New Year's Eve

Tonight is New Year's Eve. The last night of 2011. Actually, right now, it's the last 57 minutes of 2011.
This past year literally flew by for me.
I know that many people say that about every year, but I don't. In my life, they don't. Not usually, at any rate. Not for a long, long while.
For so many years, the time just crawled for me. Some months seemed to last years in and of themselves. The only times that ever seemed to move too quickly were the summer months, but even those were in no hurry to move along. I felt very much like the description of a person stuck inside a time warp.
Some people that I have told this to, in the past, claimed to be envious and tried to convince me of my great fortune. They just did NOT understand.
I was drowning. Drowning in a vast, never-ending sea of non-accomplishment, never moving forward, never reaching goals, never being able to set goals that reached beyond the day. It was pure terrorizing torture for me.
For people who have never lived in such a state, and yearned for progress and achievement, they simply will never be able to grasp why a seemingly calm and even-keeled life could ever be described as "terrorizing torture". They will jump to the conclusion that I am too far-reaching, lacking in contentment, living in a state of want. I know this, because they always did.
But i don't.
I'm happy with very few "things". I appreciate them, I'm not anti-thing, I don't preach the non-possession mantra...I just don't find them to fill me the way I need. It's just not about stuff.
I wanted to learn. To experience. To see and do. To go to museums and read every single placard (oh, i know...but i love it...don't go to a museum with me. Or just be prepared to occupy yourself somehow. I won't make you read them or look at anything with me, just let me do what i want and nobody will get hurt, lol~!).
I wanted to walk for miles through the woods, up the mountains, on the beach...
Drive and drive and drive until I got to some new place that was just itching to be explored...by me.
To spend time listening to people and getting to really know THEM. To see how the look in their eye would change as they talked about a subject, to watch their body language, to hear their voices explain a joy, or a sadness...
But I wasn't allowed to do any of those things.
Stay home. Isolated. Clean the house, for hours and hours and hours.
Yeah...time dragged.
When everything began to tear to pieces, time still moved terribly slowly, but it was so painful that no amount of activity could make it go quickly enough. There just wasn't a fast way through it. And I knew at the time that the pace was necessary, even though I just really really really wanted it gone. It was truly better to go through the experience at the time as much as possible in order to avoid needing to revisit it later.
So...bring in 2011...
Busy, busy year. Full of many goals. Not resolutions, I don't do those. Silliness, in my opinion. I just felt, deep inside, that this past year was for movement, for running and breathing and shouting in the wind. To throw fear out the window and walk on paths not yet made.
I've done my best to do all of those things.
I've met amazing people this year.
I've tasted foods that I would never have gone near before.
I have faced dogmas and rote stereotypes and challenged them brutally. As a result, I've thrown most of them out the window as nothing more than a reaction of fear to a complete unknown.
I lost my religion, but have been regaining spirituality.
I've taught myself, when in a situation that I am uncertain of, to quickly sum up the fatality risk and if it is within the acceptable range, to quicky breathe 3 times and then jump. "20 Seconds of Insane Courage". :) Not insanity...I have not lost my reason or rational thought. I've lost my fear, in large part. Or at least, the fear of fear.
So, 2011 has flown.
I try to take stock of self and accomplishment, progress and need, as time moves along so that there isn't the long process of retrospect and analysis after the fact. So, I do not sit in reflection for much more than a bit on New Year's Eve.
Heading into 2012, which hits here in 17 minutes, I am excited. A slight feeling of apprehension, but that's part of the 3 quick breathes and then jump type. All that I can do is to keep moving forward. I will not ever go back to being stuck. Maybe someday the physical self will be limited, but I refuse to allow my mind, for as long as I have command of it, to be held back.
What will 2012 bring? What's in store? I don't know. I don't put expectations on the time and the people around me in that way. I don't want to miss the beautiful things that may happen because they don't look like the expectations that I envisioned. That is blind foolishness.
Life is going to be full of many adventures. Not all are going to be great, or even good, I know that. There will be challenges that I will wish were not happening. There will be stresses and worries that will try me and that will take me to tears while I fight them out in my heart and head. I know this. That's just life.
But I know that it will bring me beauty and joy and excitement. I hope that it will find a direction for me to move more confidently and boldly into jobwise. I know that it will NOT be boring, not in the least.
I look forward to waking in the morning and feeling happy...I plan on losing that dreaded "swimming back up into the day" feeling that still rides into the wakeful state with me. I look forward to staying up too late, to loving too strongly, to playing too hard and working too much.
I look forward to living.
Every day when I walk I open my arms wide to the world and universe and envision my heart opening to the same...I symbolically releases my fears and the expectations I find myself hiding behind and clinging to. Sometimes this hurts, like I've mentioned in other posts, and I do cry. I feel that pain in my very center, but I know it will heal as the release occurs. I know this sounds all "woo hoo" and crap, but it isn't. I'm not an earth momma, or a spook or anything. I want to be open to all the good that life may show to me and I may miss something amazing if I am holding too tightly to other things.
So, hello, 2012. I welcome you. You already know my dreams and desires, and I know that I will not be able to predict what will come.
I'm here. Whatever you bring to me, i will be there.
(btw...i have no concerns about that ridiculous mayan calendar thing...but even if it is true, nothing I can do about it, right?)
HAPPY NEW YEAR ~
(posting as is, edit later if i choose to...5.5 minutes to the year)

Much better

warning...this is a disgruntled post...language may fly ~ pass on by at will

K
Really?
Wow...
you know, i try SO DAMN HARD to keep an even keel and not let shit get to me, coz you know what? It's just shit and it's gonna be gone, so it's not worth getting worked up over in the big picture...
but tonight, i have frickin had it.
Just DONE
WTH~?
Tonight, I am NOT okay with hanging around, with waiting and seeing, with all the surfing analogy shits that I always try to hang on to and use for perspective.
Tonight I am breaking the damn surfboard over the head of the effing shark and telling it to go fuck itself.
Wait and see? Poke your GD eyes out, idiot.
Hanging around? Sure, dude...give me the fricken rope and let me help you with that fricken noose.
Perspective? Screw it.
Time for something, ANYthing, to see this sucking crap MY WAY.
Damn
Done
Tired
and spinning my wheels.
Freaking SUCKS
so pissed.
and you know what????
If nobody comes in here and reads this, which they won't, because nobody ever does, so it's my own personal journal and I can write what i need to, THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THAT THIS IS HOW I AM FEELING TONIGHT.
E.V.E.R.
I am just THAT good.
...
wanna punch something...
and then cry
So annoyed, can't even think of a song...or find one. THAT'S seriously in the shit zone.
If you are reading this, suggest one for me.

i told ya it was gonna happen!

Playlist got added to. :)
Love my music.
Helps me work when I'm doing essays, uploading sales, placing orders, managing lists, besides the dancing and oh-so-hated-housework...AND the training for the half marathon in 3 weeks.
So, ready?
The previous playlist is close to being intact, although some were removed for not quite fitting in the groove. Hanson is out, Buble is on his other list, Temper Trap moved...tempo didn't flow for the training, had to be changed. I still like the songs. Hey, it was a tough love call, lol!
But added in are the following(again, no order, it runs on shuffle and I'm pulling from Youtube while they are playing):

ZZ Top

Tube Snake Boogie

what? I don't have to explain ANYTHING

I am pretty sure I've got this song on the blog somewhere...maybe on the last playlist! Anyway, it's worth putting up again.

From the Bright Lights/Big City soundtrack

M/A/R/R/S

Pump Up The Volume

(cannot even begin to tell you how this song makes me feel)

Kind of an odd vid, but it's got fun retro junk in it

:)

Another soundtrack add...From Teenage Drama Queen

Fan 3 (little freakin' white girl)

BOOM

(i like it in the car, i like in my room)

Hmmmm...

this one snuck in here, but it'll stay

It works with the stride I use

and I really like the damn thing

Kelly Clarkson

Mr Know It All

mmmhmmm

I don't care what anybody says about her,

Clarkson is a survivor...

so she's got my vote.

Next:

Rihanna

Where Have You Been

(it's the official vid but dang...it bugs me, that picture. I think she's a beautiful woman and this is just freakish in a zombie type way)

 I just want to be in a club when this song is on

the lights

the bass

the people

"i've been everywhere, yeah"

Did I mention before how much I love MCR???

My Chemical Romance

Planetary (GO)

from the Danger Days cd

(this is a live performance from The House Of Blues...Gerard has his red hair...i got used to it. As long as he isn't blonde he absolutely stops me from breathing for the first few moments...jeez)

:)

Jessie J

Who's Laughing Now

(i'm sayin' this chick, she sounds exactly the same live and acoustic)

and I LOOOOVEEEEE the woman's shoes, damn!

LOL! AfroJack, feat. Eva Simons
Take Over Control
I offer no apologies or explanations for this one
...coz I have none...
:)
(my playlist version is a dance club mix, but the basics are the same...just mine is waaaaaay more fun)

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

sorry

K.

I am kinda feeling jipped that I am just getting into this band.

They've been around for awhile and they are perfectly perfectly

me

A fb friend shared.

Little did he know ~

Rival for MCR in that spot in my heart

(i know, right???)

The Arctic Monkeys

Teddy Picker

(this is good good good stuff!!!!!)

oh yeah

Ahem

So, saw these next guys in concert this past month. Dang good show. One of those bands that plays just as good live, actually better because the energy is off the hook.

They are coming back to Seattle in the next few months, we are soooo going. Get a full set instead of the shortened 40 minute thing because it was part of huge multi-band.

Foster the People

Helena Beat

(yes, this has been on the blog before. Some say it's about suicide, I think it's about withdraw and recovery)

To be honest, their songs are a bit out there...some range right up in the anthem of an anti kind of thing. But I'm aware and I don't subscribe so it doesn't bother me.

Old one here.

Damn sexy song.

One of the best, in my opinion.

Funny thing is, Dave Stewart(eurythmics), who co-wrote, says that the guitar line is nothing more than simple beginner's exercises.

Then add in the sax, played by the amazing Candy Dulfer and

WOW

Lily Was Here...Candy Dulfer

...just sayin'...

So, sort of a shock to my system, going into the next song.

Another Foster the People

Don't Stop (Color On the Walls)

this one may not stay on this particular list, but I like it at the moment.

It just has a different flavor to it

It's a fun video, has some "names" in it, you'll likely recognize them

Oh WOW...the other Arctic Monkey on this list for now...need some more but these are what I have at the moment

From The Ritz To The Rubble

LOVE THE GUITARS AND DRUMS

gee wiz

hmmm...this song is a repeat from the other lists...so while it's playing I'm going to keep working on the actual jobs that I'm doing in between this...

yes, people.

I work.

lol

(btw...it's Linkin Park, In Pieces)

Oh, good. I'm in the middle of uploading sales items and this is another repeat. Another Linkin Park, Burning in the Skies

brb

Ha! Got alot accomplished there.

Jessie J, again

Domino

...not sure on this one either, but the stride ratio is correct and the song is fun...

man, I think she sounds like Katy Perry in this song

except that she can sing LIVE, lol

another repeat, Linkin Park

When They Come For Me

I love the rap in this, so posting the lyrics

(warning...language...pass it on by if you don't want it. You get to take responsibility for yourself here)

I am not / a pattern to be followed

The pill that I'm on is a tough one to swallow

I'm not a criminal / not a role model

Not a born leader I'm a tough act to follow

I am not / the fortune and the fame

Nor a sane person telling you to forfeit the game

I came in the ring like a dog on a chain

And I found out the underbelly's sicker than it seems

And it seems ugly / but it can get worse

'Cause even a blueprint is a gift and a curse

'Cause once you got a theory of how the thing works

Everybody wants the next thing to be just like the first

And I'm not a robot

I'm not a monkey

I will not dance even if the beat's funky

Opposite of lazy / far from a punk

Ya'll ought to stop talking

start trying to catch up motherfucker

And all the people say
Lauryn said money change a situation

Big said it increase the complication

Kane said don't step / I ain't the one

Chuck said you're losing your motherfucking time

And I'm just a student of the game that they taught me

Rockin' every stage in every place that they brought me

I'm awfully underrated / but came here to correct it

And so it ain't mistaken I'ma state that for the record

/I am / the opposite of whack / opposite of weak

Opposite of slack / 

synonym of heat

Synonym of crack /

closest to a peak

Far from a punk

Ya'll ought to stop talking / start trying to catch up motherfucker

And all the people say
Oh when they come for me

Come for me

I'll be gone

Hmmm...alot of repeats, which I knew, but they were all in a row. No matter, I got a bunch of stuff done, lol!

New on this list now, but an old favorite

Perry Farrell

Go All The Way (into the Twilight)

YES, it's from the movie

this is actually the song that is playing at the prom in the first movie. Song was around before, though, I remember hearing it.

I LIKE it :)

no...this is NOT the official video...if you want to check that out, feel free, it's pretty raunchy tho.

Another new one, but not new to the blog. In fact, I think I posted it a day ago, lol.

Morgan Page, feat Angela McCluskey

In the Air

Lyrics below

and this is the vid that I like, not the official

I'm feeling it, I'm feeling a change
I'm feeling it, I'm feeling a change
In the air

To look the other way to get what you want
Throw out your troubles to find your song
Cause there's a change, a change in the air
In the air, in the air
Just one more minute here with you
All I give to have this come true
Can you feel it too
Can you feel this heart beating in time
Wishing it was your's but it's gotta be mine
Couldn't believe everything I feel
You walked in you saw me just there

Don't close that door, don't walk away
Don't shut your eyes, you can hear me say
I love you now more than everyday
It's ok

Give every bit to have you here
Give every moment to see your tear
Give everything I got from now til my last breath

Besides all the obvious (the beat, the vocals, the melody/harmony flow, the layers of sound), this song helps me remember that

soooo many of us are all in the same place.

So, why is it so difficult for people to connect?

Yeah.

Moving on

OLD OLD OLD song, been on almost every playlist I've ever had

Londonbeat

I've been thinking about You ~

This song has also been on the blog, in the past year.

Funny story.

Still love the song.

Always have

Frankie Goes To Hollywood

RELAX

Nirvana...Smells Like Teen Spirit

I have a live version, not sure what one i'll find when i look for the vid

I have heard that Miley Cyrus has done a cover of it...what idiot authorized that? Shoot them ~

omg

anyway ~

Another rocking woman

P!NK

Trouble

White Tie Affair

You Look Better When I'm Drunk

giggle

K. That's it. The old ones as well and these added in.

I got so much online work done while putting this on here!

YAY

Enjoy your day, make it amazing. It IS up to you ~

The Pretty Reckless ~ Nothing Left To Lose

Just keeping it all real for myself

Keeping it all "let go"

..whatever...

makes sense to me

(lyrics on screen)

A new favorite at the moment...

Okay...
so it's no secret that I l♥ve dance music. :)
I first heard this one on Thanksgiving Day. I like the pretty bells, first off...well, heck. I am a girl, after all.
And then, I can dance to it.
AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF...
wait for it...
I can sing to it. :)
So many of these songs are in a key that is just too high for me and I have to work it down and while I will, I don't want to always. I just want to sing it at the top of my lungs and break it and dance my ass off, right out of the gate.
So, this one fits all the criteria and I'm loving it right now.
This vid is NOT the original, but it's really, really well done and I like it much better.
So...Enjoy

Morgan Page...In The Air



rambles and thoughts on this day...or night

My mind is full of a hodge podge of things tonight. Actually, this is nothing new...I seem to jump from one subject to the next seamlessly all the time. It makes sense to me and I can track it for someone if they want to jump along for the ride, but I usually just keep it to myself. Sometimes it's a little wierd in my head, even for me. LOL. :)
That's okay though. I'm pretty used to myself most of the time.
SO many thoughts right now. Life is never boring, although it can become tedious. But even tedium has it's energy level...it's just, well, tedious.
We had Christmas a day ago. I remember just a few years ago this was serious big time stuff in our home. Christmas prep started early. My former spouse had me finish all shopping as early in November as possible, and then the rest of the time was spent decorating, building up in this crazy crescendo of anticipation and expectation. So much baking, so many projects started and completed, massive Martha Stewart-esque things. Every aspect of the farm was decorated, the barn and even the chicken coop. The deck banisters and railings were all decked out in fresh cedar garlands made from our own trees and wrapped with lights, trees outside lit up, etc etc etc.
I can't even begin to connect with that anymore.
It was more than just a lifetime ago...it was a totally different person. One that didn't enjoy the process, who questioned the purpose of it all even then, but did it because it was expected. I had a profile to live up to, for God's sake...don't let it look like I couldn't make it happen as well as any other wife and mother. Heck yeah, I could. It wasn't hard at all, for cryin' out loud. It took time and creativity because I was expected to make it happen on next to nothing.
Sigh.
What a freaking waste of time and energy.
All it ever did was build up to that crescendo which then dropped to the final bar of composition and just ended. No magic. No lasting good feelings. Nothing except the long, empty process of dismantling everything that had consumed the previous 6 weeks.
I hated it.
If I was looking for the true meaning of Christmas, that sure wasn't it. It was just all show and empty displays for the neighbors.
But the real kicker was that when the marriage was ending, it was thrown in my face as an example of my insatiable desire for more than anyone could provide. WTH? I didn't want any of that. I didn't enjoy a moment of it. It never filled me with anything other than the constant anxiety of "did I do it well enough?" and "is that how he wants it to look?", "is this going to make him believe that I'm worth his time?".
Screw that.
Mad. That's what I was when that bs started to get flung at me.
Anyway...
So now, things are different.
I know that they must seem empty to so many people. But the goal has been to learn to discover what it is that is true to myself. I don't claim to have any great knowledge or awareness, but I do have a sense of correctness that I try to align what I do with. That guide that I tune actions and choices to pull into measure with. It's not perfect or anything remotely close, but it's a start and it's better than nothing.
My younger daughter and I went to a large multi-band concert early in the month as our gift to each other. It was amazing. Her first BIG concert and my first trip back to the site of my old head-banging days. We saw Grouplove, Young the Giant, 2 Door Cinema Club, Cage the Elephant, Mumford and Sons, Foster the People, and Death Cab for Cutie at the Key Arena, formerly known as the Seattle Coliseum. It was the best.

Felt so weird to not be running amuck shopping for the rest of the month. I mean, there were gifts still, a few little things from each other to each other, and we shopped for my older girl and her boyfriend. But that's it. And that I didn't do until the 23rd. Didn't really realize how close Christmas was. We decorated about 4 days before the day...but in fairness, we have our tree up year round. Not as a Christmas tree, but as a season/event tree. We put summer flowers, spring whatevers, autumn leaves, etc. on it.

So Christmas day came and I enjoyed hearing people's memories of days on Fb. I baked the night before, little bits of stuff. Older daughter was here, doing her hair and such. Got slightly snockered on bourbon balls, watched movies with younger daughter. Quiet, relaxed. I missed something, but it wasn't important. I guess.

Next morning I got up later than usual, about 8:30 and puttered around. No big. Put parts of the dinner on (we were having a persian dish that we used to eat alot of, Gormeh Sabszi), danced lots, took a shower, went to the store. Daughter woke up and we opened our few gifts, played with the dogs lots. Older daughter and bf got here, had a couple drinks, ate dinner, snoozed on couch like a bunch of piled puppies, watched a movie, opened the other gifts, ate some more, watched more movies. It was nice. It was one of the best.

Went to a late night movie with younger.

Their dad did good. He only knows to throw money at things to make it better, so he did. That's okay with me where they are concerned, because I can't. Money is so freaking tight it's not funny, but I try hard to not ever make it an issue. We just don't have so we figure out ways to work around it. But he was able to put that money of his to good use and help them out. I give him credit. It may be all he knows, but he's still damn tight with it. I think that because it is of so much importance to him, he feels that it's all that people want from him. That's my quick analysis answer. I have a much more in-depth one, but our lives are only connected through our daughters anymore, I don't have to care what his motivations or thoughts are. Whew.

But...it's still odd. I feel so removed this year.

I have other things on my mind and in my heart.

And those things are the ones that are causing me some issues tonight. But I had to get this other out of the way first.

And that's what this blog is about.

Just dumping info, sharing the odd thoughts, etc.

Now I've dumped enough that I am sleepy. Sleep actually sounds good right now.

So, good night. Publishing as is, will edit later.

Charlie Brown Tree

I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.
-Linus



 

 

sigh

Being a parent, especially a single one, isn't ever easy. To be honest, it's easier now than it was before, because I am able to let my younger daughter learn in the way that she needs to without the constant conflict. Her father is very much in the corner of "dictate and have obedience", and I can understand that. It's definitely safer emotionally for a parent if you are able to raise a child who will follow and submit to this theory. I, to a great extent, did, but then it was just my mom and I for almost my entire life at home, so I was allowed alot of the freedoms that I would have been going crazy for otherwise.
I think that it makes much more sense to guide rather than dictate. I know this doesn't always work well, in fact it is at times a complete fail. However, I think that the time that a child is at home is when they need to be working those wings and getting to know what they are, how they work, what they CAN do and what they CAN'T, while a family and a nest and a net are not on stand-by, but in solid practice.
That's just a brief overview...
my girl just ended a 6 month relationship with a young man(she is almost 15, btw). He's a good guy, good family...i like him alot. She isn't the easiest person to be with, but she learned alot while she was with him. I think that overall it's been a very good thing for both of them. They have had their ups and downs and trials and backfires and misfires...
But it's over. It needs to be.
She's tough, my little lion. She has good friends and she has been struggling to do this for quite some time now. It's sort of her dad's situation...not happy but not wanting to leave really, but then wanting to leave and then changing their mind in case they were wrong. If it happens so often, if the doubt is there so much and doesn't really ever ebb, it's time. Maybe it's the relationship, maybe it's just you. But the person you're with, if you're the one with the doubts, deserves to have someone who is there more than not. They will be hurt and confused, but man...they will heal. Trust me. I'm that person. Not the leaver.
So, I found some sayings while I was looking for something to post to her, but I'm going to just hold on to them for now. One, though, I wanted to post here:

My baby girl...
You have so many more adventures ahead of you, both good and bad...hell, wonderful and tragic. But what they all give you, the impressions that you keep, are what will be the fabric of you when you are done with this life.
Don't be afraid. Get out there and give it all a whirl.

This is funny to me...don't look if you don't like language...u have been warned, lol

This came across my fb wall from a page that i follow. I can't share it there because i have a wide variety of connections and many would find it highly offensive. Too bad, really. Anyway, here is a thought that i have several times a day:



December

Doesn't really mean anything...
the song is one of those perfect blends of layered textures. That's what it takes for a true classic. This will be around for a very long time.
The end of a relationship, doesn't need to be a love thing. Any relationship would apply here, if it were to end badly.
I prefer this vid to the "official", it's a very well done lyric by a fan.

Collective Soul ~ December.

...

:/

that's all.

says everything.

going to go for a long, long fast drive now.

be back by morning~

have a good night

Christmas update

Things are looking up.

I still haven't decorated yet, but I've taken care of alot of things that were in the way. Since my hours at work have been cut so drastically, I ended up with a 4 day weekend. It is nice to be able to just get into the grind and get caught up on stuff that's been sliding for a couple of months.

Got some tickets for a Nutcracker performance by a local ballet company...daughter has a friend, her best friend, over today/tonight and we saw a movie. Planning on driving her down to Oregon to stay with some friends for a couple of days during the break.

She seems happier.

So, that's all good.

Just wanted to let you know.

This is her favorite Christmas song right now:

edits

Hmmm...alot of editing going on...wish there was a way that people could know...

Nothing is static in life. Nothing that matters, at any rate. It's all fluid, it all changes. Perspectives, experiences, dreams/hopes/goals. Sometimes they evolve over time and sometimes it happens in many cycles over a day. :)

But nothing is set in stone, except for the following:

People will be born.

People will die.

People will love, will hurt.

People will learn. I know that one could be up for debate in alot of circumstances, but I do know that people learn. WHAT they learn I'm not touching, but it's learning, lol.

So...recent edits...

Melancholy Night, baby
Yeah, it was yours, but...

I think that's all.

Change is important. It's equally important to be aware of the changes that happen to the people in your life, to be open to it happening. It needs to happen. Don't waste time or energy being afraid of it. Just let it be. Things...get good again, if change brings sadness.

Really.

I am more ME now than I have been for many years and I love it. I feel true to myself, that I'm not hiding behind a mask or putting a false face to anyone. I don't just put it all out there, although it may seem like it. There's plenty that doesn't see light where it can be watched. I'm not transparent. Just true. Now, no matter how hard things get, or how sad the low days are, I feel a strength that was missing from me.

There. Maybe "edits" will be on the edit page soon. But, in particular, the changes to "It was yours", those are important. They are now TRUE.

Christmas

Wow.
It's almost Christmas.
Let's see...technically, today is the 14th, so that gives me 11 days.
Up to this very moment, I have not decorated anything.
I have not purchased anything.
I have not made anything.

As of this moment, taking stock of this situation, I feel like crap.

I hate to admit it, but I know that a part of it relates to not having anyone to do anything with on the holidays, no place to go and no money to do anything with. Now, don't get me wrong on that money comment. I am not a money whiner.
I hate the stuff.
Because we have to have it.

I don't rely on it for fun. I have to work so freakin' hard to make any that I try to not spend any at all if I can help it. There are things that are up for grabs in the money department...2 to be exact. Gas for the car (have to drive and love to drive...i can always drive to places that are free, lol) and movies. Not in excess, to me. Maybe 2 a month. Except for this month. There are 3 movies coming out that we are seeing.

But I worry about Emma. I know she's older, she's almost 15 now. But she doesn't like Christmas anymore.

That kinda breaks my heart.

It doesn't have anything to do with the money really...i don't think. We don't buy stuff. We go shopping alot, but it's window shopping. We go to Sephora and play with the makeup, try on anything we want to at any of the clothes stores(you ever tried on a pair of 350.00 jeans from Nordstrom? Don't waste your time. They wouldn't fit a paper doll well), etc. When we need to get clothes for real we do the thrift stores because it's like going through the closet trunk and finding treasures. Anyway...
it's not the money.

I think it might be like it was for me when i was a kid.
Just being lonely.
We don't know any other families that are alone during holidays. It's the 3 of us, usually; me, Shauna and Emma. And we have a good time. But there is this yearning for a party or get together's with friends. I know what just popped into your head, "Well, then, plan the stuff". Oh, trust me, I do. Everybody is booked. Always.
I've even invited people that I didn't even know the names of a few times. We do cookie plates and such and take them around the neighborhood.
Point is, we do try.
So it just dawns on me that Christmas is in 11 days.

I'd better get my ass in gear and figure out how to make this happen.
I can't let my girls hate Christmas.

oh...sigh.