Snow Patrol - What if This Storm Ends?

Beautiful Song...Lyrics Below

Snow Patrol

"What If This Storm Ends"

set to scenes from BBC's

North and South

What if the storm ends and I don't see you
As you are now ever again?
The perfect halo of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against the planet's last dance

Just for a minute the silver-forked sky
Lifts you up like a star that I will follow
But now it's found us like I have a found you
I don't wanna run, just overwhelm me
What if the storm ends? At least that's nothing
Except the memory, a distant echo I won't pin down
I've walked unsettled rattle cage after cage
Until my blood boils

I wanna see you as you are now
Every single day that I am living
Painted in flames, a peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me that strikes relentless

What if the storm ends and I don't see you
As you are now ever again?
The perfect halo of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against the planet's last dance

Just for a minute the silver-forked sky
Lifts you up like a star that I will follow
But now it's found us like I have a found you
I don't wanna run, just overwhelm me

yay

Haven't really posted anything for a bit.
Getting used to the new job has definitely been a challenge for me. The work itself isn't hard, taken in bite size pieces and being allowed to chew...
but that hasn't been how it's gone down.
It's already peak season for taxes and stuff is flying fast and furious. I had 2 training sessions, one block after hours to get the lay of the land(which changed)and another during a quiet time of open hours. There were several things that couldn't be duplicated, but talked about only and then making some attempts at visualization. Btw, that's a bit fruitless when you have no idea what it is you are visualizing!
At any rate, it's been pretty stressful for me. I've made mistakes and felt completely over my head, one thing I hate doing and one place that I hate being!
After last Friday, which was awful, I was sure that there was no way that I could do this job. I wasn't going to give up, but I couldn't say whether or not they were going to give up on me.
So...after a bad night's sleep, worrying about going in again, I went to work yesterday(Sunday). Got there a bit early to get into the groove before my shift actually started, which was a moot point as they had been letting people in for an hour already. Sigh, I thought. Here I go again.
At some point during the day, we were crunched again. Several people coming in the door, multiple phone lines ringing, payments needing made, preparer's with questions hovering around...and I managed it. I didn't blow the terminal up, lose a payment, drop a phone call, annoy a client in front of me or irritate a preparer.
W.O.W.
Yeah, so...that's my big news.
Oh, and that I've picked up another 4 hours a week through Feb. :) I need it! YAY!
That's all.

taking u with me

(Daniel Tashian)
Well you're hot and your cold
not always easy to hold
and your hard to impress
sounds funny but you might be the best
friend that I have
cause whenever you're gone and Im left all alone
well the world seems worse
though I didn't really like you at first
I was wrong about that

(Chorus-Both)
Cause wherever I go
I'm taking you with me
Wherever I go,
You're coming along
Cause you're in my blood
Capturing my soul now
Yeah you're in my heart
And thats where you belong

(Mindy Smith)
Well you talk too much
and you act so tough,
but I can see right through
I don't really feel sorry for you
You're one of a kind
You got me thinkin' bout all kinds of colors
and your winsome smile
can I stay with you for a while
you won't like the sunshine

(Chorus-Both)
So wherever I go,
Im taking you with me
Wherever I go,
You're common' along
Cause you're in my blood
capturing my soul now
Yeah you're in my heart
and that's where you belong

(Daniel Tashian)
God bless you're a mess and I'm the first to confess
You clean up alright
Never thought you'd be a sight for sore eyes
But everyone can be wrong
(Both)
And if you ever leave I would surely be sad
I wouldn't know what to do
I would drink an ocean for you
Probably already have

(Chorus-Both)
So wherever I go
I'm taking you with me
Wherever I go
Your'e coming along
Cause you're in my blood
capturing my soul now
Yeah you're in my heart
and that's where you belong

a little bit...

Hands down Im too proud for love
but with eyes shut its you im thinkinq of
but how we move from A to B it cant be up to me
cuz you dont know who i was before you
and basically to see a change in me i'd be losinq
so i just iqnore you yeah ooooh
but your on my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind oohhh
and maybe in time,in time, in time i'll tell you ima

chorus
a litle bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you
i guess that Ima little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you!

i know you told me break their hearts
but its you i wanna take apart
and i would never ever be the first to say it
but still i they know i-i,i,i

I would do it
push a button
pull a triqqer
climb a mountain
jump off a cliff cuz your my baby
i love you- love you just a little bit

I would do it
you would say it
you would mean it
we could do it
it was you and I, not only I,I

chorus
i think ima a little bit- little bit
a little bit in love with you
but only if you're a little bit- little bit
a little bit in la la la la love with me!

I hope they never find out
what they already know,know,know
as soon as its official we'll have to let it go,go,go
so we dont confirm the flinq
keep avoidinq all the questions
yu can teach me many things
im just scared to learn a lesson

Rap-
the pressures on both hearts beat like a metronome
both in sync like a justin song feels so right but its just soo wronq
i wonda what my world bout when niqqas that i know tryna take my qirl out
and her friends say i aint the one to go for
she just jeaouls cuz you always get approached more
oh well tell her fall back
caught up in some more shit tell her call back
tell her get a man that aint cheatinq on her ass with a girl that i know
yeah tell her all that- that
and as for you i think i know your the one
the closest ive come im privately a..

chorus
a little bit-a little bit- a little bit in love with you
i guess that im a little bit- a little bit
a little bit in love with you.

a favorite scene

I'm all about having your hunches play out, following instinct and gut feelings ~
So when I see parts of movies, or hear songs, read spots in books, whatever, that deal with success in those areas, they stick with me.
Here's a scene from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade that exhibits that quite perfectly to me. :)
Short clip...
Enjoy ~

just another day in the life ~

Aren't they all?


Today I don't feel any pain at all from the half-marathon on Saturday. :) I also slept well for a couple of nights, totally odd for me.


Yes, I was blue the past couple of days. I am feeling more together now. It's not that the issue has left or the feelings are diminished, I'm just in a better place to deal with them. That's where I'm used to living, in a place that can acknowledge these things but put them aside and let them lie as they are...since I can't do anything about them.


The snow started coming down again during the night, but not in the amounts that I was hoping for. Yes, I want a BUNCH. While I was at work today it continued to snow steadily, at times quite hard. By the time I left to come home it had piled 6" on the car. :) It stopped again, but is supposed to start up during the night and tomorrow. I have gotten some nice pics with  my little cell camera. I think it's a good, good thing that I don't have a better camera, I might never come out from behind the viewer again.


I never knew how similar to writing photography is. It's still story-telling, reporting and commenting on events and a moment in time, just in a different way. I've always been a person who sees the picture in my mind and then verbally shares that image. But with photography, the story is in the picture. The challenge is in finding the right moment that expresses the story that you are seeking to tell. Every picture is a story of something, but not always what you are seeing and feeling at that time. And then there are the stories that you never look for or expect, and all of a sudden, it's there. Right in the frame, the most interesting, complex and complete story that you never thought of...and if you're lucky and aware, you grab it. A frozen moment, captured forever. I am beginning to feel the same compulsion with it that writing is...the story is there, in writing. It tells you what it is and you bring it into this realm to exist. A writer doesn't choose to write. A writer writes because the story, whatever it is, demands a voice.


So, the day...


I was fairly sick to my stomach this morning, nervous about going in to work at H&R. There were things that I hadn't been able to do during training and I was flying solo for the first time today. Opening the office, getting everything up and running for the day. Ugh..
.
It went well. After an hour or so and alot of question asking, alot of manual reading and alot of phone calls, payments and appt making, I started to feel a bit acclimated to the roll of this particular ship. My friend and contact ended up coming in for a bit, and while I still handled my job, it was nice to have her there to refer to...although I only needed to a couple of times. It was great to be able to use alot of my library tech skills. :) They are good skills, deeply ingrained, customer service/organizational/etc, and since I can't find a job in a library these days, it's nice.


Got my schedule finally...it'll be a bit tight with the other job, but will work well. :) I'd so much rather be run a bit ragged working right now than not. One, I need the money, duh! Two, it's a new challenge and a great add on the resume, and Three...it keeps my mind off of the things that I can't do anything about. Very, very grateful for that one in particular.


Enjoying searching for a song for somebody...more skills from the library days. Nothing quite like a good old reference research job. I'm revisiting a lot of music that is good stuff and loving the needle/haystack digestion of information. The only thing is that it's taking me through some songs that are very emotional and can be tough to take. I'm still enjoying it, because they are emotions that I have to face and handle. I hadn't realized that I was running from them. I thought that I was just setting them aside for a bit, but I guess that in reality, i was running. I don't want to do that with anything anymore in my life.


My life.


Things really are going so much better right now.


Younger daughter and I are getting along really well...she is doing awesome in school and on track for the plan we put down.


Older daughter is doing awesome in her life. Great job, great relationship...future is bright now.


We've come so far in the past couple of years, it's a flipping miracle. Well, not really...it's taken a buttload of hard, hard, painful work. But at least we've had some results. :)


For my "issue"...it is just what it is. MY issue.


I will deal with it and clean up my mess and nobody will ever know anything different.


Just...timing in life...sucks.


But it's given me hope and a better picture of what I need. Not just want, but need. And now, at least, I know that the particular combination does exist. Not available, probably never will be, but does exist.
Maybe there will that for me. Somewhere. Someday.


So, I can handle the loneliness and I can play it cool. I will be okay, I always, ALWAYS am. And I will keep myself open, even though things hurt, because I refuse to let anything be lost to me due to my walls.

i feel like SUCH a girl!
oh well.
:P
(trying to insert a video but the computer is dragging tonight...will add in morning)

My thought for you this morning ~

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

― Albert Einstein

untitled poem ~

...untitled...

not everything can be said nor understood 

and what I choose to say will never tell you the story

that lies waiting to be read

by you

...me



come home

Beautiful.Lyrics on screen.

OneRepublic

~ Come Home ~



Torn

Yes, I am feeling blue tonight. OH well. :/ Just how it is sometimes.
Like I've said before, I can fight it and hold it off, but sometimes you just have to go there and let it be what it is.

Natalie Imbruglia

~ Torn ~

(lyrics below)

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm - he came around like
He was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know - don't seem to care
What your heart is for
No I don't know him anymore

There's nothin' where we used to lie
Conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine

I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am chained
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm cold and I am shamed and bound
And broken on the floor
And I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
I should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch

There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what is goin' on
Nothin's right

I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

"White Flag"

not for who u might think...
(duh...i didn't leave, right? lol)

"White Flag"

(lyrics below)

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

hazy

Nothing behind this song...
It's not a hidden mssg.
I simply like it. It's sweet and simple.
I wonder if I'll ever feel like this about anyone again? I find it hard to imagine just tossing my heart into a boat and floating along anymore. I would like to, I just don't know that it's a practical thing to do.
But all of that aside,
It's a wonderful sentiment.
:)

Rosi Golan feat. William Fitzsimmons - Hazy (lyrics)



random songs that I l♥ve

When there is just too much on my mind and too many emotions that I don't want to deal with floating around...yeah, I go to music.
Feeling a need for some smooth, silky, sexy jazzy standards tonight.
A change of scene from my techno dance, rock stuff...but really, if you listen to them all, I think they have the same base to them. Just slightly different branches.
So, since it's my blog and my expression, here's another aspect of me.
(Pulling from youtube. This is by no means a comprehensive list, just tonight's rabbit trails)

OOOO! I suddenly remembered that I get to sleep in today!!!! :) YAY

Michael Buble

~Sway~

sigh...i asked for him for Christmas, but the girls said that they can't deal in human trafficking, so NO.

WHATever.

Etta James

~ At Last~

Harry Connick, Jr

~ Stardust ~

Tony Bennett

~ Stranger in Paradise ~

Norah Jones

~ What Am I To You ~

Dianna Krall

~ Cry Me A River ~

Frank Sinatra

~ The Way You Look Tonight ~

K.D. Lang

~ So In Love ~

Linda Ronstadt

~ Someone To Watch Over Me ~

Mel Torme

 ~ Body and Soul ~

Ella Fitzgerald

~ I've Got A Crush On You ~

Bobby Darin

~ Beyond The Sea ~

And lastly for tonight, because I can go on forever with this stuff...

Doris Day

~ Dream A Little Dream ~

Have a lovely, loving night.

♥♥♥

sometimes i wonder...

Well, always I wonder...but first of all, it's been a day.
Not really a bad day, although it sure could have gone that way. Woo boy, could it have!
I wanted to say things and do things and be places and all sorts of "things" that are completely unacceptable for my life at this point in time.
Always my issue.
Timing just sucks, almost every moment of the day. So I suck it up and work on other junk and just "grrrrrr" inside. C'mon, you totally know what that's like. Quit faking. Sheesh. ;)

So, I put the headphones in as soon as I got up and then kept them there until I had to do my hair and makeup for work. They went back in on my way out the door after and music has been going since.
It's helped.
Can't imagine how it would have been without it.
Dang
I don't like feeling overwhelmed by emotions. I LIKE emotions, don't get me wrong, but not when they dominate.
Work...training at my new temp job, receptionist at a tax prep spot. I was pretty intimidated going in. They use a site specific program for all of their office computer work and it's been a few years since I've worked a multi-line phone system, plus they are all a tight group that's been together for awhile and I'm the new kid coming in. Anyway, the program is easy, the phone is a non-issue and the people are like any other group of people. I'm eager to really get into it.

Tomorrow I am doing my first half marathon. 13 miles, 3.5 hour time limit. I'd say, no problem, but I drove the route tonight and it's going to be tricky. Along busy roads with no shoulder, walking on the grassy edging of the ditch. Really? And then along a major Hwy with the same conditions. That's got me just concerned about the time, but if I don't finish in the time left I'm not worried. It's not like i disintegrate. And snow was forecast for our area, finally, for tomorrow afternoon, but it's falling up north now. :) I'm happy, but i don't want to walk in the snow. Anyway, by tomorrow night I won't be able to say i haven't done that.

Friends melting down.

Can't put words to what I'm feeling. It's in there too tight, won't be labeled yet.

What do you do when you have a situation that you've waited for and then it's in front of you, with a couple major glitches? Yeah, I know. Not the situation then. That's what my rational self just keeps saying. The rest of me is listening, it'll get there.

I just don't want to get there. But I have to.

Darn it.

Well, I'll just focus on work and somehow let it go.

Meanwhile...I wonder...if the fact that I wonder means anything.

And on that note, have a good night. Toss a thought to the positive energies in the wherever and put my name on one please. Thanks!

War with Iran?

I most certainly hope not.
That would be disasterous beyond comprehension.
I have a history with the culture and did a great deal of in-depth research and study on the workings of the society, the modes and methods of being...because I lived with it for 2 decades.
With my western mind I struggled beyond belief to understand and to internalize the thinking so that I could better understand the differences and difficulties that I was encountering.
Without any bragging or arrogance at all, I do know that I have always been able to put myself in an objective place and see situations from many angles. This has given me an edge when it comes to dealing with people and situations that are not commonplace and may be considered unique...or difficult.
In this case, I was able to catch a glimpse of where I was trying to go, but never quite able to truly grasp the vision.
To over simplify a few points:
Western minds are not able to understand the Middle Eastern mode of thinking, and vice versa. What we do and why we do it is not understood , period. I'm not going to go into depth here, because I do know that I have visitors from overseas in here. The same is true in reverse.
And Iran has been planning for a move against them by us for many, many, many years. It's a set-up. And it looks as though we may be moving straight into it.
This is the point in the movie where everyone is screaming NO!
I am putting a link to an opinion article here. Read it and see what you think.
If you want to talk more about this, and I'm completely open to that and all opinions, provided only that you understand that I am going to be honest with what I feel but respectful and will require the same in return, then by all means feel free to contact me. I always welcome discussion. On any of the topics here. Anytime.

http://www.cnn.com/2012/01/12/opinion/sick-iran-us-relations/index.html?hpt=hp_c1 

Feeling a great deal of concern at the moment over this. Not worry or stress, but concern. I can see things playing out and it is wrong to do. Inevitable? Perhaps. I hope not.
(if, for any reason, you can't get the link to work...either by clicking or copy/paste, it's on CNN.com)

well...go figure

Kind of melancholy tonight...
Not really sure why. Normally, I don't give it much thought. I mean, I'm a woman and we know that women (all people, really) have swings in emotions. I cry if I feel it building up in me and don't worry about it. I feel kind of blue and just let it be. I've been around long enough, for sure, to know that some sleep and a kick in the tush in the morning will diminish whatever is left...normally.

I also know that it's a full moon. Y-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-y. I love full moon nights, but they do bring on the sad ache sometimes. That one I just blame on extra magnetic pull on the poles.

See? I really am a rationalizing queen. I can justify pretty much anything, at surface value anyway. :)

But this one isn't a stranger to me. I don't usually write or journal about it because it's elusive. I've written a few solid poems over the years and one song, once upon a time, that came close... but poetry is hard for me to finish these days (i have a notebook FULL of 1/2 done pieces), and songs - those ended all those years ago.

This is a spot, deep inside of me, that screams of loneliness sometimes. The rest of the time it is placated, kept occupied and diverted by music, art, work, activity...

Tonight, when I went out to walk for the 2nd time, it hit. It had been there, lurking, just under the surface during the day, but I felt that it would remain calm. I did my usual, worked on a project or 3 (knitted a hat for myself, am searching for a song for a friend, and took photos of areas around town), ate (that's a change, I rarely eat and that does tend to catch up to me from time to time, I get worn down), took a quick nap (30 minutes) with the plan of getting up and going out to walk another 3.5-4 miles (I did 4 in the morning)...I got up and that vague feeling was still there. Okay, get some water, and head out. Walking is theraputic for me in a few ways...one, it lets me eat without worrying that I've wrecked anything (yes, I know this is borderline disorder...awareness is half the battle, don't worry), keeps me energized and strong, and clears my mind of the clutter of living. During the darkest times, walking has been my saving source, even when I realized that I was really attempting to walk AWAY from my problems. Funny thing, you can't do that, lol. But, it's great for your body/mind anyway.

So, tonight, as I headed out, I felt strong and my pace was solid and easy...but then I felt the ache grow. This is when I know it needs to be acknowledged. When walking brings it to the surface more. It's a bit like an erupting volcanoe...before I know it, I'm crying. Still walking, no slowing the pace, but tears are streaming down my face and I can feel the pool of source right in my center of being. Just right in there. And yes, I do feel silly, trucking along, crying.

In some ways, when I visualize this place, it's an abcess. Sometimes, it's a fountain.

What is it?

I've heard, and read, that artistic people have a spot deep inside of them where pain lives...a deep, untouchable place, and from that spot they find the drive that they need in order to bring order and beauty to the world, in an attempt to ease the ache. It is the great motivator...

I can see that, and I can believe it.

But, for me, the pain is increased because...I want it to be eased.

More. Than. Anything.

I want to find whatever it is that will be able to reach down deep into that place and touch it. Just touch it.

I want to find whatever it is that I will LET reach down deep into that place...

See, that's what I don't understand about this.

This spot, this place in me, feels like it is not only at the center of me, but IS the center of me.

(this is going to get potentially sappy, so either hang on and follow it along or get out of the boat now):

My heart, the part of me that still believes in Santa Claus and Flying Reindeer, in fairy tales and true love and happiness...holding hands and loving sunsets, whiskered faces..., that part of me wonders...

No. I can't go there. Can't put the words to it. I know what they are, I can't put them down. It's not time. When it is, I'll be able to.

So, anyway. It's still there. Still driving me along. And I imagine it will for awhile. Pushing to fine-tune and whittle away the jetsam that doesn't fit. Pushing me to travel and search for whatever it is that will ease the longing that I can't define.

In the meantime, I recognize when it needs to cry and when it needs to be.

And tonight it needed to cry. And tonight, now, as I get ready to go to bed, I will feel more alone than usual, as I always do on these nights.

And...I know that in the morning, when I've had a little rest and I get up and I kick myself in the tush, that it will be quiet once again and I will move along and work on the process, always hoping that the next time the ache is too large that maybe, that time, it'll be just a tiny bit smaller.

Not sure if this ended up where I started it to go. That's how it is with this. It has it's own life and I never really know what it is until it ends up here on the screen.

Sia - I'm in Here

 ~ tonite...it fits ~

(lyrics below)

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

I'm in here, a prisoner of history,
Can anybody help?

[CHORUS]
Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

I'm in here, I'm trying to tell you something,
Can anybody help?

I'm in here, I'm calling out but you can't hear,
Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.
I'm crying out, I'm breaking down,
I am fearing it all,
Stuck inside these walls,
Tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for
You to come rescue me.
I need you to hold
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with inside of me.

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

A week ahead ~

This week is going to be a different one.

That doesn't mean it's going to be bad, because I don't think it will be. But it isn't going to be the same, and it feels as if there's a pivotal point ahead.

For starts, today used to be my wedding anniversary. Huh. Just took my emotional temp to see how it was doing. It's fine. :) Not a twinge, not a glimmer or a hint of anything at all. Not related to that, anyway.
Ahhhhh. Feels GOOD.

Today is the 26th birthday of my former son-in-law. He's a good guy. I like him. Younger daughter and I are still relatively close to him. He and older daughter have made peace now as well, so I'm really happy about that.

Later today I'll be hanging out at the campus, which I haven't done for months. No work at the Monkey for me today, and just 2 short shifts this week. Grand total, 6 hours. OUCH.

Training, hopefully, for HR Block on Friday.

And most hopefully, my first 1/2 marathon on Saturday. I only say hopefully because I need to make sure that I won't be working that day, and if they do have me set I am going to try to get it switched with someone.

I'm pretty excited about that one! :)

It's walking at this point, but I'm hoping that since I'm training carefully that my foot will be able to handle running again. I just can't get laid up for 6 weeks in a boot if it breaks again...esp since I have no medical insurance at all and the state has cut all assistance for non-insured people. Is that the correct term? Non-insured? I don't know.
Anyway...what keeps me the most cautious are the words uttered the last time I broke it...surgery. NO.

Who would have thought, those couple years ago when I started walking to try to get away from my own thoughts and to feel like I was accomplishing something, ANYTHING, that it would become such a thing in my life?

I don't do the crazy arm pumping aerobic exercise walking. I have a specific gate that I have built for myself that is a little unorthodox for walkers. It's to help compensate for my foot and to maximize my shortness. :) I manage a 6 1/2 - 7 minute walking mile with it, and I'm told that's pretty darn good. I haven't checked into any official anything, I've avoided it. I do what I do, the way that I do it, for me. And only for me. I won't do it for any other reason. Not this.

But, as far as aerobic work goes, it takes a heck of alot to tire me down anymore. :) I like that also.

So, new job this week. New adventure set. New challenges. Old hurts gone.

AND...I remembered to take the garbage out.
Such a sense of accomplishment, every week. :)

Song has nothing whatsoever to do with anything, I just like it.

Seven Nation Army, The Glitch Mob Dubstep Remix

as always, publish now, edit later

Trouble is a Friend...

Trouble he will find you no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you're fast, no matter if you're slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm or the cry in the mourn, oh oh
You're fine for a while but you start to lose control

He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!

Trouble is a friend but trouble is a foe, oh oh
And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh
He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh
So don't forget as you ease on down the road

He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh

So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!

Oh how I hate the way he makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave, I try
Oh oh, I try!

He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh

So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win, but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine, oh oh!
Ooo, oh ooo, ooo ahh

already gone...and we already were

This song came out during that time when I knew that he'd already made his choices and was planning his new life...
I have to say again, it wasn't the leaving that really that bothered me as much as the fact that he wouldn't admit anything to me yet. I think he had realized that I could make choices and decisions for myself and child, now that he had seperated our futures, and that it was entirely possible that he wasn't going to like what I might choose. At that point,  I am sure he knew that it WAS possible that he would have little impact on ANY situation, short of a potential court battle, unless I was willing to work with him. It actually had occurred to me that I was no longer obligated to pay attention to a word that he chose to say. And for the record, we never went that sad route. Never had lawyers, arbitrators, nothing of the sort. It wasn't easy, but we did it all ourselves. Of course, he also wouldn't talk to me about anything, except over text. But that's a different post and not where I am taking this.

I've mentioned before that music became horrifically painful during that time, which was it's own hell. Music is HUGE in my life and to lose it as a form of expression and support at a time when I needed it the most was devastating. But I couldn't listen to anything that was on the radio. Every song at that time was, uncannily so, directly applicable to the situation that I was in.

This was one of the songs...
I heard it again last week and instead of automatically flinching away as I have done, I stopped and listened, and nothing hurt. :)

I'm glad.

 Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone

Been looking for this song for awhile...

I am intrigued with this song. It's unorthodox in how it's composed and performed, yet it flows. The 2 parts play nicely with each other and show clearly the seperate individuals, their different situations and approaches to their relationship.

Drake and Rihanna "Take Care"

another batch of thoughts...not really sure where they are going to go, so buckle up if you're getting in

So, the new year has started and is ripping along quite nicely. Actually, I think I've posted in here before, that it IS symbolic to me, but I don't change my behavior or routine at all just because it's a new date on a page.
The change is symbolic because I'm always about renewal and reflection. It used to mean more, this one individual day, but that was before life became so different for me. These days, though, I am in constant need of re-group and re-direct. With a job not being steady or consistently existent even, with a teenage daughter at home who definitely is ruled by her hormones(so much more than her sister was), friends that I rely on dealing with major issues of their own, the healing and recovery process itself, I find it easier to do this almost daily. Doesn't take long and then it doesn't build up and hit me in the face when i don't have time to deal with it.
So...
Today I was "friended" by 2 people and "defriended" by 3 on Facebook, lol. I gained 2 subscribers, which is weird to me. Who on earth wants to subscribe to me? Anyway...
Have had conversations with former spouse. More weird.
Had an email this morning from former father-in-law. He is a great man, I loved him very much. He was definitely a "dad" to me and I always felt that we were close. He is smart and not allowed to be, active and mocked for it, ambitious and damped down, determined and held in check...it broke my heart and I wanted him to be able to fly the way his heart has always wanted to. Scared me also...seeing him in his 80's, still struggling with many of the same issues that I felt suffocated with. I sure didn't want to be at that age and still aching to fit into my own skin and really give it a go.

Sometimes, I feel guilty about him. He begged me to stop the divorce, to make it not happen. I couldn't seem to get him to understand that it wasn't my doing. I didn't want the divorce, I didn't want for any of it to be happening. I didn't want to lose him. He grabbed my hands and sobbed into my shoulder, telling me that it was wrong, so wrong. I would remind him that his son did not want me any longer, that I had fulfilled my purpose and he was done. He would nod, wipe his tears, pat my back and tell me that he loved me. It took everything in me to hold myself together for him, to be strong and to stand so that I could hold him up. Dear, darling man.

And so, he sent a New Year's note to me. Telling me, like every year, how much he loves me, that I am always in his heart, that I am his dear daughter. Part of me yearns to get that email, to know that he still feels that way about me.

And part of me dies when it comes. Because, it isn't true anymore. We aren't family anymore. We aren't "dad" and "daughter". We aren't there for each other, we can't be. That was taken from us and that's how it is, whatever. But, I look back, just for him, and I am sad. I hate to know that he is still there, still trapped, and there is nothing that I can do to change it.

Just one of the sad things still.

But don't think for a second that there is any sadness for myself anymore. There used to be still, even just a couple of months ago, for some things such as "never going to be a 50th anniversary", "likely never going to be a 25th(i was cheated out of that one by 2 months and i think that's all it is)"..."never going to sit on a porch and play with grandkids that are progeny of both of us", "no shared memories from being young and dumb". It's not an issue anymore. For whatever reason.

I feel like I finally turned a corner and left it behind.

Heavens knows that I wanted to. Worked hard enough for it. Ran toward it every chance I got, even though it had to come in it's own time and I hit the wall of "slow down, girl...you have work to do" time and time again.

When it was all going down, when I knew but he wouldn't admit it yet, I went to a spiritual friend for some guidance and perspective. He said a prayer over me and gave me solid advice. He told me to journal, even if I had no intention of ever revisiting the words (which I rarely do, it's so weird). He told me to decide what I was going to do, and to do it. He said, "Do it. And never look back at the choice you leave behind". He repeated that 3 times, and it definitely stuck with me. He was right. It was very important for me to decide and to not look back. Such as at my former father-in-law. As hard as it is to NOT, I can't. It isn't my place anymore. The decision was made for me. The only choice that I had to make was where to live. I knew that. I had options open...so, I weighed it out, and even though there were some large doubts still, I went where I did. And I did not look back.

I can't even tell you how hard that is. To not look back? After so many years and experiences? But more so, I'm speaking geographically. I lived in that area that we left for more than 1/2 of my life and it felt like home. Growing up we never lived anywhere for very long, and it took me quite awhile to adjust to not wandering around anymore.

I will admit to pretending that the new place was in the old town, just to feel more comfortable in my surroundings for awhile. Just to psyche myself out. It helped me get through the depression and grief at losing my home base. Isn't that something? I was hurting over the loss of my geographic locale...I knew it then also and was upset by the knowledge that I was not missing the man I had been married to.

I also pretended that I was still in the old Camano house to try to sleep. I still do that sometimes. I think it's alright. Simply because, I don't sleep.

I think that the hardest part has been to admit that it really has been for the best. REALLY. Oh my goodness. I wasn't even a diminished person, I was barely a ghost of a person.

I like me.

I never felt that I could say that before.

Damn. I do. I like who I am. I'm not feeling completed or finished by any means, but dang...

Today. Take today. I was house-sitting at a place that I've been to so many times. I love these people so much. Their lifestyle is so close to what I want for mine, and I just always knew that I'd never get there. I held the feelings that it gave me in my heart and mind and it would hurt. It was what I felt was right and I felt that it could never be. See, that's the despair that I lived with all those years. He did also.

Anyway... today as I was getting packed up to come home, I went into the hall bath to put my make-up on. The hall bath, I know. It has a mirror that I can get right up to, since I had left my counter mirror at home. :) Point is, for all of these years I have avoided the eyes in the mirror. I know that I can get pretty intense when I look at people, I really am searching them. I've been told that it feels like I'm inside their heads, walking around looking at what is in there. Well, today, I caught my own glance in the mirror. I almost flinched and looked away, but there was something different. A comfort. A peace. So, I looked at this person. Just to see. Want to guess what happened?

For the first time, the FIRST TIME in my life, I relaxed. I looked at this woman and I thought, "yeah. we're friends" I looked into her eyes and I saw an almost happy person. I saw someone who was finally living a life that was much truer to herself than she had ever been able to do. I saw a woman who felt peace with herself...annoyed at laugh lines that won't disappear, at the stretch marks from having babies that won't go away...a bit concerned over money and wanting to share her life with someone, but otherwise, someone who was comfortable in her own skin. FOR THE FIRST FREAKING TIME EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE, I DID NOT FLINCH FROM MY OWN GAZE.

Yeah, so pretty damn big stuff for me.
Thank you, former spouse. Thank you for finally leaving me.
Oh, thank God that you did.

again, just going to post. Will revisit to edit later...

Song is "One Of Us" by ABBA