i wonder if it could be...
i wonder if maybe, just maybe...
i wonder if it might happen...
i wonder if i have enough courage to let it be...
i wonder if i have enough strength to let it go...
i wonder if i have enough trust in myself to show how it really is...
i wonder if i can survive another ending...
i wonder if i can trust it to not end...
i wonder if my feelings will be understood...
i wonder if i can believe in it all...
i wonder...what if...
it's real?
i'll add a song later when youtube isn't being a poop
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
i just don't GET life
Sorry, but it just sums up what i'm feeling.
Life...is...WEIRD
And I just don't have a single clue what's going on with it.
I get up some mornings and send a thought into the universe that I'll be open to whatever good comes to me, and that I will not flinch from anything that must be faced.
There are times when I don't know which of those two things is the hardest to handle. Or to prepare for.
I think that, for me, it's easier to face an enemy, or a negative of some kind, and to handle it than it is to be open to good things. It may sound absurd, but I find it much harder to be willing to open the gates and allow "anything" to come in, willing to absorb and accept.
I find it much easier to put everything into a holding tank and to then analyze at my leisure before allowing an entrance. Problem is that life is so busy that it often just gets stuck in that tank and never looked at again. Or, I just analyze the shit out of it and minimalize all the good down to nothing.
So, I psyche myself up and open my arms, literally, and say that I will accept and honestly nurture every good thing that comes into my life that day.
All the while, trying to not flinch, lol.
And you know what? The times when I release the negative and put the honest, open, sincere thought out, something always happens. Within the hour, generally, and then for a few days after.
Jobs, people, opportunities...
So many wonderful things and people have come into my life. I am sooooo grateful. I have some people that I consider amazing friends that I wouldn't have ever come across before. People that I truly hope stay friends for a very, very long time.
And then things happen that I can't even begin to understand, or talk about.
Can't quite figure that one out yet.
But I am dead tired and have to be up early to open the tax office and then do a shift at the bakery after...
and my eyes are crossing...
goodnight ~
Life...is...WEIRD
And I just don't have a single clue what's going on with it.
I get up some mornings and send a thought into the universe that I'll be open to whatever good comes to me, and that I will not flinch from anything that must be faced.
There are times when I don't know which of those two things is the hardest to handle. Or to prepare for.
I think that, for me, it's easier to face an enemy, or a negative of some kind, and to handle it than it is to be open to good things. It may sound absurd, but I find it much harder to be willing to open the gates and allow "anything" to come in, willing to absorb and accept.
I find it much easier to put everything into a holding tank and to then analyze at my leisure before allowing an entrance. Problem is that life is so busy that it often just gets stuck in that tank and never looked at again. Or, I just analyze the shit out of it and minimalize all the good down to nothing.
So, I psyche myself up and open my arms, literally, and say that I will accept and honestly nurture every good thing that comes into my life that day.
All the while, trying to not flinch, lol.
And you know what? The times when I release the negative and put the honest, open, sincere thought out, something always happens. Within the hour, generally, and then for a few days after.
Jobs, people, opportunities...
So many wonderful things and people have come into my life. I am sooooo grateful. I have some people that I consider amazing friends that I wouldn't have ever come across before. People that I truly hope stay friends for a very, very long time.
And then things happen that I can't even begin to understand, or talk about.
Can't quite figure that one out yet.
But I am dead tired and have to be up early to open the tax office and then do a shift at the bakery after...
and my eyes are crossing...
goodnight ~
Thursday, February 2, 2012
my coming of age videos...
SO many songs defined those magic years of the end of high school and the beginning of adulthood. I still love them to this day. Just browsing youtube tonight and posting them...
Modern English
"Don't Dream It's Over"
Eurythmics
"Sweet Dreams"
Talk Talk
"Talk Talk"
Thompson Twins
"Lies Lies Lies"
Another Thompson Twins
"Doctor Doctor"
Murray Head
"One Night In Bangkok"
Oingo Boingo
"Weird Science"
The Fixx
"Saved By Zero"
Animotion
"Obsession"
Real Life
"Send Me An Angel"
Peter Schilling
"Major Tom"
Nena
"99 Red Balloons"
Frida
"I Know There's Something Going On"
Bronski Beat
"Small Town Boy"
Johnny Hates Jazz
"Shattered Dreams"
The Gap Band
"You Dropped A Bomb On Me"
Cameo
"She's Strange"
Laid Back
"White Horse"
Falco
"Rock Me Amadeus"
So many more, but these are good for now.
:)
Hope that you enjoyed them
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
really need to be in bed trying to sleep, but ~
I can't.
Not yet.
I'm upset.
(hey, look how those 3 sentences above gradually descended, lol!)
So, I didn't sleep really well last night...ah, heck. I don't sleep well. Truth is, I don't like to sleep alone. Yes, I have to pups and kitties, but it's different. And it's not sexual. It's just a comfort thing, like a teddy bear used to be. AND being the person in charge of the world, our home being the world in this case, I don't sleep well because I am "on guard" all the time. Beside the point.
I didn't sleep well. I closed at the office last night and was on opening shift this morning, with both jobs back/back today (wednesday)...weighing on my mind. So, every hour felt like a thousand and I was worried I'd over-sleep, etc.
Had an insane crazy day at HR today. It's peak tax season, of course IRS had a delay on their end, people are calling and freaking out, people are making appts, people are walking in, preparer's are working like steady soldiers, keeping all the files straight, handle all 3 phone lines, people in front, messages, issues, payments, etc and the inter-office personality meshings...anyway, 6.5 hours went by super fast.
Had to run errands afterward. Got home, almost feeling like I'd accomlished something. Came upstairs to handle Amazon orders and Avon orders, pay bills so we can have electricity and such, do school emails, run laundry loads to wash my work clothes and get them ready for tomorrow...and then...
BOOM
Email. Slam, BANG. What I'm doing wrong. How I'm not meeting expectations and needs. How I'm failing.
I don't even have time for phone calls from friends. I don't go out with anyone after hours. When I'm online I'm working and just have a fb window open to try to communicate with people to coordinate things for Emma and to try and feel connected to anything.
From someone that I care very much for.
I get it, this person doesn't understand. They can imagine and try to get there, but even when you are the only functioning part of a team, you are still a part of a team, instead of being THE team. They don't get it. I didn't get it until I got here. I figure it's a good day if I'm in bed before 3, cleaning house, helping Em with homework, cooking, doing the errands, taking care of pets, yard, bills, online work, and then this when I can, because it's my therapy. This is the only place where it all gets dumped, and even then it doesn't all get put here. Those are in notebooks that will never see the light of day.
Yeah, I wish things were different.
I don't like the situation either.
I wish I didn't have to work 2 outside jobs, push the pet care biz and do the 2 online jobs all at the same time.
I wish I had help being a parent, even just the support of talking to someone about my frustrations.
I wish that I had this person and the others like them closer, in all ways. But I don't.
I have dark circles the size of Jupiter, but I can't sleep.
I get dizzy and tired, but I can't eat, I'm worried and my stomach hurts.
I try to laugh and find humour and joy in things around me because it keeps me from feeling so alone and sad about that.
But I knew that it was coming. I just kept wishing that it wouldn't.
Because I can't do anything else about it.
I send texts with pictures, I hate my email because it slugs up and doesn't send, takes multiple tries.
They hate facebook, which I can do from my phone, which most days is the only way that i can even get there.
They don't know what it's like to not have family around.
I do.
It's always been that way for me.
They don't know that not one single member from that direction even posted a stupid 2 word mention on my facebook wall for my birthday.
And only one ever pops in to say hello, the busiest of all.
I can't reply to the email right now, because I am stunned and numb from hurt. There is no way that I'm going to just let it rip back. I can't do that. I hope that they don't understand how it felt to read those words, having had the day that I've had and having been trying to make enough money to keep my kid going. I hope that they didn't remember that I have a former spouse to deal with and how difficult that is, to try to keep the hurt out and let my girls have a relationship with their dad that isn't tainted with my emotions. I hope that the thought that I miss them MORE than they miss me didn't cross their mind, because if it did, if they knew how sad and lonely I am and how desperately i wish that things were better and I could be what they need and still sent that message...i just don't know how I could handle that.
And the thing is...I don't know how they could forget.
Every day when I get up I don't know what's going to happen that day. I pray that I don't get laid off from the one job, or fired from the other because it's so high pressure and I messed up. I pray that I can get my daughter's rides all coordinated and the gas money to cover those expenses delivered. I hope that I can handle all the ends from her school and her dance, which she needs SO MUCH and which I am so glad that she found.
But I'm glad for this crazy, unexpected, unpredictable life. I just wish I could handle it all with grace. And i wish that I didn't still get hurt so easily.
So, tonight I can't sleep again. I'm sad. And being honest, I just want someone that I can put my head on their shoulder and cry for a bit. Just to not feel alone with this sad. This isn't what I share with my girl. She already worries, she doesn't need to be worried about me being sad.
And tomorrow is going to be such a long, long day.
Well, need to go switch laundry over again.
Life. Such a funny, funny thing.
You can plan it all that you want, but what it does is all up to every whim in the universe.
Sorry for the whine and the pity party. I guess we'll chalk it up to, part of the package.
But...think, a few times, before you choose to "let someone know how you feel". Do you really need to? Is it going to do them any good? Do they really need to be humbled? They may already be pretty darn low. Please just consider those few things first. Temper your comments. Remember what your goal is. That's why I can't respond. Not yet, anyway.
Hope that this comes out okay, not editing yet. Just not a night for that.
Song...I'd play Sia, I'm In Here, but I already did.
I think I'll play The Script, For The First Time.
Anything from them works for emotions...
Not yet.
I'm upset.
(hey, look how those 3 sentences above gradually descended, lol!)
So, I didn't sleep really well last night...ah, heck. I don't sleep well. Truth is, I don't like to sleep alone. Yes, I have to pups and kitties, but it's different. And it's not sexual. It's just a comfort thing, like a teddy bear used to be. AND being the person in charge of the world, our home being the world in this case, I don't sleep well because I am "on guard" all the time. Beside the point.
I didn't sleep well. I closed at the office last night and was on opening shift this morning, with both jobs back/back today (wednesday)...weighing on my mind. So, every hour felt like a thousand and I was worried I'd over-sleep, etc.
Had an insane crazy day at HR today. It's peak tax season, of course IRS had a delay on their end, people are calling and freaking out, people are making appts, people are walking in, preparer's are working like steady soldiers, keeping all the files straight, handle all 3 phone lines, people in front, messages, issues, payments, etc and the inter-office personality meshings...anyway, 6.5 hours went by super fast.
Had to run errands afterward. Got home, almost feeling like I'd accomlished something. Came upstairs to handle Amazon orders and Avon orders, pay bills so we can have electricity and such, do school emails, run laundry loads to wash my work clothes and get them ready for tomorrow...and then...
BOOM
Email. Slam, BANG. What I'm doing wrong. How I'm not meeting expectations and needs. How I'm failing.
I don't even have time for phone calls from friends. I don't go out with anyone after hours. When I'm online I'm working and just have a fb window open to try to communicate with people to coordinate things for Emma and to try and feel connected to anything.
From someone that I care very much for.
I get it, this person doesn't understand. They can imagine and try to get there, but even when you are the only functioning part of a team, you are still a part of a team, instead of being THE team. They don't get it. I didn't get it until I got here. I figure it's a good day if I'm in bed before 3, cleaning house, helping Em with homework, cooking, doing the errands, taking care of pets, yard, bills, online work, and then this when I can, because it's my therapy. This is the only place where it all gets dumped, and even then it doesn't all get put here. Those are in notebooks that will never see the light of day.
Yeah, I wish things were different.
I don't like the situation either.
I wish I didn't have to work 2 outside jobs, push the pet care biz and do the 2 online jobs all at the same time.
I wish I had help being a parent, even just the support of talking to someone about my frustrations.
I wish that I had this person and the others like them closer, in all ways. But I don't.
I have dark circles the size of Jupiter, but I can't sleep.
I get dizzy and tired, but I can't eat, I'm worried and my stomach hurts.
I try to laugh and find humour and joy in things around me because it keeps me from feeling so alone and sad about that.
But I knew that it was coming. I just kept wishing that it wouldn't.
Because I can't do anything else about it.
I send texts with pictures, I hate my email because it slugs up and doesn't send, takes multiple tries.
They hate facebook, which I can do from my phone, which most days is the only way that i can even get there.
They don't know what it's like to not have family around.
I do.
It's always been that way for me.
They don't know that not one single member from that direction even posted a stupid 2 word mention on my facebook wall for my birthday.
And only one ever pops in to say hello, the busiest of all.
I can't reply to the email right now, because I am stunned and numb from hurt. There is no way that I'm going to just let it rip back. I can't do that. I hope that they don't understand how it felt to read those words, having had the day that I've had and having been trying to make enough money to keep my kid going. I hope that they didn't remember that I have a former spouse to deal with and how difficult that is, to try to keep the hurt out and let my girls have a relationship with their dad that isn't tainted with my emotions. I hope that the thought that I miss them MORE than they miss me didn't cross their mind, because if it did, if they knew how sad and lonely I am and how desperately i wish that things were better and I could be what they need and still sent that message...i just don't know how I could handle that.
And the thing is...I don't know how they could forget.
Every day when I get up I don't know what's going to happen that day. I pray that I don't get laid off from the one job, or fired from the other because it's so high pressure and I messed up. I pray that I can get my daughter's rides all coordinated and the gas money to cover those expenses delivered. I hope that I can handle all the ends from her school and her dance, which she needs SO MUCH and which I am so glad that she found.
But I'm glad for this crazy, unexpected, unpredictable life. I just wish I could handle it all with grace. And i wish that I didn't still get hurt so easily.
So, tonight I can't sleep again. I'm sad. And being honest, I just want someone that I can put my head on their shoulder and cry for a bit. Just to not feel alone with this sad. This isn't what I share with my girl. She already worries, she doesn't need to be worried about me being sad.
And tomorrow is going to be such a long, long day.
Well, need to go switch laundry over again.
Life. Such a funny, funny thing.
You can plan it all that you want, but what it does is all up to every whim in the universe.
Sorry for the whine and the pity party. I guess we'll chalk it up to, part of the package.
But...think, a few times, before you choose to "let someone know how you feel". Do you really need to? Is it going to do them any good? Do they really need to be humbled? They may already be pretty darn low. Please just consider those few things first. Temper your comments. Remember what your goal is. That's why I can't respond. Not yet, anyway.
Hope that this comes out okay, not editing yet. Just not a night for that.
Song...I'd play Sia, I'm In Here, but I already did.
I think I'll play The Script, For The First Time.
Anything from them works for emotions...
For The First Time
The Script
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