges safely to trim them. Frustrating, but I can manage to get it done. Working on the painting bits that need done, every time I turn around supplies are gone. Patching a spot in the wall, I come home and find a new one from the gate that we put up to keep the dogs contained. Get the carpets cleaned, see a new set of stains in kid's room from the damn bong water spilling. AND that leads to the smell. WHICH leads to the next...
She's got me worried. Of course, any teen girl will have a parent worried. And this one in particular. But the past week or so has me on high alert. I've talked with her sister, so we're watching, but that's it. Noone else, except now this blog. I'm certain that there aren't other drugs involved, I see absolutely no evidence of that, but there are other factors. So sleeping isn't happening much, lots of watching...and much worry.
I need to get us the hell out of here. And I'm trying.
Meanwhile, I'm acting like a crazy person in some respects. And I hate that. So much more than I can say.
Back to the bi-polar. Yes, I requested testing. Because it frightened me. I had enough clarification in myself to know that there was a pattern of some type and that when certain conditions hit, I was not in a place that I deemed OK. And that there was a type of a hangover afterward. And I needed to know. If I was, then I was, and I'd have a direction and tools to learn to manage it with. So I grabbed the bull and did it. A few times.
I'm not.
I'm an "adult survivor of multiple childhood trauma events, physical/sexual/emotional, with a history of panic disorder and mild anxiety as a result, and a past record of severe depression(2 events)".
That is my "classification", if one is even necessary. Medication has helped with the severe panic, in the past, when I couldn't get on top of it and control the reaction, and meds helped with the last very severe breakdown. In general, they don't help me and I am healthier in all respects without them. Not only my choice, born out through professionals as well.
I have scars that run physically and otherwise. The physical are nothing to me. The emotional is the worry. Yes. The constant radar scanning for danger that happens when these times of stress are upon me.
This time of year is especially tough. The darkness is hard, the grey is hard, the holidays are hard. Actually, it's the AFTER the holidays that are hard. The lights, the songs, the happy, the brightness, then it all gives way, in a moment, to the grey and cold and of January. I try to be like Scrooge, the new Scrooge, and just keep Christmas in my heart and given out, always, to help with that contrast. Thanksgiving was hard this year. But it's all just a day, anyway.
I'm working to get back to my silly appearing place of pink glasses and happiness. Life is good. It really is. Daughter will be fine...eventually. She will. It's going to be interesting in between and I can't help but wish there was help that would help in this time, someone she can respect and hear. I put that plea out into the universe and we'll see what happens. I know what I'd like to see, it all made sense, but I believe my worry may have killed that. No worrying about that...it's now in the grey realm. It's out of my hands and if I must chalk it up to "teri fucked up", then I'll take it. and learn.
Here's to the conundrum of life.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
...
It just doesn't get easier, does it?
I'm here in the kitchen, after work, chopping prepping cleaning mixing cooking for Thanksgiving...alone. Got my kitchen candles burning, jazz standards playing, big ol happy apron on, and now a big kahlua and coffee, lovely birthday roses I was given from a sweet friend...and while often I can hide the empty feelings inside of those things, it's not working tonight.
Daughter had jokingly said that for my birthday she'd make sure to not pull any bitch stuff. Yeah. Well, I did hope.
Not so much.
She came downstairs and the best she could do was glare. I started to feel uncomfortable moving around or singing, she wouldn't talk...I finally said that she could go upstairs if she wanted, it was okay, which was obviously the meanest thing EVER. Yes, just that way. My response to the ensuing drama was to then to let her know that if she wanted to stay the attitude had to dial down. I was trying hard to be up and happy and not feel ridiculous, like a little girl pretending to take care of her family and cook a feast for...what?
I didn't say that part to her, but she left.
Every Thanksgiving eve since the year before the divorce I feel like an Eleanor Rigby. Truly.
I'm family bent. I'm not a career girl, but I want and like to work. I'm wired to take care and nurture, as most women are, while leaving those wings free to stretch. I don't believe in not being attached to the person you're involved with, but I never want to smother them. Anyway.
She went upstairs, and after a bit I went up to see if I could help with whatever is bothering her.
Nope.
Stating why it mattered to me, I'm met with "you just want to make me feel like shit".
Wow.
Familiar words.
And not even close to any spot of reality. I was hoping for neither of us to feel like shit. That was the objective.
I can't figure out any better how to keep the emotions just on me and to make no confrontational, charged, personal statements any better than I do. Man, I've been trained in, and trained others, in this stuff, it's second nature most times. Unless the other person is out for a confrontation.
So, I finished my position, asked one more time if we could do this together, with a movie, did she want a pizza...? Whatever? Got shot down, said ok, let her know that anytime she changed her mind, if she did, she'd be welcome, and left the room.
I'm sitting here now, working on getting the heart for this back into me.
I've got to figure it out somehow, how to be okay with the aloneness at times like this...I've quite likely got many years ahead of me dealing with the same thing, it's easier to focus on finding that way to be okay in case, well, you know...and while I know well how to be alone, don't like it, but know it and am ok with it, finding the purpose in this is what I can't seem to figure out.
And here comes a wagging pup, she always knows. And now the other, while the first starts dropping her toys on my lap.
Good doggies.
Guess I'll get back to it now. The purpose of it will show itself someday.
Good morning :)
So...that post last night.
To clarify...
It's not a bad thing.
Like, I didn't lose my job, my house, I didn't get "in trouble" for anything.
I had a dream the other night, not one of those dreams, but a dream. I was moving down a road, not in a car but keeping pace with a car, an old road, along a field...again...and then a deceptively slow-moving river just beyond the short Alder type trees growing along the non shoulder of the road. The river was full, which gave it the appearance of slow movement...I love to sit and watch rivers in that rain swollen state...
Anyway.
Someone that I care about was driving the car I was beside, and a trailer was being towed. I found myself feeling a need to check the hitch, unobtrusively, as it was pulling hard to one side, and found that a sway bar had broken off and the chain was pulling hard to the other side. Now, I'm on foot and began trying to get up to the driver's window to let them know when suddenly it stopped. Whew, I thought. Good.
The driver got out, I pointed, they looked and said Got it, it'll be ok now...follow me. And across the road, through the trees and down the slope to the river they went, in a flash. My legs are much shorter, so I hustled, got to the side and scoped for a safe route down, holds to grab and anything to brace on if I started to slide... without going in. I know a calm looking river is never calm when full like that, and rarely ever to start with.
Looking down, I see no-one, but hear them give me directions for the path clearly. Didn't make visual sense but I knew that if they said it, it was ok, so I went.
Slip, slide, surf the muddy bank...and then stop.
Smiling face for a moment, hand grabbed, "c'mon...that was the easy part. Now it gets tricky...you good?"
I didn't answer, just walked forward to catch up.
I was pushing through brush, hearing the river critter rustles, eager and curious, not unafraid but not worried of what was next, at all, when I woke up.
And that. Is what I mean.
Got it?
Have a great day ~
=)
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Excision. Shambala 2013
Love Excision shows. He's coming to the Paramount in Seattle again in January, that'll be 3 times in a year...best time.
This is almost an hour and a half, and live it is incredible. Your heartbeat changes.
Anyway.
Feeling significantly better about my fucked state.
Heck.
I'm gonna smile about it...coz it's like that.
Smile...and thrash.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFd7MHcYW1o&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Well.
I'm fucked.
That pretty much sums it up.
And you ridiculous ass vampire-whatever blog bot...go ahead and "read" or.whatever the blazes it is you do, makes no difference to me.
I'm just grateful this space is here for me, my empty cavern to send my thoughts out into.
I wouldn't change a step of this journey as it's been, and whatever happens...
I'll take whatever comes.
And then go from there.
But for now...
Yeah.
I'm fucked.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Metric.
I'd forgotten how much I like Metric. We saw them last year at the Deck The Halls Ball. Especially this one. It's definitely a lighter song, but it fits the mood i slipped into.
Yes, it's from Eclipse. I've made no secret out of the fact that I think the first 3 soundtracks from the Twilight movies were fabulous for the Alternative music scene. Say what you want about the movies and books, coz it's more than true.
But the music is solid.
Yes, it's from Eclipse. I've made no secret out of the fact that I think the first 3 soundtracks from the Twilight movies were fabulous for the Alternative music scene. Say what you want about the movies and books, coz it's more than true.
But the music is solid.
Eclipse
All Yours
Working on that personal memo entry...and stuff
Well. Nuts.
I'm fighting off a cold. Mega doses of vitamin C, acai juice, blueberries, green tea. Not going down with this, no way. I hate being sick, I'm a terrible patient for myself. Just let me hide in a cave, firewalk, drink dragon's blood, whatever it's going to take. ;) Seriously, though. I'm not going to be sick. Nope.
And exercise. As long as it isn't strep, I try to blow the stuff out of me. It's just my own course of remedy for my own self. It works, for me.
I've been a part of a facebook group this year, 1000 miles in 2013. I lost ground in the summer with work, had planned several long hikes and climbs, but it just didn't happen. And that's okay. I enjoyed work.
Rabbit trail...
It's interesting, how we become accustomed and acclimated to situations. I noticed that a few posts from almost 2 years ago, during my first season at H&R, were clicked on, so I went in and read them. Oh, that sad night. I remember that one so well. I didn't check email for months after that, and when I did go back in (and had 4000 emails to weed through, bad idea) I found an apology. We'd already cleared things by that time, and I'm so glad that I didn't ever respond. It didn't need it, it didn't need my howling pain in response. That's just how I do things anymore. If it won't go away, I'll approach things in a calm and as objective a manner as possible, with all those wise tools that keep doors open and communication possible...no NEVERs, no ALWAYSs, no YOU DO, or YOU DON'T...
Anyway. That was a hard one to revisit.
What made me giggle a little is how terrified I was about that job. I went into the office a few nights ago to check out the new layout, complain about the fact that they will have us sitting down...they think...no way...and it's all just 2nd nature. Played with the new phone lines a little, said hello to my headset, checked the filing cabinets and new releases. If we're still in the area, I can't wait. First of January, back in. I look forward to the crush and rush, the opportunity to tame the chaos, or at very least ride it. The farm job was much the same, a little trepidation but before any of us knew it we were sporting big guns from major lifting, handling issues from several directions at once, making decisions and taking the bullets willingly if we gambled incorrectly.
Yeah, the house still suffered a bit. Yeah, daughter could've used me home a bit more. Yeah, in many respects the situation is so much easier with their father helping more to cover her needs financially. But overall, I made decisions regarding some stuff and made life more of everything for us. I remember that helpless and exhausted state, and I definitely did hit that a few times this summer, but overall...I may whimper about it here, but in the light of day and situation, I walk straight at it. I rarely flinch in life anymore. Only where my heart is involved. And there, I'm learning to open up, to be brave. There's no bravery in hiding.
Where was I? Oh yeah. The facebook group. I thought I'd lost all chance of even getting close, even with the pedometer, but being back in swing and doing the mileage math tonight, I find that I'm sitting at 862 ytd.
With only 36 days left in the year, it's not likely that I'll hit the 1k mark, but...if i can do my 5 mile easy loop at least 30 days, I just might. I don't go in for resolutions at New Year because for me that's just the wrong way to go about it all, but i was hoping to pull this one off.
I just finished a modified pilates torture session, solid weight workout, slugging the bag with arm weights and pumping the hand weights. I'd hate to lose the strength I gained at the farm, and I like the challenge...which makes it sound like i'm some buff tough whatever...but i'm not. It's not like that. The best part? The music. Like everything else, I get lost in it. I forget about the former relationship long over that just blew shit on me out of nowhere...seriously, I just don't get that. I forget about the upcoming holiday. I forget about the huge list of things I still need to get done(i'm getting there, i just can't do anymore tonight). I forget about many worries, my many silly things...feel my body move, focus on the motion, the beat, the flow, the burn, the beautiful ache, feeling muscles a little sore from a couple days ago and smile...yeah.
Early today was a Jeff Johnson, Loreena McKennit kind of day. A Harry Potter kind of day...and night, I've got the 6th movie in, always this time of year it's HP time. But earlier today was getting tires switched, harassing the high school again, running to the college, last shopping for Thanksgiving, setting other car care appts, making appt to get eyes checked (ugh...i'm thinking it's going to be big glasses time again), working on a project, cleaning...tonight has been kick back, research the things I remember for the religion post (i'd like to have it all come together in a concise way, and since it's been on my mind for awhile now i'm taking my time), work out, listen and move.
This playlist is emotional, in a different sense. Some is simply going for the power aspect, the pacing. Some of it is more than that. Some of it is just simply...because.
Got to keep some cards close. Just how it is.
So...Teri's workout playlist as it is right now. Most are not new to this blog, but you may as well experience my head noise tonight. I think it's wonderful.
In no particular order...
Perry Farrell
I'm fighting off a cold. Mega doses of vitamin C, acai juice, blueberries, green tea. Not going down with this, no way. I hate being sick, I'm a terrible patient for myself. Just let me hide in a cave, firewalk, drink dragon's blood, whatever it's going to take. ;) Seriously, though. I'm not going to be sick. Nope.
And exercise. As long as it isn't strep, I try to blow the stuff out of me. It's just my own course of remedy for my own self. It works, for me.
I've been a part of a facebook group this year, 1000 miles in 2013. I lost ground in the summer with work, had planned several long hikes and climbs, but it just didn't happen. And that's okay. I enjoyed work.
Rabbit trail...
It's interesting, how we become accustomed and acclimated to situations. I noticed that a few posts from almost 2 years ago, during my first season at H&R, were clicked on, so I went in and read them. Oh, that sad night. I remember that one so well. I didn't check email for months after that, and when I did go back in (and had 4000 emails to weed through, bad idea) I found an apology. We'd already cleared things by that time, and I'm so glad that I didn't ever respond. It didn't need it, it didn't need my howling pain in response. That's just how I do things anymore. If it won't go away, I'll approach things in a calm and as objective a manner as possible, with all those wise tools that keep doors open and communication possible...no NEVERs, no ALWAYSs, no YOU DO, or YOU DON'T...
Anyway. That was a hard one to revisit.
What made me giggle a little is how terrified I was about that job. I went into the office a few nights ago to check out the new layout, complain about the fact that they will have us sitting down...they think...no way...and it's all just 2nd nature. Played with the new phone lines a little, said hello to my headset, checked the filing cabinets and new releases. If we're still in the area, I can't wait. First of January, back in. I look forward to the crush and rush, the opportunity to tame the chaos, or at very least ride it. The farm job was much the same, a little trepidation but before any of us knew it we were sporting big guns from major lifting, handling issues from several directions at once, making decisions and taking the bullets willingly if we gambled incorrectly.
Yeah, the house still suffered a bit. Yeah, daughter could've used me home a bit more. Yeah, in many respects the situation is so much easier with their father helping more to cover her needs financially. But overall, I made decisions regarding some stuff and made life more of everything for us. I remember that helpless and exhausted state, and I definitely did hit that a few times this summer, but overall...I may whimper about it here, but in the light of day and situation, I walk straight at it. I rarely flinch in life anymore. Only where my heart is involved. And there, I'm learning to open up, to be brave. There's no bravery in hiding.
Where was I? Oh yeah. The facebook group. I thought I'd lost all chance of even getting close, even with the pedometer, but being back in swing and doing the mileage math tonight, I find that I'm sitting at 862 ytd.
With only 36 days left in the year, it's not likely that I'll hit the 1k mark, but...if i can do my 5 mile easy loop at least 30 days, I just might. I don't go in for resolutions at New Year because for me that's just the wrong way to go about it all, but i was hoping to pull this one off.
I just finished a modified pilates torture session, solid weight workout, slugging the bag with arm weights and pumping the hand weights. I'd hate to lose the strength I gained at the farm, and I like the challenge...which makes it sound like i'm some buff tough whatever...but i'm not. It's not like that. The best part? The music. Like everything else, I get lost in it. I forget about the former relationship long over that just blew shit on me out of nowhere...seriously, I just don't get that. I forget about the upcoming holiday. I forget about the huge list of things I still need to get done(i'm getting there, i just can't do anymore tonight). I forget about many worries, my many silly things...feel my body move, focus on the motion, the beat, the flow, the burn, the beautiful ache, feeling muscles a little sore from a couple days ago and smile...yeah.
Early today was a Jeff Johnson, Loreena McKennit kind of day. A Harry Potter kind of day...and night, I've got the 6th movie in, always this time of year it's HP time. But earlier today was getting tires switched, harassing the high school again, running to the college, last shopping for Thanksgiving, setting other car care appts, making appt to get eyes checked (ugh...i'm thinking it's going to be big glasses time again), working on a project, cleaning...tonight has been kick back, research the things I remember for the religion post (i'd like to have it all come together in a concise way, and since it's been on my mind for awhile now i'm taking my time), work out, listen and move.
This playlist is emotional, in a different sense. Some is simply going for the power aspect, the pacing. Some of it is more than that. Some of it is just simply...because.
Got to keep some cards close. Just how it is.
So...Teri's workout playlist as it is right now. Most are not new to this blog, but you may as well experience my head noise tonight. I think it's wonderful.
In no particular order...
Depeche Mode
In Chains
Metric
Gold Guns GIrls
Eminem
Lose Yourself
Deadmau5
No idea which one. It's on my ipod as untitled and I can't find it on youtube, without going through every single entry, which I just don't want to do right now...
but Sophie Needs A Ladder always works, so I'm plugging it in.
(hang in there through the whole first minute...after that he gets it going)
(hang in there through the whole first minute...after that he gets it going)
Kevin Rudolf
Let It Rock
Perry Farrell
Go All The Way
Thomas Dolby
Quantum Mechanic
(this song was pulled off of youtube, each time it was uploaded, for years. From The Gate To The Mind's Eye, it's been a favorite for a long, long time)
Britney Spears
(a small Britney Blitz is about to occur)
Unusual You
Toxic
Work Bitch
and then just because I like it and it's good for those dumb small muscle things...
Criminal
Linkin Park
Bleed It Out
Depeche Mode
I Want It All
(i actually listen to a dance remix of it, but I can't find that version on youtube)
GoldFrapp
Strict Machine
Weezer
Hashpipe
Faster Kill Pussycat
Brittany Murphy, Oakenfold
Depeche Mode
Never Let Me Down Again
After that, I started to slow down a little and then got into the sappier stuff. Because, I'm a girl, with a romantic's heart.
and that's just how it goes.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
What you can learn from touch, aka, what you can learn from naked people. :) Edit AGAIN, link added.
I was just sharing this same idea with someone, in the past 24 hrs, and then today I see this article. I've always known that it is true with animals, but people are often tight and closed.
I kinda love it when stuff like that happens. The cycles, circles and intersections through the different segments and sections of life.
Yes.
Everything that had ever happened to us, every experience, emotion, trauma, happiness, leaves traces in our bodies, much like vapor trails in the sky.
Everything that had ever happened to us, every experience, emotion, trauma, happiness, leaves traces in our bodies, much like vapor trails in the sky.
Close your eyes, breathe deep and clean from your belly, clear your mind and let the energies flow...
Friday, November 22, 2013
Muse. Follow Me. Video added, and more.
Sent to me by my very dear friend. I'm surprised to see that she listened to Muse, she's not a fan even though I've been pushing them on her for awhile. :) Now if I could just get her to try out some Depeche Mode...
Anyway, we've been each other's lifelines many times. And this wk as well. It's certainly not my favorite song of theirs to listen to, but the lyrics...
I appreciate this so much.
We were there for each other years ago, superficial friends who looked at each other one afternoon and knew that we were fighting the same demon right at that moment, in different ways.
From that hour on, we have been on-call for each other. And never missed the call.
Unconditional friendship. Acceptance of our strengths and weaknesses. Encouragement, chastisement, the light to shine on what needs seen when we can't do it for ourselves. No fear in sharing anything.
That's what she is in my life. She believes in me and all my oddness. We know our place, never usurping, never speaking ill of loved ones. It just never happens. Implicit trust in all things.
Of course, I sent it back.
When darkness falls
And surrounds you.
When you fall down,
When you're scared
And you're lost. Be brave,
I'm coming to hold you now.
When all your strength has gone
And you feel wrong,
Like your life has slipped away.
Follow me.
You can follow me
And i, i will not desert you now.
When your fire's died out,
No one's there,
They have left you for dead.
Follow me.
You can follow me.
I will keep you safe,
Follow me.
You can follow me,
I will protect you.
oh
I won't let them hurt, hurt you, no.
Ooh yeah.
When your heart is breaking.
You can follow me.
You can follow me.
I will always keep you safe,
Follow me,
You can trust in me.
I will always protect you, my love.
Feel my love
Thursday, November 21, 2013
If...
Please.
Do not EVER give me hope
if all you intend to do
is to walk away.
I do not need help
feeling the hopelessness of life and living...
I work each day to focus on hope.
On life.
On love.
I choose, each day, to live my life in such a way as to bring that hope,
friendship,
love,
strength,
belief in good things
to others...
and to myself.
I know, more than anyone else,
how incredibly broken I am.
You are.
I know,
more than you can ever imagine,
how hard I work to love,
to believe,
to hope,
in spite of it all...
I do not need for you to
be my glue.
That is nobody's job but my own.
Only...
Please.
Do not EVER give me hope
if all you intend to do
is to walk away.
another version...of what love is.
Truly, love is not only seeing the good in someone. That's part of it, of course...but it's so much more. It's seeing them at their worst, their ugliest, their most foul and vile...because we all are...and loving that as well. Hopefully we don't live in those places of negatives.
It takes someone who truly loves us to know that. To see outside of that. To see our struggles, to know that those things aren't the US that is in us, to believe in our best and to help us bring that out.
Tonight...
I've had a terribly hard day for me.
And right now, I'll be honest, I'm fucking drunk.
3 full shots of whiskey, thrown straight and hard, which is how I do it...
But these words are not drunk words.
These words are wrung from my heart.
From my lessons learned.
From what I have always believed to be true.
Love is, as it says, patient.
Kind.
DELIBERATE.
Love is, indeed, hard.
It IS pain.
Sacrifice.
But it is done from a different place inside of us.
It comes from the noblest of all spots...
our hearts.
Not ignored by our heads,
because that is where the choice is made to let the heart do as it desires.
Truly, love is both the head and heart.
Real love, that is.
I choose to love.
And then I let myself love.
That...right there.
Is what love should be.
When I choose to love you...when I LET myself love you...
There is nothing that will change that.
Nothing.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Florence and The Machine...No light, No light
Florence and The Machine
No Light, No Light
You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
You are the night-time fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over your start
You're my head, you're my heart
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
(No light)
Tell me what you want me to say
Through the crowded islands crying out at me
In your place there were a thousand other faces
I was disappearing in plain sight
Heaven help me I need to make it right
You want a revelation
You want to get it right
And it's a conversation
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You are the revelation
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to, to make you stay
No light, no light
(No light)
Tell me what you want me to say
But would you leave me
If I told you what I've done
And would you leave me
If I told you what I've become
'Cause it's so easy
To sing it to a crowd
But it's so hard, my love
To say it to you, all alone
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
Tell me what you want me to say
You want a revelation
You want to get it right
But, it's a conversation
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation
You want a revelation
You want to get it right
But, it's a conversation
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
Tell me what you want me to say
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
You are the night-time fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over your start
You're my head, you're my heart
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
(No light)
Tell me what you want me to say
Through the crowded islands crying out at me
In your place there were a thousand other faces
I was disappearing in plain sight
Heaven help me I need to make it right
You want a revelation
You want to get it right
And it's a conversation
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You are the revelation
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to, to make you stay
No light, no light
(No light)
Tell me what you want me to say
But would you leave me
If I told you what I've done
And would you leave me
If I told you what I've become
'Cause it's so easy
To sing it to a crowd
But it's so hard, my love
To say it to you, all alone
No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can choose what stays and what fades away
And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
Tell me what you want me to say
You want a revelation
You want to get it right
But, it's a conversation
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation
You want a revelation
You want to get it right
But, it's a conversation
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
Tell me what you want me to say
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